CHAPTER 5 
Betrayal
I tried to focus on my morning chores, but pain dragged behind me like a weight chained to my ankle. I could not stop picturing Missus all over Essex. Kissing him, touching him, finding pleasure with him. The vision of them together made me sick to my stomach. Even though I knew Essex had no choice, my heart hurt no less. Last night was supposed to be special, and Missus Delphina took that opportunity away from me.
When she called me to dress her that morning, I wanted to wrap my hands around her neck until her eyes popped out of the sockets. She had everything. Why did she have to take what was mine too? As I yanked her corset over her belly, all I kept thinking was that her baby could be Essex’s. Essex could be killed over the child she carried, and I knew it fell on me to help him escape.
All my agony made me terrible at my responsibilities. Lovie caught me staring off several times and cautioned me to get my head right, but not even her chastising fixed my concentration on my work. In the two days that followed Essex’s confession, I broke two bowls, skinned my knee, spilled Missus’s coffee in her lap, and uprooted radishes that were not ripe. Aunt Hope sent me to the henhouse for a basket of fresh eggs and I wasted three on the floor. Down on my knees, mopping up the spill, was where Essex finally found me.
“We needin’ to talk.”
I wiped the sticky yolk on the front of my apron. It was the first time I had seen him since we talked, and as much as I wanted to stand in anger, I still loved him. Still wanted him.
“Aunt Hope is waiting on these eggs.”
“Meet me in the stables in ten minutes,” he whispered.
I left the eggs with Aunt Hope and mentioned that I would be in the loom house letting out Missus’s petticoat. She nodded, humming one of her Jesus songs while mixing a wet batter for the fried flounder we would eat later. I ducked around to the back of the stables, and before I could cough, Essex opened the side door and pulled me in. He led me to the stall, tucking us behind a horse named Thunder.
“Best place for us to talk during the day.”
I held my breath so as not to breathe in the stink of horse manure. Essex put his mouth to my ear and spoke so soft that I struggled to hear him.
“Been thinking about my escape route.”
I reached into my hidden skirt pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper.
“What’s that?”
“It is a map I stole from one of Miss Sally’s books. Part of my geography lessons with her.” I opened it up and pushed it against the wall so that we could both see.
“I traced the route north for you last night. Traveling by dark and hiding during the day would be your best defense against the slave catchers.”
His hand grazed mine, sending a familiar spark up my spine, as he took the map from me. I watched as he dug a hole in a bale of hay and stuffed the map deep inside.
“You brilliant, Pheby.”
I searched the dark space for his eyes. “You are not afraid?”
“Been thinkin’ about running when you set free for a long time. Guess I’s just getting a head start.”
I shuddered in my skin, scared for him. It seemed such a long way to freedom. “It is dangerous, Essex.”
“Come with me.” He grabbed my hands. “Two heads better than one. We can stand back-to-back and fight off the enemy together. At night, keep each other warm.”
“But Mama—”
“We can make it.”
I dropped his hands. “Mama has worked hard on securing my freedom. Seems like before I was even born. I owe it to her to see her plan through.”
“You trust Massa that much?”
“I do.”
Essex bit down on his bottom lip.
“I think we had better bring Aunt Hope in on the plan. Jasper was her son, and the only slave who made it off this plantation.”
He nodded. “But I want you to come, Pheby. Cain’t picture my life without you.”
I put my finger to his lips. “Everything happening so fast now.”
“You forgive me?” He pulled me to him so tight, it was hard to see where one of us began and the other ended.
I knew our time together was limited. No sense wasting it carrying a grudge. “Past is in the past. Got to move forward.”
“Ain’t leaving here without you.”
I touched his face with the back of my hand, kissed his cheek, and then turned for the big house.
The next morning, I went down to the kitchen house to fetch Missus’s breakfast tray. Aunt Hope had just poured the coffee and covered the pot with tin. I stood next to her and whispered in her ear. “Essex in trouble.”
“Kind?”
“Big kind.”
Aunt Hope dropped her head under the table like she searched for something in case Missus snuck up on us with those hawk eyes and dog ears.
“Meet you t’night. Once she go down.”
That evening, I ground up some magnolia bark and stirred it into Missus’s evening cup of tea. It made her so sleepy that she waved off her nightly read of Godey’s Lady’s Book. When I heard her snoring, I tiptoed out. I listened for odd noises and footsteps near the kitchen house before tapping the door three times like Aunt Hope and I planned. Under the cover of night, she and I headed to the stables. I coughed and Essex opened the side door.
“Two days in a row.” He smiled at me, then greeted Aunt Hope by taking her hand. Essex led us into the back of the stables in the same small space behind the horse, Thunder. If anyone came in, we could crouch low and not be seen. Aunt Hope sat down on a haystack and then unwrapped fish and biscuits from a handkerchief and handed a bit to each of us. We ate in silence.
Essex’s eyes were on me.
“Now your belly full, what is it?”
I opened my mouth and recalled Essex’s confession. When I finished, he balled up his fist, but Aunt Hope did not look surprised.
“Whites always want to lay wit’ us and leave us wit’ they problems.”
“Then get rid of us to hide their indiscretions,” I added.
Essex started pacing the small space of floor.
“Ya mama teach you how to mix herbs to lose a baby?”
“No.” I felt embarrassed that I had not asked Mama more questions about her medicine. “Anyway, Missus too far along for herbs.”
“What you goin’ do?” Aunt Hope looked up at Essex.
“He has to run. I tore him a map from one of Miss Sally’s books.”
“Timing is everything,” Aunt Hope said. “How soon?”
“Soon as I can,” replied Essex.
“Got to be before the baby is born,” I pushed. “Aunt Hope, Jasper the only one made it off this plantation.”
“And they drag him back here like a mangy dog.”
“We thought you could tell us his plan.” I tried jogging any memories she might recall.
“Jasper’s plan was to make it up to Balt’more, find work at the docks, and then save money to get to New York.” She turned to me. “Best for Essex if you write him a pass from the Missus. Give him some protection out there.”
“I can try in the morning, while she walking the plantation.”
“I pack you provisions and one of my good knives.” Aunt Hope moved to stand. “Pheby, you goin’ too?”
“Master promised me papers when I turn eighteen. He promised Mama.”
Aunt Hope let out a bitter laugh. “White folks’ promises ain’t but dust. ’Specially the white folks called Massa.” She stood up and hissed over her shoulder, “The blood ones hurt you most.”
She closed the door behind her, but I suddenly felt cold. Something took hold of my body, and even wrapped in my shawl, I could not shake it.
“Come here.” Essex held my hand and led me up to the loft above the horses. When we kissed, I felt like a dying woman and his lips my only antidote. This raw, desperate hunger for him dulled my sense of logic and reason, and I considered running with him.
“I love you, Essex Henry,” I breathed, and he swallowed my words down in his throat. I saw them when I sucked on the spot. His hands fevered me everywhere, and our clothes melted away from our skin as we clumsily found the straw bed. My need for him grew more impatient with each inhalation. I sought for him to reach my cold spots and make them fiery again. We rocked and clung until our circumstance drifted away. A quiver rolled through me as his sweaty body convulsed against mine, and I wrapped my legs around his waist, absorbing all his fears and worries.
The fluids between us dried, but we were too exhausted to dress. My fingers caressed Essex’s chest while I contemplated. Lovemaking must be equivalent to the feeling of freedom. No ties to time or space, hindrance or restraints.
“Come with me, Pheby. I will protect you. You heard Aunt Hope. We cain’t trust any of them. You all I got.”
I grabbed his face and kissed him long and hard, until his desire for me stirred and I could offer him more.