CHAPTER 3
THE SECRET OF PLAYFULNESS
The main preoccupation of the Spanish is having a good time and they have a zest for life matched by few other peoples. They take childish pleasure in making the most of everything and grasp every opportunity to make merry.
You can learn more about a person in an hour of play than in a lifetime of conversation.
If there were a nation that could be dubbed Most Passionately Playful People on Earth, surely the Spanish would be it. Spaniards are well known for their unbridled enthusiasm for soccer (or “futbol”), but given half a chance, they can turn anything into a contest, game, or party.
Case in point:
On the last Wednesday of every August, the small town of Bunol, Spain, swells with thousands of lucky ticketholders from all over the world. Around eleven o’clock in the morning, truckloads of ripe tomatoes (more than 120,000 pounds) arrive in the city streets. Then one brave soul starts climbing to the top of a two-story-tall greased wooden pole. If successful, he touches a ham ensconced at the top of the pole, then throws a hefty slice of the cured pork down to the street below. (As one does.) This, of course, starts the firing of water cannons, which signals the start of (wait for it) the world’s biggest food fight.
For one hour, thousands of partygoers throw and mash tomatoes into each other’s faces, hair, and clothes in a chaotic frenzy of “fun.” It’s a wild tomato pasting, with every man for himself. Actually, it is every man and woman for themselves, and the event allows for a lot of touching, squishing, falling down together in a heap of laughter, marinara, and mock fighting. Messy but sensual play for the uninhibited (or desperately bored).
After an hour, when the streets are running red with the blood of ripe tomatoes, and the acid of the fruit is performing a citywide skin peel, there is another firing of water cannons and, just as suddenly as the festival began, the party is over. Fire trucks move in to spray down the streets, while people head to the local river to wash themselves off.
This annual affair is called La Tomatina and has been going on since 1945. Prior to 2013, up to fifty thousand people crammed into the city for this event, but it got too crazy, even for Spaniards, and thereafter it has become a coveted ticketed affair.
“Possible theories on how the Tomatina began include a local food fight among friends, a juvenile class war, a volley of tomatoes from bystanders at a carnival parade. . . . One popular theory is that disgruntled townspeople attacked city councilmen with tomatoes during a town celebration. Whatever happened to begin the tradition, it was enjoyed so much that it was repeated the next year, and the year after that, and so on.”1
There is no political or religious or romantic meaning to the mass tomato hurling. In other words, for seventy years the people of Spain have thrown tomatoes at each other for no logical reason. Somebody just thought it sounded like fun, and tens of thousands of fun-seeking Spaniards soon agreed.
And here I rest my case. Spaniards just wanna have fun.
Before we look into what we might learn from the people of Spain about adopting a more playful spirit, let’s begin with another question. What does playfulness have to do with passion and romance?
Glad you asked.
PLAYFULNESS AND ATTRACTION
If you want to remain attractive to, and attract, the opposite sex, you may want to consider upping your fun-to-be-around factor.
In one study, women ranked the following traits (out of sixteen possible ones) as most important to them in a long-term mate.2
1. kindness and understanding
2. sense of humor
3. fun loving
4. playful
Note that three out of four of the top traits that a woman wants in a man fall under the umbrella of playfulness.
Men placed similar importance on playful personalities in women. In fact, the trait men valued most in a woman was a sense of humor. A fun-loving nature was third, playfulness fifth. It may surprise the ladies to know that physical attractiveness came in at a low spot of number nine in the list of traits men said they most looked for in a long-term romantic partner.3
Researchers speculated that “a woman’s playfulness … may signal her youth and fertility.” I don’t know about that, but I do know that men love being around women who are positive, playful, and fun.4
From my casual observation of married couples over the years, I have to say that spouses who are generally upbeat, enthusiastic, and game for a new adventure together or can be quickly distracted into having some spontaneous fun and are easy laughers tend also to have passionate marriages.
Before I even saw Misty for the first time, it was her laugh that drew me to her. I heard this joyful laughter in the middle of a crowd of people, and it sounded, to me at the time, something like hope. I was going through one of the darkest periods of my life back then and felt compelled to follow the laughter to its source. And, oh man, what a source it turned out to be! But I’m ahead of myself. Let me back up and set the scene.
Every year, NewLife Ministries plans a fun trip that we offer to our radio listeners and supporters. Over a decade ago, my team and I were brainstorming ideas for the trip, when I suggested, “Why don’t we do a land cruise?”
“You mean, like a fake cruise?” my team asked.
“Yes!” I said with the kind of enthusiasm my staff has come to know means their lives are about to get interesting.
So NewLife booked a lovely hotel in Dana Point, California. Since we were landlocked, we hauled in truckloads of sand to spread over the lawn, then stationed fire pits here and there, where people could gather and visit. Going with the cruise theme, we had lots of buffets, even some at midnight. We provided plenty of “onboard entertainment.” The original host of TV’s The Newlywed Game, Bob Eubanks, drove down from Hollywood to emcee a special version of the classic game show, recruiting several couples from among our attendees as contestants. Long-married pop singers Billy Davis Jr. and Marilyn McCoo gave us a stellar performance one night. Then John Townsend and his band provided the music for the last evening, “NewLife Dance Night,” and it was anything but square.
The dance was held on the fake beach, and I was visiting with a few folks around a fire pit when I heard the aforementioned joyful laughter in the distance. Following the sound, I made my way over to a cluster of people who were obviously having a good time. It was then I first spied the owner of that infectious laugh. They were calling her Misty, and she had the face of an angel. Like, seriously. Find a picture of a beautiful Christmas angel, with fair blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes and a heavenly smile, and you’ve got Misty. I mumbled hello and had to use some real effort not to linger. But I forced myself to keep moving on, mingling with the crowd as I felt a good host should.
It was more than a year before I saw or talked to Misty again, but suffice it to say, I never forgot the melodious laughter of this mystery woman or the gleaming smile on her face. I could never have dreamed then, when I was going through so much private agony, that one day this sweet, funny, beautiful lady would become my wife.
Many years later, Misty’s playful spirit, joyful heart, and easy laughter continue to light up my life. A playful sense of humor is not only what first attracted me to Misty; it is still a key ingredient in the emotional super glue that keeps us bonded. Why, just the other day, Misty and I were out to lunch together at a cafe. She was irritated with me that day, for a reason I can’t remember now. As chance would have it, I said something funny at just the right moment. She did not want to laugh. She was angry with me and wanted to stay angry. But my comment was funny, very funny, and the laughter started to squeak out of her. She turned her head away from me, shielded her eyes and mouth, losing the battle against humor. She bent over, trying with all her might not to let out that laughter. But she failed, and failed miserably. She cried, she laughed so hard. People were staring, she laughed so hard. And I reveled in my victory! Truly it was our victory, because laughter and play had won over resentments and cold shoulders.
If you’ve read many books on marriage in the last three decades, you’ve probably heard of Dr. John Gottman. He is a marriage therapist famous for his “love lab,” where he spent years researching what makes some marriages last for a lifetime and what contributes to the massive failure of others. In time, he was able to predict with an amazing amount of accuracy which couples would stay together and which would eventually divorce. One of his significant findings was that couples who are playful have a better chance of remaining together. He found that a general habit of playfulness between partners—even in times of tension—helped soothe the inevitable hurts and mis-attunements that pop up in marriage.
In other words, prioritizing playfulness in your relationship is serious business if you want to enjoy passion for a lifetime.
PLAYFULNESS AND SEX
For sheer vitality and passion for life the Spanish have few equals, and whatever Spain can be accused of it’s never dull or boring.5
Passion has been in my DNA for generations.
Throwing tomatoes at each other for an hour may not be your cup of tea (or pot of pasta). Still, we can glean from our Spanish friends plenty of practical insights into how to put more play into our every day. Another positive stat about Spaniards is that—beyond being playful—they consistently show up as the most sexually happy folks in the world.
In a recent study of nearly ten thousand men and women from Spain, a whopping 90 percent said they were sexually satisfied. (And this satisfaction rose over time with a stable relationship as opposed to casual encounters, which is an encouraging statistic for those of us who value both passion and long-term commitment.) In contrast, only 48 percent of Americans report being sexually satisfied.6 This is a huge discrepancy, somewhat depressing for the American team. And not only do Spaniards find sex satisfying; they are also often cited in international surveys as being the world’s best lovers. In other words, they seem to be masterful at both receiving and giving sexual love.
Love Stats
THE WORLD’S BEST AND WORST LOVERS
Personal Note from Steve: It is not my observation that Germans are smelly or Turks are sweaty. I’m just reporting the conclusions of the researchers who put together this list.
| WORLD’S WORST LOVERS | WORLD’S BEST LOVERS |
| 1. Germany (too smelly) | 1. Spain |
| 2. England (too lazy) | 2. Brazil |
| 3. Sweden (too quick) | 3. Italy |
| 4. Holland (too dominating) | 4. France |
| 5. America (too rough) | 5. Ireland |
| 6. Greece (too lovey-dovey) | 6. South Africa |
| 7. Wales (too selfish) | 7. Australia |
| 8. Scotland (too loud) | 8. New Zealand |
| 9. Turkey (too sweaty) | 9. Denmark |
| 10. Russia (too hairy) | 10. Canada |
| “German Men Are World’s Worst Lovers . . .,” September 2009, The Telegraph: www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/6241440/German-men-are-worlds-worst-lovers-with-English-men-in-second-place.html. | |
I don’t know about you, but I can’t help but wonder, “What’s the deal here? Why are Spaniards enjoying significantly happier sex lives than the rest of the world?”
I don’t think it is a coincidence that a country that boasts such high sexual satisfaction is also known as the most playful country in the world. A playful attitude and enjoyment of sex go together like peas and carrots. This isn’t just true for the modern world; it has been so for centuries.
In the Old Testament, there is an interesting phrase about Isaac, who was found “sporting with Rebekah his wife” (Gen. 26:8 KJV). In the context of this story from the book of Genesis, it is clear that this married couple wasn’t playing badminton or Parcheesi.
I rather like the word sporting as a euphemism for sexual relations between husband and wife. For as I’ve hinted, and as sex therapists will agree, there is an undeniable connection between playfulness and the relaxed and passionate joy of sex. The more relaxed and playful we can be with our mates, the more fun and natural our intimate lives will be.
I wish I could tell you that I bounded into marriage with Misty as the fully formed husband of her dreams—a confident, playful, sexy Casanova.
The reality was that I had a lot to learn about joie de vivre in the ol’ marital boudoir. Thankfully, my new bride not only had a heart for joyful fun but also had a spirit of perseverance when it came to making our sex life all it could be.
We did not have sex before we were married, so both of us had high hopes for the honeymoon. If my memory is correct, I might have made a few boastful claims about how great that experience would prove to be for her. That might have been one of the dumbest things I’ve ever said, because the intimacy on our honeymoon was a long way from the sexy fireworks I’d promised Misty.
Let’s just say I did not know what I did not know.
A few months into our marriage, Misty casually asked me to take a look at a website of a health spa in Arizona where a pair of married physicians would be conducting a workshop on sexual intimacy. It was designed for people who were not experiencing fulfillment in this area of their marriage. I took a glance at the website and responded, “Oh, how nice and helpful.”
Then I looked at Misty’s raised eyebrows. My response quickly morphed into, “Ohhhhh, I get it,” accompanied by a hangdog expression on my face.
A willing spirit—in place of our pride—is all we need sometimes to change the course of our lives for the better. I called upon God to grant me an extra dose of it, and he provided. So to help me learn what I didn’t know that I didn’t know, we went to Arizona for five days and four nights.
I was careful to make sure that this sex camp, as I started jokingly calling it, was going to be led in a professional way and not organized by wild, kinky sex gurus in flowing robes, smelling of incense and impropriety. Everything checked out well. The first evening, however, was predictably uncomfortable. In the mix of about fifty participants were many who looked like the walking dead. We were each asked to share why we were there, and several couples admitted that the thrill was gone, the passion had passed, and for some the marriage was on life support.
Over the following days, Misty and I absorbed so much information that it changed how we related to each other both inside and outside the bedroom. If I had to sum up what we learned about how to make our sex life more fulfilling, I would say this: they taught us to remove the pressure and seriousness that can so subtly sabotage lovemaking and to relax, have fun, enjoy each other more. In other words, make sex more playful! It was especially fun to watch the transformation of the couples around us as the seminar progressed: wrinkled brows and tight lips relaxed into youthful smiles and laughter. The walking dead came alive as passion returned to their relationship. In just a handful of days, everyone there (except one holdout from England who refused to talk at all) began to journey from serious despair into the realm of playful joy. Lots of what we gleaned at the workshop is woven through the passion secrets presented in this book. Turns out that passion is less about sexual technique than about the joy in the journey, and about discovering intimacy with the whole person we married—soul, emotions, mind, and body.
Misty and I emerged from the desert of Arizona a different couple. We were not instantly better at anything, but we had insight into our problem, a path and a plan to make our marriage more about playful, sexy closeness than about an anxiety-producing, performance-based duty. When I look at who we were as a couple ten years ago and who we are today, there’s such a difference! Our intimacy is now full of excitement, playfulness, and even laughter at times. Good laughter. The kind that nurtures. With all our defects and deficiencies, we are becoming the couple we’ve always wanted to be. No longer bound by fear or a lack of wisdom. Free to experience what God has for all of us. We want that for you.
CULTIVATING YOUR OWN “ROMANCE” LANGUAGE
For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.7
A recent headline in the Daily Mail boasted, “Spain’s the Place to Live! Spanish Is the Happiest Language in the World—And Its People Are the Most in Love.” The reason for this conclusion? Spanish users send the most love-related stickers on Viber, a free communication network. (This was ahead of the romantic countries of France, Italy, and Brazil.)8 And in another study, scientists found that Spanish is the most positive language, using words like love and laughter more than does the language of any other major region in the world.
Not only does the Spanish language make liberal use of words associated with happiness, fun, and love, but also the sounds of its words, and even Spanish accents, are undeniably romantic. I mean, whose voice melted the hearts of women in the famous duet “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before”? Was it the reedy-twang of country singer Willy Nelson that made women swoon? Or was it the silken, warm, melted-chocolate, Spanish-accented voice of Julio Iglesias that made females go weak in the knees?
Recently a friend told me, “Even though I don’t speak fluent Spanish, I love speaking words of affection to my husband in Spanish. I will tell him, ‘Te amo, te quiero, te adoro,’ which means, ‘I love you, I want you, I adore you.’ But terms of endearment sound so much more sensual in another language.”
You don’t have to learn to speak fluent Spanish or Italian or French to take advantage of the romance of these languages. (Though learning a foreign language together could be a lot of fun and good for your marriage. More about that in a later chapter.) Just learn a few beautiful, romantic words or phrases in a Mediterranean language, then say them to your mate or pop them into a flirty text or email.
“I took my wife to France,” said one of my good buddies. “And when I asked if she wanted to go see l’Arc de Triomphe—using my best French accent—she looked at me as though I had just turned into Maurice Chevalier. Suddenly she wasn’t as interested in sightseeing in Paris as she was in hearing me pronounce more French phrases. Sometimes, even now, she will say, ‘Speak some French to me, baby.’ Don’t ask me why, but she finds it sexy. Hey, I’ll say ‘cordon bleu’ and sing ‘Frere Jaques’ all day if it puts her in that kind of mood!”
Another idea you can try to increase passion and playfulness, in plain old English, is to make your default vocabulary—especially around your mate—filled with words that are cheerful, optimistic, encouraging, loving, and flirty. Need some ideas to get you started?
Here are five phrases Misty tells me she loves hearing me say to her that make her feel loved and cherished, happy, and warm inside.
1. “Where did you come from?” This is my way of telling Misty that she is amazing, that I have no idea how she came up with some genius idea or thought she just shared. She knows it’s my way of saying that her insight blows me away so much that she must have come from another solar system! But whenever I ask her this question, my Indiana-born girl just adorably answers, “Muncie.”
2. “Will you marry me?” In a moment when I am suddenly overcome with appreciation of her, this question just naturally flows out of me. It’s also a way to tell her that I would marry her again on the spot if I had just met her today.
3. “I’d die for you.” This sentence pops out when I am in maximum love overload. I don’t know any other way to tell her how I feel. I’m at a loss for words to say all that is in my heart for Misty. I am not at the level of saying I would walk on shards of glass for her, because that would really hurt, but death, well, I would do it in a heartbeat.
4. “Could I put some nice lotion on your feet?” She always playfully replies, “Yes, nice lotion, not mean lotion, please.”
5. “If all I ever got to experience of you was your collar bone, it would be enough.” No explanation needed.
Here are five phrases Misty says to me that strengthen my love for her and my desire to stop everything and pursue her in every way possible.
1. “You know everything.” Obviously, I must admit I don’t know everything. (Though I’d love to believe I do at times.) But what Misty is communicating to my sometimes insecure man-soul is that she believes in me. She believes I know a lot about a few things that matter and are of real significance to me.
2. “You are my hero.” Misty is a strong and capable woman. But there are moments when she has needed me to show a certain kind of strength that she can lean into, and when—in these instances—she has called me her hero, well, nothing thrills me more. Every man has a boy inside him who longs to be a hero. I love it when I can be there for my wife, with all I have to give, in a moment when she needs my support.
3. “You own me.” Misty may say this to me in a moment when I walk in and do or say something romantic that sweeps her off her feet, or she may say it when she walks in on me holding our little girl in my arms, singing to her gently. Another way she communicates that I alone hold her heart is by saying, “There’s not another person on this planet I would rather live my life with.” This is Misty’s romantic equivalent of me telling her that I’d die for her. She usually says these things in a moment of contentment, when she’s aware that her heart is most at home with me, above anyone else.
4. “You smell so good, I can’t stand it.” I was at an airport, my flight delayed, time to kill, when I stumbled upon and purchased a man’s cologne made by Brook’s Brothers. I’d soon discover that this fragrance holds almost supernatural power over my wife. When I wear it, Misty clings to me, her nose nestled under the right side of my chin, hanging on to my shoulders for balance because she gets so weak in the knees. I’ve tried other colognes, but none of them make her fall as magically into my arms. Every woman has different “taste” in smells, but it’s truly worth finding out what your lady likes, especially if you like being nuzzled by her.
5. “Best sex ever.” No explanation required. However, this deserves a special note to the ladies reading this book: From my informal research with men, letting your husband know he has made you ecstatically happy in bed is unequivocally the most awe-inspiring, manliness-validating, “I want to take on the world!” motivating statement a wife can ever utter to a husband. Other than . . . well, I tried to come up with an other than, but quite simply, ladies, there is no other than. If you want to make your guy feel ten feet tall and leave the house walking on air, these three words should do the trick.
LOVE TO LINGER
Generally speaking . . . Americans have an inability to relax into sheer pleasure.
I love to relax.
“For the past two summers I’ve taught a class of American college students in Spain,” shared Cari Jenkins, a blogger and speaker from Denver, in an informal interview with a good friend of mine.9 “The minute I get to Spain, everything in the world seems to slow down to a relaxed pace. It’s like landing in an alternate universe. People walk slower, they seem to have time for each other, they love to linger over tapas and wine at outdoor cafes. At the coffee shops in Spain, people go there to drink coffee and gather in groups—small or large—to talk and laugh and share life. It is a culture shock to me, coming from Starbucks in the U.S., where everyone is huddled up with their favorite tech companion: a laptop, Kindle, or iPhone.
“Then there is all that gorgeous blue water around the country. The Mediterranean Sea itself seems to dictate a more leisurely pace to life. As in Italy, the mornings start slower; things shut down in the heat of the day. Meals happen sometimes at ten o’clock or eleven o’clock at night, with children up and playing after midnight, so that socializing can happen when the weather is cool outside for visiting.
“I hopped the train to London after a few weeks in Spain this summer, and when I got off the train there, I noticed—as in America—that everyone was walking fast, with a purpose, their phones to their ears. I almost felt dizzy, as if I had landed in a country where everything was moving three times as fast as it should be going.”
A blogger from Matador Network, one of the world’s biggest sites for travel writing, put it like this: “In the States we dig in to lunch at our desks, a power-bar on the run, fast food in the car, and get coffee to go; Spaniards almost never eat on the go and even in a big, busy city like Madrid, you’ll likely attract stares if you’re munching while walking down the street. Spaniards insist on making every meal, snack, and coffee break a sit-down affair, and often linger at the table afterwards to enjoy a lengthy sobremesa—an after-meal conversation.”10
What is play, really, other than relaxing into a state of pleasure and lingering there for as long as you want and can? Could the less hurried pace, the love of lingering, the willingness to pause long enough to play be part of the reason why there is such a high state of sexual satisfaction in Spain? Americans know all about the joys of vacation sex, when we finally turn off our phones, laptops, and minds to relax into pleasure and take time for long talks, unhurried meals, and good sex. Could it be that our Spanish friends have figured out a way to have vacation sex year round, by adopting a more relaxed and playful state of mind?
I love the word linger. It’s a word we don’t use much anymore in American homes or marriages. But it is a state of being that Misty and I love; the feeling of having an unrushed expanse of time to be with each other is one of the greatest pleasures. We’ve also discovered that lingering with each other in times of emptiness, sorrow, and despair is a great healing balm.
In 2008, Misty and I were set to embark on a cruise which began in Barcelona, Spain. The city was in all-out playful mode—as if the whole population were on Red Bull (or Toro Rojo)—after winning the UEFA Championship tournament. We walked through the famous La Rambla Market, a sprawling, colorful food market alive with the noise of celebrators and traditional Spanish music. We sidestepped street dancers flashing black and red fabrics as they moved in perfect step and rhythm. It was a wonderful time of smiling and laughter; Misty and I soaked in the joy of the moment. That was the sweet beginning to a beautiful and joy-filled ten-day Mediterranean experience we will always treasure. Part of what we cherish is the very sacred ending to our trip, though it was one of the most painful events we have experienced together. At the conclusion of our great adventure in Spain and beyond, our joys quickly turned to confusion and sorrow, as on our final day back in the great city of Barcelona, Misty miscarried.
Instead of running through the streets for the last-minute visits and souvenir shopping we had planned before packing up for the next day’s long plane ride home, we were in our hotel room. Misty was on the floor of our bathroom, doubled over in pain and protest and bleeding, gutted and heaving in the loss befalling us.
I was in shock and did not know what I could do other than to love my wife and stay with her in the pain. So that’s what I did, and as it turns out, it was what she needed.
Perhaps here is a good place for me to say that there is a time for lingering to savor the happy moments with one another and to celebrate playfully, but there is also a time for lingering with each other when your hearts are breaking. During our visits to the Mediterranean, and throughout our whole marriage as well, Misty and I have experienced both kinds of lingering. On this trip in particular, there was that magical, romantic day in Naples, the day of the pizza and the sea and the kiss. But here in Spain, we experienced the kind of lingering that requires stillness and allows space for deep, wrenching grief. Where no level of historical beauty or artifacts or poetic prose holds any interest or value anymore. Where all that matters is presence. The presence of God and of spouse. And attunement.
I also want to say this: You may both be doing everything you can to bring passion and romance to your relationship, then find you are hit with an unexpected loss, a sudden death, or some other sharp edge of reality that can’t be ignored. These times demand a shift in your attention, sometimes for months. But please don’t think this means you aren’t being passionate. Passion has many sides to it, like a diamond. Sometimes it looks like joyfully dancing in the street; sometimes it looks like holding your wife as she cries on your shoulder, and praying over her broken heart.
THE BODY BEAUTIFUL
When I say that all my women are dazzling beauties, they object. The nose of this one is too large; the hips of another, they are too wide; perhaps the breasts of a third, they are too small. But I see these women for how they truly are—glorious, radiant, spectacular, and perfect—because I am not limited by my eyesight. Women react to me the way that they do, Don Octavio, because they sense that I search out the beauty that dwells within, until it overwhelms everything else.
Legendary Spanish lover Don Juan got a lot of things right. He saw that a woman’s true beauty comes from within and that outer beauty comes in many forms. He knew it is the eye of the beholder, as much as the subject itself, that makes up a moment of dazzling beauty.
On the other hand, there is the pesky issue of Don Juan moving from woman to woman, lover to lover, like a frisky Spanish rabbit. This is definitely not a practice that will win men any applause from their wives. In fact, the only thing it will yield is a hefty stack of divorce papers. So I am not advocating the promiscuity of Don Juan here to anyone. But I am saying that good, faithful American husbands can learn a lot from Spanish romantics about how to be a more passionate lover to their one and only beloved wife.
As she warmed to her memories of those summers in Spain, Cari (the blogger and speaker from Denver) talked about the differences between American and Spanish cultures, especially in their view of the body and beauty. “I’ll tell you something that really surprised me. I feel more like a woman the minute I arrive in Spain. I feel more sensual, more feminine. They are, as a people, amazingly aware, accepting, and appreciative of the human body. Not in the way Americans are body self-conscious. They are simply body conscious, aware of the wonder of the human body, and people of all ages and sizes seem to feel comfortable and sexy in whatever skin they happen to be in. For example, you would think that since most of the beaches in Spain allow nudity, only the most perfect bodies would show up to sunbathe. But no. You see every size and shape of woman there in complete comfort, embracing her body just as it is—whether she is twenty or seventy-five, whether she is tall, short, thin, or round. Back in America, I am instantly conscious of every part of my body that is not perfect. I reach for a shrug or a sweater to cover up my upper arms, which seem suddenly too big. In Spain, I am conscious that my body, as it is, is already perfect. I wear spaghetti straps there and never think about how my arms look. I feel beautiful just because I am a woman.
“In addition, what Americans would consider flirting is just the way Spanish men and women, of all ages, talk to everyone, everywhere. There is lots of eye contact, touching, knowing smiles, laughter, intense questions, and honest confessions. I think this too adds to the feeling of sensuousness in Spain and is probably why they enjoy talking with each other so much more than staring into an iPhone. Just chatting is very entertaining there!”
Cari admitted that things were far from perfect in Spain. The economy is awful right now, and many are out of work. People are incredibly friendly and love meeting up at cafes, but it can be hard to make deep, intimate friendships. They rarely invite guests, other than family, into their homes. There’s a strong distaste for the church and religion, thanks to oppressive religious dictators in the country’s past, and therefore meaningful conversations about God don’t happen much. No country is perfect; no one country has it all. But Spain has learned something vital about keeping passion alive and never losing your playful child-heart.
PLAYFUL ART OF DANCING
In my house . . . there was always music, and everybody was dancing. . . . Not hippie, but very free.
I’ll never forget going to meet Misty’s parents in Muncie, Indiana, in the home where she had once lived as a teenager with her family. We drove onto a street that looked a lot like the street where I grew up. We pulled into the driveway of a house that also looked like the house of my youth. We walked in, and I immediately noticed that her childhood home had almost the exact same floor plan as that of my childhood home back in Texas: it was a small, ranch-style brick home with bedrooms to the right of the entrance and a living area to the left.
However, one part of this little home was glaringly different from the one I had grown up in, and I gasped when I stumbled into it. Her parents opened the door to the garage, and I knew that my childhood and Misty’s were worlds apart.
We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.
—GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
The Byrd family garage looked like a combination soda fountain and record shop. A neon Rockin’ Robin sign shone above while a Wurlitzer jukebox filled the room with sounds from the 1950s and early ’60s. Misty’s father was a record collector and cataloger. Mike was never affluent, but over forty years he’d pay twenty-five cents for a record, or a stack of them, here and there. Flea market by flea market and garage sale by garage sale, he built his collection to more than two hundred thousand stellar records from that very special midcentury era he loved so much. Name a song from that era, and my bet is that my father-in-law could have found it, put it on his turntable, and spun you back five or six decades in a few minutes’ time. And he would have crooned along to the tune while his four girls danced and laughed and doo-wopped in the background. When Mike Byrd passed away, he left his family with many precious gifts, and memories of the playful, life-giving enjoyment of music and dancing are some that my wife cherishes the most.
Remember the NewLife land cruise from the opening of this chapter? Well, there is a little more to the story of that night after I first locked eyes with Misty of the Beautiful Laugh. After my buddy John Townsend’s band played a few numbers, John stepped off the stage during their next song and joined me down on the dance floor. He and I wanted to make sure that everyone in attendance got a chance to dance if they wanted to. We even found some guests in wheelchairs and spun them around, so they might feel as light on their wheels as other guests felt on their heels. It was so much fun. Then, as John jumped up to rejoin the band, a woman who had been standing near Misty mentioned to me that Misty had not yet had a turn on the floor.
More Benefits of Playfulness
• Playful folks are smarter and wiser as they age. A study conducted at Penn State focused on the elderly. It showed that playfulness in later life is associated with better cognitive and emotional functioning.
• Playful people have less stress. University of Illinois associate professor and playfulness expert Lynn A. Barnett says, “People who are playful don’t run away from stress, they deal with it—they don’t do avoidance.” Because of this, they actually experience less stress overall.
• Playful people are self-entertaining and rarely bored. In another study, Barnett discovered that playful people were more adept at keeping themselves entertained when they were forced to sit in an empty room. “The low-playfulness people hated it.They couldn’t wait to get out of there,” says Barnett. The playful folks actually enjoyed sitting in the boring room, even though they didn’t do anything the researchers could observe. “They were just in their heads—they entertained themselves,” she says.
I extended my hand and invited Misty to dance. Fun and brief, our moment probably seemed insignificant to any onlookers, as Misty was one of many people I danced with that night. But I never forgot it. A year later, when I was in a better place emotionally, I got the courage up to ask Misty out on a date, and we danced again.
We’ve not stopped dancing since.
If the music is right, we will dance in a mall, a hall, a charity ball, or anywhere we feel the rhythm and desire to move together. Back when I was in college and seminary, I loved dancing. But it was one of those hobbies that fell away as decades passed and life seemed to get more serious. Misty not only brought laughter to my life; she also revived my love for music and dancing. We often have music play in our home, so it’s natural for us to dance into each other’s arms, kitchen or bathroom, get into the rhythm of the song and the cadence of each other’s heartbeat. The kids are used to seeing Mom and Dad fall into a swing step while dinner is cooking, or ease into a waltz while steaks are grilling on the patio. They love it, and we’re now teaching them a few of our moves so they can join in on the fun.
Love is tango and tango is love! Yes, it is a dance, yet so much more than just any dance. It is an ongoing conversation between two souls, two hearts and two bodies. It is a sacred dance we enter in with one another, where both “masculine” and “feminine” feel fully expressed and honored.
—ILONA GLINARSKY, DANCE INSTRUCTOR
Salsa. The tango. Flamenco dancing. Spain produced some of the world’s sexiest dancing. The tango, for example, is basically a dramatic two-person play of sexual tension, set to music. It’s a sexy, flirtatious dance in which your feet are going the same direction in a passionate, determined fashion but the woman’s head is turned sharply away from the man’s, as if to say, “You’ll have to work to get my eyes and attention. You’ll have to chase me, baby, if you want to catch me.”
Dancing is as close to making love as you can get with your clothes and slick-soled shoes on. And the Spanish dances are all about romance, flirting, highlighting the polarity of the two sexes, the come-hither push-pull of the human mating ritual.
Which is probably part of the reason why lots of Southern Baptists who grew up in my era learned a chant that went, “I don’t drink, dance, smoke, or chew—and I don’t go out with girls who do.” My parents were Southern Baptists who did not drink, but when it came to dancing, they couldn’t say no. My father came from a family who danced. One of the sweetest memories I have of my grandparents is the day they cleared the living room at their lake home and danced a polka in perfect step with each other. My grandfather, “Dad Art,” had a presence and personality much like John Wayne’s. What I caught from him that night was that a Southern gentleman could be tough enough to fight for his woman but also gentle enough to dance with her.
A few years ago, I had the great privilege of filling in for Rick Warren, preaching five services in one weekend at Saddleback Church. After I preached one of the services, the mood was especially light, and the worship musicians struck up a rousing number, full of brass and drums, that set my feet to moving. I glanced at Misty, who’d been sitting in the front row. She returned my come-hither look, and we did what comes naturally. She stepped into my arms, and we began moving to a rock-step swing beat. I twirled Misty up the aisle and swung her down front in that megachurch Southern Baptist auditorium. Parishioners who were mingling on their way out of the church paused and smiled in our direction.
We could not help ourselves. When we stopped dancing, we heard spontaneous applause from many who’d lingered to watch. Somehow I think God was smiling right along with us all. Throughout all of Scripture, dancing was a part of the worship experience, as it still is in many cultures. Even babies in diapers will start bouncing and rocking to the beat of music; dance seems to be hardwired into our DNA.
There are shortcuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them.
—VICKI BAUM
I love it when others get inspired by our joy of dancing and decide to take a lesson or two themselves. One couple who are friends of ours decided to take tango lessons. But because the wife kept trying to lead, the instructor had her close her eyes. She was amazed at how this allowed her to let go, trust her partner, and dance more in flow. Dancing, like passion, is about surrendering—without fully knowing what lies ahead—to the feelings of attraction and excitement and love in our relationship. In dancing, a woman trusts her partner to lead and guide her with the smallest amount of pressure from his hands on her waist and hand, without a word. She can literally close her eyes and surrender to the music and his touch.
It requires two people being completely attuned and present in the moment, which is one of the beautiful things about dancing—all the chatter in your mind has to stop while you succumb to the sway of the music together.
LOVE OF LAUGHTER
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
One thing that I am proud of: I am really capable of laughing at myself.
If you were to take a walk on a summer’s eve in Spain, you would hear the sounds of music and talking, but above it all, you’d hear laughter. Spaniards love to laugh, which is a sign of a playful spirit.
When was the last time you laughed so hard that you doubled over or almost cried? Afterward, didn’t you experience a wonderful feeling of having let go of stress, a sense of general well-being, a good tired? Laughing leaves us spent in the most marvelous of ways. In fact, laughter is up there with good sex for its ability to relieve stress and foster a feeling of connection between spouses.
At the beginning of this chapter, you may recall, I said that the number one trait a man desires in a woman he wants to be with over the long haul of life is that she have a sense of humor. Because I have adult ADHD, Misty’s sense of humor has been one of our marriage’s saving graces. Not only does she find me more amusing than irritating, but also she has a sharp wit that cracks me up on a regular basis. That helps me laugh at myself instead of get frustrated with my inability to focus. A sense of humor has helped ease so many of our adjustments to marriage and has served to both make our marriage lots of fun and add to the passion in our relationship.
It also greases the skids for our kids. A while back, our boy Carter was complaining about one of his baseball coaches at school. The coach may have known about baseball, but in regard to his coaching style, he was more like a “my way or the highway” military sergeant, sternly barking orders, shouting at the players about what to do and how they needed to do it—seven minutes ago! Never looked the kids in the eye.
Misty and I could see Carter’s frustration. To help him relax, Misty encouraged Carter, “Oh, honey, I sure understand. You’re just used to Steve. He’s a little different from the barking type of coach. Can you imagine how Steve would do it? ‘Okay, everyone, we are going to play baseball.’”
Taking a cue from Misty, I mimicked the stance of a coach about to give his team the plan. “Okay, okay, okay,” I said in my best hyperactive coach voice. “It looks like we have these four bases out there. No wait, I forgot the hump in the middle. Three of you go get on the three of those bases out there, and I’ll put the throwing dude on the hump in the middle. If you see the ball coming to you, get it. Catch it. Throw it. Or touch the guy running by you.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw Misty starting to lose it. That’s all the encouragement I needed. “Okay, now somebody jump on the hump and throw the ball to their guy with the stick. Wait, wait. Just . . . act like you’re throwing it to him but trick him and make him miss. Okay, alright, okay, I need someone behind the stick man, to get down on one knee to throw the ball back to the guy on the hump. Okay, okay, now, see all that space out there behind the bases? We need three guys spread out back there. You three boys get the ball and throw it where the runner is headed. Okay, now throw it to the man with the stick, and let’s see what happens!”
At this point, Misty was rolling on the floor. Carter was cracking up as well, the tension in his face replaced by can’t-breathe laughter.
Once the comedy bit was over and the laughter had settled, I caught Misty looking at me in that way that said, “I love how you make us laugh.” A moment later, the snickers started back up, and we were all laughing again for a second round.
Misty often tells me that laughter is a wonderful precursor for her to more intimacy with me. When couples laugh together, they are in agreement (that something is funny). Private jokes between spouses create a bond of mutual understanding and comic memories. Laughing together helps create safety, allows us to let our guard down and enjoy the pleasure of being known, flaws and all. All this is to say, men would be wise to maximize the laughter quotient in their marriage, especially if they want to increase the passion quotient.
Actress Joanne Woodward was married to heartthrob-handsome Paul Newman for fifty years before his death in 2008. When asked about their secret to lifelong attraction, she said, “Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that is a treat.” Perhaps the greatest bargain in the world is laughter. It costs nothing, defies age, bonds you with others, makes you seem sexier than you really are, and helps everyone feel almost instantly better. And if you can make someone laugh, you win. Even when there is no competition.
WORK TO LIVE
I always knew I wanted a family, because of the way I grew up. Family has always been the most important thing.
The people of Spain (and several other Mediterranean countries) tend to work to live; they do not live to work. I would like to think it is because they simply have their priorities straight, especially on the importance of family life.
“In Spain work fits around social and family life, not vice versa. The foundation of Spanish society is the family and community, and the Spanish are noted for their close family ties, their love of children and care for the elderly (who are rarely abandoned in nursing homes).”11
Because my work for NewLife and as a speaker requires me to be away from home at times, I stay connected as much as possible. I leave notes, and I will call and text while traveling. Through the modern marvel of FaceTime and Skype, we have eaten dinner together as a family when I am thousands of miles away. I’m so thankful that fun and laughter and love can be transferred over the internet when I have to be away.
Before I get home, usually while on the plane or in my hotel room, I design and write letters and cards (more on this in chapter 5) and pick up surprises for everyone. This helps me shift my focus to my family. When I arrive home, it is essential that I am truly there, in every sense of the word. This past fall was heavy with travel. I went to Ireland for ten days and then to Brazil for several days, followed by a few days in Nebraska. This meant a lot of activity and new experiences that my high-energy personality loves, but I wasn’t prepared for how wiped out I’d be after all that back-to-back international travel. I couldn’t wait to get home! The temptation might have been to walk in the door, share all my fascinating experiences, and then go lie down for a twenty-four-hour nap. But I’ve learned to put my stories from the road on hold for a few hours while I put my focus 100 percent on my love for and desire to see my wife and kids. They need to know that they are my life, my number one priority, and that no matter where I go in the world, there is one locale that matters more to me than anything, and that is a place called home.
If my work and family life get out of balance, and it has, Misty lets me know. She brings it up in a conversation and we discuss it. Then I will realize I’ve veered off track, make necessary adjustments in my schedule again, and everyone’s mood shifts for the better.
Guys, here’s one way to test whether you are a “fun dad” to your kids: when you walk in the door after a long day or a short trip away, do your children run toward you, smiling? Or do they slink away quietly, giving you space? Those first few minutes when you enter the house are fraught with significance. Take time to greet the kids in a positive, playful way. Hug, tickle, laugh, and react with enthusiasm to whatever they want to show or tell you.
Then find that lovely wife of yours, twirl her around, maybe lower her into a fancy dance dip, and tell her, in your best Antonio Banderas accent, that her personal Don Juan has arrived to make all her dreams come true. Offer to take her upstairs and make passionate love to her—or wash some dishes or entertain the kids while she catches her breath.
Whatever you do, just do it in sincere delight in your family. Play.
Then stand back and watch the needle on the passion meter in your marriage start to rise.
Thirteen Ways to Keep Your Love Playful
1. Watch a movie or play together that is guaranteed to make you both laugh. A few of our favorites are Elf, Ground Hog Day, and The Princess Bride.
2. Choose to laugh more, criticize less. Make the family dinner table a time of laughter and fun by making it a criticism-free zone. Ask each other to share the most embarrassing experiences or the funniest or happiest moments that occurred during the week.
3. We Americans often keep our minds on fast-forward, for a variety of reasons: our work ethic, too many activities, the culture of social media and the internet. We place a high value on efficiency and getting things done quickly. Give yourselves permission to set aside a period of time every day to slow down and linger—both alone with yourself, to spend in prayer or meditation and letting go of worries, and with each other, as a way to bless one another with your focus and presence and love. Put away the technology during these times. Think like a Spaniard and slow down.
4. Ask yourselves, “Are we living to work or working to live?” Talk about the work/life balance and ways to prioritize your life outside of work, especially if work has begun to creep up and diminish your ability to relax, play, turn off the noise in your head, and be fully present to each other.
5. If you love to dance but haven’t done it for a while, consider going out for an evening of dinner and dancing. While you cook or relax at home, play music that makes you want to take your mate in your arms and tango or salsa your way round the kitchen. Or take some Latin dance lessons.
6. Become body conscious but not body self-conscious. In other words, show gratitude and appreciation for your own body by treating it well, and show your mate how much you love and appreciate their body too, with words of affirmation, a playful wink and a sexy pat, a gentle caress. Never criticize your spouse’s body. Be especially careful to keep your eyes on the prize of your partner when out in public, showering them with your loving gazes. Don’t look around the room or stare at other attractive people; your mate deserves your eyes to be on him or her and to feel, in your presence, that they are the most desirable person in the room.
7. Is your sex life playful? Do you take the time you need to linger before, during, and after sex, to deeply connect? (Quickies can also be playful and fun; just make sure you also make time for unhurried lovemaking.)
8. Play a game, indoor or out, that you know puts people in a playful mood. Twister, Pictionary, Taboo, and charades generally lead to some good laughs. Set up a croquet or badminton set in the backyard, where dinner on the patio can lead to some spontaneous game playing. Keep a Frisbee, a football, an oversized plastic ball and bat, a kickball, or a big bottle of soap bubbles handy in a basket on the porch for easy fun. Let yourselves play and be kids at heart again.
9. Go out to a family-friendly comedy club or improv theater. These can be a blast, and often the audience gets to participate, so it’s more than passive entertainment.
10. Be an easy laugher—that is, be on the lookout for humor in life, note the everyday quirks that make humans so endearingly funny, and share them at dinner. Learn to laugh at yourself and see more of your flaws and mistakes as humorous rather than something to get anxious about. Make a habit of sharing funny quotes, cartoons, memes, or anecdotes with your mate via text, email, and Facebook during the day when you are away from each other. Send a playful, flirty text once a day to your spouse, something you know will make them smile or laugh, lift their spirits, and make them look forward to seeing you at the end of the day. Anybody can cultivate a better sense of humor!
11. Make your own romance language. Learn a few sexy or romantic phrases or terms of endearment in Spanish, Italian, or French that are just between the two of you. Also, check out your ratio of positive to negative words in your personal vocabulary. Emphasize being more positive in your communication style to your mate and your kids; be more upbeat and enthusiastic whenever you can. This doesn’t mean being fake when you are sad or struggling, but for many people, being negative has become a habit, a way of seeking sympathy or getting attention. Try being the family encourager and look for ways to build up your mate.
12. Get away to do nothing but play. Americans are amazing at turning even their vacations into opportunities to catch up on work. Get away somewhere that will force you to unplug from routine, encourage you to relax in a new environment, and most of all remind you to play! For some couples, this could be camping; for others, it means heading to the beach; for still others, it is a weekend getaway to a great online deal at a fancy hotel. It could also be as simple as going for a walk together on a nice evening, in a new neighborhood or around a new park. Doing anything new, even trying out a new restaurant, stimulates endorphins in the brain, evoking feelings of happiness.
13. Talk about favorite childhood play. What did you love doing as a kid on summer days or summer eves? How did you keep yourself entertained? Just sharing these memories can put you in a dreamy, connected, playful mood. Surprise each other with spontaneous fun. Get up off the couch, turn off the TV, and announce, “Everybody pile in the car. We’re going to play minigolf (or go bowling or biking) and then get an ice cream cone!”