At forty, Jim has spent his entire career in the banking industry. He knows his way around banking like the back of his hand and could talk about finances in his sleep (and probably does). He’s competent in his skills and confident in his abilities.
Over the years, Jim has worked at several different banking institutions. Good situations, bad situations—he’s seen it all. But his last job stretched him to the limit. In his position as director of operations, he had responsibility for a large part of the organization. The bank was struggling, and Jim knew his input could move it back onto solid ground.
The problem was his boss. Usually, bosses are supposed to remove barriers for their employees, freeing them up to use their unique strengths to excel in their work. But this manager was the barrier. He wouldn’t listen to Jim’s ideas and micromanaged every detail of his position. Jim began to feel devalued and became discouraged and depressed about his situation.
Jim knew he couldn’t continue this way long-term. Sure, he could have stormed into his boss’s office and yelled, “I can’t take it anymore. You’re crazy! I quit.” But he knew that would be a reactive response and he would regret the consequences of that choice. Instead, he went through the healthy, three-step process discussed earlier in this book.
First, he tried to change the situation. He used logic, influence, and careful confrontation to change the dynamics of the relationship. He asked businesspeople he respected how they would handle things. He focused on supporting and affirming his superiors. But over time, nothing changed.
Second, he worked on his attitude. Convinced that the situation wouldn’t change, Jim realized he could be a victim or a victor. It was easy to be a victim, letting his emotions be controlled by the environment he was in. That’s where he began, feeling hopeless and mentally disengaging from his work. But input from caring friends was the catalyst for change. Instead of being a victim, he realized that for now, this was his job. He decided to focus on being dedicated, learning whatever he could from the bad situation while he was still there. He reengaged with his company, giving it his best effort in spite of the people around him. “The turning point,” he said, “was when I remembered that I was really working for God, not for these people.”
During that time, Jim took the third step: change his environment. He knew it wouldn’t be healthy to stay in that situation long-term, so he started looking for a new opportunity. In a tight economy, it seemed like an uphill climb. But with consistent steps, he explored different opportunities while giving 100 percent in his current position. Several months later, he found a new position in a new industry.
The result was the same: he changed jobs. But it wasn’t a knee-jerk reaction. He followed a three-step process to ensure the best outcome:
Jim grew through the process and was able to have a healthy attitude when he left his previous employer.
Our situation may involve different people, but the scenario is the same. Whether it’s an unreasonable boss, interfering parents, a demanding spouse, undisciplined kids, nosy neighbors, insensitive friends, or crazy siblings, someone else’s choices are creating havoc in our lives.
Sometimes we feel hopeless. We’re trapped in a job or a relationship and don’t see any way out:
These situations all involve people we care about. In fact, that’s why they’re driving us crazy. Someone we work with could show the same behaviors and we would think it was entertaining. But when it’s someone we care about and we feel stuck with them, the situation seems hopeless.
When the tension builds, we wonder how much longer we can put up with it. Everything inside us wants to run away and escape the situation.
So, is leaving a bad thing?
In most cases, it’s bad if it’s a reactive response. But if it’s the last resort of a carefully thought-out process, it could be the healthiest solution.
Should I Leave or Stay?
Since every situation is different, we can’t have a one-size-fits-all checklist. That would be handy, but there are as many solutions as there are situations. Generally, all of the solutions fit into one of three actions:
Stay in a Bad Situation
Staying in a bad situation with no plan for changing the situation or our response is almost always a bad idea. Ignoring the problems we face won’t make them go away. We hope things will get better and that our crazy person will change.
Yes, it’s possible—but so is winning the lottery. We know the chances of winning big are almost nonexistent, but we keep buying tickets “just in case.” As the old adage says, “If you continue to do what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always gotten.” If you want anything to be different, you have to do things differently.
Why do people stay in bad situations? There could be a number of reasons:
Most of those reasons have to do with fear. That might seem unreasonable, but people have an emotional set point within any situation where the pain is more comfortable than the prospect of the unknown. That’s why people often stay in jobs with an abusive boss: it’s all they know, whereas taking positive steps is risky.
One of the most dangerous reasons to stay in a bad situation is trying to protect the crazy person. We make excuses for their behavior because we don’t want people to think badly of them or because they embarrass us. The problem is that when we protect them, we shield them from the negative consequences of their behavior. If they don’t have consequences, they never have an incentive to change. They might apologize and promise things will be different, but promises have to be backed up with performance. Blind loyalty on our part can actually keep healing from happening.
Staying in a bad situation without any plan for change is like constantly putting air in a leaky tire without patching the hole.
Leave a Bad Situation
Leaving should be a calculated choice, making it the last resort after all other options have been exhausted. It might involve quitting a job, changing churches, or moving from a toxic friendship. Leaving too quickly and impulsively rids us of the uncomfortable situation but doesn’t resolve the issues that led to the problem in the first place.
Every relationship problem involves interaction between two or more people. The crazy person may be primarily at fault, but we need to consider our contribution as well—how we respond, what we say, the choices we make. If we aren’t being realistic by recognizing the reality of our part in the problem, we’ll carry those same responses and attitudes into the next situation.
“OK,” you say, “I’ve tried everything possible to change the situation, and it won’t budge. They’re still crazy. I’ve worked on my attitude and response, but I’m running out of ammunition. At what point should I consider a change?”
Again, there are no absolutes. But here are the questions to ask yourself:
If you answered yes to any of the first three questions, that doesn’t necessarily mean you should make a change. But when added to your answers to the last three questions, it provides the foundation for making a careful decision.
Stay in the Situation, but with a Plan
There’s a big difference between staying in a bad situation with no plan and staying with a carefully crafted blueprint. The first is wishful thinking; the second provides genuine hope.
If we make the choice to stay, it shouldn’t be because we feel obligated to “hang in there.” It should be because we’ve determined that there is (a) sufficient value in the relationship to make it worth the effort, and (b) sufficient evidence that the other person is willing to participate in the change. If they’re not willing to work on it, they won’t see any consequences, which means there will be no change. We don’t want to impulsively quit a dysfunctional job without something else lined up, but we become victims if we stay without a course of action for improving the situation.
It takes effort to make a blueprint for relationships. It’s not quite as hard with casual, irritating relationships. With a spouse or family member, getting help from a professional counselor could be a valuable resource for charting a new course. In any case, the plan needs to design ways of coping with our anger and hurt when it happens, as well as strategies for dealing with painful issues as they arise. We also need a clear delineation of physical and emotional boundaries for the other person. “Good fences make good neighbors,” as Robert Frost said. If we’re going to stay, we need a plan.
Staying Power
If we decide to stay in a situation, committing energy to make it work, here are suggestions to survive and thrive:
Committing to a Decision
Write down the names of three people you have the most challenging relationship with and why. Rank them based on their level of challenge. Take the top one and ask: What would be the worst thing that would happen if I left this relationship? What would be the best thing? What would be the worst thing that would happen if I stayed in this relationship? What would be the best thing?
Then show the list to a trusted, objective friend to evaluate if you’re seeing clearly or if your own lens is distorted.
There are no easy answers, but looking at our relationships with eyes wide open, we can evaluate and make decisions with wisdom.
Staying in a toxic relationship without a plan is a dangerous choice. Wavering in our decision making isn’t healthy either. We might choose to leave, or we might choose to stay. Staying in the middle is a recipe for disaster.