Alison goes to the gym four times a week. She joined a spin class and a yoga class. She doesn’t eat red meat, grows her own vegetables, and drinks purified water. She takes supplements and wears sunscreen.
Patrick eats bacon four times a week. He watches weight-loss reality shows on television while eating chips. His weight lifting program consists of standing up. He eats mayonnaise from the jar with his fingers. He has installed a soda tap in his garage.
So, who’s going to live the longest?
Alison has taken every precaution to protect her health, but she could get hit by a texting driver while walking through a parking lot. Patrick could defy the odds and live to be a hundred.
Is it fair? No. There are no guarantees in life. We plan for the worst but hope for the best. Neither Alison nor Patrick can control every aspect of their lives. Normally, our choices determine our outcomes; but the outcomes are not guaranteed. The only things we have control over are the choices, not the results.
How Long Before My Crazy People Change?
Earlier in this book, we established that we can’t change others. We can only change ourselves. If we think that by hanging in there long enough they’ll come around, we’ll probably be disappointed. The only way we can avoid being a victim is to make the right choices because those choices are right, not because they might convince someone to change.
It’s hard to stay motivated when our crazy person doesn’t change. Our willpower runs out, our tank runs dry, and we think, “When will things get better?”
There are no guarantees. It might not get better. They might never change. The only way we can be drama-free in our relationships is to focus on us, not them. We’re the ones who can change.
Making healthy choices in our relationships isn’t a one-time decision that lasts forever. To stay motivated, we have to keep making those choices day by day, over and over. Zig Ziglar used to say, “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”[16]
Relationships Don’t Come with Guarantees
Humor columnist Erma Bombeck once said, “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”[17]
A guarantee is a promise that something will perform as expected. We buy a new car or appliance and we expect it to do what the brochure promised. If that doesn’t happen, the manufacturer will either fix it or replace it. Most people won’t make a major purchase without that type of guarantee.
Wouldn’t it be great if relationships came with guarantees? Any time someone in our lives got crazy, we could call up the store and trade them in for a better model. “I’m sorry,” we would say, “this one isn’t working. I think we have a lemon. When can I bring him back?”
Life doesn’t work that way, however. Like a used car, our relationships come “as is.” When something goes wrong, we can try to fix it or work around it. But no matter what we do, the other person might stay broken (which implies that we’re not broken). In our society it’s common for people to quickly discard relationships when they don’t live up to expectations, as evidenced by the high divorce rate. But if we’re committed for the long haul, we have to distinguish between the things we can change and the things we can’t change.
What can we not change? Other people. What can we change? Ourselves. What do we do when the other person doesn’t change? Accept (the reality of the situation) and adapt (change the way we think and respond).
The Bible is filled with passages that describe the need to take responsibility for ourselves rather than others. Look at some examples from just one chapter, Romans 14:
“Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall.” (verse 4)
“You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt?” (verse 10)
“Each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” (verse 12)
“Let us stop passing judgment on one another.” (verse 13)
The principle is simple: We are only responsible for our own choices and actions. We’re not responsible for the choices of others.
So, What’s My Job?
If you’ve had teenagers, you’ve probably experienced the dilemma. It’s our responsibility to guide our kids as they grow into adulthood, and we provide boundaries to steer them in the right direction. The purpose is to help them become responsible adults, being able to function independently and make wise decisions. The older they get, the more the responsibility for those choices transfers from us to them.
Yesterday I went to a park near our house. As I sat by the lake, I watched a family of ducks swimming near the shoreline. The parents swam with one of their ducklings while the second duckling paddled off by itself in a different direction. Soon, several other ducks surrounded the duckling in what appeared to be a threatening way. The duckling began to panic.
The mother left her family and moved toward the group until the other ducks moved away. She then guided her duckling gently back to her family.
Once they were back together, she pecked the little duck so hard he completely submerged in the water. As soon as he came back up, she did it again. He barely broke the surface before it happened a third time.
After that, he stayed with his family. Don’t mess with mama duck . . .
Why did she do that? I can’t peek inside duck brains, but I’m guessing she was teaching her duckling the importance of boundaries. Within a few months, that duckling will grow up and be on its own. By then it will either know about boundaries or it won’t. Either way, the mother duck won’t be responsible for her duckling’s choices any more.
Our kids are both adults. We’re involved in their lives, and we’re there for support (and guidance if they ask). But we’re not responsible for their choices and have to accept the fact that over time they will probably make decisions we would consider crazy. We did the same with our parents, and they thought we were crazy.
There’s a great story in the biblical book of Ezekiel that stars a grandfather, his son, and his grandson (see Ezek. 18:5–20). The grandfather lived an honorable life, doing everything right. His son did exactly the opposite, doing everything wrong. The grandson reversed the pattern again and did everything right. Who’s responsible for whom?
The passage states that each person is responsible for their own behavior. “The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child. The righteousness of the righteous will be credited to them, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against them” (Ezek. 18:20).
That holds true with everyone in our lives. We’re responsible for us; they’re responsible for them. Knowing that is the foundation for dealing with the crazy people in our lives. We can’t guarantee that we can fix them, but we can focus on how we respond to them. Sometimes that means confronting them, setting up boundaries, or taking steps to protect ourselves and our families emotionally and physically. Sometimes it will mean more contact, sometimes less.
That brings us back to an earlier concept in this book: expectation versus expectancy. When we have expectations that another person will change, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. We expect that if we do the right things, they will eventually change. But that’s unrealistic, since it can’t be guaranteed.
It’s healthier to live in expectancy. That means we do everything in our power to change the situation, influence the other person, and hope for the best, accepting the fact that things might stay the way they are. Expectancy lives in reality but watches every relationship with anticipation of what could happen in the future.
My wife and I have a couple whom we’ve been close to for years. They’ve really struggled in their marriage, and we’ve invested a lot of time, energy, and resources coming alongside and loving them. We haven’t had an agenda except to walk through the journey with them and be there for them. They have their ups and downs. Often they’ll seem to be making progress; then a few weeks later they’re struggling again, and we wonder if they’ll be able to make it.
If we stayed close to them with the expectation of changing them, we’d be living by an inappropriate standard. The reason we stay involved with them is because we love them. We’ll love them if they make it, and we’ll love them if they don’t. Sure, we’ll be disappointed, but we’ll still love them.
That’s expectancy: realizing that with relationships there are no guarantees, but always anticipating the possibilities.
When dealing with crazy people, staying on our side of the relationship is the only way to keep from becoming a victim of their choices. When we work on ourselves and relate with integrity, we find the strength that allows us to make wise, healthy choices.
Who knows? They might change. If they don’t, we’ve changed. Changing ourselves changes everything.