I RUN WITHOUT THINKING where I’m going. Halfway to nowhere I stop and throw up. Up and up and up, as if my heart is coming up out of my chest. Up and up until I am doubled over and hurling in pain but not crying. Not crying.

Not crying because that would mean . . .

That would mean . . .

I wipe my mouth with my sleeve and find my way to the pine cave. But instead of going under, I start to pull on the branches. I break one, then two. I kick the trunk and feel the pain sear through my leg and up to my stomach. But then a numbness takes over. And there’s a ringing in my ears. No no no no no.

I push the palms of my hands against my ears to shut it out. The lights from the ambulance in the driveway flash on and on. I close my eyes and finally sink down onto the cold ground. Pine needles stick to the palms of my hands. I squeeze my knees to my chest and make myself a stone, but I can’t escape myself. Can’t escape the truth creeping into my chest where my heart used to be. I keep shaking my head against it, but the truth is filling me up so fast I can’t breathe.

There’s a beeping sound as the ambulance backs up. I can see Holden and Sara standing in the driveway, watching them take Charlie away.

I listen to the motor get farther away until it’s gone, and the door to the house slams shut, and the neighborhood goes from quiet to busy as the commuters leave home for another workday. I hear the school bus stop in the distance and pull away again.

And then, after a long, long time, I hear someone calling my name.