Chapter Twenty-One

‘God, Jessie!’ Rachel met me at the front door. ‘Have you been out all night?’

I pushed past her to get into my room. ‘There was … a party.’

‘You could have invited me. I’ve still got that blue dress I borrowed from Laura for the Run thing. Anyway, why is your hair all straggly?’ Rach followed and perched herself on the end of my bed, wide blue eyes innocently regarding me from under her poodle-curly fringe. I stood for a second, trying to think of an explanation. Then, quite unreasonably, I burst into tears.

Rach began to fuss around. She pulled my duvet from the bed to draw over my shoulders, then hustled me out of the bedroom, settling me on the sofa. ‘Can you tell me what happened?’ She put her head on one side. ‘Or is it some kind of Official Secrets thing?’

I laughed through the tears. ‘I work for the council, not MI5.’

The duvet must have slipped, taken my collar down with it, because Rach’s eyes were suddenly on my neck, pupils wide and her face paling. ‘Oh no, Jess, no.’ Her hand flew to cover her mouth, fingertips between her teeth. ‘No, please.’ Now there were tears in her eyes, too. ‘You’re my only real friend and I’ve always thought your job was just silly stuff and you’ve always been so good at it, and the Treaty and everything is working and this hardly ever happens any more!’

Her reaction stopped my own shock dead. ‘What?’

Rach pointed at my neck. ‘The bite. You’re … you’re going to be a vampire …’ Heavy sobs broke her words into single, almost inaudible fragments. ‘I … can’t … my … family … noooooo …’

I raised a finger and touched the mark. It was healing fast, as vampire bites did, but was still visible; precise and raw. ‘Rach, listen. Yes, I got bitten. It was … look, it’s all a bit complicated to explain but the important thing is that he didn’t seed.’

‘You’re sure?’

A sudden flashback to Sil, fighting his own demon for control, those glowing coals of eyes dying back to the clouded grey. ‘Honestly.’

Rach stood up and slowly made her way to the kitchen. I heard sounds of the kettle being filled and Rach trying to compose herself with the aid of kitchen roll and much nose blowing. As my own eyes continued to leak tears and my body shuddered, I wished my own emotional state could be so easily calmed.

‘It’s not Liam, is it?’ Two brimming cups of PG Tips arrived on the low table, accompanied, to my amazement, by half a packet of chocolate digestives.

‘Why is everyone fixated on Liam?’ I wiped my eyes and nose on a corner of the duvet. ‘He’s not a vampire; thought you’d be able to tell, what with his total lack of style and his Doctor Who obsession. And where did these biscuits come from? I thought you regarded all processed foods as Produce of the Devil?’

‘Jessie, even I get pre-menstrual.’ Rach sipped at the scalding tea. It reminded me of the heat from Sil’s skin. But right now, even the cuckoo-clock which hung tastelessly from the shelf reminded me of Sil. I could still see his eyes, feel his fingers, taste him on the roof of my mouth … ‘You’re crying again.’

‘I think I may have done something really, really stupid,’ I sniffed. ‘I’ve – well, look, I’ve – oh, sod it, I slept with someone last night.’

‘Yes? And?’ Rachel took a biscuit and ate it without even looking at it first, which told me all I needed to know about her alleged suspicion of wheat-based comestibles. ‘I’ve slept with hundreds of men and I hardly ever come home in tears.’

‘Really? Hundreds?’

‘All right, maybe not hundreds. But some. So why has this one made you cry?’ Then she added with sudden wide-eyed comprehension, ‘is he married?’

‘No. Quite the opposite.’ The tea was helping calm me.

‘So he’s single …’

No, Rach, I thought. The opposite of married is vampire. No attachments, no faithfulness. No happy-ever-after. How can I possibly expect her to understand? ‘Look, forget it. It’ll be fine. I’ll have a quick shower and go to work. That’ll take my mind off everything.’ And besides, Liam would understand. I suddenly wanted to pour my heart out to my co-worker, rather than my best friend, and I knew that was terribly wrong. ‘I’ll drink my tea first.’

Rach was looking at me oddly. ‘What’s happened to you, Jessie?’ she finally asked. ‘You used to be so … normal. You’d come home from work and we’d watch Desperate Housewives, me eating something nutritious and you shovelling down crap. Then we’d talk about men and … well, mostly men. Now this weird shutter thing has come down.’

‘It was a tough party.’

‘Not just this morning. For a few days now.’ She tilted her head and looked at me out of the corner of her eye.

‘I’m sorry, Rach. Things have been a bit strange lately.’

She shrugged. ‘And you’re obviously not going to tell me any more. Well, good luck with that.’ Rach leaned in and removed the chocolate digestive that I was about to dunk. ‘Perhaps you ought to go to the office. Then you can eat your own biscuits.’

‘Grief, Jessie!’ Liam coming up the stairs to the office surprised me. I was sitting in front of my computer, staring at its empty screen. ‘It’s a bit early for you.’ He began fussing around, putting down his bags behind his desk, fetching out the coffee jar and searching out clean mugs. ‘Why so crack of dawn? And where’s Sil?’

‘Couldn’t sleep.’

‘But you went home, oh, right, I get it.’ Liam tapped the side of his nose. ‘Right. Say no more. No questions asked.’ He picked up both our mugs in one hand and headed out on to the landing towards the kitchen, but then reappeared, head only, poking through the doorway. ‘Well, just the one. Who, what species, did you stay at his and how was it? Oh. That’s four questions. Never mind, give.’

I turned my eyes on him. Eyes that had watched a vampire cry while I held him. There was so much to say, so much on my mind, that I didn’t know how to even start to let it out.

‘Ohhh … kaaay, sorry I asked.’ Liam’s head disappeared.

Not fair, I know. It wasn’t Liam’s fault that I’d fallen for Sil all those years ago, or that I’d ended up having wild sex in a storm drain. And I only had myself to blame for the aftermath, when the vampire had finally broken down, wrapping his arms around me and weeping for his lost family. But not blaming Liam didn’t help me; didn’t take away this feeling that I’d blown possibly the most precious relationship I’d ever have into a thousand smoking smithereens; so, right now, Liam was on the blunt end of something that had the other end impaled inside my heart.

‘Where’s that bloody coffee?’ was all I could think of to say, so far.

‘Coming right up, boss-man.’ Liam carried a tray through, which was unusual. Normally he balanced the cups in his fist and then complained about scalded knuckles all morning. ‘I’ve put two sugars in because you look like you’re in shock. And I’ve brought the biscuits, because I’ve got a feeling that you’re going to say something that’s going to put me in shock.’

‘I think I killed Malfaire last night.’

‘Whoa, there it was; shortbread I think, for that one.’

‘And two wights attacked Sil and me; we only just got away.’

‘And a chocolate HobNob –’

‘And then we ended up in the river and spent most of the night trying to avoid hypothermia.’

‘Sod it, I’ll open the custard creams. Anything else? Because I think there’s some emergency Kit Kats in the cupboard, if you haven’t found them already.’

I tried really hard to keep my mouth shut. To regulate the flow of words so that I could be cool, emotionless, tell Liam what had happened with a joke and a shrug. Bit the inside of my cheek and everything, but it was useless. ‘Sil – ’ and then the tears came again.

I was dimly aware of Liam’s, ‘Oh shit,’ and then frantic rummaging in a desk drawer before I was presented with a large box of tissues and a hug. ‘Jesus, Jessie, couldn’t you have spread this out over a week or so?’ He smelled nice, I registered, of clean shirt and aftershave, with a hint of baby sick. It was great to be able to lean in to someone who’d understand the full implications of last night. ‘You’ve set a new world record for workplace stress, by the way. In fact, announcements like that probably contravene Health and Safety guidelines.’

‘It’s just shock.’ I hiccupped, trying to breathe.

‘Jesus, what did he do to you!’

I gave a snotty laugh. ‘How graphic would you like me to be?’

A hand stroked my hair. ‘If you wouldn’t see it on Doctor Who, then I don’t need to know, all right?’ There was a long silence, during which Liam uncomplainingly hugged me. Then he let out a sigh. ‘Okay. Can we go back to “you think you killed Malfaire”? I mean, what happened, did you plank him or what?’

The cold feeling came creeping back. ‘No – he – ’ and another lump of tissue was brought into play – ‘there was blood, he couldn’t breathe.’

‘I’m going to run the channels,’ Liam said firmly. ‘If there’s any news on him, we’ll know. Or someone will.’ His hand lingered on my shoulder. ‘How are you doing now? You up to this?’

I nodded and sniffed. Shock did funny things to the system. I would never have cried in front of Liam in the normal course of events. It made him come over all Master and Commander and hyper-butch.

‘You’re not up the duff are you?’ Liam’s sudden question came over the top of the monitor. ‘Sarah cried for seven months when she was expecting.’

‘That was because she knew you were the father,’ I replied.

‘Ah, the return of the Jessica Grant we all know and love.’ Liam sighed. ‘Before we go any further, Jessie, are you going to tell me what happened with you and Sil? The thing that made you cry – and don’t try giving me that “shock” crap. I’ve seen you in shock and it makes you want to rip heads off, not sit around with a lifetime’s supply of tissues – oh. Oh, whoa.’

‘What?’

Liam stared at his computer for a few more seconds, then swung the monitor to face me and turned up the volume on his speakers. Malfaire’s image filled the screen, his face a bleached-bone white but his marmalade eyes full of a kind of triumph. His clothes were messy, torn-about looking, but there was no sign of any wound. I glanced at Liam. ‘What is it?’

‘News clip. From this morning, some minor station that deals in Otherworlder affairs. Picked it up in a general sweep.’

‘Can you re-run? From the start?’

Liam blinked. ‘Hold on a sec,’ and he fiddled with his keyboard for a moment. The image on screen pixellated and broke, then the position of Malfaire’s head changed and we were back at the beginning.

‘While I admit that I was grievously injured, my healing abilities were only slightly compromised, and I appear before you today to show the demon world that I am, indeed, immortal. Our victory against the humankind is assured.’

Liam switched the screen off so quickly that the monitor rocked.

‘Not dead.’ I was alarmed by the sweep of relief. I wasn’t a murderer.

‘No.’

My mobile rang. I snatched it out of my pocket and threw it to Liam. ‘See who it is, will you?’

‘Why? Who aren’t you speaking to?’

‘Liam – ’

‘All right, all right.’ He flipped down the screen. ‘It’s Zan. Are we open for business, or shall I tell him that you’re having a breakdown?’ Great. Like I wanted Zan to know.

‘Is he webcamming?’

‘Probably. The number’s his internet phone.’

‘Right, flip him up. I want to shout at him.’

‘I know you’re in shock, Jessie, but – is that wise?’

‘D’you know, I don’t think I care?’

On screen Zan was looking paler and taller than usual, as though he’d spent the last few weeks in a dark cupboard. ‘Jessica. I have seen the latest broadcasts. They have not yet reached the human channels, and hopefully he will be dismissed as another scaremonger, but …’ A frown creased his otherwise perfect forehead. ‘I fear danger may walk abroad.’

‘That bad? So he’s more than just a nutter?’

Zan gave a muted shrug. ‘He seems truly invincible. If you could not kill him, then … who can?’

I had a sudden thought, a memory of my mother … of Jen, sitting at the farm table, head in her hands, mourning. ‘My family – Zan … are they in danger? He threatened …’

The low-level shrug was repeated. ‘His invincibility may save them. If he feels himself supreme, then why should he concern himself with a petty collection of humans? I fear that they are beneath his notice now.’ He glanced down at something on his desk. ‘You, however, have taken a stand against him and he will have you punished as an example to others.’

A movement behind Zan. ‘Hey.’

‘Hello, Sil.’ My heart shot up into my throat at the sight of him and I had to do some special breathing exercises to get over the feeling that I was going to fall off my chair. While I was wearing the first clothes that I’d stepped on, he looked sassy and slick. Black shirt over black T over black jeans. It made his hair almost purple-dark and his skin very pale. No trace of the tears or the anguish, or of the ecstasy either, come to that. ‘How are you this morning?’

His face appeared in front of Zan. ‘Yeah, I’m good.’

My heart sank down into my stomach. His tone was brisk, upbeat, nicely impersonal; no softness in the way he spoke or looked at me. Everything that had happened between us, everything, was nothing to him. ‘Well, that’s nice.’ God, I was proud of myself. Jonathan, whispered a tiny voice deep in my mind, his name is Jonathan. And another piece of me folded in half and curled around itself. I focused on the webcam.

Zan was standing up now, readjusting the camera, so all I could see was a close-up of his stomach. A wide leather belt rode around his narrow hips, a shirt which looked very much as though it was made of silk was tucked into it. Even as things were falling apart, Zan dressed for the catwalk. His face had thinned. Become feral. His fangs were down and his pupils red. ‘Stay there,’ he said and abruptly ended the call. He seemed to have dropped the pretence of being in charge of nothing more dangerous than a particularly savage stapler and I wondered where that left Sil.

I was shaking. Liam came and perched on the desk in front of me. ‘So, then,’ he said carefully. ‘You reckoned you were a murderer, now you know you’re not, but you still look like you’re minus one Happy Hour and Sil is being way too laid back for it to be natural. What exactly has been going on, Jessie?’

‘Sil – ’ I tried to start again but words wouldn’t come past the lump in my throat.

Liam raised his eyebrows. ‘So he’s the vamp responsible for the bite on your neck then, is he? Thought it must be something like that … Oh come on, Jessie, did you think I wouldn’t notice? You can pull your collar up all you like, but how long have I worked in this office?’

My hands flew to the incriminating marks. ‘It wasn’t – it’s not like it looks.’

‘Yeah? Well, you tell me what it looks like to you, and I’ll tell you that to me it looks like you and the city vamp have been getting down and dirty, and if you don’t tell me everything then you could be watching your coffee for laxatives for the next three weeks.’

And then I started crying again.

Liam watched me impassively for a moment, then disappeared into the kitchen. There were clanking sounds and the noise of the emergency bucket being displaced, before he reappeared carrying a bottle of whisky. ‘When biscuits are no longer enough – ’ he explained, pouring two mugfuls – ‘time for the heavy stuff.’

I sobbed down a mouthful. Liam was still watching me. ‘This is horrible.’

‘Yeah. I use it to clean the spoons.’ He moved suddenly, to crouch in front of me. ‘So. It was Sil. It’s all come to this.’ Gently he hooked a sticky strand of hair behind my ear. ‘Just tell me, Jessie.’

So I told him. All of it. Even the bits that made me blush to admit. Liam listened and drained his mug, poured me another even though I could hardly bear to sip at it. ‘You and Sil. You were always hot for each other.’

‘It’s worse than that.’ Tears flowed faster. ‘Oh God, Liam, what am I going to do? I think I’m in love with him.’

I bent forward, crying so hard that whisky slopped up my arm. Liam put the mug down and took my hand. ‘Fuck, Jessie. After all we’ve been told, with all that you know? Talk about a slow boat to nowhere.’

‘I know. There’s nothing you can tell me about vampires. They don’t form relationships, they make stoats look sexually circumspect and they have all the emotional warmth of a slug. I know all this! Hell, I probably wrote the pamphlet. But – ’ I shrugged.

He rubbed a thumb across my cheek, smearing the tears. ‘Oh, Jessie. What do you want me to do? I can kill him, if you like.’

That made me laugh. I looked up into Liam’s oh-so-human eyes, a gentle brown without all the clouding and shifting that marks out a vampire. ‘No. You’re all right. I’ll have to deal with it as best I can.’

‘But can you? Can you really deal with him, feeling like this? What if – hell I hate to say it, Jessie, but you must have thought it – what if he goes rogue? Could you stake him?’

‘Look.’ I took a huge breath, regained some self-control. ‘I don’t know, okay? Last night he … he was almost human. He cried, Liam. He told me about his kids, his wife, and he cried. So, maybe there is hope for him. But for now, I can only take things a little bit at a time. And Malfaire is still out there, he still wants me dead, and now we have no idea what to do about it, that’s the most pressing problem. Being in love with a vampire – well, I’ll have to dig out that T-shirt you brought me back from London and keep wearing it until the message sinks in.’

‘The “What Would Buffy Do?” one? Jessie, you do know that Buffy wasn’t a documentary don’t you?’

I shrugged tiredly. ‘I’m not sure what I know any more.’