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 Key #3—Don’t Sweat the Wrong Stuff

Richard Carlson wrote a bestselling book a number of years ago titled Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. The concept was simple: put your energy into the big things that really matter rather than the things that don’t. It’s a great concept and helped people sort through the urgent things in life that weren’t so important.[9]

If I were rewriting the book, I would call it Don’t Sweat the Wrong Stuff. It’s a slight adjustment to the concept, because I’ve found that sometimes the small stuff is important, while less valuable things often take huge amounts of time and energy.

There have been times when I’ve been on a long walk or run and gotten a tiny pebble in my shoe. Sometimes it’s barely the size of a large grain of sand, so I try to ignore it. In the big picture of things, it’s not that important and I won’t die from it. But if don’t stop and take care of it, it’s all I can think about. If I wait too long, it begins to irritate my foot until it becomes painful.

If you’ve ever gotten a splinter or had a sliver of corn on the cob stuck between your teeth, you know how irritating it can be. Focusing on it is irresistible, and all we can think about is getting it out. As small as it is, it impacts our performance until it’s taken care of.

Small things can be important, and big things can be meaningless. People who have healthy relationships are more concerned with value than size. They’ve learned to discern which things are worth fighting for and which things to ignore. They’ve learned to pick their battles.

Fighting the Right Battles

A lot of people get upset at everything that happens around them. They’re on a lifelong quest to see the negative in everything, and they appoint themselves the caretaker of everyone else’s behavior. That perspective keeps them steeped in drama.

We observe those people, see their pain, and decide what they should do. After all, we know what solutions have worked for us; we assume those solutions will work for them as well. If they do what we did, they’ll feel better.

But fixing others isn’t our responsibility. We’re choosing the wrong stuff when we try. We’re only responsible for our own choices and actions. In relationships, the “wrong stuff” is anything that is the responsibility of another person.

When my wife and I bought our first house back in the 1980s, we had a neighbor who didn’t take the greatest care of his lawn. He would mow it but never edge it. So it always looked scraggly and unkempt creeping over the sidewalk. We never talked about it, but I always thought it needed to be done.

One morning, as I was mowing and edging my lawn, I took the edger over to his lawn and trimmed against his sidewalk. It only took about ninety seconds, and looked great after I swept up the debris. I really thought I was helping him, and I expected him to be excited. But he never mentioned it. That surprised me because I had hoped he would be grateful. Looking back, I realize how it might have seemed like I was judging him by doing that. It really wasn’t my responsibility, but I had taken it on myself and assumed what he wanted and needed.

That’s the wrong stuff—taking upon myself the responsibilities of others. If we’re going to have healthy relationships, we need to determine what we’re responsible for, what we’re not responsible for, and what’s important.

The more we focus on our own responsibilities instead of trying to fix everyone else, the more we’ll be in charge of our own emotions. Contentment in life doesn’t come from the absence of conflict; it comes from not giving away our emotional control to the demands of other people. We learn how to be independent in our choices instead of being dependent on what other people do or think.

Does that mean that crazy people will still cause us pain? Of course, because we’re human. It’s going to hurt if you hit me, and I may have pain and bruising for a long time. But if I focus my energy on anger and revenge, I’m choosing to let you control my emotions. It’s become all about you.

I watched a movie once where one man stabbed another, then ran away. The wound was serious but not life-threatening if the victim could receive medical attention. But that injured person was so angry with the attacker that he began chasing him. Block after block he ran, trying to catch up with the man and take revenge. Because of blood loss, he grew weaker and weaker until his run turned into a walk, then a crawl, and he finally died on the sidewalk.

That’s what happens when we keep our focus on the person who caused us the injury. Even though I feel angry, I need to step back and determine how I should respond. Should I go after you in anger and look for revenge, or should I seek medical attention? It’s like the safety announcements on airlines where we’re told to put on our own oxygen mask before helping our kids. It might sound cruel, but if we don’t take care of ourselves first, our children won’t get what they need to survive.

That’s the right stuff. When crazy people wound us, we need “medical attention.” We need to take care of ourselves first and make sure we’re thinking accurately and responding correctly. Only then are we able to determine the best way to respond to the person who hurt us.

We can’t fix everyone who causes us pain. If it’s an important relationship, we might be able to make restoration in the future. But many circumstances will involve setting up appropriate boundaries to keep from being a victim.

Tina loves her mother-in-law, but she drops in unexpectedly several times a week. Her husband, Richard, doesn’t like it either but feels guilty confronting his mother. If they ignore the situation, they allow themselves to be manipulated by her lack of sensitivity. Setting boundaries means that the two of them would talk through what their needs are as a couple, then determine what a healthy relationship with his mother would look like. They will need to have the tough conversation with her, expressing their care for her and their desire to see her while setting the parameters for their relationship. It might not be comfortable, but it sets boundaries to protect their relationship.

The Perspective of Contentment

No one wants to be a victim. We don’t want other people bringing chaos into our lives, because it pulls us away from our set point. When we get too far from that set point, everything inside us clamors to get back to that place of calm and comfort.

We might assume that contentment means smooth sailing in everything we do, that we’ll be at our set point and nobody will be messing up our lives. However, it’s unrealistic to think that we’ll be free from conflict in this life.

But it’s possible to have serenity even in the midst of conflict. The Bible has over 250 references suggesting that contentment can be a reality. It doesn’t eliminate pain, but it’s something we can experience no matter what happens around us.

Sound impossible? Especially when you’ve felt trapped by the drama that others have brought into your life for so long?

The more we pick the right battles and learn to focus on the right stuff instead of the wrong stuff, the better chance we have of staying closer to our set point. It doesn’t happen automatically. Learning where to put our focus is a process that takes action on our part.

New Thinking for a New Attitude

The key to being in control of our emotions is to work on our thinking patterns. Our thoughts determine our feelings. If we want different feelings, we need different thoughts. What should we think about?

  1. We can choose not to worry. When we worry, it paralyzes us from taking action. Focusing on what we know is true in a situation or relationship takes our mind off the situation and onto the solution.
  2. We can focus on things that are positive, seeing what’s right about a relationship instead of just what’s wrong.
  3. We can control our emotions toward the other person instead of letting them be the captain of our feelings.

Over time, optimism begins to replace concern. The right stuff replaces the wrong stuff.

Inputs Produce Outputs

There is a logical assumption that goes with this. By choosing good things to focus on, it implies that we’re supposed to consciously not focus on bad things. That’s tough to do when we’re surrounded by negative inputs in the media, in our relationships, and in the filters of other people. But our thoughts come from our inputs. That’s why we need to be aware of what we allow to come into our minds.

Several years ago, I became aware of my inputs and what they were producing in my life. I realized that my mental inputs come primarily from sight and sound. So I decided to keep track of both.

Most mornings, I would start the day by reading the newspaper. Once I was in my car, I would listen to the news or local radio hosts. As soon as I sat down at my computer I would check my email. By midmorning, I usually felt overwhelmed and agitated about my day. Throughout the day I would have a number of conversations, but I wasn’t very discerning about whether those people were positive or negative forces in my life. I listened to talk radio in the car on my way home and was too burned out to have meaningful conversation with my family. It felt like I was at the mercy of everyone else in my life.

So my day was filled with inputs about negative things that were happening around the world, opinions of angry people, electronic demands from dozens of people in my world, and conversations with people who had negative stories or gossip to share. I couldn’t find much that would be considered life-giving.

And I wondered why I always felt grumpy!

I made some simple changes in those inputs, and the results were dramatic:

It wasn’t long before I began to feel differently. I was operating on a new type of fuel and was able to perform at a much higher level. My improved inputs dramatically impacted my outputs.

Try this exercise: all day tomorrow, from the time you get up until the time you go to bed, observe the things that you allow into your mind. When you read the paper or watch the news, notice the balance between positive and negative inputs. Observe the people you spend time with during the day and analyze their conversations. Listen to your own perspective on the crazy people in your life.

At the end of the day, evaluate the inputs you had. How many of them would fit the category of being positive and encouraging, and how many forced you to focus on everything that’s wrong? Then think about the emotions you felt during the day. Were they positive or negative?

There is a direct correlation between the things we think about (our inputs) and the emotions we have (our outputs). Bad inputs, bad emotions. Good inputs, good emotions. Whenever we feel like crazy people are controlling our lives and we can’t seem to escape our feelings, we need to check our inputs.

Right-Side Up Thinking

I have a telescope on my patio. Usually I use it for studying the moon, planets, or stars, but sometimes I focus on the hills that are miles in the distance. Part of those hills is covered with housing developments, while the rest is simply scenic.

My telescope has two lenses. The first one gives me a pretty good view of things in the distance. I get an accurate picture and am able to distinguish individual houses, trees, and landmarks. If I look carefully, I can even see cars and trucks traveling on distant streets.

The second lens is much stronger than the first. With it, I can focus on the same scenery but see it in greater detail. By keeping the telescope steady, I can actually see blurry images of people walking down the street, even though they are miles away.

But there’s a problem with that second lens: it turns everything upside down. That’s not a problem when I’m looking at the sky. But when I’m looking at the landscape, I’m seeing everything from the wrong perspective.

The problem isn’t with the people I’m seeing; it’s with my lens. Our tendency is to look through our upside-down lenses and assume that what we see is reality. In my quest to see things in closer detail, I sacrifice the broader perspective that shows me what is real.

In relationships we think, “Those people are crazy—they’re upside-down.” It’s important to know that by ourselves we have only the upside-down lens, which distorts the reality of relationships. The other lens is the lens of truth. We might not see as much detail with it, but we will see the crazy people in our lives right-side up. Only through that truth lens will we see the bigger picture and have a credible claim to contentment in our lives.

How do we keep positive perspective in the tough situations?

Dr. Larry Poland of Mastermedia International, a nonprofit ministry to cultural influencers in Hollywood, often talks about how Christians try to repair the moral decay in the media by boycotting, writing letters, and protesting. Though well-intentioned, those techniques usually cause media leaders to see Christians as people who hate them and only care about having them clean up their act. Dr. Poland practices a different perspective on being “fishers of men.” He says, “It’s our job to catch them; it’s God’s job to clean them.”

Contentment comes when we know what things we’re responsible for and which ones we should let go. When we base our relationships on what is accurate and real, we can find light in the darkest night.

Mood Mastery

Try this exercise; all it takes is asking yourself two questions. One: What’s the situation? (Describe.) My boss is crazy. He never gives me any encouragement or catches me doing anything right, and is quick to point out my mistakes. I like the work I do, and I’m good at it. But I hate going to work because his attitude just ruins everything.

Two: What’s bugging me about it? List every aspect that concerns you in the appropriate column:


In other words:

What can I control? Me—my choices and attitudes

What can I not control? Everything else—including my boss.