15/05/2018
Today was more difficult because there were visitors. I slept in W last night but woke earlier than usual today. Olinda came to the room and told me there was a car across the road with two men in it. I got up then. I laid out Tuesday’s clothes and went to the bathroom to wash. I finished the bottle of shampoo in the shower so it will go to N now. I can see it there with the others. When I went out of the bathroom and through to 5 Olinda was waiting for me. She told me the two men were working with the Challaid police. They wanted to talk to me and so I met with them in the white room. That made the rest of the day much more complicated for me.
I did my best to work out how much time I spent in the white room. I tried to make sure I got times right for the other rooms throughout the day. Even now I’m not honestly sure I did. I spent less time in the white room later to try and make up for it.
After the men’s unwelcome visit I went round W and touched each item that requires it. My mind was pushed sideways by these men being in my house. Olinda was right about having the white room set aside for this sort of thing though. The thought of strangers among my items makes me sweat and shiver. Just touching the items that needed touching made me realize how important it is men like them never get in. They would disturb every room and every item.
I tapped all the outdated remote controls and the old video players. I touched the old game controllers and ran my finger along the top of every book. The room settled down quickly when I did. All the disruption of me being late, of me being in the white room, was forgotten. It wasn’t the same, not for the whole day, but it wasn’t as bad as perhaps it could have been.
The whole day was now inevitably off balance. I knew N had been waiting for me. Every room had an atmosphere when I arrived. N never takes long to settle, light billows through it in seconds. It’s the room other people would understand least. That’s why I care for it so much. That’s why it forgives. I opened each sealed box for a few seconds to let all the wrappers and cartons know I was there.
I went up the stairs and touched every item of clothing on the rails but one. All but the bra that scares the room. N is the boldest room because everything can still serve its purpose, just not for me. I’ve outgrown the clothes. I can’t wear them. That’s what they exist for and I can’t use them at all. I spent time there to let them know they won’t be forgotten.
Being in 5 felt heavier than usual today. Whenever the day is damaged being among mother’s things is more difficult. The pain of struggling reminds me of how strong she always was. How hard she tried. When a person dies they leave a gap, and it doesn’t shrink. It’s forever there, standing broad in the very center of your existence. You’re always stepping carefully around it, trying hard not to fall in. Every sidestep you make provides another stinging reminder of what you’ve lost. There are days 5 can be a happy place but not today. Today it was hard and I felt painfully beaten by it by the time I left.
Tomorrow will be better. I will sleep the first half of the night in W and the second in N. I hope there will be no interruption tomorrow and time will be in the right place. When everything is done properly the world is a place of calm. I can live like that. Hopefully no more visitors. To think of people from outside coming and upsetting this place is too much for me. I’ll struggle to sleep tonight if I think about it any more.