Your day starts innocently enough. The kids will be in school, your spouse will be at work, and since you worked extra this weekend, you actually have the day free. It feels like a gift because it happens so rarely. You can run errands, catch up on a few phone calls, and tackle that project you haven’t had time for. You might even get a chance to read or to relax on the patio.
High expectations. High anticipation. Low stress. It’s going to be a good day.
Then it happens . . .
People are driving me crazy!
We all have crazy people in our lives. If we’re not in the middle of some dramatic situation, we probably just came out of one—or are about to go into one. It seems like there’s always something going on that causes stress. In those rare stress-free moments, we start worrying about what’s going to happen next.
Where there are crazy people, there is drama. No matter how hard we try to eliminate that drama, it keeps coming back—as long as those people are in our lives. Some people bring the drama innocently, while others seem to have a personal mission of demolishing our sanity.
We all have an emotional set point where we’re most comfortable. It’s that position where things are going well, we feel good, and no one is messing up our lives. When they do, we subconsciously take control of whatever we can to get things back to normal. We try to fix the problem, change the person, or alter the situation.
If it works, we go back to our set point and are comfortable again. If it doesn’t work, we feel agitated, worried, and stressed. We’re out of our comfort zone, and all we can think about is getting back where we belong.
That’s drama. It’s anything that makes us feel unsettled. And it always has something to do with people—people who drive us crazy. Crazy people and drama go hand in hand.
We assume that life would be better without all the drama. But when you talk to people about the life you’ve lived, what stories do you tell? It’s all about the drama, not the routine. We describe a person’s life as “colorful” when they’ve lived through harrowing escapades. We talk about the thrilling adventures we had on vacation, not the daily routine of reading through the morning paper. Reality shows are edited to feature the moments of drama, not the hours of boredom.
A retired police officer I know described his career as “years of fairly routine activity punctuated by a few moments of sheer terror.” Somehow, drama adds richness to our lives when we look back on it. It’s the pain in the present we try to avoid—the pain that often comes from relationships.
Drama can take different forms and have different results in our lives. Having your schnauzer throw up on the carpet just as guests arrive causes drama, but not as much as having your kitchen on fire. Your spouse meant well when he accidently put your favorite wool sweater in the dryer, but the fact that it now fits your canary causes another kind of stress—balancing your feelings about his good intentions with the unfortunate results of his choices.
In both cases, drama results from what others say or do.
What Craziness Looks Like
Crazy people bring drama into our lives, but not all dramatic events affect everyone in the same way. For our purposes, we’re looking at drama that involves some of these characteristics:
First, it involves our emotions. It doesn’t matter what the event was or what a person said or did. The thing that makes it dramatic is how we feel about it. That’s why two people can be stuck in the same traffic jam and be late for the same appointment, but one person is upset while the other one isn’t. The event isn’t really the problem; it’s our response to the event.
Second, it usually involves people. When others don’t meet our expectations, we experience drama. They cut us off in traffic, show up late, or respond to us with sarcasm. If a specific situation bothers us, it probably has something to do with people. On a blistering hot day, we blame the utility executives for charging such high rates for electricity to run the air conditioning, and then we blame our boss for not giving us the raise so we can adjust our thermostats.
Third, it’s often unexpected. We’re caught off guard because we didn’t see the event coming. We don’t plan for serious illness, the loss of a job, or the midnight phone call from the police about our teenager.
Fourth, it’s personal. A lot of crazy things happen in the world, but not all of them impact us. We’re talking here about the ones that directly take us out of our comfort zone. It’s one thing to hear about a company president arrested for embezzling retirement funds; it’s another when you work for that company and those are your retirement funds.
Fifth, it’s often exaggerated. This isn’t always true, but we often blow up a situation in our minds beyond the reality of the event. When your daughter isn’t home ten minutes after her curfew, you’re a little irritated. A half hour later, you’re angry. An hour later, you panic. An hour after that, you’re terrified and calling the police. When she finally walks in the door, you’re wavering between relief and homicide.
It’s a Control Issue
Our discomfort with a situation varies depending on how much control we have. If we can do something about it, we tend to be OK. The car gets a flat tire; we get it fixed. The toilet overflows; we call a plumber and clean up the mess. We speak harshly to our kids when we’re tired; we apologize.
It’s those situations that we can’t fix or those people we can’t change that make us the most uncomfortable. When the doctor uses the word “incurable” and “cancer” in the same sentence, drama takes on a whole different meaning. When a good friend turns on us and betrays our confidence, we have no guarantee that our response will “make it all better.” When a boss is simply unreasonable and won’t listen to logic, we might not be able to change him.
What about those situations? How can we get rid of that drama?
It’s like a dance between two people. We try to stay in step, but we aren’t sure exactly what the other person is going to do. When they make a move we’re not expecting, we scramble to respond in a way that keeps both people on their feet. They respond to our response, and the dance continues back and forth as each person tries to negotiate the differences.
The Most Common Concern
A woman observed a man in a grocery store with a screaming, wiggling toddler in the seat of the shopping cart. The boy was totally out of control, trying to grab things off the shelf and yelling constantly. As the man moved up and down the aisles, he calmly repeated, “Billy, it’s OK. You can do this. You can handle this. You don’t have to get upset. Stay calm, Billy—it’s OK.”
The woman was so impressed by his demeanor that she felt she had to compliment him on his control. “I’m sorry to intrude—but I just wanted to tell you how impressed I am at the way you’ve been talking to little Billy.”
The man responded, “Oh, my son’s name is Jeremy. I’m Billy.”
I teach seminars for a living. Several times a week I’m in a corporate or hotel conference room helping people discover ways to manage their time and life. We talk about discovering what really matters most and basing our daily choices on those values. Participants think through practical ways to arrange their personal and professional lives to accomplish the things that move them toward that goal.
At the end of the day, I’m approached by participants with questions about applying the concepts to their unique situations. The question I hear most frequently is reflected in Madelyn’s concern:
I really love this, and I’m excited about putting it into practice. But I work for a boss who just doesn’t get it. I can try this, but she just wouldn’t go for it. She’s demanding and unreasonable, and she just doesn’t get it. This all sounds good, but I’m stuck in a no-win situation. I don’t feel like I have any options.
Sound familiar? You could replace “boss” with “spouse,” “friend,” “in-laws,” “parent,” or just about any other crazy person in your life who brings you drama. The bottom line is that no matter what you do, there is someone else keeping it from working.
My response to that common concern provides the structure for this book. I generally suggest a three-step process:
That third option isn’t always appropriate. I’m not suggesting that people simply end a long-standing relationship with a family member because they’re tired of the drama. Many people jump too quickly to this option before working hard on the relationship.
Here’s an example:
Let’s say that my house is the traditional family gathering place for Thanksgiving dinner each year. It’s the biggest house and is centrally located. I love these people, but I’m a basket case by the time it’s over.
Uncle Joe doesn’t like turkey, so I always have to include ham as well. No one offers to bring anything, which means I pay for it all. Tina says she can’t come but shows up anyway with two rather unusual friends. It takes days to clean the house and get everything ready, and everyone disappears to the football game when it’s time to clean up. Instead of gratefulness, the only comments are about the dressing having too many raisins.
Here’s how I might approach the three options:
1. Can I change the situation? If I’m committed to having Thanksgiving at my house, I can try to come up with alternatives:
2. If people won’t go along with my suggestions, I can work on having a good attitude where I accept the realities of people’s behavior.
3. If I get to a point where the stress of the situation is affecting my health and my sanity, I can change the environment:
It’s a practical application of the Serenity Prayer: “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Where We’re Headed
In the first section of this book, we’ll explore the possibilities for influencing a situation with the crazy people in our lives. There are no guarantees, but many of the approaches people use are ineffective. We need a new set of keys to unlock those relationships.
“But what if the keys don’t work and the locks are broken beyond repair? And what if we’re in a situation where we can’t simply walk away?”
In the second section we’ll look at the characteristics and attitudes we can build into our lives that tend to influence others the most. It’s not about things we do as much as who we become. We’ll focus on the seven most effective “keys” to handling crazy people—personal qualities and responses that keep us from becoming victims of other people’s weaknesses.
The final section deals with the practical realities of relationships: when it’s appropriate to leave, and suggestions for connecting with others in a healthy way.
So, Is “Drama-Free” Possible?
Martin Luther supposedly said, “You might not be able to stop the birds from landing on your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair.” We can’t stop various events from happening, and we can’t choose what other people do or say. Crazy people will always be present in our lives.
“Drama-free” doesn’t mean getting rid of the drama or the people who create it. It means being free from its debilitating effects in our lives. This book is about getting free—not letting our lives and attitudes be controlled by the choices of others.
Fruit and Faith
Becoming free from the craziness of others isn’t an act or a role-play. We don’t have to pretend to be something we’re not or to feel things we don’t feel. It’s about actually becoming different on the inside.
If we want peaches on a peach tree, we don’t glue peaches onto the tree. We make the tree healthy and it produces peaches naturally. In the same way, we don’t have to try to act nicer or more patient in our drama-filled relationships. We need to become nicer or more patient on the inside. It takes too much energy to fake it.
When we’ve been driven by drama and affected by others for years, it might seem hopeless. But this isn’t just a set of self-help techniques. It’s all about genuine change, where we actually become the type of people who have the inner strength to handle the craziness that others bring into our lives.
We can’t overlook the impact of faith on our lives, either. I’ve found that my resources for solving relationship problems are limited, but trusting God to build character in my life is the greatest source of strength. My relationship with him prepares me to have better relationships with others.
A Bold Promise
Here’s my promise to you. If you read through this book, are open to challenging your perspective, and commit to the journey of personal growth, you’ll learn to be free from the tyranny of other people’s choices and behaviors. It doesn’t mean there won’t be pain in those relationships, but you’ll have the resources to deal with those situations without simply ignoring them or glossing over the injury. You’ll build stronger relationships, find more joy in every area of your life, and not be a victim of the weaknesses of others. You’ll be responsive instead of reactive. It will impact both your physical and mental health.
You’ll be free.