You probably know people like this:
You can count on it. No matter what you say, you know how they’ll respond. Some people look at life through a negative lens, which means they see the bad side of any situation. It’s become a habit for them, and they don’t even realize it.
That’s a dangerous place to be. People who always look for the negative are targets of crazy people. They’re more victimized because they’re always looking for the worst in themselves and others. If you ask about the crazy people in their life, you might as well brew a big pot of coffee and pull up a chair for their response. It will take awhile.
Life offers a lot of upsetting situations. But two people can be in the same situation and have totally different responses. Reactive people always focus on the things that are going wrong. Responsive people recognize the power of their choices; they learn to take life lightly and realistically.
That’s called joy.
What Joy Is—and What It Isn’t
Psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar said, “There are two kinds of people in life who don’t experience painful emotions such as disappointment or envy or sadness or anxiety: psychopaths and the dead.”[7] Since you’re reading this book, you’re probably not in either category. We want a happy life; but if we assume that means having uninterrupted positive emotions, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment.
Every situation has two sides: negative and positive.
A healthy person’s life is characterized by joy. That might seem unrealistic, considering the people who are in our lives. But joy comes from inside us, not from outside. Joy is something that comes into our lives when we replace our negative lens with a bigger perspective of truth. That doesn’t mean everything will suddenly be perfect; it just means we’ll see people and situations as they really are.
When our kids were little, we often played a game around the dinner table we called “Bright Side.” Anytime someone shared something painful that happened during their day, they would also have to share something positive that happened. They might be in a bad mood and not feel like going there, but the exercise almost always lifted their spirits before we were done. It was a reminder that life is not entirely made up of bad experiences and people; it also includes good ones. It’s important to see both sides. The truth is not that the glass is half-full or half-empty; it’s that the glass has water in it. Some of it is gone and some of it is left. That’s seeing things realistically.
Rainbows in Your Mud Puddles
Years ago, when video cameras first became popular for home use, a friend purchased one. She used it constantly. When her kids had birthday parties, she recorded every minute. She followed the kids around, trying to capture each moment for the future.
But it always seemed like she was so busy recording the moments that she became an observer instead of a participant. She missed the moments. Later, she could review the tape and see her children playing, but she would never see herself playing with them.
Joyful people are participants. They don’t miss the moments. They turn moments into memories.
My tendency in most situations is to be thinking about what I’m going to do or say next instead of enjoying the moment. However, I’ve been learning to build memories by being fully engaged in what I’m doing. It’s not natural, but it’s entirely possible. The more engaged I am in what’s happening around me, whether positive or negative, the greater the memories are in the future.
It takes practice. As I approach each conversation, I have to remind myself to be completely focused on that person and block the random thoughts that distract me. By doing so, each event I’m part of becomes much richer and builds richer memories.
Negative people see their lives as a series of crises, interrupted occasionally by joyful moments. What if we reversed it, seeing life as positive but interrupted by occasional speed bumps? Both the positive and negative moments are real; it’s simply a matter of where we put our focus.
On a clear night we look up and see a full moon and a sky filled with stars. The beauty of that scene can take our breath away. The darkness is real and might take up the majority of the sky. But when we look at the stars or the moon, we don’t notice the darkness; it only provides contrast so we can focus on the brilliance of the night sky.
That’s the way we can look at life. The dark is there, but it doesn’t have to be our primary focus. We can consciously focus on the light, letting the darkness provide the contrast to bring richness to each moment.
It’s a realistic approach to life based on truth.
Choosing Our Focus
Having a “light” approach to life is a conscious choice. Other people and circumstances try to drag us down. We have to choose to see life differently. It’s not a choice based on positive self-talk or affirmations; it’s a choice based on reality.
Emotional control is determined by where we put our focus. We can choose to focus on one of three things:
Crazy People
Crazy people can ruin our lives if we put our focus on them and their behavior. Yes, they are still going to be in our lives, and they’ll probably continue trying to push our buttons. But if we put too much energy and focus on them, they’ll be in control of our emotions. We’ll become dominated by their choices and behaviors.
Ourselves
This is a better choice of where to direct our energy, because we take personal responsibility for what happens to us instead of letting other people control our emotions. The downside is that when we’re feeling victimized, focusing on ourselves can mean that we’re focusing on what’s wrong instead of what’s right and possible. We’re looking at what’s dark rather than what’s bright.
Truth
Truth is like the US Constitution. When people want to know if something is right or wrong, they go to court. At the highest level, the Supreme Court holds each case up to the Constitution to determine if it’s “constitutional.” It shouldn’t matter whether the justices like the outcome or not. The Constitution isn’t evaluated by the case; the case is evaluated by the Constitution.
Focusing on what’s true in every relationship and every situation doesn’t mean life will be perfect. But when we see things accurately, we can choose accurate responses. The only way we know we’re making good choices is if they’re based on truth.
In our relationships, focusing on what is true and accurate can change the way we feel. How do we determine what is true? Consider these perspectives we can focus on:
Our actions come from our feelings, which come from our thoughts, which come from our inputs. If we make sure the inputs are accurate, we’ll think clearly. Clear thinking leads to control of our emotions, which results in appropriate choices.
The Problem with Mental Multitasking
In a fast-paced society, most people have learned to multitask as a way of getting more done. On the surface, it seems beneficial, because we seem to be accomplishing two things at once. It’s common to see someone checking email while on the phone, making a grocery list while coordinating schedules with the kids, or texting while driving. But often we miss some critical detail from a phone call and have to call back, or we leave something off the grocery list and have to make a return trip to the store.
Studies have shown that our minds can only do one thing at a time. When we’re multitasking, our mind is actually switching back and forth rapidly between the two activities, slowing down the entire process. Multitasking actually takes more time and mental energy and causes a higher level of stress than if we had a single focus for each activity.
Our minds will always be focused on something. When we’ve gotten used to focusing on what our crazy person does, we can’t just stop thinking about it. Negative thoughts seem to follow the course of least resistance. When our minds go into neutral, they automatically tend to flow toward our normal thinking patterns, whether negative or positive. If we try to stop thinking about something, it creates a vacuum—and our minds go right back to what we were just thinking about. It seems like there’s no escape.
But that brain function is also the solution. We can’t simply try to stop thinking about the negative people and situations in our lives. We have to replace those thoughts, consciously choosing other things to fill our minds with. At first the negative thoughts will try to sneak back in because they’ve been there for so long. But when that happens, it can become the trigger to again fill our minds with truth.
Trying to think of new responses when we’re in the middle of the emotion is like signing up for swimming lessons when the boat is sinking. It’s something we need to think through before the emotion hits us.
Step 1: Write down all the negative thoughts that go through our minds regarding that person or situation.
Step 2: Determine what’s true about each of those items, and put them in writing.
Step 3: When we find ourselves stuck in negative thought patterns, it becomes a trigger to review the things we know to be true, what we can control, and what we can’t control.
As soon as we realize where our thoughts have taken us, we can stop and say, “Wait a minute. I’m letting that person control my emotions. Let me review what I know to be true: I’m a good person; my value doesn’t come from what they think; I have people who care deeply about me; I can choose how I respond; I have talents and skills . . .”
Step 4: Upon waking each morning, we can train ourselves to think of five things we’re grateful for before getting out of bed to set the right tone for the day. At night, we can repeat the process right before going to sleep.
Bottom line: It’s possible to learn to think differently, replacing negative thought patterns with positive ones. When we do that, we have a realistic chance of developing a new lens through which we see life: a lens of joy.
Points for Perspective
Tony Snow, former press secretary for President George W. Bush, died of cancer at the age of fifty-three. He wrote, “We all want lives of simple, predictable ease—smooth, even trails as far as the eye can see. But God likes to go off-road.”[8]
We like to go off-roading when it’s fun and safe, but not when it becomes painful or dangerous. So, how can we live with joy?
By choosing where we put our focus.
We don’t want our lives to be defined by the craziness of others, letting them hold our emotions hostage. Even if we’ve felt victimized by our upbringing, our circumstances, life events, or crazy people, we can choose where to put our focus.
We can choose joy.