IT WAS THE SEVENTEENTH OF TAMMUZ, THE FAST OF THE FOURTH month. Shoshanna had reminded him already that it was a day in which he should examine himself and undertake repentance from wrongdoing because it was still the month of calamities for the Jews, maybe for his family. “And the Lord saw their actions, Yussel.”
“That’s enough, Shoshanna. Don’t quote. Listen, what have you been doing with yourself? Are you keeping busy? Did you find someone to take your wigs to? Have you been shopping? If you’re dieting, I decided I think you should be a little fat. I wouldn’t mind a little fat.”
“Also this is the day Moses broke the tablets, the day his people worshiped the golden calf, the day the walls of the temple were breached, and the day I can’t travel for the next three weeks, until Tishabav. What are you doing to me, Yussel?”
“I’m doing what you want me to do. I’m being a rabbi.”
“A man isn’t whole without his wife.”
“Tell me about it.”
“This is the day Noah sent out the dove, Yussel.” She spoke very slowly. “And it could find no resting place in the flood. Do you hear me?”
“I hope you’re teaching all this to the children.”
“Who else is here to teach them? Their father?”
“Lay off, Shoshanna.”
“My place is there with you, Yussel. Shame on you. Oh, Yussel. I forgot. I found the deed. In the Chinese checkers. You bought only the surface of the land. No mineral rights, no water rights. Is that what you needed to know? Yussel? Yussel? I hear the kibbutzniks came. You don’t have to daven by Chaim anymore. Yussel? …”
Yussel parked Bingo’s cab by the SL in Chaim’s driveway, kicked the side of the SL, walked up to Chaim’s front door.
Chaim yelled to Mendl. “Please inform Reb Fetner Mincha services don’t begin for another hour. He can’t cross my threshold until seven-ten. He should remove himself from my property.”
“I’m not exactly asking, Mendl, can I enter the Gates of Heaven,” Yussel yelled, loud enough so Chaim could hear.
Mendl shook his head no, slowly, from side to side, lowered his eyelids until they were slits, blinked once, snapped a shade shut over the shower-glass window. Yussel leaned on the bell and listened to the first six notes of “Ain Kaloheynu” maybe a hundred times until someone pulled the plug on the chimes.
When Yussel walked around to the back of the house to find an open window, the dogs hit the fence with G-force. Yussel pulled himself up to the windowsill.
The kitchen ceiling was so low it almost came down to the top of the refrigerator, which was big enough to freeze four grown men. The kitchen looked like pigs had left in a hurry. On the kitchen table was an open can of Heinz Vegetarian Beans with a fork stuck in it, a can of sauerkraut with a spoon stuck in it, a bag of hot dog rolls, a pile of half-filled paper plates, open mustard, schmutz. Yussel tiptoed, held his breath, didn’t see the crayons on the floor, went sliding, stumbling, arms out, past the turquoise bar, past the triple-strand ficus trees, and into the living room where his super-naturally broken shoulder hit the floor eye-level with the toes of Chaim’s Tony Lama lizard cowboy boots.
The Miracles of Creation growled. Then Chaim made a joke. “Look at this. We don’t let Fetners in through the door, they come in through the windows. This must mean we’re doing something right when the Fetners can’t stay away.”
Mendl helped him up. The others laughed at Chaim’s joke. Even bent over double in pain, Yussel towered above them. “So, sit, Reb Yussel,” Mendl from Rikers Island invited. “You want a glass of tea? A cookie?”
Chaim’s house smelled of sauerkraut and gas. The gas hissed from a small fire burning fake logs over a little spigot. “You have business, Yussel? Maybe you came to sell me some homeowner’s? You need a loan?”
“Chaim, I have business to satisfy.”
The Miracles of Creation swelled up, moved away from Yussel, toward Chaim. Yussel took a deep breath. “I ask you point-blank, Chaim, do you own my water rights?”
Chaim kissed the tips of his fingers, then touched them to the prayer book on his lap, looked up at the ceiling for the answer. The Miracles of Creation looked sideways at each other with sly smiles.
“No, Yussel, I don’t own your mineral rights.”
“I said water rights. Do you own my water rights?”
“No. No. What makes … of course I don’t own your water rights. Why should I own your water rights?”
“Emes Adonoy, no?”
“Emes Adonoy, no.”
Yussel thundered. “On your children’s lives?”
“On my children’s lives, Yussel.”
This Yussel couldn’t argue with.
Fifey the Kluger walked up too close to Yussel, stuck his face in his, covered him with a fine spray of sauerkraut. “So your business is satisfied? We’ll see you back here for Mincha?”
“You stand there with your hand on the sefer, Chaim, and you say no?”
“Yes.”
“So who does?”
Zipper joined Fifey, then Velvl the Shecter. Together the three of them, like a greasy wall, slid into Yussel’s space. Yussel backed up. They moved him in this way into the kitchen, toward the window.
“I’ll call you, Yussel. I’ll call you,” Chaim called. “I need homeowner’s. Don’t forget.”
Yussel, forgetting, climbed out the kitchen window. Mendl, from inside, whispered, “You okay, Reb Yussel? You need anything?” Yussel shook his head no, told him to wait a minute, ran to the car, returned with the pineapple, passed it through the open window to Mendl. Mendl whistled in approval, pulled down the window, pulled down its shade, then all the other shades as Yussel walked around the house.
So who owns the water? Yussel moved his yarmulke back and forth, cracked himself on the head. He could see nothing on the screen.
Yussel couldn’t start Bingo’s cab. He looked under the hood, wiped off the battery, checked the oil, kicked the tires, flooded the engine. Chaim stuck his head out the door, offered to call the Texaco. Yussel ignored him. Yussel tried the engine. Nothing. From noplace his father said, “The paradox is, He gives you free choice but He’s the only One Who knows the consequences. I told you.”
Yussel ignored his father, told HaShem what he thought of Him. “You think You’re the only One who knows consequences? I also know some consequences! The consequences are, someday I’m going to kill Your friend Chaim unless You give me a little something too! You hear me?”
At that instant, like a clap of thunder, Bingo’s cab turned over by itself, scared Yussel out of his mind.