Chapter Twenty-Four

I tried to ring Liam from the car, but his mobile went to voicemail every time. Then I tried Rachel, home and mobile, and my sister on her mobile, with the same results. I tried again, but my hands were shaking too hard for accurate dialling. ‘Do you think they’re at the house? Has Malfaire …?’

Without looking, Sil reached out a hand and stilled my trembling fingers. ‘Almost certainly,’ he said, eyes on the road. ‘But he won’t have killed them, Jess. Not if you aren’t there to see it happen. He’s taken them to force you to do something, and bodies are no use for blackmail.’

I took a deep breath. ‘Then he’s going to try to kill you, too.’

The car wobbled a bit as he allowed his eyes to meet mine for a brief moment. ‘Yes. And I really do not want to sound self-interested here, but that is why we need a plan.’

We spent the rest of the journey trying to come up with one, but we weren’t natural co-operators. Sil’s plans always consisted of smashing our way in and trying to cause Malfaire as much damage as possible, while mine consisted of trying to talk our way out of things. When we eventually pulled up in the York square next to the house, we were still arguing.

‘If he can’t be killed, there’s no point going in guns blazing.’

‘Talking will do nothing. He won’t listen to anything you have to say.’

I stopped, halfway out of the Bugatti. ‘He might,’ I said slowly. ‘If it’s something he wants to hear.’ The very beginnings of a kind of plan were starting to form. I had no idea how far I could take it, and still no idea how we were going to actually defeat Malfaire, but I thought I could at least hold him for a while. ‘Sil.’ I put a hand on the vampire’s arm. ‘Whatever is going on with us, whatever we decide to do afterwards, split up or go back to the way we were before … you will help me now, won’t you?’

He stood rigid. ‘Jessie. Do you really think this is the time and place for a big “Where Is This Going?” relationship talk?’

‘Er, no, I suppose not really. But that wasn’t where I was heading. Listen.’ I whispered my sketchy idea, all the while aware of the feel of him under my hand, the flexing of his muscles as his fist bunched and the occasional slip and glide as his demon freewheeled on the tension.

‘It will never work, Jessica. It depends on your friend being here.’

‘Look, Rach isn’t answering her phone. I cannot get it over to you strongly enough, what with you being a bloody nineteenth-century Dorian-Grey-alike, that, short of some of the more extreme forms of death, nothing stops Rachel from answering her phone. She lives in constant hope that Damian Lewis is going to come for her, and, besides, she’s got the vet on speed-dial. If she’s not answering, something is very, very wrong, and Malfaire is kind of the definition of very, very wrong.’

‘But …’

‘Got a better idea, plotmeister?’

A pause. ‘I suppose it is the best we have. But you … he could harm you.’

‘Sil, the entire world could be at stake here. If the Treaty goes tits-up, we’ve all had it anyway, pretty much. It’ll be back to the guerrilla warfare and hiding in burned-out cars and baiting traps with designer footwear.’ Sil gave me a sideways look. ‘I know, I know, my view of the Troubles all comes from films and some of them were comedies, but you know what I mean. If I stand any chance of stopping him, then I have to take it.’ We stared at the front of the house for a moment. ‘So, we ought to go in then.’

Sil pulled a face. ‘Yes.’

‘No point standing around out here.’

‘No.’

‘Are you scared?’

He rolled his eyes. ‘Let’s just bloody do it, shall we? Rubbish plan or no, we can’t stand out here all day debating.’ His long, thin fingertips closed around the handle of the huge front door.

‘Wait! What happened to the element of surprise?’

‘I live here and Malfaire knows it. I rather think the element of surprise burned itself out at that point, Jessica.’ Sil gathered himself to full height and stalked in through his own doorway. I tiptoed along behind, cautiously staying in his shadow. The hallways and landings were chilly, hushed places at the best of times and, right now, with my skin dread-clammy, they felt positively mausoleumic.

‘It shouldn’t be this quiet,’ I whispered as we slid like an ill-matched pair of Charlie’s Angels around corners. ‘At least if people were screaming I’d know they were still alive.’

Right on cue a sudden scream filled the corridor. It was a female scream of fear and horror.

‘That was Rach!’

Without thinking, I headed towards the sound. Took the stairs two at a time, spun around the top landing and stopped outside a bedroom door. ‘They’re in here.’

The vampire and I stood and contemplated the bedroom door for a couple of seconds. Finally I muttered, ‘Oh, what the hell,’ and opened it. Inside, the room stank of magic. It was thick with spells, enough to cast mutant silhouettes across the floor and furniture. There, on the bed, sprawled Rach, rubbing at a sore-looking forearm, with Abbie huddled against her. Liam was attempting to keep himself in front of both women which, considering Liam could have stunt-doubled for a pipe-cleaner, was an heroic effort. In the middle of the green, greasy smoke of the magic lay Zan, Harry and Eleanor, trussed with invisible ropes. Only their eyes moved.

Malfaire stood in the centre of the room. The magic rolled and boiled around him and completely ruined the toning effect of his autumnal ensemble.

‘Let them go.’

He jumped. If that was to be my only triumph this evening, it was worth it. ‘Ah. Hello, Jessica. I had hoped that you would be joining us. And now the fun may truly begin.’

‘For a given value of “fun”.’ I stared into Malfaire’s face. ‘Let them go. This has nothing to do with them; what you really want is me, so, here I am.’

The magic billowed as he turned to face me fully. ‘Actually, Jessica, what I really want is you to watch them die.’

I looked at Liam. ‘What did he do?’

‘I called Enforcement as soon as you’d gone. Thought we might need back up, but I was too late.’ Liam sounded breathless, desperate to impart information. ‘He turned up just after, with your sister and your friend in tow and when Harry and Ellie got here, he … We tried to call you but …’ His voice broke. ‘I’m sorry, Jessie. We wanted to fight …’

Malfaire inclined his head in agreement. ‘This one put up quite the struggle.’ He nudged Zan with one, immaculately booted foot. ‘But ultimately I am the better man. As you will discover.’ His eyes flicked uninterestedly over Sil and then away. He was so certain of himself, so smug, he made vampires look positively self-deprecating.

‘What will it take for you to let them go?’ Rach and Abbie were boggling at me as though they’d never seen me before. Eleanor had her eyes fixed on me as though she was memorising my every move for the court case, and Harry had his eyes shut. There were occasional twitches around his mouth, and I wondered if he was praying.

‘You have already declined my offer, Jessica. More than once. It should hardly be necessary to repeat it.’

‘You still want me to fight at your side?’ God, what was it with everyone? Apart from work I’d gone thirty-one years without being involved in so much as a scuffle outside a nightclub, and suddenly everyone and his dog wants me armed.

‘You are prepared to reconsider?’

‘If it means saving these people, then yes, I’ll reconsider.’

Sil moved a little closer to me. ‘Here we go,’ he whispered on an almost inaudible outbreath.

Malfaire gave a triumphant grin. ‘Ah, my daughter. I knew you would come around to my way of thinking, in the end.’

‘Hard not to, when you’ve got everyone hostage. Let them go, and we’ll talk.’

The magic threw little golden sparks off the edges of the furniture. Pretty. Lethal, but pretty. ‘Now, I would be a fool indeed to release everyone, wouldn’t I? Do you consider me a fool, Jessica?’

I folded my arms. ‘Let them go or I won’t say another word.’

‘Promises, promises,’ Liam cut in.

‘I’m so glad you’re on my side, I’d hate to think of you bitching for the opposition,’ I said without looking at him.

Malfaire pounced. Took me by one hand and moved me to a corner of the room. I rolled my eyes at Sil, hoping he’d take this as ‘try to get everyone out of here’, but he just frowned. We really needed to work on our subliminal signalling.

‘Be with me, daughter, and everyone will be safe.’ Magic whispered across my skin like a fresh breeze. ‘Together we may protect whomever we wish. And destroy whatever stands before us.’

I breathed as calmly as I could. ‘You’re immortal,’ I said.

He looked absurdly proud. ‘Yes, it does seem that way, doesn’t it?’ he agreed. ‘No hard feelings about the whole – ’ A hand wafted along his torso. ‘You had to try, after all. I would admire you less if I’d thought you were unable to kill.’ His hand gently squeezed mine. ‘But what’s made you reconsider your position? I thought that you and this –’ a hand waved towards Sil – ‘were playing happy families.’

Eleanor’s eyes narrowed even further and I might not have telepathy but I’d be willing to hazard a guess at what she was thinking right then.

‘Since I found out about the whole demon thing, I’m not so sure where I fit in any more. Now I’ve had time to think … my whole life turns out to have been a lie, I’m in –’ Whoops. Managed to catch myself in time there – ‘in deep with a vampire who can’t stop himself from screwing around and living on the edge, so there’s no happy-ever-after for me there either. If I’m enough of a demon to have something to offer you – well, that’s starting to look like a better bet, from where I’m standing.’

I could see Eleanor was taking mental notes. I was probably never going to be out of the frame for any crime now, as far as she was concerned; if I so much as dropped a crisp packet in the street I’d probably be looking at ten years to life. Abbie and Rach were holding hands. Harry was still praying silently.

I let myself look at Sil. Our plan was little more than rudimentary and there were many fine details that we hadn’t had time to work out but it was all we had, and now was the time to put it into action.

Sil hurled himself across the floor, meeting Malfaire’s magical shielding with the noise of a thousand tin cans falling. His fangs were down and he was halfway to demon by the look in his eyes. They stood grimacing, face to face, as the magic streamed over and past them; Malfaire’s cheeks were rattling with the force of it and Sil’s dark mane of hair was flapping like a flag. Sil punched out, slashed at the pale- green shielding and Malfaire stepped back, his face tight, nose wrinkled against the metallic stink of impact. When the blow failed to penetrate, Malfaire’s mouth started to curve in a little smile which broadened with each attempt Sil made. ‘Vampire,’ he said contemptuously, as though the word was synonymous with rubbish. ‘Don’t you know that I can’t die?’

If you can’t die, I thought, with a sudden, rising hope, then why bother shielding? Even you aren’t quite sure, are you? Zan seemed to be conscious in the middle of all that magical rope-stuff. ‘Are you okay?’ I mouthed around the edge of the glam-rock combat.

He twitched an eyebrow.

‘Is that yes or no?’ I mouthed back.

He rolled his eyes, and I concluded that if he was capable of silent sarcasm he was probably all right. It made me feel a bit better.

‘Aren’t you going to do something?’ It was Abigail. Ghostly pale, she’d used Malfaire’s inattention to take the chance to stand up and face me. ‘This all seems to be something to do with you, Jessica. Don’t you think you ought to make these monsters stop?’

‘Monsters’ was a bit rich coming from someone who’d had Zan’s picture tacked up on her bedroom wall throughout her formative years. ‘It will be over soon,’ I said. The magic was blazing around them now; Sil was outlined in a livid green while Malfaire stood, seemingly unmoved, in a yellowish glow. But Sil was weakening; the green was tightening, closing in around the vampire and, as I watched, it formed a noose-shape in the air, drew down around the flailing form and snared him, binding his arms to his sides.

Sil rolled, or rather, the magic rolled him, until he lined up next to Zan and the Enforcement pair, eyes flaring. He’d probably never been this helpless in his entire, long, life.

Abbie sat down again. She and Rach resumed their pallid, silent staring while Liam merely sat, hands in his lap. He looked defeated and hopeless, as though he was waiting to die.

‘All right,’ I said to Malfaire. ‘You’re more powerful than the vampires, I get that.’

It was Sil’s turn to be poked with the toe. ‘Now, where were we?’ Poke, poke. ‘Ah, yes. You were telling me that you felt more demon than human, I think.’

‘I’ll be on your side,’ I said quickly, before I could change my mind. Knew I sounded like we were picking school-yard football teams, but couldn’t think of any other way to phrase it. Malfaire gave me a long, slow look. It was hot and hungry. ‘If you’re so powerful, then what’s the point in me sticking with the vampires? If I can protect the people I love then I’d rather be on the winning side.’

Malfaire’s look intensified; you could have fried eggs on the air between us. Eleanor and Zan were giving me joint evils. I quite liked them trussed up and silent.

‘Mmmm,’ Malfaire said slowly. ‘But I’m not sure I trust this sudden turnaround, daughter.’

‘What do you want me to do to prove it?’ I tried not to let my eyes stray over to Sil. This was such a big gamble that it made the whole of Las Vegas look like a ‘just for pennies’ pontoon evening at the local Senior Citizens club. ‘I could kill one of them – would that do?’

Malfaire’s eyes were syrup-gold. ‘Hmm. It may.’ He lifted his gaze from mine and stared at his captives. ‘But which?’

I forced down the leap of panic. ‘A hard choice.’

‘One of the humans. The vampires are mine to deal with.’

I had to let him think that the choice was his, but without that actually being the case. ‘I have history with the Enforcement team. I’m due some revenge …’

Eleanor’s pupils distended. I tried to beam her good vibes but … couldn’t quite bring myself to do it. A little suffering would be good for her. The bitch.

Malfaire shook his head. ‘No. That would be too easy. Cold blood is so much more satisfying.’

Good. ‘That leaves my adopted sister, my colleague or my best friend.’

Abbie gave a squeal and Liam started. They all fixed their eyes on my face.

‘Hmm. I don’t believe your workmate is sufficiently close to you.’

Malfaire clearly didn’t know about just how much time Liam and I spent in one another’s company or how personal our conversations could get when we were. ‘Fine.’

‘And your sister is not truly your sister, is she? You will be undergoing some distancing from your family.’

‘So. Rachel then.’ I tried to look as though I didn’t care one way or the other.

The women both started yelling at once; Rach jumped to her feet and Abbie pushed herself in front of her. ‘Now, listen here, you’re not going to …’

‘Jessie?’ Liam’s eyes met mine. ‘Can you?’

‘I have to.’ I tried to will him to understand, whilst widening my eyes at Sil. The vampire’s expression never faltered, but then he’d had more practice than me at this sort of thing. ‘I have to, Liam.’

Liam looked me up and down, then nodded. ‘Yeah.’

‘Go to your friend, Rachel.’ Malfaire gave Rach a little shove and she tottered out from Abigail’s shielding bulk. ‘Say goodbye, everyone.’

Another shove and Rach wobbled into my arms. A coil of magic came with her, keeping her from flailing at me, as she so clearly wanted to do. Her face was shocked blank. ‘Jessie, you won’t,’ she said, as though trying to convince herself. ‘You won’t.’

I raised my hands to either side of her head. Couldn’t look her in the eye. ‘I am so sorry, Rach.’

She squeaked and tried to move her head away, but Malfaire had her trussed. Every ounce of blood had drained from her skin, she was blueish pale and her eyes looked drugged. ‘Jessie …’

I flicked a glance at the bound vampires. Sil was still not blinking. Okay. We could do this. Carefully positioned my hands, palms cupping her above the ears. Twisted.

Rachel gave a little sigh and dropped at my feet. Revulsion crawled down my spine like a bug and I must have gone pale myself, because Liam came over and grabbed my arm. ‘It’s over, Jessie,’ he whispered. ‘You did it, it’s over.’

Abbie, her face shocked immobile, whispered, ‘You are no sister of mine.’

Malfaire, on the other hand, looked jubilant. ‘My daughter.’ He sounded almost fond. ‘I knew you could do it.’

I huddled into Liam, not wanting to see the results of my actions. Chanced one quick look at Sil. He’d closed his eyes. Good.

‘Now you’ll let them go?’

Malfaire wrinkled his nose at me. ‘Oh, all right. They were no fun anyway.’ And then an alien stare. ‘And, of course, I know where your parents live, should you need additional persuasion.’

I clenched both hands into Liam’s shirt. ‘Liam. He stays with me.’

A perfect eyebrow rose. ‘Really? This one, too? Jessica, you greedy girl. Yes, he can stay. After all, once we call the full force of the Dark to us it’s hardly going to matter who we left alive at this juncture. None of them will live through the battle.’

‘Can I …?’ I let go of Liam, faced Malfaire. Had to do this right or he’d never go for it. ‘Malfaire …’ That smile curled his lips again. ‘Could I beg a favour?’

A sigh, as though he over-indulged me all the time. ‘Go on.’

‘Could I have a few minutes alone, to say goodbye to them before you let them leave? I may never see them again and it would mean a lot to me.’

A shrewd look. Had I pushed it too far? ‘You cannot escape, Jessica. And now that you have killed, in full view of your pathetic Enforcement, well, you would be hunted even should you try to leave.’

‘I know.’ Yes, go on Malfaire, remind everyone that I come under the Otherworld heading now, that Enforcement are my nemeses instead of … well, Eleanor and I hadn’t exactly been doing one another’s hair, but at least we’d been in it together. Now I’d very definitely stepped over the species line. ‘Believe me, Malfaire, running away is the last thing on my mind.’

‘Well then. All right. Oh, but I’ll keep this one until you rejoin me, in case you decide to change your mind.’ Malfaire hooked one arm around Liam’s shoulders in a kind of prison-buddy hug.

‘But …’

‘Your choice.’ His arm tightened painfully. I could see Liam’s skinny shoulders being forced inwards under the pressure.

‘Yes. As long as I can say goodbye.’

Malfaire gave a short nod. ‘Very well. You have ten minutes. If any of them are still here after that time,’ he gave Liam a matey squeeze that nearly drove him to his knees, ‘I’m sure you wouldn’t like the effects,’ he finished, and he and Liam, moving in step like a hellish three-legged race entrant, left the room.

Slowly the magic around the vampires and Enforcement dissolved and they sat up. ‘Well. I suppose that’s bought us a few minutes.’ Eleanor’s voice was bitter.

‘A few minutes might be enough.’ Harry sounded harsh.

‘Is this what the Treaty has come to? You opposing us? War?’ Zan stood, straight-backed and imposing and, for a second, I felt a tiny shiver of warning down my spine.

‘God, you all have a high opinion of me, don’t you? You think I’d really ally myself with Malfaire? I’m beginning to hate myself by association.’ I put my hands on my hips and stood over Rach’s fallen body. ‘Sil? Do your hocus-pocus.’

Getting stiffly to his feet Sil joined me. ‘You took one hell of a risk, Jessica.’

‘Better than the alternative.’

He inclined his head, bent down beside Rach and whispered something in her ear.

‘This carpet smells funny,’ were her first, unLazaruslike words. ‘What happened?’

‘Sil still has a mind-tie with you. He kind of put you under, so Malfaire would think you were dead.’

My sister stared accusingly at me from the bed. ‘You bitch,’ she said, between sobs. ‘I always knew. You’re evil, Jessica.’ It felt like she’d pushed her hand between my ribs and was clawing at my heart.

Rachel stared at me. ‘You killed me,’ she said, rubbing her neck.

‘But you aren’t dead. Evidently.’

‘But you chose me. You killed me. Not Liam, not Abigail. Not even Eleanor. I thought you were my friend.’

‘It had to be you, Rach. You’re the only one Sil has ever glamoured, or, at least, the only one he’s admitting to. The only one he has an influence over. I’m glad he was paying attention.’ I looked at the vampire and got a dark-glass gaze in response.

‘Okay, so now what?’ Harry was rubbing his arms. I noted that Eleanor had grasped at his jacket cuff and was holding on for dear life; this touch of vulnerability almost made me stand down from Hatred Defcon One, until I remembered the silver bullets, and I forced myself to look away. Now was not the time to weaken on the loathing front.

Zan looked at me. ‘Jessica?’

‘What? I think I’ve done you lot enough favours for one day.’

Sil was giving me the stare. ‘I think it might be time for Plan B,’ he said.

‘Plan B? What on earth is that? We never came up with a Plan B. We barely had a Plan A.’

Zan leaned in close, his mouth against my ear. Little tickles of breath made my hair stand on end along my neck. ‘Jessica,’ he whispered. ‘There are several panicked humans in here. I suggest you think of a Plan B with some alacrity.’

Sil gave me a small smile. ‘She’s never been the world’s greatest planner.’

‘I know. I’ve seen her office.’

The two vamps flanked me like a couple of bookends as I stared at the humans, now huddled around one another on the bed. Rach kept rubbing her neck and Abbie was avoiding looking directly at me.

‘Okay. Plan B it is.’ They had to get out of here. Malfaire wouldn’t hesitate to kill everyone if his mood dictated it. ‘Zan, can you get them to Harrogate?’

The vampires stared at me. ‘Harrogate?’ Zan repeated.

‘What for, a bit of pre-apocalyptic shopping?’ Sil’s eyes were munitions grey again.

‘Caro. The vampire I helped at the Dead Run, she owes me. Take them to her and ask her to … I dunno, look after them until they get the all-clear. Malfaire won’t know where they’ve gone so he won’t be able to come after them if everything goes wrong this end. Get my parents there as well.’

Zan turned to Sil. ‘Take them, as she says.’

‘I’m not leaving Jessie. You go.’ Sil grabbed my hand.

‘Nor I.’ Zan took my other hand. I felt as though they’d tethered me, but their rigidity, useless as I knew it to be, was somehow comforting.

‘It’s all right, we’ll take the van.’ Eleanor stood up, obviously trying for control. ‘I think we have to radio through a report in any case.’ She glanced to Harry for confirmation, but he wouldn’t meet her eye, just kept his gaze firmly fixed on the carpet.

‘Phone Mum and Dad,’ I said to Abbie. ‘Tell them to meet you there. If Malfaire is still doing his phone-block thing, ring the neighbours and give them the message that way.’

Abbie barely glanced at me. ‘I don’t know what’s going on here, Jessica,’ she said. ‘You were my baby sister, now you’re not even human and you’re some kind of killer planning on fighting demons and letting war break out again.’ She shook her head. ‘I used to change your nappy! But you’re not even human …’

‘Talk to Mum and Dad, Abbs. It’s their story really, not mine. I didn’t ask for any of this and now I’m just doing the best I can. Oh, and I’m trying to avert war, not let it happen.’ I took a breath. ‘And you never changed my nappy. If you don’t count that time you were looking for that necklace thing that I swallowed.’

The vampires exchanged a look, and then a shrug.

Abbie walked over to Zan with Rach clinging to her like a toddler. ‘Where do we find this Caro?’

Zan wrote the address on a bit of card. Abbie blushed as she took it from him; that was one serious crush she had going. Then Zan took them all to the back stairs, returning to Sil and me with a weary expression. ‘I instructed them to leave quickly and quietly. It was a clever thought, Jessica, to send them to Caro.’

‘What about you two? Malfaire will kill you if he finds you’re still here.’

Zan and Sil exchanged a quick glance, then Sil laid a hand gently on my cheek. ‘We’re not leaving you, Jessie. He’s a monster and, let’s face it, if we think that …’

‘You want us to go, and yet, a human remains,’ Zan said. ‘Why?’

‘Liam and I have been team-mates for a long time and I trust him to do exactly as I ask, not fanny about asking daft questions, present company very much included there, guys. And, I don’t think Malfaire will see him as any kind of threat, so he’ll be safer than you would be. Is that enough?’

‘But …’ Sil began. Zan silenced him with a raised hand.

‘I fear any questions will merely justify point one.’

‘Thank you.’

Sil looked into my eyes. As I’ve said, I’m immune to the whole vamp mind control thing so he can only have done it to let me see the shifting of the darkness inside him. ‘Zan and I will stay in the house.’

‘But he’s beaten you so many times already, what makes you think …?’

Sil pulled me closer towards him. ‘Jessie, if anything happens to you, Zan and I will go out fighting, know that.’

Gosh.

The two vampires melted away into the darkness, of which there was quite a lot in this house. Slowly, stomach churning, I went down the main staircase, keeping one hand on the oak banister for support.

‘Ginger Rogers had more style.’ Liam was standing in the hallway.

‘She didn’t work for York City Council.’ I reached the bottom and lowered my voice. ‘Are you okay?’

The ‘I’m so cool I can make jokes’ act fell away. ‘I am fucking terrified, Jessie.’ His skin was taut with fear and a silken gloss of sweat lay sheer on his skin. ‘What now?’

‘Thanks for not asking why I didn’t get Malfaire to let you go with the others.’

‘Hey!’ A return of the sense of humour. ‘You’re my boss. Let you stay here alone and I kiss goodbye to the Christmas bonus.’ But his fingers dug into the skin of my arm. ‘Sarah and Charlotte,’ he breathed. ‘Does he know about them?’

‘They’ll be fine at Sarah’s mother’s; even if he does know, he won’t know where to look for them.’

He closed his eyes for a second and a little of the tension left him. ‘Okay then. What’s the plan? As Malfaire can’t even be killed by his own flesh and blood – what do we try next?’

‘Oh. My. God.’ It must have been the terror and the dread that did it. Like the tumblers of a lock suddenly freeing up to allow access to a safe, my brain clicked into gear. ‘Is it really as simple as that?’

‘Er, Jessie? Human, no telepathy.’

‘I’ve just, ohhh, it could be, but how can, ohhh …’

‘And again, in English?’

Where was Malfaire? How long had we got before he turned up? I lowered my voice and started to talk really fast. ‘When you brought the office stuff here, did you bring everything? Everything we had in the fridge?’

‘Yep. Pretty much.’

‘No, it’s important. All the stuff from the fridge?’

‘Er, yes. There wasn’t much in there. And we brought the paperwork. We left the dead files, but I picked up everything that’s open at the moment. Why?’

‘Because I have a plan.’

At almost cartoon-speed I outlined my idea to Liam, who flinched. ‘You think that’s it? That’ll work?’

‘It’s the only hope we’ve got right now. You wait for …’ I tailed off as Malfaire came sauntering around the corner accompanied by his pair of Shadows.

‘Jessica.’ He clicked his fingers and the Shadows flowed off into hidden corners. I was clearly supposed to be aware they were still present. ‘We find ourselves alone at last.’

‘Hello.’ Liam gave a little wave. ‘Still here, still listening, still paying the fan club subscription fees. I might not be armed but I can bite bloody hard if you’re after a fight.’

Malfaire hardly gave him a glance. ‘Humans do clutter the place up, don’t they?’ he said to me. ‘Perhaps we should …’

‘Malfaire.’ I had to stop him thinking about Liam, although it already helped that he considered my front-line weapon to be beneath contempt. ‘I think we should let Liam carry on staffing the office. If people notice the tracker programme is down, we could have chaos breaking out on the streets.’ The demon’s expression went thoughtful, so I pressed home my advantage, ‘I mean, yes, we want chaos, ultimately, but we want chaos we can be in charge of. Not chaotic chaos,’ I finished lamely. ‘Keep things running until we can step in and take over. We don’t want the humans implementing some kind of “scorched earth” policy, do we?’

Liam’s eyes flashed wide for a second. The reality of the danger we might be in if I couldn’t do something fairly drastic was clearly sinking in. And I knew that there were plans in high government for terminal action should the vampires try to rise. I’d once slept with a blabbermouth journalist – something Liam didn’t know about. At least, I hoped he didn’t.

Malfaire waved a hand. Didn’t even seem bothered enough to waste words on a mere human. I leaned towards Liam, steadied myself against his shoulder, and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. ‘See you later,’ I said, and then under cover of wiping away non-existent lipstick (I worked for the council, lipstick in my job would have been like clothes on dogs) I whispered in his ear, ‘Sil and Zan are in the house.’

Malfaire pulled me away rather more roughly than I thought the situation warranted. I barely had time to grimace at Liam in a way that I really hoped he understood, before I found myself in a high-ceilinged reception room, with the double doors firmly closed behind us.

Malfaire glanced around at the furnishings. ‘How odd,’ he said. ‘Usually vampires have more of a sense of style.’ He turned to face me. ‘That’s all they are, of course, a triumph of style over substance. You seemed surprised that I could so easily subdue both your pet and the old one, but, as you will find out, vampires are pathetic creatures, really.’ He removed his jacket and hung it carefully over the back of a Louis XIV chair, stroking the folds so that it wouldn’t crease. ‘Yes,’ he went on. ‘With vampires it’s all blood and thrills, which is not a basis for a system of government. This world will be so much better when demons run it properly.’ He gave me a long-lashed look. ‘And by demons, of course, I mean you and me.’

This was good. This was the bad guy wanting to talk. And the longer he talked, the more chance there was of Liam being able to do what I’d asked. If I could keep him talking a while longer …

‘So.’ I perched on the edge of a ridiculously over-gilded chair. There seemed to be a lot of gilt around this house. I wondered if Zan was being metaphorical through the medium of furniture. ‘Where do we go from here?’

Malfaire leaned against the wall and stared down his nose at me. ‘You are very like your mother, Jessica,’ he said suddenly. ‘In appearance, I mean. She was an easily broken thing, ultimately, and I do hope that you have not inherited that tendency.’

I held my breath. Tried to keep my expression neutral. ‘I see.’

The demon fussed with the creases in his trousers, lining them perfectly down the front. ‘You should never have been born, of course,’ he continued. ‘Ghyst do not willingly breed unless threatened with extinction; we are not prone to giving birth to our own downfall. Although that now seems to have been little more than unsubstantiated rumour.’

‘Well, you wouldn’t, I suppose. It would be like giving birth to a life-sentence.’ I swallowed hard. ‘My mother – what was she like?’

Malfaire gave a little smile. ‘Ah. There was a lot more to your mother than met the eye, my dear. Very much more.’ The smile thinned at the corners. ‘But, if it is all the same to you, I don’t think it a good idea to give you too much information. Added incentive to keep me alive and well, do you see? If anything happens to me, all knowledge of your parentage will die with me.’ He studied his nails. ‘And, of course, when we rule her picture will hang –’ a glance at the walls – ‘just there, I think.’

He has pictures of her. He knows all about her, my mother, Rune Atrasia. The information I most want in the world. But …

‘Would you like some wine?’ I blurted out, trying to cover the tumult of emotion that was rioting through me. If I’d had a vampire demon it would have been a very, very happy bunny right now. ‘Zan keeps … kept a pretty swanky cellar; there’s some expensive stuff down there.’

Malfaire shrugged. ‘You need alcohol?’

‘Oh yes,’ I said, with very heavy emphasis. ‘Right now, I think I do.’

‘Then we shall share a bottle of the vampire’s finest. Order your human to fetch us some.’

‘I’ll go and find him.’ Leaving the demon lounging in an antique chair, I fled down the corridor to the living room, where Liam had all the office equipment. He was crouched in front of the fridge. ‘Jessie, this had better work,’ he said, straightening up as I came in. ‘I am really not up for spending the rest of my life as that man’s domestic servant.’ He handed me a bottle. ‘Well, not unless it comes with a really smart uniform,’ he added.

‘This is it?’

‘Yeah. Zan helped out. He’s ace at mixing cocktails, it seems. Particularly this sort, which makes you wonder. Jessie, are you …?’

‘Don’t. Please. Where are the vamps now?’

Liam nodded at the wall. ‘Secret passageways run all over the house. Perfect for that mob-and-blazing-torch moment.’

‘They think of everything. Right. You know what you’re doing?’

‘Yep. The boys are waiting for the cue. They’ll let me know when you’re ready.’

‘You mean they’ll be watching? What if this,’ I shook the bottle, ‘doesn’t work?’

Liam gave a little grin. ‘Then I think we all die horribly in some kind of cinematic slo-mo.’ Then he reached out and unexpectedly touched my cheek. ‘Are you all right?’

I felt the tears heavy behind my eyelids. ‘I have to be. Otherwise …’ I choked off and shook my head. ‘I don’t think we’d like the alternative.’

‘Well, look at it this way. There can’t be many people who’ve had to get drunk on very expensive wine to save the world.’

‘Thanks.’ We stood a moment longer, then I waved the bottle and left. Couldn’t speak for the lump in my throat. If I messed this up then I’d never see Liam again. Not alive, anyway.

Sil waited in the passage behind the panelling for Zan to catch up. ‘She’s good, you’ve got to admit.’

The old vampire nodded. ‘Clever. Devious. Almost like one of us.’

Sil half-laughed. ‘I think that is what frightens her most.’ He pressed his eye to the crack, which gave a fish-eye view of the room beyond. ‘She has left the room.’ His stomach lurched in a way he recognised from when he’d been human. He was actually scared. It had been a long time since anything had had the power to frighten him, but the thought of Jessie alone with that demon was sending adrenaline spurts through his system and making his own demon writhe inside him. He closed his eyes for a second, feeling the thrashing monster that lay within him as though for the first time. The trade off. The thing that gave him long life and the strength to hunt, the thing that fed off the blood and the power and the thrills. The thing that made him what he was. His mind choked on the thought. Jonathan died in the alley with a vampire’s bite in his throat and a vampire’s seed in his blood. Sil walked away. And now I co-exist with a creature that has the power to kill me simply by leaving, a creature I sustain by allowing it to feed on any emotion which connects me to humanity.

He drew his fingers down the rough plaster inside the wall, digging his nails through the surface, trying to reach a sensation that would bring his mind back to where it should be. But all he could think of was her expression when she’d known she had to fight Malfaire alone. Her golden eyes holding all that fear and all that terrible knowledge as she’d tried to send him away. His demon pinched at his lungs. I can’t let her face it alone. It’s going to hurt her, it’s going to make her feel a little less human. She shouldn’t be alone.

Malfaire had moved into one of the State receiving rooms. An enormous desk, which must have been built in situ, took up the centre of the room. The remainder of the furniture, a green velvet chaise-longue, some over-polished mahogany woodwork and some truly horrible paintings, were all racked along the walls, leaving the desk looking like an island in an over-fished sea.

‘Ah. There you are. Thought I was going to have to come looking.’ Malfaire was reclining on the velvet day-bed effort, like Byron on his day off.

‘Liam found us this.’ I waved the bottle, and the two glasses. ‘So we can drink to our success in style.’

Malfaire took the bottle and scrutinised the label. ‘Not bad. Chateau Latour Pauillac. 1990, too. I almost revise my opinion of vampires.’

‘He’s opened it for us, but I’m not sure it’s had time to breathe.’ I put the glasses on a side table, hoping he wasn’t going to come over all posh wine critic and insist on giving it time to reach optimal drinking temperature. I wasn’t sure I could keep polite conversation going for much longer. ‘Shall I pour some?’

The demon yawned. ‘Why not? It may relax you sufficiently to begin discussions of our future together. I am considering giving you the North to rule.’

‘Lovely!’ I said brightly, wondering why Malfaire merited London and the ports, while I got the chilly half and the pigeon racing. Still, at least the M25 would be his problem. I wondered if that would hold up his plans for world-domination. I poured two glasses of the black-red wine. It was thick, almost gloopy, and smelled of blackberries with a metallic edge.

He raised his glass to me. ‘Let this be the first of many.’

I clinked my glass against his and took a small swallow. It tasted foul, but then I’ve never had much of a palate for wine. Give me a bottle of lager and a packet of cheese-and-onion crisps and I’m happy; the expensive stuff always reminds me of paint-thinner.

Malfaire, however, seemed to appreciate it. He sniffed his glass, took a sip and followed this with a larger gulp. ‘Hmm. A little tinny. Odd sort of aftertaste … seems to me that this has been massively over-rated.’ He did the whole slooshing about in the mouth thing beloved of professional wine-tasters. ‘But drinkable. Very drinkable.’ At last he swallowed. ‘Now. What do you think of my proposal?’

I refilled his glass. ‘Have some more.’

‘Jessica, are you trying to get me drunk? I’m a demon. It won’t work.’

‘Then there’s no problem. Drink up.’ I pressed the glass into his hand. ‘Can we negotiate for Birmingham, or do we have to draw lots or something?’

Malfaire gulped the whole glass down in one, clearly pleased that I was going along with his plan. ‘I will take the Midlands. Sheffield, however, is all yours.’

‘That’s … very nice. Trams. Meadowhall. All the … shopping I can take. Wow, you must be thirsty. Another?’ Without waiting for an answer I refilled.

‘There will be no need for shopping.’ Malfaire drained the glass in another single swig; he’d clearly stopped worrying about the bouquet and the after-taste. The wine, and its addition, must be cutting in already. ‘That is why we have the humans. They may be a nuisance, but we need to retain some to feed the vampires that we choose to keep alive.’ He smiled. ‘I am thinking we may spend the weekends hunting them for sport.’

‘Well, I’ve never liked football much.’

‘I thought of starting with your pet. He looks as though he could run quite quickly, doesn’t he? Particularly with … what, Shadows after him? Or wights? Which would you prefer to see tear him apart, Jessica?’

‘No!’ I wasn’t fast enough to keep my mouth shut and a sudden flare of magic sparked between us, sending a flash of pain all the way up to my shoulder. ‘Ow!’

‘I apologise. Automatic response.’ Malfaire smiled that cat-like smile again. ‘Purely defensive, you understand, nothing personal.’

So he doesn’t really trust me, I thought. He’s not completely stupid. I tried to move smoothly, unthreateningly and not say anything inflammatory. ‘No, I should apologise. I’m still getting my head around …’ I waved an arm. ‘It’s taking some getting used to.’ My heart raced as he slumped back against the velvet of the chaise. His expression had changed to surprise, tinged with a vacant kind of bliss and I felt a momentary relaxation of the muscles between my shoulder blades. This just might work. But it means …

Malfaire breathed heavily. ‘What is this? It’s like my whole skin is alive … dancing.’ Another deep breath. ‘I’ve never felt anything like it.’

‘You obviously don’t go to the right parties.’

I waited until his eyes rolled closed, then moved towards the door. ‘Where are you going?’ Malfaire’s voice was slurred as though his tongue was numb. ‘Jessica?’

Keep him calm. Don’t risk him firing off more spells; someone could get hurt. ‘Yeah, I’m here. Just getting myself another glass of wine.’

I tiptoed over the carpet to the door. I’d been expecting Liam, but it was Sil crouched behind it holding my gun.

‘What are you …?’ I began, but he raised a finger to his lips.

‘Hush.’ He pushed the tranq gun into my hand. ‘I don’t want you to be alone, Jessie.’

‘Do you mean now, or generally?’ I whispered.

‘Still not the right time for this conversation,’ he hissed back.

‘Jessica? Jessica, where are you?’ Malfaire’s voice floated from the chaise. ‘I feel fantastic.’

‘I’m here.’ I motioned to Sil to follow me but he stayed where he was, eyes fixed on my braless chest and I had to poke him quite vigorously before he’d shift.

Malfaire’s eyes were black. No trace of the gold now; just two huge pupils trying to focus. ‘I’m flying.’

‘Damn straight.’ I approached his slumped form and hefted the tranq gun. Felt its familiar weight against my palm and looked down on the demon. He’d begun to laugh, bonelessly sprawled across the velvet, unsuspecting. This wasn’t right. I didn’t have the power to take a life, not when he was so out of things, so unable to defend himself or even to know what was happening. I lowered the gun again. ‘I can’t do this.’

Malfaire was suddenly focusing. On me. On the gun. I heard Sil shout, ‘Jessie, look out!’ and then there was a confusion of movement and a sting of energy flipped the gun from my hand to slither underneath the chaise; suddenly I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, wrapped in those coils of magic and held rigid.

‘I’m impressed, I really am.’ Malfaire’s voice was dreamy, the blood that we’d mixed into the wine was still pounding through his system; the lack of coordination it produced was probably the only reason that I wasn’t already dead. ‘But you do realise, don’t you –’ my body rotated until my head pointed downwards and I started to feel sick – ‘that getting you on my side for the war was purely out of the goodness of my heart. I was always going to end you, Jessica, whether you were with me or not.’ A vomit-inducing movement wafted me into the air above him and he raised his head to smile an unfocused smile into my face. ‘And the killing part is always so much fun. It’s a shame you can’t ask your mother about it.’

Sil shouted, some wordless sound, and charged, getting halfway across the room before the magic caught him in its coils and flung him through the doorway. I heard the crack as he hit the door frame on his way, a rising shriek which ended suddenly in a loud bump, and then the regular thumping and scuffing sound of a body sliding along the tiled hallway, hitting panelling and furniture all the way to the front door.

‘Sil!’ I moved and the magic surrounding me turned to jelly then to air and I was down on the floor beside the chaise, hand closed around the gun. I felt shakily cold and my fingers were numb but the tranq gun sat easily in my hand, slightly warm.

I brought it up suddenly, slid it over the edge of the chaise, along Malfaire’s side to rest against the bottom of his rib cage. ‘Sil,’ was all I could say. Then I bit my lip, hard, and pulled the trigger.

There was a moment of confusion. Malfaire gave a gasp. I stood up to make sure my shot had hit home and he grabbed me, pressed me against his chest. He was smiling. Then I saw his eyes clear, the effects of my blood falling from him. ‘What’s happening?’

‘It’s called dying.’ I wrenched myself from his grasp and knelt beside him. ‘And I’m sorry. Really I am. But you shouldn’t have killed my mother and hurt Sil.’

‘I am immortal!’ It was a choked shout, one with more hope than expectation behind it. ‘This cannot …’

A sudden backwash of loathing scalded through my veins. ‘Yes, it can.’ I held up the gun. ‘You can only be killed by your own flesh and blood. Remember?’ Thanks to Liam, thanks to his organisation, his compulsion to keep, to file, we’d kept the rest of my blood sample that I’d taken for the testing unit and Zan had mixed it in with the wine. The tissue sample from Malfaire, the sample I’d stolen in the Hagg Baba for testing, Liam had loaded into an empty tranq cartridge. And I’d fired it. Without the needle, it had scythed through his flesh into his body and passed right through whatever organ he had that stood in place of a heart. ‘Your own flesh and blood, armed with your own flesh and blood. That’s what it takes,’ I leaned down and hissed into his ear, ‘for future reference.’

Then my knees gave way and I collapsed backwards, off the chaise and on to the carpet, as Malfaire writhed once more and lay still. The room became silent; an odd, cold silence that crept under my skin and into my veins with the chill.

‘I killed him. I killed him.’ The words were sobbed out with my breath. ‘I killed him.’

Sudden arms around my shoulders. I shrugged them off but they came back. ‘Jessica.’

‘I killed him.’ I looked up. Zan was standing, staring at the body with an expression of hunger. Liam was beside me, drawing me into his chest. ‘I killed him.’

Liam looked into my face. It clearly took some effort and I wished I’d had time to find my bra. ‘Oh, Jessie. You did it.’

‘Sil. We must go to Sil. Malfaire threw him …’ I couldn’t even finish the sentence.

‘We saw.’ Liam stood up, pulling me from the blood-soaked carpet with him despite the weakness in my legs.

‘Is he all right?’ I was shivering now, uncontrollably, leaning against him simply to stop myself going down again. ‘Is he?’

‘He’ll be fine. He’s lying there groaning, but he looks way too good to be dying, if you ask me.’

I tore from the room, my feet leaving bloody prints and sticking slightly to the carpet as I went. ‘Sil!’ Down the hallway, half-noticing the broken newel-post, the shards of wood, the random splinters of plastic and the shine of electrical components from the smashed telephone. ‘Oh God, Sil.’

He lay against the front door, his body coiled around itself and his eyes a complicated colour. ‘Hey, Jessie.’ He managed a grin. ‘You got him then.’

‘Don’t you dare die, you bastard.’

‘I don’t intend to.’ A wince and a grimace. ‘But I’ve damaged a leg, I think.’

‘I thought he’d killed you. I couldn’t have pulled the trigger otherwise.’

Sil smiled. ‘So my plan worked?’

‘That was not a plan! That was the opposite of a plan, the antithesis of planning. That was dashing in and ruining what would have been a perfectly good plan if you hadn’t spoiled it all by trying to be a hero!’

‘So, you did have a plan, did you?’

The adrenaline was beginning to slide out of my body, leaving me cold. I watched his demon take the last draught of my elation and panic, moving behind his eyes like an unwanted thought. ‘No. No plan. Just terror.’

Sil stretched out a hand, palm up and I stared at it for a moment. I couldn’t tell if he meant it as a gesture of surrender or to ward me off until he spoke. ‘Help me up, will you? I’m healing but I’m not that fast.’ I reached out and pulled and he slid easily against me. ‘I promised your mother I’d keep you safe,’ he said quietly. ‘Didn’t do much of a job, did I?’

I gave a half-sob but muffled it. ‘I’m fine. Well, feeling a bit sordid, but it could have been worse.’

Oh-so-gently he touched my face. ‘You aren’t a monster, Jessie. You did what you had to do for all of us.’ Those grey-green eyes looked down through mine, into my heart. ‘He would have mustered an army of the Dark against the Treaty, killed everyone who stood against him. Hell, you’ve probably saved the world.’

‘Well, I suppose that’s something.’ I wiped the back of my hand across my eyes. ‘So why do I feel like I’ve lost everything, Jonathan?’ I whispered.

Sil flicked his eyes along the corridor. Zan and Liam were hanging around trying not to look as if they were listening. ‘Give us a second, guys.’

‘Jessie?’ Liam half-called. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes.’ I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Sil. ‘We need to put an insurance claim in to the council, you could write it up. Do a spreadsheet; you know it always calms you down, writing a spreadsheet.’

He laughed. ‘Okay. As long as you’re all right with Mister Bitey.’

I felt Sil’s demon move, reacting to my proximity. ‘Yeah, I’ll be fine.’ My voice shook a bit but sounded strong. I was proud of myself. As Sil said, I’d probably saved the world and that was pretty good going for someone who wasn’t sure what HTML was.

Sil’s demon was still moving. I could sense its presence behind his eyes; they changed as I watched, blue-green to grey and then on to an iron-grey like a night sky. ‘Oh,’ he said and touched his chest as though it hurt. ‘Oh. God.’

‘What? Are you all right? Have you broken a rib or something? Do vampires have ribs? Oh, duh, Jessie, of course they do, otherwise their insides would be their outsides.’ I knew I was rambling but I was afraid. There was something terribly intense about Sil’s expression.

‘No. Just … a touch too much for even my demon to manage.’

‘Too much what?’

His hands laced behind me. ‘Too much emotion. For a second there … I almost felt human again’

‘And that’s a bad thing?’ The old-chocolate-box smell of him was almost neutralising the smell of blood, the cool stillness of his body steadying my own shaking one.

‘No. Yes. I don’t … It makes me feel things, Jessica. The pain, the guilt, the remorse … I don’t think I can live with those, not even to feel the … to feel anything else.’

‘You won’t love me because it means facing up to what you are?’ Anger made me bite my lip and I watched as his flickering eyes beamed in on the sudden bloom of blood. ‘I’m sorry, Sil, you were right before. You are a coward.’

‘I lost my family, Jessica.’ His voice wavered a touch. ‘I had to hide at my own children’s funeral because of what I am. I watched my wife remarry. A man she loved until the day she died – a man who made her forget me …’ I felt his ribs move as he buried a sob beneath an attempt at a cool tone. ‘I have a right not to want to feel.’

‘I’ve lost my family too, now.’ I felt a brief hotness on my cheek, which turned out to be a tear. ‘And loving you is all I’ve got left.’ I gave in for just one, quick, Germaine-Greer-bothering second and rested my face against his chest, felt his demon squirm. ‘And you do feel, you told me so yourself. You just deny it. Feed it to your demon. Like … like Rachel sometimes buys bacon and then feeds it to Jasper. Sometimes she actually makes herself a sandwich and she thinks I don’t know, and if you tell her that then I’ll stake you myself, but …’

‘So you think you could be my bacon sandwich?’ There was another tremble in his voice now, but it sounded different. ‘My one weakness?’

I took half-a-step backwards but kept my arms around him. ‘Everyone should let themselves have one thing that makes all the rest of the denial worthwhile. I loved you for four years, wouldn’t even so much as date anyone; Cameron was as much my cover as I was his, because I wanted you so much that no-one else was ever going to come close. Believe me, I know about denial.’ I lowered my voice, aware that Liam might well be hovering. ‘But it was worthwhile, for that night in the drain. If there’s never any more than that, it was worthwhile.’

‘And you can love me, knowing what I’ve done?’ There was a note of wonder in his voice. ‘Knowing how I have been? What I have been?’

‘Hey, no-one’s perfect. I broke the tracker programme. We’ve all got our nasty little secrets – my parentage is probably going to turn out to be the least of mine – but, yes. I love you whatever. Because that’s what love is, Jonathan, it’s knowing and still caring.’

His demon moved. ‘And it’s learning to live with the guilt.’ He stroked my hair, long fingers twisting through, pulling my head up so I had to meet his eyes, still shifting colour. ‘There will still be the blood. And the clubs. But I can dance and drink synth, it doesn’t have to be, well, what it was. I think I can do this, Jessica. If you feel that you can take that chance.’ With the inevitability of winter, he touched my lips with his. ‘You give me peace. And in return you’ll get my love. If you want it.’ A momentary uncertainty. ‘Do you?’

His demon felt my surge of pure joy and beat ecstatically in time to his pulse. ‘Well, I’ve got around a hundred years to come to terms with it,’ I said, reaching up to pull his mouth down to mine again.

The love for her was unleashed inside him, sending his demon into the kind of frenzied bliss that would have taken several blood-donors and a night of hyperactive sex before. Jessie. Who would have thought it? All it needed was for me to find what I’d lost, and here it was all the time. Right in front of me. I didn’t know it for what it was, even when I was willing to die for her, even when I told her mother I would keep her safe … this slender girl with the quite incredibly untidy hair was all I needed to make me feel human again. Joseph and Constance … it won’t go away, the pain of losing you, but the more I remember you, the less it hurts. And now I have Jessica I can think of you as you were; I can remember the times before. Remember throwing you in the air and hearing you laugh as I caught you, and building endless castles in the shrubbery for you to hide in. And Christie … you’d have liked Jessica, Christie. You and she are very alike. I can imagine you both now, sitting around the parlour table, sipping tea and listing my more peculiar habits, laughing together over my failings. And the guilt … the guilt for all those times before the Treaty, all those things I did not to survive, but for pleasure? That can remain, to remind me of how it was. Of what I was. Like those photographs of a past life, a warning …

For now the love is all. And it will save me.