CHAPTER 2
THE SECRET OF ATTUNEMENT
If there is a country that seems to have it all, it is Italy. The majesty of Roman architecture, the lush, rolling countryside, dotted with olive orchards and vineyards. And the aromas! The pure, fresh air coming off the sea, the ever-present scents pouring from homes and cafes, where someone is always baking or stewing or stirring up something that will taste better than you can imagine. Everywhere you look in Italy, there is a scene worthy of a painting or just one more photo. No matter how you try to capture the beauty of Italy—with paintbrush or camera—there is no substitute for being there, in the flesh, all your senses alive with its resplendence.
If, that is, you are actually there when you go there.
The truth is, you can be in Italy and miss Italy. You can be on a tour bus, speeding over asphalt, catching blurred glimpses of scenery from the window, while you are constantly distracted by the noise and chatter of other passengers. You can be in the most beautiful place in the world, anywhere in the world, and because of worries or distractions that pull at your mind, you can miss the glory of being fully present for wonder.
In the same way, we can miss the glorious beauty of our mates when we don’t slow down, turn off the distractions, and tune in to each other with all our senses.
Thankfully, when Misty and I were able to go on a long-saved-for and much-anticipated trip to the Mediterranean, we took the time needed to get away from crowds and become fully attuned, almost feeling one with the land. We immersed ourselves in the people, the slower pace, and all we could absorb from the culture. We were together in Pisa, Naples, Palermo, Rome, and other beautiful locales, and we didn’t miss any detail of their centuries-old culture. We luxuriated in every experience. In addition, we felt we were one with each other. It was a rare and precious moment in time when we were able to turn aside from all distractions back home in Middle America and tune in to the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, touch of the beautiful Mediterranean—and to each other.
As that great Italian crooner Dean Martin sang, “Memories are made of this.”
But eventually we had to come home again, as every tourist does. For a while, the memory of a slower pace, of being fully relaxed and present for each other, lingered. But not for long. No matter how sweet, there is no memory strong enough to totally change how we function together back home, day after day. You can, however, choose to bring home the essence of what you experienced elsewhere and apply it to your marriage, often, and watch your relationship slowly blossom with passion. The essence of what Misty and I experienced in Italy was the secret of attunement, though at the time I had no clue what the word attunement even meant.
I was a music major in college, so I knew about tuning a piano so that the keys would play notes in harmony. This is a pretty good picture of what attunement means in relationships. It is the ability to tweak your focus until it is in sync, or in harmony, with the person you love.
This concept has been the ultimate challenge for my scattered, fast-running brain. I am a multidecade veteran of the Attention Deficit Disordered War on Relationships. If you only knew how hard I have fought to achieve deep human connection. That connection thing I’d heard so much about was not easy to attain, and once I got it, it felt impossible to sustain for long. In fact, both of us struggled to maintain a close connection, but for differing reasons.
In my case, ADHD produces an internal disorderly conduct, so it is never easy for me to get focused and stay in tune. For people who don’t have ADHD, let me try to describe what it’s like for our runaway-brain types. Imagine trying to have a conversation with your wife, only your hair is on fire, burning overhead. While you are trying to intently listen to her, look for nuances in her expression, and be sensitive to any emotional gradation, all you see is the flames from your hair reflected in her eyes. You try to focus on her words; you nod, respond. Then brush away burning ashes from your head. You tell yourself, “Focus, focus, focus,” but you smell burning flesh. Still you nod, acknowledge her valuable input, ask to hear more (keep your eyes from squinting in the smoke), focus, listen harder, more nodding, loving, responding. But while she is talking, you are waiting for the moment when you can finally stick your head in a bucket of water. It took such a gargantuan effort to control your brain-on-fire while practicing your deep-listening skills! At certain times, that is what staying attuned is like for me. However, if I fail to attune because I am focusing more on the forest fire of thoughts in my head than on my wife’s heart, we both pay a price.
Have you ever trusted someone with a vulnerable piece of your heart, said something that meant a great deal to you, and then got what felt like an obligatory and brief response as they turned the conversation to something that seemed to interest them more? We have all experienced this; Misty and I have done it to each other. But the more skilled I get at harnessing my runaway “let’s fight that fire!” thoughts, the better I am at attunement.
I have pursued every resource available to tend to my adult ADHD, and not only has my effort to get help for my struggles with focus been helpful for me, but it has also meant so much to Misty.
I’m a long way from having reached perfect atuno-matata, but I am upping my skills in focused listening, better able to mirror Misty’s responses with thoughtful replies, trying to look for and read Misty’s facial cues and linger with her on one subject a little longer. As the saying goes, the struggle is real, but I know that if I want to experience back at home all that Misty and I felt in Italy, I have to conquer attunement—my final frontier of intimate connection.
Many years ago, John F. Kennedy spoke the words, “We choose to go to the moon.” Remember, when he said this, it sounded like something out of a sci-fi novel to American ears. We have more technology today in our smartphones than they had in the entire space program in the early sixties. Still, Kennedy declared what was not yet into being. “We choose to go to the moon.”
In a similar declaration of faith, I said to myself, “I choose to attune.” And trust me, with the short supply of skills I had to work with, I might as well have said, “I am going to the moon.”
But Misty and I wanted nothing more than to experience marital oneness, and we were willing to do whatever it took. Something amazing happens when, from the very depths of our soul, we are ready for change. As we humbly invite new possibilities and ways of thinking into our lives, we miraculously begin to change. If a guy with ADHD like me can practice focus and connection, then I believe anyone who is willing can do this.
Now I want Misty to speak to the issue of attunement in her own words, as her struggles to attune have been different from mine. I believe many of you will relate to her challenges.
(Misty) A challenge I face every day is the practice of keeping my heart soft and open, even in the face of fears and my tendency toward self-protection. Walling off is a “skill” I developed during a childhood in which healthy boundaries were often abandoned in the family I loved so dearly. My sisters and I frequently invaded each other’s space without warning in our small house, where personal territory was at a premium. Often we said what we felt, when we felt it, at the intensity with which we felt it, putting it out there without edit or thoughtfulness. I learned to get bigger and louder and more fierce in the face of perceived threat. As close as we sisters were, and as much as we loved each other, in times of conflict there was a struggle inside me. Those times were chaotic, intense, and frightening, and I compensated with the best survival skills I could summon at the time: being on edge, hypervigilant, ready to react, defend, and protect at all times. I realize now that this skill set is common to a lot of us who grew up in homes with high conflict and few boundaries. However, these very skills that helped us navigate our chaos as children no longer serve us in adulthood and can undermine connection and the intimacy we want in a healthy marriage.
All relationships come with ups and downs, times of sweet connection and times of hurt, misunderstandings, and disconnection. But entering into a normal marriage with normal ups and downs with a hypervigilant chip on the shoulder can be a recipe for trouble. A simple disagreement or small annoyance may turn instead into a major conflict.
When it comes to attunement with Steve, I must first practice overall centeredness and connection with God. Attuned to God’s love for me and his covering over me, I practice trusting him in my daily life. When I am secure in that relationship, when I am steady and grounded in his love and care for me, I am less apt to react from fear or perceived threat in any situation, and certainly when it comes to my husband. In those moments when I am ready to fire in reaction toward Steve, the best action I can take is to pause. Take a deep breath. Often I will quickly pray the Serenity Prayer and create a buffer zone before I respond. God is meeting me in that pause. And in turn, I am meeting Steve.
Each day presents an opportunity for me to shut down and close off my heart, offended or wounded, hardening the shell around me, then acting in reactionary ways, creating wounds and hurt in my husband, the one I love and yearn to be close to. Instead I can take the opportunity to practice opening my heart, holding it open, even when I have to pry it open with a crowbar to get a sliver more of openness, so that I might move toward my husband rather than moving away. It is difficult for me to do this. I want to react. I want to judge and teach him how to live. My natural response is to want to control outcomes. I can deceive myself, thinking, “If I just explain the situation ‘this way’ to Steve, maybe things will change. Or if I explain it to him once more, with extra feeling, it might do the trick. If I slam a door loud enough, perhaps that will create the change I want.”
Yet God continues gently teaching me that my knee-jerk reactions are counterproductive. They are not helping me or Steve or our marriage. So I am learning and doing the scary thing, the counterintuitive thing: reaching out to Steve with an open heart when what I want to do most is to shut down or run. I will say again, this is not easy for me. I have to gather all my courage to lean in toward my husband when my old reactionary habits are bidding me, “Wall off.”
It may take everything I have within me to become the listener in that moment, instead of the speaker. To seek to understand before seeking to be understood. But here’s the headline: every time I am able to slow down the pace from my side of the street, get out of my reactionary zone, and look for my spouse’s real need during a conflict, we get to the heart of the matter much more gently and much more quickly. I believe that many women reading this, especially those who did not feel relationally safe as a child, will understand. Keeping my heart open requires staying in my adulthood—resting in my connection with God, remembering I have the choice to respond thoughtfully rather than react automatically.
Attunement means I have empathy for my spouse. I can see his joy over something at work, and I can rejoice with him. I can notice that he’s looking a little down today and check in on him gently. I can see he is upset and not lose myself in it. I can contain his emotional spouting, because I hurt for him, and I can transcend being offended, for the larger goal of holding his heart in his pain. It means I can understand where he’s coming from; I may not like it, but I know that what he really needs more than a lecture from me is a nap. Or a meal. It means when I wake up earlier than he does, I will close the door quietly to promote his sleep. I am in tune with his needs, while simultaneously in tune with mine. And he is aware of me, and supporting me too, in all the same ways.
(Steve) Our marriage has afforded us the environment to heal old wounds and learn new ways of being in relationship. Attunement requires two people who are willing to perceive each other, and truly care, in order to connect. If intimate connection doesn’t come naturally to you, don’t despair. Get any help you need from counselors or wise mentors, and then make regular time and space for practice and daily attunement. What we prioritize will grow and blossom. This is a lifelong adventure in understanding one another, staying open, and reaching for humility. Reaching for each other. Creating attunement and connection is thrilling when achieved. Joy-filling, awe-inspiring, love-growing marriage is available for all who participate.
Now Misty and I have our own Mediterranean moments of attunement every day. We are tracking together at a deep and soulful level, and we don’t have to pay big bucks to visit another country to experience this bliss.
Almost every night possible in our marriage, after we put the younger kids to bed, we spend a good length of time together alone in our big bathtub, sharing experiences from the day and the feelings that have arisen from them. In these moments, we have planned for the future and dreamed up ideas to try to change the world. But mostly we are just fully there with each other and for each other long enough that we become attuned, to a degree that I never thought possible. This daily practice, sacred to us now, has been a superglue holding us together when it felt like the world, the flesh, and even the Devil (it seemed at times) wanted to rip us apart. For us, the place we often attune best has turned out to be in our big, two-person bathtub.
Aside from the warmth of the water, which helps us relax and be fully present for each other, an interesting dynamic is created by sharing time together in this way. Just the sheer physical vulnerability leads to significant emotional vulnerability as well. Very important in these moments for us is the level of safety and trustworthiness we must provide for each other. Being in each other’s presence, naked and facing one another, submerged and talking, is a graduate-level course in trust, acceptance, intimacy, and transparency.
The perimeter of the bathtub is a convenient boundary, creating a space only for us, where no one else has access or the ability to disrupt. It is our place together, and ours alone. It is an interesting experience, all these years, the thousands of times we’ve held our nightly “meetings,” as we call them. We have laughed in our tub together, cried and shared deep sorrows; we have argued, discussed the calendar, held each other in silence, and yes at times launched toward our bedroom.
With all our hearts, Misty and I want to see other couples discover and practice the art of attunement. The bathtub has been our sanctuary together, but no worries if you aren’t bath people. Just find a quiet place where you can meet every day for at least twenty minutes, tune out the world, and tune in to each other. It could be your bedroom, a porch swing, a path in the park, opposite ends of your sofa, or a cozy kitchen nook—it doesn’t matter where as long as it is special to you, private, and relaxing. (If you have kids, it helps to teach them the boundary not to interrupt at this time, or just enjoy this time together as soon as they’ve gone to bed.)
I am so proud and happy to say that even though our life is beyond full and requires hard work from both of us, our marriage now often plays like a finely tuned Steinway. I’ve spent a lot of time traveling in my life. This past year was the final year of Women of Faith, a conference event I started two decades ago. Their Farewell Tour was special, and Misty and I both felt that I needed to be with the speakers I’d come to love and admire, to celebrate the miraculous blessing the Women of Faith conferences have been to more than five million women, and this one very fortunate man. But I have been home now, without traveling, for a long while, and it has been wonderful. On several occasions, Misty has caught me standing and staring in the midst of our family, watching them do what families do. “What are you thinking about?” she asked in one of these moments.
I smiled at her, my heart full, my eyes moist, and said, “I’m so thankful not to miss this.”
I have missed so much because of my distraction-prone brain and because of job pressures and travel. I am more motivated than ever to stay in tune with my remarkable wife and our precious kids. I do not want to miss my own life. So I give thanks and keep practicing.
THE FINE ART (AND RISK) OF ENGAGING
I do a little coaching with folks looking for love, alongside giving advice to married couples looking to recapture romance. I tell them, “Look, you won’t get anywhere in love if you don’t engage. Looking down and memorizing the tops of your shoes will not do it. You have to do whatever it takes to work through and get over fear, anxiety, pride, conceit to become a person who notices, acknowledges, and engages with others. You start relationships that way, and you build them every day by continuing to notice and connect with people.”
Disengage, or never engage, and you miss the foundation of romantic love.
My son Solomon is, at this writing, nine years old, extremely bright, and very handsome. Recently we went on an evening bike ride together. On the return trip, we saw two little girls on the sidewalk with one very cute dog. Solomon loves dogs and seems to have a way with little girls (which I did not know until that evening ride). He kicked his bike into park, walked over to them, and asked if he could pet their dog. They smiled and nodded. As he knelt down to engage with the dog, he engaged with the girls, telling them how much he loved dogs and that this was one of the cutest ones he had ever seen.
Then my boy very casually and naturally asked the girls, “What are your names?” They happily responded, and Solomon followed up with another question. “What are your teachers’ names?” The girls answered, and Solomon perked up, smiling broadly, and said, “Oh, so that’s why I thought I knew you. I helped out in your class last week. I remember seeing you there when I was helping with math. Well, I guess I better go.”
At this point, I couldn’t help but notice that the two sidewalk sisters were beaming smiles in my boy’s direction. I watched Solomon get back on his two-wheeler, unkick the stand, and start to ride off, but then he looked back and said to his sweet, responsive new friends, “Thanks for letting me pet your dog!”
What I realized that night, afresh, was that my nine-year-old son has the “it factor” when it comes to engaging with people. He followed his heart and took a risk to stop his bike when he saw something he liked (a cute dog), and he engaged. He asked permission to pet the dog (showing honor for the owners’ boundaries) and then complimented the girls on what they obviously had in common with him (love of dogs). He then took a risk to learn their names and pointed out one more thing they had in common: a school connection. He expressed gratitude and said a polite goodbye. His ease at engaging others made his ol’ dad swell with pride. Someday, when Solomon is more interested in girls than he is in dogs, these attributes are going to serve him well.
What I have just described, and what Solomon is already discovering, is something that psychologists are calling “attunement.” In its simplest form, attunement means to be aware of, and responsive to, another. In romantic relationships, it also involves getting so in sync with your partner that the rest of the world falls away.
Monty Roberts, the world-famous Horse Whisperer, coined the term join up for the wordless communication that happens between a human and a horse, when a cowboy studies and learns to speak horse language. This language, as it turns out, is a precise series of gestures between equals (rather than master-slave control) that builds trust and affection. It is magical to watch this connection take place between the human and the animal kingdom. (Google “Monty Roberts” and “join up” for some examples on YouTube!) But it is even more incredible to experience an emotional join-up between a man and a woman.
In marriage, we join up or attune to each other by speaking each other’s love language, both verbally and nonverbally. Not as a way to control or manipulate but as a way to experience oneness together, partnership, and to deeply communicate honor, interest, affection, and love.
This is a very good thing for increasing the passion factor in any relationship. Misty and I are now in the marriage-enhancing habit of pausing, focusing, and tuning in to each other at some point every day. Of course, most of the joy that comes more naturally for us now didn’t just happen by accident. It’s a hard-earned happiness, honed through mutual willingness, proactive effort, and lots of practice.
TOUCHY-FEELY PEOPLE
I tell singles in search of romantic love, “You must touch people.” (Appropriately, of course.) And in this area of connecting, no country on earth excels like Italy.
It is no secret that Italians tend to be emotionally, verbally, and physically expressive souls. They cannot imagine a conversation without using their hands to gesture or touch each other when talking. Even Italian journalists can’t keep their hands from flying as they report the news on TV. But you might be surprised at just how wide the difference is between the amount of touching that Anglo-Saxon countries experience and the amount experienced by Latin cultures.
In a famous study in the 1960s, people were observed in a cafe, talking for an hour, in several countries. In England, the land of the prim, private, and proper, there was no touching. Zilch. Americans weren’t much better, touching an average of only twice an hour. In France, however, the touching shot up to 110 times an hour. In a later study, it was discovered that Italians touched each other almost three times more often during a typical conversation than did the average French couple! (Atsa lotta skin-to-skin connection.)1
What does casual touching have to do with passion in marriage? Study after study shows that couples who literally can’t keep their hands off each other, even in old age, are more in tune with each other. Their hearts even tend to line up and beat in the same rhythm in their sleep. When people are under stress, scientists note, anxiety starts to diminish when a lover holds them or grasps their hand.2
It is not surprising, then, that couples who hold hands in public or easily reach to stroke each other’s cheek or pat a shoulder are the ones most likely to get lucky back at the ol’ villa. Small, regular, tender touches form the threads of connection between men and women that eventually create long-lasting bonds of passion, commitment, and romance.
In my advice on dating, I tell women, “Casually, in conversation, form a bridge of connection by touching the top of a man’s hand or his shoulder or arm.” Just a slight touch says, without words, “I’m not afraid. I’m not a prude or uptight. I am comfortable.” It is incredible what that little touch does to draw a man to a woman and dispel misperceptions of who she is and the need to protect himself.
I advise men, “Just gently touch your date’s back as you escort her through a crowd or a door. Don’t put your hand too low or too high or leave it there long. Just a respectful touch.” And that slight touch of gallant manhood is often the cue for her to drop her unease and comfortably make a connection.
Anyone who has fallen in love can point to the moment when their eyes met someone else’s in more than a casual glance. It is the look in the eyes that often takes a relationship from polite attention to real engagement, especially if followed up with comments and questions that go below the surface. If you accompany this conversation with appropriate casual, slight touches, it can seal a significant connection deep in the brain’s memory files. When you apply the secrets of deep engagement, whether you are on a first date with someone new or the hundredth date with your spouse, you’ll find that the person you’re with will naturally open their heart and communicate more vulnerably and deeply with you.
THE SECRETS OF ATTUNEMENT: FROM ITALIAN MEN
When it comes to joining up to their lovers via talking and touching, gazing and questioning, sharing and affirming, Italians really have it going on. Let’s unlock some of the other secrets to engaging deeply with the opposite sex.
He is generous with compliments and expressions of gratitude. An Italian man will “work hard to improve himself and to let the object of his affection know that she is the one. When an Italian man meets a woman for the first time, he discovers her greatest attribute—her smile or her generosity or her long legs—and applauds it as though he was the first to do so. He makes a woman feel as though she is special and full of potential just in the way he looks at her. The reflection she will see of herself in his eyes will leave her full of desire and breathless with anticipation. An Italian man always gets the girl because he makes her fall in love with him as much as he makes her fall in love with herself. That’s the secret!”3
Of course, the Italian man does not always get the girl, but his way with a woman increases the odds greatly. And one of his most powerful ways of creating positive connection is through showing appreciation and gratitude. Who doesn’t like to be thanked? It is a simple but profound—and paradoxical—truth: if you want to be appreciated, the most effective way to make that happen is simply to say thank you. One of the things I’ve noticed about the happiest, healthiest married couples is that they “live in gratitude” with each other. Make it a habit to thank your mate for the dozens of things they do that make your life easier. “Thank you, babe, for cooking that delicious supper.” “I so appreciate you washing my car today!” “I love the way you are so sweet to pitch in with the kids’ bedtime even though I know you are exhausted too.” Notice the gifts in your spouse; acknowledge and verbally appreciate them. Shower the woman you love with sincere compliments, express your gratitude for all she does, and watch her blossom like a flower in sunshine.
He sets up conditions for meaningful conversation. Italian men know, perhaps better than men from any other country, that the way to a woman’s heart is often through her brain, through meaningful conversation. According to the Italian website Zoomata, in a recent magazine survey of more than one thousand Italian men, 68 percent reported carrying a book to the beach to encourage conversation with women. About 80 percent of those men toted the Bible or Dante’s Divine Comedy—not what Americans would consider a good beach read, but Italian guys obviously know something about connecting to women on a deep level and are unafraid to go there.4
Books on the beach seem to do it for Italians. But here in America, I have noticed that nothing sets up conversation like a bark in the park. Having a dog with you increases the likelihood of conversation by 2,456 percent, according to one informal survey I made up in my own head. Unless your dog is a Doberman or a pit bull. If you want to meet people, get a dog with big, adorable eyes and soft fur. A kitten or a bunny or even a lemur could also work. It just needs to be an animal that looks soft to the touch and begs to be held.
He uses the art of tender touch. Finally, Italian men are masters at those casual, zinger touches that make a woman’s knees go weak. “Italian men worship the female form and pay attention to details—from sweetly caressing your cheek in a passionate moment to playfully twisting your hair on the beach.”5
The growing research on the value of touch to our well-being and feelings of connection, bonding, and intimacy is astounding. Neuroscientists have found that physical touch activates the area of the brain that links to feelings of reward and compassion. A simple touch can trigger the release of oxytocin (the “love hormone”) and also stimulate the vagus nerve, which evokes feelings of compassion. Gentle touches not only soothe us; they are healthy for us, calming cardiovascular stress and strengthening the immune system. All these emotions bond us and make us feel we’re on the same team, working toward a common goal. In fact, NBA teams whose players touch each other more—in pats on the back and manly guy hugs—win more games!
To touch can be to give life.
—MICHELANGELO
A gentle brush of a woman’s arm can boost a man’s chances in love: one research study showed that two-thirds of women agreed to dance with a man who touched her on the arm a second or two before making the request.6 Never underestimate the power of even a small, glancing touch to increase the bond in your marriage.
THE SECRETS OF ATTUNEMENT: FROM ITALIAN WOMEN
Lest you think that Italian men have the corner on ways to successfully engage with the opposite sex, I’d like you to meet a few Italian women who have much to teach American ladies about passionate love.
She never doubts her feminine power. “My Zia [Aunt] Concettina is built of peasant stock—a rotund but firm belly, broad shoulders and strong-like-bull legs—but she will always be the picture of femininity to me. In a typical day, she might carry a 30-pound grandbaby on her hip, wash the floor on her knees, and lift bushels of tomatoes over her head. But everywhere we go, men (and even women) flock to her like Tony Soprano to prosciutto. I think the twinkle in her eye, her contagious laugh and bawdy humor do the trick. She is unafraid to swing her hips and make eyes at complete strangers, especially men.”7
She sees her face and body as an artist’s canvas. Journalist Hugo McCafferty is an Irishman married for ten years to an Italian woman, and now the proud father of three Irish-Italian children. In an email interview, Hugo shared this insight about Italian women: “Italian women don’t just throw something on, and from young girls to doddering nonnas there’s a coherence in what they wear, a look. And it gives them confidence; even the very plain or average looking Italian woman moves with a certain confidence, and that is in itself very attractive. Even the non-lookers are, from a distance, lookers; the beautiful ones are off the scale.” It seems that Italian women know they are fearfully and wonderfully made by God, but they are not afraid to adorn God’s handiwork with some tasteful artistic draping.
At the dressing table, every woman has a chance to be an artist, and art, as Aristotle said, “completes what nature left unfinished.”
—SOPHIA LOREN
She is openly passionate. Italian women feel things deeply and are known to wear their emotions on their sleeves. “Whether welling up in tears listening to Celine Dion, or rapturously throwing their arms around you for no good reason, there’s never a dull moment,” McCaffery wrote.
She is also open with her feelings of gratitude and admiration for her man. I am the grateful recipient of sincere compliments from my wife that draw me to her and have a bit of healing ointment in them. I grew up with two older brothers who were anything but encouraging, and I felt inadequate from a young age. This left what therapists call a core wound in my vulnerable, little-boy heart. Any betrayal, abandonment, or feelings of failure would reopen that wound. I had hoped that success would silence the long-ago voices of shame. But having a New York Times bestseller did not fix it. Entrepreneur of the Year didn’t do it, and being inducted into the Speaker Hall of Fame didn’t cure me. No achievement soothed the inner pain of inadequacy.
Then one day Misty shared with me that she was talking with a friend of hers who wanted to publish a book. She told her friend in response to a request for guidance, “Well, Steve knows everything about it. He would be so happy to help in any way. He has so much experience and truly loves helping new authors find their way. He also loves getting good, helpful resources out to as many people as possible. Let me talk to him.”
Whoo Hoo! came a shout from an aching and inadequate soul. In truth, the shout felt as if it came from a ten-year-old boy. Misty could not have said anything better to help me feel more competent as a man. The effect of her sincere, uplifting belief in me was, as we say in the psych world, reparative. My wife’s confidence in my abilities and character made me walk a little taller, and the old wound inside me started to heal.
The point I’m trying to make to women reading this book is that you have so much power in the words you use, to both build up your man’s self-esteem and heal old hurts left by others in his past. See if you can figure out where your husband may have been hurt the most as a child, and compliment him, sincerely, when you see he needs encouragement. And if you speak highly of your man in front of others as well, this is a double blessing. No matter how self-assured your husband may appear, most of us men are really just little boys inside, hanging by our knees on the monkey bars, hoping our girl will notice and tell us how strong and talented we are.
There really can’t be too many compliments from husband to wife, or wife to husband, in a marriage. Almost all of us, men and women, have endured plenty of criticism, and we hear it over and over in our minds. A marriage can be a great healing force for these old wounds, applying the balm of affirmation.
She is, by nature, a foodie. Italian women grow up knowing their way around a garden and a kitchen. They savor freshly prepared, beautiful, healthy food, with none of the food phobias so common to American women.
“They love food, they live for food, they eat it, they talk about it, they clap their hands together with excitement when they see a restaurant menu.”8 In other words, Italian women seem to instinctively know that food is a way to connection, to sensual experiences, to love! (More on the connection between love and food in chapter 4.)
She has a disarming sense of humor. Not only are Italian women witty, but they are also more than willing to laugh at themselves. “Any man will tell you, there’s nothing sexier than a feisty sense of humor, and Italian women have that in spades,” one blogger wrote. Sharing humor is a great way to become quickly attuned to your partner.9 As the beloved and funny Danish pianist Victor Borge once said, “The closest distance between two people is a laugh.”
She knows that beauty is more about self-esteem than physical attributes. Sophia Loren, still sizzling at eighty, wrote this important piece of advice to women: “You must all, somewhere deep in your hearts, believe that you have a special beauty that is like no other and that is so valuable that you must not abandon it. Indeed, you must learn to cherish it.” She also said, “Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful.” We’ve all met women who would not necessarily have won any beauty contests but who had a certain something that others found irresistible. The word for that certain something, I think, is allure, which means “the quality of being powerfully or mysteriously attractive or fascinating.” The good news is that a woman can be alluring without being a cover model. (Case in point: the previously mentioned Aunt Concettina.) A woman with inner confidence who believes she is beautiful, feminine, sexy, fun, and smart can be alluring to her husband (and everyone else) all her life. One way to be alluring is to be fully aware of the man who sits across the breakfast table from you, focus on his best qualities, and tease them out of him one by one, as only an expertly engaging woman can.
ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD FOR YOU, MY LOVE
Though expats from America and other time-sensitive cultures may not consider it a positive value, Italians and people of many other Mediterranean countries have an almost blatant disregard for the clock. They rarely seem in a hurry and are typically open and welcoming to drop-in visitors. Contrast that to Americans with precious little margin in their fast-paced lives, who feel not joy but irritation at a friend dropping by unannounced, and think only of what is not getting crossed off on the ever-pressing to-do list. Westerners make lots of lists; Mediterraneans linger and make love.
Imagine a whole country enjoying a built-in, guilt-free, daily naptime! Italians say that the only people who are awake during the midafternoon siesta are “foreigners and fools.” This appreciation of rest, this lack of hurriedness, feels pretty wonderful when couples are completely focused on each other, asking questions, touching, leaning back to listen, admiring, pouring another glass of wine on a late summer’s eve. (Perhaps they have more stamina for paying rapt attention to each other because everyone just had a long, refreshing nap.) Their attitude and body language convey to each other, “You matter. I’m fully present and enjoying every single aspect of being with you, delightful person that you are!” Who wouldn’t swoon over that sort of attention? Who wouldn’t feel cherished, valued, loved?
Attunement is, in short, all about paying closer attention to each other. It is getting our mind off the dozens of things that pull at our attention; it’s tending fully to the love of our life for a few moments a day, every day. We can do this through our eyes, our body language, the way we prioritize unhurried time with each other, the way we affirm, compliment, and build up our partner in ways that make them happy to be a man, delighted to be a woman. (If you don’t know what words of praise and honor make them happy, ask!) It is also about paying closer attention to ourselves and feeding our senses, allowing passion to rise and flow naturally, appreciating our inner selves and presenting ourselves in ways that make us feel unique, classy, fun, sexy. It is about being fully present for your lover in proactive, sense-drenched ways on a regular basis.
A beautiful thing happens when we start paying attention to each other. It is by participating more in your relationship that you breathe life into it.
Thirteen Ways to Keep Your Lover Attuned
1. Be aware of the art of subtle touch. Men, try putting your hand on the small of your wife’s back when guiding her through a door, or put your hand over her hand while driving, or tenderly bring her hand to your lips and kiss it. Reach across the table and caress her cheek with your hand. Women, gently rub the back of your man’s neck while he is driving, or lay your head on his shoulder while watching TV. Put your arm in the crook of his when walking. Give him a love pat as you scoot around him in the kitchen to reach for a glass, letting your body gently graze his in passing. (As the title of one book states, sex begins in the kitchen. Perhaps it’s because there are all kinds of opportunities to bump into each other there.)
2. Meet at a coffee shop or cafe in the middle of the day, or get together for a glass of wine after work and pretend to be two people deeply attracted to each other, meeting up for a first date. Flirt, steal a kiss, gaze, laugh. Touch, touch, touch—like Italians do!
3. Give compliments that affirm each other’s masculinity or femininity. Wives, say something that helps your man feel like a man! (“I love the way you took charge of that meeting the other day.” “Look at how easily you moved all those boxes upstairs! I sometimes forget how strong you are!” “You are a wonderful lover. That was amazing.”) Men, help your lady feel glad she is a woman! (“Your beauty, when you’re just standing near the window in the sunlight, takes my breath away.” “I love how tender you are with our kids.” “Knowing that your smile and your arms are waiting for me at the end of the day keeps me going.”) Don’t hesitate to simply ask each other, “What words of affirmation from me make you feel happy to be my husband? Glad to be my wife?”
4. Create some extra margin in your life for lingering. (If at all possible, keep a portion of your weekends free to allow for at least a half day of unscheduled time together.) Have a regular happy hour (or half hour if time is short) after work sitting together on the porch in summer or cuddling up on a couch or soaking in a bubble bath. Enjoy a few minutes of pillow talk before sleep. You can share a relaxing beverage, unwind, and share your day. (Be sure to ask questions as well as share your thoughts.) Some couples’ schedules allow for coffee chats in the morning (especially on weekends), and they love to begin their days with a bit of lingering and connection.
5. Give some extra thought to what you are wearing. Colors, cut, and other elements of style can make all of us feel a little bit sexier. Women, bring out your inner Italian and show a bit more shoulder or cleavage or leg, or wear something form fitting when you are alone with your man. Wear pretty lingerie under your clothes to remind yourself that you are a sensual woman. Men, up your game a bit in the wardrobe department. Maybe it’s time to lose those old faded, baggy jeans and get some new jeans that fit and flatter your assets. Exchange your “Git ’er Dun” T-shirt for some classier, slogan-free shirts that are still comfortable. (Black knit shirts with any kind of collar look great on most men. Throw on a jacket, and look out, Lola.) Ladies, ask your husband what kinds of clothes and colors he likes best on you, and try to honor his preferences when you can (within reason). Men, notice or ask what your wife loves to see you wear. Wear clothes in colors that set off your best features. Even comfy bum-around-the-house clothes can be sexy if you put a little thought into them.
6. Women, ponder Sophia Loren’s advice to “believe that you have a special beauty that is like no other,” and never abandon this part of you; cherish your inner beauty. For “nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful.” Do you truly believe that you are beautiful? If not, search deep inside and find the beauty God sees in you. Begin to treat yourself as if you were uniquely beautiful, as if there were no other woman on earth like you. The confidence that emanates from a woman who cherishes the beauty God placed inside her will prove irresistible. Whether or not you realize it, how you feel about and treat yourself is often how you teach others to feel about and treat you.
7. Men, you may not want to bring a copy of the Bible or Dante’s Divine Comedy to the beach, but try listening to or reading a book that inspires you or teaches you something new, that goes a little deeper and causes you to ask yourself new questions. When the time is right and you and your lady are lingering together—on a walk or sitting out on the porch before dinner—share some of the thoughts you are reading, ask her opinion, and listen to her response. Show that you value her insight and perspective.
8. Laugh together whenever possible. Laughter is one of the world’s most underrated aphrodisiacs. Watch funny movies or cartoons or share a hilarious YouTube video that you know your lover will enjoy. Never be afraid to tell a good story on yourself, as sharing our flaws with humor is a powerful way of connecting with our soul mate. Not long ago, our family sat around the table laughing our heads off as each member recounted some hilarious moment they remembered. Misty recalled a night when we were watching a weather report in the midst of a blizzard. A local weatherman was out in the snow, reporting. He was wearing a hoodie over what appeared to be several stocking caps. But in order to hear, he had his ears sticking out of the overstuffed hoodie. The top of the hoodie formed a fine point, like a steeple. It looked more like a spacesuit than a weatherman’s jacket. So I adopted a voice like ET and spoke over him. “This is Mark the Martian reporting live from a blizzard here on planet Earth.” Misty laughed for two days after that. (I stopped laughing after a day and a half.) We relived it all over again months later, and it seemed just as funny; our sides were aching. Try going back in time to things that once tickled your funny bone as a couple, and bring them up at dinner tonight. The laughter will do you good!
9. Don’t be afraid to be passionate about preparing and serving delicious food! Instead of thinking like a glutton—piling up a plate at the local all-you-can-eat buffet—think like a food connoisseur, pausing to notice and savor the flavors of a fresh, ripe peach or a perfectly cooked salmon. There was a cooking show (recently cancelled) called The Taste, about creating one perfect bite. The contestants had to serve the judges one ideal spoonful of their culinary creation. So much thought went into such a tiny amount of food! Food scientists tell us that we get the most taste from our food in the first three bites, so try slowing down the process of eating together and truly enjoying the first few bites of a fabulous meal. If you do this, you will find yourself both satisfied and full with smaller portions. Focus on quality of taste and freshness in what you eat, rather than on quantity, and you’ll discover that food can become a shared passion and delight that also contributes to your health and happiness. (More on this later.)
10. Make saying thank you a part of your daily habits, and you will be amazed at how these two small words, given generously, strengthen the bond of love and romance. Try this: every evening, between dinner and lights-out, when you are together, thank the one you love for at least one thing they did or one thing they are that blesses your life. And if you kept a list of those things mentioned, it would make a wonderful gift on an anniversary or birthday. It would also serve as a reminder to you, when you go through a rough spot, of all the things you are grateful for, beneath whatever the current conflict might be.
11. Remember, the eyes are the window to your passionate soul. Don’t be afraid to gaze at your mate; let your eyes linger over his or her face and form. Search for your partner’s eyes across a crowded room, and give a wink, a knowing glance, or a shy, sexy smile. See how much you can say to each other without saying a word. It can be incredibly erotic. If you watch any romantic movie with an Italian man or woman as the lead, you will observe how they so expertly and naturally use their eyes to charm the opposite sex—via longing gazes, flirtatious glances, raised eyebrows, winks, or knowing looks. There is a reason why Italian men are known for having bedroom eyes, and it isn’t all about their eyes’ shape or color. It is because an Italian man knows how to convey desire for a woman, take her under his spell with a look, whether or not she can understand a word of the language he is speaking.
12. Try being more open with your emotions, especially the positive or tender ones. If you feel a surge of gratitude for the beauty of the day, or the love of your wife, or the cuteness of your kids, don’t keep it to yourself. Say it. Say it with energy and passion. People are drawn to those who love and appreciate the small things in life, who don’t shy away from expressing their joy or sharing how a song touches their emotions or conveying how much compassion they feel for someone’s pain.
13. Practice getting in sync with your spouse regularly. It requires a certain letting go of the day, quieting the noise in your own head to link up with what your mate is feeling or thinking. Pretend you are a therapist (or “marriage whisperer”), and notice not only what your husband or wife is saying but also their body language, their tone of voice. Respond thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively. When they volunteer a thought or information, follow up by asking a question about what they just shared. Don’t move on too quickly to your own agenda. Listening deeply and paying full attention to your lover as they talk is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.
Poet John Fox said it beautifully:
When someone deeply listens to you
it is like holding out a dented cup
you’ve had since childhood
and watching it fill up with
cold, fresh water.
When it balances on top of the brim,
you are understood.
When it overflows and touches your skin,
you are loved . . .”10