Would you rather be kind or successful?
Kindness is seen as irrelevant, or it’s just something you do to gain an advantage over others.
People buy books about how to be healthy, wealthy, popular, and balanced. But few people are rushing out to buy books on how to be kind. In our competitive world, we seem to think kindness would keep us from achieving greatness. When we think of successful people, kindness isn’t the first word that comes to mind.
We might admit that kindness is a good virtue, and we appreciate those few people in our lives who are characterized by it. But deep inside, we might actually see it as a weakness rather than a strength.
I remember a sermon once where the pastor said, “No one wants to have ‘They were nice’ written on their tombstone.” The implication is that if someone was known for being nice, they didn’t accomplish anything in life.
In that context, being kind seems to be taking a step backward. It feels like weakness—like subduing the passion and quenching the fire that drives us. People assume that being kind means rolling over and always being nonconfrontational. Those with an outgoing temperament feel as if they have to give up their natural personality to become something they’re not. Those with quieter personalities often use kindness to justify not striving for more.
Kindness is universally understood to be a virtue. But in a success-driven culture, few people go out of their way to make it part of their life. They see it as optional, like seat warmers in a new car: nice, but not essential.
But the reason isn’t because kindness is old-fashioned; it’s misunderstood. Kindness is not just gentleness or niceness; it’s a key element in a successful life. Kindness is a vital part of strength.
The Strength of Kindness
Kindness and strength are not mutually exclusive. Strength without kindness is abusive. Kindness without strength is impotent. Only when both are used together will we make a true impact on the lives of others.
When dealing with the crazy people in our lives, we fear that any display of kindness will be seen as a weak spot that invites attack. But only strong people can be truly kind. Kindness becomes one of the characteristics that enable us to deal effectively with others.
My granddaughters, ages four and six, often surprise me with their kindness for each other. They still fight like most kids, but they seem to have a “sixth sense” about times when the other needs a gentle touch. I’ve seen Averie spend her own money to buy a treat for her younger sister, Elena, because she knows what it would mean to her. Elena is often the first to share a favorite dessert with her sister just to be kind. The more they demonstrate kindness, the greater the bond develops between them.
Think about how we feel when someone demonstrates kindness to us. We don’t just notice the act of kindness; we feel differently about that person, period. Kindness is an emotional handshake that builds trust between two people.
The results become even more obvious when someone demonstrates kindness to their enemy. One person is expecting criticism or judgment from another but receives kindness instead. Even when there is strong disagreement or injury, it’s hard to ignore the fact that they were treated with respect and kindness, minimizing the offense.
A common fear is that we’ll have to give up our personality in order to be kind. We want to be fully engaged in life, and we don’t want to pretend to be something we’re not. We fear living our lives with the directive to “be kind” lurking in the background, suggesting that we need to tone our personalities down a notch. We feel like we’re supposed to paint our lives beige.
Kindness isn’t a replacement for personality; it’s a catalyst that makes our personality more effective. Adding salt to food doesn’t replace the food, it enhances the natural flavor. Kindness brings out the richness in relationships.
The Science of Kindness
Kindness helps us become effective in our daily life and relationships. Regardless of a person’s personality, gender, or age, kindness is a key to success in every area of life. It provides the solution for negotiating the lack of trust in our society. Rather than a gimmick for survival, it becomes the means for impacting the lives of others, a catalyst for change in the world.
We don’t become kind by doing kind things for others. We do kind things for others because we’re kind.
It seems that kind people live longer, are more popular, more productive, happier, and have greater business success than others. Kindness is more than a virtue; it provides real-world benefits for both the giver and the receiver.
We’ve often heard the phrase “Nice guys finish last.” But after spending over two decades in the corporate world, I’ve found the opposite is more often true. There are tyrants who have bullied their way to the top, but their employees usually are much less loyal, engaged, and excited about being part of the company. They have used the appearance of kindness as a gimmick to gain compliance from their followers, but it results in low trust within the organization.
I’ve found that the phrase “Cream rises to the top” is more accurate. Many of the executives I’ve worked with in major corporations and organizations made it to the top by developing real relationships with the people around them on the way up. Starting at the bottom, they genuinely cared about the people around them. Instead of manipulating for their own advantage, they built trust at that level and their influence began to grow as they rose through the ranks.
When someone treats us with kindness, it catches us off guard because it happens so rarely. It makes us want to connect with that person, and we find ourselves being kind in return.
The same is true for an unkind person. When they treat us unkindly, it makes us want to avoid them. We don’t trust them and are always suspicious of their actions and motives.
What if we short-circuited the process by being kind to a person who was unkind? There are no guarantees of how they might respond, but it would change the dynamics in the relationship. It’s not about being kind so the other person will change. It’s about being kind because it’s right.
It’s the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
Being kind to the unkind is the opposite of being manipulative. True kindness isn’t a technique we use to change someone else. It’s a character trait that causes us to care for others no matter what they do or say. It doesn’t mean we have to be outgoing and friendly to a crazy person when they have hurt us. It just means we treat them with respect and kindness as a person. It brings meaning to the verse, “Love your enemies” (Matt. 5:44).
Terry was the new guy in his office, hiring on less than three months past. Most of the other salespeople treated him well, but Bill seemed to have it in for him. Bill had been there longer than anyone else and was always the top salesperson. He was the best; he knew it, and he made sure everyone else knew it. No one knew for sure whether it was arrogance or insecurity that made him attack Terry so often, pointing out that the new guy just didn’t have what it took to be successful. Bill was sarcastic to Terry’s face and demeaning behind his back.
Terry wasn’t one to be pushed around. He didn’t fight back or use the same tactics that Bill did; instead, he consistently treated Bill with kindness. Terry protected himself by not spending much time around Bill, although he did his best to make every encounter positive. To Bill’s face, he tried to affirm him as a person as well as for his competence. He did the same thing behind Bill’s back. When everyone else was calling Bill a jerk, Terry focused on his strengths. He knew there was more than what was on the surface, because people don’t act the way Bill did without something painful in their past fueling their behavior.
The turning point came when Terry was working a huge account that would have given him thousands of dollars in commission. He knew that Bill would be a better fit for the client and made arrangements with the client for Bill to take his place. It was a simple act of kindness that spoke volumes.
Bill and Terry will never be best friends, and Bill is still seen by others as a jerk. An unspoken respect grew between Bill and Terry. Bill never says anything positive about Terry, but he also doesn’t say anything negative. Terry chose genuine kindness, and Bill found it irresistible. It hasn’t changed Bill’s life, but it has changed their relationship.
Crazy Kindness
When crazy people wrap their tentacles around our lives, we can’t pretend everything is OK in order to keep them happy. There is an appropriate time, place, and need for confrontation. But we ought to do it with a focus on the interests of other people as well as our own interests.
You might be asking, “So, do I have to be kind to a jerk?”
It’s natural to feel more positive toward some people than others. We’ll be closer to some people and not as close to others. When we’re angry with someone or they have hurt us, kindness isn’t the first response we think of. But if we define kindness correctly, it can be a genuine part of every relationship—even the toughest ones. It doesn’t mean we ignore the situation; it means we look at the other person and what they’re doing through more understanding eyes.
When we have nothing left to give because hurtful things have sucked us dry, it’s OK. Even in the midst of pain, we can choose kindness as an appropriate and healthy response—whether we’re dealing with crazy people, whiny kids, rebellious teens, elderly relatives suffering from dementia, or even a puppy who chews the cover off our favorite book.
The Dream of Kindness
What would the world be like if everyone practiced kindness, even toward people they disagreed with? What would happen to wars, politics, governments, families, and churches? What if people had to take a course on kindness before appearing in a reality television show?
John Donne once said, “No man is an island.”[10] Like the expanding ripple that spreads across a pond when a pebble is tossed in, one person’s kindness can have that effect—in another person’s life, as well as impacting society as a whole.
Kindness is contagious. It’s an antacid for living in a toxic world. It’s the tool God has given us to change the world by influencing others—one heart at a time.