CHAPTER 4
THE SECRET OF SAVORING FOOD
You feed the people nearest and dearest to you—and you feed them well. We all know that eating can be sensual . . . A good meal has the power to recharge a relationship because eating can be soothing and sexually stimulating all at the same time.
In a scene from the movie Julie and Julia, the camera opens to Paul and Julia Child dining together in a Parisian restaurant. The waiter glides to the table and serves them a filet of sole that has been baptized and simmered in brown butter. Julia takes a bite of the fish, and her expression turns to one of pure rapture. Then, in a ritual familiar to all couples who love each other and good food, she says, “You have to taste this” and feeds her husband a sampling of the exquisite dish. They are both so taken with this perfect bite that neither can put words to the experience; they manage only to mutter and sputter until Paul answers his wife’s wordless, almost tearful expression of wonderment by nodding and agreeing, “I know. I know. I know.”
In her book My Life in France, Julia recalled this meal, her first in Paris, as the most exciting of her life. Little did she know then that a fire of passion was being lit that would soon burst into flame and change the world of cooking for all time.
It is also one of my favorite scenes in the movie, a glimpse into how sharing sumptuous food with your love can prompt feelings of passion and connection. This short scene masterfully shows how food engages all the senses—the appetizing sight of the fish served in the copper pan it was cooked in, the tantalizing aroma (in the scene, Julia inhales the scent and dreamily pronounces it: “Butter”), the tactile sensation as the flakey meat is lifted from the bone, the sounds of sizzling, and finally the delicious taste exploding on the tongue. Food, when done well, is one of the rare treats given to humankind that can deliver a sort of “full-body experience” of ecstasy. When food is prepared with skill and love, and we take the time to delight in it together as a couple, it can drench our senses with pleasure.
In France, cooking is a serious art form and a national sport.
—PAUL CHILD, MY LIFE IN FRANCE
Perhaps the old saying “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” is at least partially true. For food and love have been intertwined since the beginning of time.
One of the mysteries to Mediterranean passion is the seductive mingling of food and sensuality, pleasure, and love. Though France is most famous for producing the world’s greatest chefs, Italy, Greece, Spain, and Israel are all known for their colorful, intensely flavorful dishes. And all of these countries are passionate about growing, cooking, serving, and savoring food in ways that escape the average “let’s hurry up and eat” mentality of American couples.
How can learning to revel in food experiences increase the passion in your life and marriage? Let me count the ways.
GOURMET APPETITES IN THE KITCHEN AND BEDROOM
People who really enjoy food tend to be sensual . . . It comes with the territory of taking pleasure in the physical elements of life. One of those elements is, well, food. But another . . . is sex. Two physical things that keep humanity rolling. Two very basic needs, and two very basic desires . . . both . . . should be relished.
Perhaps because there is an undeniable link between food and sex, many of the words we use regarding the two are similar: luscious, hunger, temptation, appetite, sizzling, satiated, satisfied. I think God created both food and sex to be pleasurable because, well, he loves us and wants us to taste the pure joy of multisensory human experiences. (A preview, perhaps, of heaven’s bliss?) Because, yes, he is just that good. And also because there is something vitally sustaining about these experiences. We need to eat regularly to live and be healthy; couples need to come together for intimacy regularly in order to live happily and healthily in lifelong passion.
In her charming memoir Lunch in Paris, Elizabeth Bard wrote about falling in love and eventually marrying a Frenchman in Paris. He wooed her with food, whipping up incredibly tasty dishes with the sparsest of ingredients in a ninety-nine-cent pan in his tiny apartment. She believed that her open admiration and enjoyment of his simple gourmet cooking is part of what made her irresistibly alluring to him. She put it this way: “It’s simple: Women who pick at their food hate sex. Women who suck the meat off of lobster claws, order (and finish) dessert—these are the women who are going to rip your clothes off and come back for seconds.”1
Hmmm. Food for thought, ladies and gentlemen.
FOOD, SCIENCE, AND SEX
Seduction in Italy begins at the table as food and sex are inextricably linked.
The overlap in the brain between food and sex is so profound that it’s no surprise these two primal passions often dovetail in real life. Indeed, there are some fascinating studies that look at the link between food and sex.
Researchers have found, perhaps not too shockingly, that well-fed women are much more likely to want to have sex than hungry women. This is because the body of a woman who is fed produces the hormone leptin, which allows the sex hormones to work their magic in the brain. When a woman is hungry, leptin drops, and the hormones of desire go with it. So guys, every bite she takes helps get you closer to the bedroom.3 Another intriguing bit of food-sex science: when you train your brain to detect flavor nuances in wine or food, it is like cross-training. The benefits of becoming more of a gourmet cross over from the kitchen and dining room into the bedroom. “Experiencing new sensations—or finding new nuance in familiar ones—can create physical brain changes that make us more perceptive eaters and better lovers,” says Adam Pack, PhD, a neuroscientist at Utica College.4 Beverly Whipple, PhD, coauthor of The Science of Orgasm, agrees. “We literally taste, smell, and consume our lovers. The way the food looks, its texture, its aroma . . . all these things can spill over into your sex life, too.”5
You may think that loving and enjoying food this much would lead to obesity and possibly put a big damper on your sex life. Au contraire. Researchers at Cornell University discovered that “those who had eaten the widest variety of eccentric foods, from beef tongue to kimchi, also reported high levels of physical activity, love for cooking, interest in nutrition and health, and arguably the most compelling finding, had the lowest BMIs. That’s right. Those who had the greatest vested interest in food were also those within the normal healthy weight range.”6
There is no doubt that good food is more appreciated and savored in Mediterranean countries. And yet in these nations the obesity level is lower, and the health of the population is higher, than in America. Could this be, in part, because the people of these countries respect and honor food more? In fact, could it be that the problem with American diets is not that we love food too much but that we love (and respect) it too little?
When people who consider themselves foodies practice eating Mediterranean style, by slowing down and enjoying food as one of life’s great pleasures, they reap health benefits. “Self-described foodies may love food and spend an [inordinately] large portion of their day revolved around finding the newest food fad, taste bud–provoking meals, and niche restaurants, but that love is coupled with respect. They don’t overdo it and, according to the recent findings, balance their meals with fitness.”7
It only makes sense that if we alter our mindset from fast food– based eating to slower, gourmet tastes, this will spill over into other areas of our life, particularly our love life. For example, I think pornography is akin to drive-through junk food for the mind. Making love to your beloved, however, starting with flirting in the morning and ending with limbs entwined in the evening—now, that is more like a seven-course meal, God’s intention for gourmet sex. Porn is fleeting and cheap, and though it may give some intense and immediate physical release, there is, beneath it, an ongoing hunger, an ache in the belly for something more. Something that deeply satisfies us body, heart, and soul. Intimate sex is rich Swiss cheese fondue on fresh, warm, crusty ciabatta. Porn is canned cheese on a cracker. One is the culmination of all the elements of Mediterranean passion. The other is the elimination of everything but momentary relief, without really satisfying what the heart is craving. We don’t condone porn or manufactured cheese products.
COOKING UP PASSION
Cooking is like sex; it’s about giving pleasure.
Through all the world there goes one long cry from the heart of the artist: Give me a chance to do my best.
The award-winning foreign film Babette’s Feast is about a French chef who escapes Paris during a dangerous civil war and is taken in by simple Norwegian sisters. They have no idea of the depths of her talent. She cooks with the ingredients they give her: lutefisk and other colorless and tasteless foods.
Then one day, Babette asks to create a feast for the sisters and her Lutheran friends. There follows scene after scene of exotic and expensive ingredients arriving by boat, including a live turtle and many bottles of the best French wine. Then the camera takes us to the kitchen, where Babette’s talents as a chef are unleashed. She works happily and tirelessly behind the scenes as she cooks and serves a sumptuous meal paired with the perfect wines. As the stoic Lutherans begin to eat and sip, they are transformed and softened before our eyes by the beauty and taste of the food, the warmth of the wine in their bellies. They relax and offer forgiveness to each other for past hurts, their stiff upper lips relax into smiles, and they give God praise for this healing and joyful feast.
Toward the end of the movie, the sisters discover that Babette spent every penny of her life savings on this one meal. The sisters are heartbroken that now Babette will be poor for the rest of her life. But Babette begs to differ. “No, I shall never be poor. I told you that I am a great artist. A great artist, mesdames, is never poor. We have something, mesdames, of which other people know nothing.”
The something of which Babette speaks is twofold: first, she has the gift of giving others a unique and great pleasure; second, she has been given a chance to do her very best work, to perform her artistry with food, which is, in and of itself, the ultimate pleasure. Babette insists that though her friends enjoyed a delightful meal, she received the greater pleasure from imagining, creating, cooking, and serving the meal.
When we cook with each other and for each other, with love and passion, whether it is a simple pasta from a dollar store pan or a seven-course French feast, we are performing artists, putting our creativity and talents on a plate.
When Misty and I are at home without the tyranny of the clock pushing our schedules, we love to cook together. If we hit all the right notes, we create something so delicious and aromatic, the memory lingers for days.
We’ve nicknamed one of our favorite dishes the Three-Hour Salad. We stand and visit and sip and laugh while we each grab a cutting board and a sharp knife and peel, chop, or dice whatever looks interesting in the fridge and pantry. The sights and smells of crisp garden veggies and savory herbs fill the kitchen with the colors and aromas of Eden. There’s something inspiring about combining foods fresh from the earth, in a vivid array of hues, that feels surprisingly artistic. When salad is the main dish, we either bake or buy a loaf of bread to go with it, and the smell of that warm bread in the oven makes us feel even more like we are in a Mediterranean villa, preparing dinner together. Then we whip up our favorite dressing of lime, honey, and cilantro and drizzle it all over the chopped veggies. When we are done, the salad is a mosaic of food! And because you can munch on big salads for what seems like forever without getting full or hitting the bottom of your bowl, it feels like the whole affair—from chopping to the last bite—lasts for hours. Thus the name the Three-Hour Salad.
Over Thanksgiving we made twelve pumpkin pies together—from actual pumpkins. (You can imagine how the kids loved the mess!) And we’re big on soups at our house. With six mouths to feed, a pot of fragrant soup simmering on the stove is easy to make, budget friendly, healthy, and delicious. And though most soups start with a good broth, everything else that goes in is limited only by your imagination and taste buds, which makes soup another fun dish to cook together. The kids too like to add a little of this and a little of that until we’ve made a soup as unique as the sous chefs who had a part in its creation.
DINING OUT AND DESIRE
I felt once more how simple and frugal a thing is happiness: a glass of wine, a roast chestnut, a wretched little brazier, the sound of the sea. Nothing else.
—NIKOS KAZANTZAKIS, ZORBA THE GREEK
Have you ever recreated a recipe—say, your mom’s chicken soup—and even though you did everything technically right, you notice that it just doesn’t taste the same as when she cooked it and served it with love? Part of the reason may be that love is an actual ingredient. But there’s something else at play. When you cook for yourself, you tend to taste as you cook; you know everything that went into the meal. And it can be a wonderfully satisfying dish. However, when someone else cooks for you, there is an element of newness and surprise. Your palate is clean, and you tuck into the dish with anticipation, not knowing how it will taste. And when that first bite turns out to be layered with flavor, surprisingly delicious, it can be a real rush, one of life’s succulent pleasures.
Ten Foods Considered to Be Natural Aphrodisiacs8
1. Cinnamon: Eating cinnamon heats up your body and, in turn, your sex drive. Cinnamon also has anti-inflammatory properties, and can help normalize blood sugar.
2. Pine Nuts: Loaded with zinc, which is essential for producing testosterone, pine nuts have reportedly provided men with sexual stamina since the Middle Ages. Grind them up with basil, garlic, and olive oil for a delicious pesto.
3. Cardamom: In the Arabian Nights, you can read of the use of this ancient spice as an aphrodisiac. The spice comes in pods, which you can grind for use as needed. Cardamom is warming and pungent, and can increase blood flow, which probably accounts for its aphrodisiac properties. [No wonder I loved this tea from the first sip!]
4. Celery: This crunchy, aromatic vegetable serves as a flavor base for soups and stews in cuisines around the world. It is also high in essential nutrients necessary for great sex, and it contains two chemicals—androsterone and adrostenol—which serve as a sexual attractant when ingested.
5. Avocado: This silky, mild fruit has a reputation as an aphrodisiac extending back to ancient Aztec times. In fact, the Aztecs called the avocado tree “Ahuacuatl,” which translates to “testicle tree.”
6. Almonds: These nuts are an ancient symbol of fertility extending back to biblical times. The sweet fragrance may also serve as a sexual attractant. [Almonds are also high in beneficial fats, fiber, and vitamin E.]
7. Honey: Rich in B vitamins, organic raw honey supports testosterone production, which can increase desire. It also contains the boron used in estrogen production, which is important for female desire.
8. Ginger: Just like chili peppers, ginger spices things up and increases circulation and body temperature. In fact, legend says famous French courtesan Madame du Barry provided ginger to all of her lovers to increase their desire and improve their pleasure.
9. Chocolate: Pure, dark chocolate has a centuries-old reputation as an aphrodisiac. Chocolate contains phenylethylamine (PEA), which stimulates the same hormone your body releases during sex. It also sparks dopamine production in the brain. It doesn’t take much. Try a square or two of low-sugar, vegan dark chocolate.
10. Red wine: In moderation, red wine increases blood flow, relaxes you, and lowers inhibitions. Have a few ounces of red wine, but don’t overdo it.
The element of pleasurable surprise is one of the reasons why couples often feel passion rising for each other when they go out to eat. Dining out gives us all kinds of opportunities to turn up the romance in our marriage. Misty and I not only love to cook; we also love to eat. We try to eat where there is live music, to double the pleasure. We don’t order a dish. We have a little buffet at our table and sample everything we can, often ordering off the appetizer menu. There is just a little added excitement to eating when you get to eat out.
Do you remember the first dinner date you had with your spouse, before you were married? If you close your eyes, can you go back there in your memory, remember how your date looked across the table, what you ordered to eat, what you said, the atmosphere, and even the waiter? I will never forget my first date with Misty Byrd. Every detail of that dinner is etched in my memory, probably because I went over it again and again in my mind for days and weeks later.
At the time, I lived in Southern California and Misty lived in Indiana. We’d been corresponding by email for months. (I have a book of those emails, printed and bound. It’s about six inches thick. Obviously, we had a lot to say!) We graduated to talking on the phone for a couple more months. So by the time Misty arrived at the airport in Orange County for our first face-to-face date, the air was thick with anticipation. (Have I mentioned that the sight of her there in baggage claim took my breath away? She looked even prettier than I’d remembered her at the fire pit on the fake cruise.)
We drove to one of the nicest restaurants in Laguna Beach, called Studio, and were seated outside in a spot overlooking the ocean, so close to the waves that we could hear them crashing on the sand below. Just a few feet from where we sat, Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz had filmed scenes of the movie The Long, Long Trailer in 1953. (The restaurant had been a trailer park back in the fifties.) The waiter told us that the two palm trees towering above our heads had been named Lucy and Ricky. (Later that week, I’d end up buying a painting of Lucy and Ricky—the trees, not the famous couple—from the restaurant, as a memento of a special dinner I never wanted to forget.)
After chatting awhile and smiling a lot, we looked over the menu. At this point in my life, I’d given up eating red meat for almost twenty years. To my surprise, this delicate lady looked up, her blue eyes sparkling with joy, and ordered a steak. Not quiche, not a lovely linguine. No small, delicate dish for Misty. She was who she was, liked what she liked, and this Indiana girl wanted a nice, juicy steak. When Misty offered me a bite of that steak, I gave in to the moment and broke a two-decade beef fast. It was worth every flavorful, tender, well-seasoned, perfectly grilled bite. To this day, a good bite of perfectly cooked steak transports me to that enchanted evening, and the memories of feeling as young as a teen boy, falling in love with Misty all over again.
GROCERY DATES
“My parents go on dates—to the grocery store,” writes Italian American blogger Francesca Di Meglio. “I know what you’re thinking: How can that count as a date? But I must admit that whenever rain arrives and mamma knows that papa will have to come home early from work (he’s a landscaper), she gets flushed with excitement. ‘We’re going to go to the market,’ she says to me as though she is five and it’s Christmas Eve. This hardly seems like a romantic night on the town. But for my parents, it is. Sometimes, mamma holds papa’s hand in the car just as he’s about to rev the engine. They listen to their favorite Italian CDs. And they treat themselves to the best—filet mignon or Asiago cheese. On these days, they are all smiles (and we all win when dinner is served). Delicious sweet love!”9
I loved this peek into a long-married Italian couple finding fun and passion by just going to the market together!
Misty and I love going to the nearby, colorful Saxony Farmer’s Market on Saturdays—there’s not only local farm-fresh produce but also artisanal foods and lively music. Another place we love to go to get inspiration for a meal is what I call the Euro-Asian-Pan-American-Vietnamese Superstore. It’s a sensory wonderland for foodies. We love just picking interesting, exotic new ingredients we’ve never tried before. It adds an element of surprise and fun-of-discovery to cooking. Why not, at least occasionally, make an adventurous date out of finding and gathering new foods for a special meal or two?
I remember the first time I discovered saffron in one of our local international food markets. This spice, more than 3,500 years old, has always been one of the rarest and most sought-after spices. And there some saffron sat, in its golden threads of splendor, in a one-quart bag. We could not resist buying a quart of gold that can turn even plain white rice into a dish fit for royalty. And cardamom. Have you tasted cardamom? (It’s also fun to say three times really fast.) When I tasted my first sip of cardamom tea, I said goodbye to my old faithful Earl Grey and welcomed this new flavor that I suddenly could not live without. It’s a little bit citrusy, a little bit warm—one of the spices you find in chai tea. I love the combination of saffron rice, cardamom tea, and warm, garlic-infused naan bread. For very little money, you can enjoy an amazing spice-feast for which your taste buds will thank you! When you’re exploring new spices, fragrances, and the deep flavor from freshly cooked foods, it gets easier and easier to pass by fast-food drive-throughs. You can go home and throw together a minifeast in less time, and for far less money, than you’d spend on a preformed burger and greasy fries. Just one more way to show that when you enjoy and value good food more, letting yourself become a bit of a passionate, adventurous gourmet, your diet naturally gets balanced and healthier, and it doesn’t feel at all like deprivation.
SERVING UP COMPASSION
When we find ourselves coping with pain, the kitchen can become our therapist, food our source of comfort.
You may recall that at the beginning of this book, I spoke of how passion can take the form of compassion in long-term marriages. Cooking a meal and serving it to someone who is hungry or hurting or both has, since the beginning of time, been a way to share tangible love with others.
In the book We Laugh, We Cry, We Cook, my friend Becky shares the following story about cooking for her husband, Greg.
Greg hadn’t eaten lunch, and now famished, he looked up at me and then back at the plate of spicy catfish, oven-blistered potato slices and fresh coleslaw I had cooked and was offering him and said, “You saved my life.”
“Just by serving you dinner?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said with deep conviction.
. . . I know Greg was exaggerating when he said, “You saved my life,” but if you’ve ever been really hungry after a long day, and someone has greeted you with a hug and hot meal, it can feel pretty close to life-saving. Perhaps it is no wonder that Jesus spoke of how when we feed others who are hungry—literally and figuratively—we are feeding him too. A cup of cold water or a steaming bowl of soup, served with love . . . is no small thing.10
The first time I visited Misty in her home in Indiana, she prepared for me her favorite belly-warming, farm country dish: chunky potato soup. Butter, salt, pepper, milk, broth, carrots, onion, celery, cheese, and potato never tasted so good. Like warm liquid velvet. And of course what made the soup taste especially delicious and comforting was that someone I was falling in love with had prepared it just for me. And you guessed it: I never taste a good potato soup without being transported back to Misty’s kitchen and all the warm feelings of comfort, caring, and love that surrounded me that day.
John Tagliabue had met and married his wife, Paula Butturini, an American-born Italian, when they were both journalists in Rome. Their love blossomed over meals they cooked and shared with each other in small apartment kitchens in Italy.
Then, in 1987, they both went to cover stories in war-torn Poland. In her memoir Keeping the Feast, Paula describes this as the time when the warm, happy love story turned cold and terrifying. While in the middle of riots in Prague, Paula was beaten severely. A few weeks later, John was shot and almost died from his wounds.
They eventually were able to return to Italy, but they were both suffering from the effects of the extreme trauma. Paula found that cooking became her source of comfort, and in John’s painful state of mental exhaustion, eating was one of the few things he could still do and enjoy. So she dove into the daily ritual of cooking food and feeding John with all the passion she could manage, and slowly mealtimes became the thing that would tether them again to life and to each other.
Paula writes in her book, “So tonight and all the other nights when I may be tired, without appetite, or simply not in the mood to produce even a simple meal, I shall will myself to do it anyway.” She describes the detailed and mouth-watering process of pairing hot spaghetti with freshly cooked clams in their own broth, adding garlic and butter and topping it all with fresh parsley. Then she continues, “I will rush the warm bowl to the dining room and then John and Julia [her daughter] and I, suddenly hungry from the sweetly pungent smell of garlic and clams coming from the kitchen, will sit down to eat. The three of us will be quiet for a moment or two as we twirl our spaghetti into the first near forkfuls that we lift to our mouths. We will chew that first bite hungrily and perhaps, if I have hit all the measurements right, give a tiny sigh of delight. Then, already heartened, we will start to talk and laugh and eat in earnest, keeping the feast that we are meant to keep, the feast that is our life.”11
This ritual of cooking beautiful food and eating it together in the company of dear friends, every day, over time, loosened the depression and assuaged the feeling of being emotionally frozen. While I am writing this chapter on food and love in Mediterranean countries, the world is reeling from a terrorist attack in the most visited city in the world: Paris. As I read portions of Keeping the Feast this week, it struck me as remarkable how simple, angst-free, comforting rituals—plus old-fashioned rest, sunshine, warmth, time, a couple of good friends—can heal traumatized people, and nations. Paris will also likely begin to heal one steaming cafe au lait, one fresh baguette, one glass of red wine, one compassionate prayer, one kind word, and one tender hug at a time.
As M. F. K. Fisher, the popular American food writer, said, “There is communion of more than bodies when bread is broken and wine is drunk.” Indeed, when we offer a warm mug of coffee or a hot bowl of soup to our beloveds, we may be feeding their souls. It may be passion of the quiet, gentle variety. But don’t underestimate its strength to bond a couple and to help heal wounds, big and small, over a lifetime.
MEALS THAT LINGER IN OUR MEMORIES
The more our senses are engaged in an event, the deeper the memory lodges in our brain. In the book I referenced earlier, We Laugh, We Cry, We Cook, the authors write about this brain-food-memory connection. “Maybe that’s why there are so many hidden layers of meaning when we stir a pot of Mama’s chili or cut into a ripe, red watermelon and find our minds transported to picnics in the hot verdant summers of childhood. Cooking engages every sense, the taste of homemade peach ice cream, the smell of sweet corn, the sounds of steak sizzling on the grill, the hard, smooth feel of a crisp apple in the hand, the arresting beauty of fresh garden veggies artfully arranged on the lopsided ceramic plate you made at age nine. Unlike anything else, food sears itself into our memories. That’s why when we feed others, we nourish them in a myriad of surprising and memorable ways.”12
What meal do you remember most fondly sharing together as a couple? What was the food, the music, the scenery, the sounds? What made it so special that even now you can go back in time to that day, that meal, and reexperience it in your mind, as if it happened yesterday? Now, how can you use this knowledge to increase the passion in your marriage and give your soul mate a lasting memory to cherish and ponder?
Mediterraneans seem to produce memorable romantic meals almost effortlessly, and they do it often. Perhaps this is why their relational bonds tend to be so deep and wide and strong.
The meal that takes Misty and me right back to the Mediterranean hills and valleys is minestrone. In California we found a restaurant, the Pomodoro, that had minestrone like the soup we love so much in Rome, tasting of liquid paradise. When we moved to Indianapolis, we discovered that Maggiano’s also had a great minestrone, and so it became our place to soothe those Mediterranean cravings.
On a special end-of-decade birthday for Misty, I promised to treat her to her favorite Italian zuppa. At Maggiano’s, I guided her through the restaurant and toward a door near the back. When I opened it, about thirty friends and family members started singing “Happy Birthday” to my wife, whose mouth was wide open in shock and surprise. I’d hired a DJ for the occasion, so we had lots of music, along with Italian food and dancing. At one point, the DJ cued up a track to a timeless love song made popular by Johnny Mathis, “Misty.” It was an evening I cherish, a bit of Italy in Indiana—music, dancing, laughter, and friends, the joys of Mediterranean sensual living right here at home.
OPENING YOUR TABLE TO OTHERS
Music, laughter, and the happy clinking of tableware would fill the air, leaving all of us with a sense that the world was a magnificent place.
—RAELEEN D’AGOSTINO MAUTNER, LIVING LA DOLCE VITA
There was a time when people entertained others, welcomed drop-in company, and had dinner parties as a way of life. Houses had front porch swings, and people sat on them and visited with the neighbors, often sharing a glass of lemonade or iced tea along with the news of the day. Somewhere along the way, Americans went inside their homes and closed their doors. The buzzword cocooning became a popular way to describe the desire to huddle up at home. But we also became more isolated, more in touch with technology than with each other, face-to-face, human to human.
Couples who isolate themselves this way, I believe, are missing out on a fabulous opportunity to minister to others as a team, side by side, in the casual and warm environment of their home. When Misty and I work together to invite people over and plan and create a dinner to share with them, it doesn’t just bless the guests we serve; we are also blessing our marriage. For few things are as bonding or meaningful as using our shared talents to bless those who come through our front doors for a memorable meal.
THE LOST ART OF DINNER CONVERSATION
More and more, when Misty and I go out to eat, we see couples with their iPhones in hand, talking to other people virtually rather than focusing on each other face-to-face. We have fallen prey at times as well. It is so easy to keep clicking to get one more piece of information, one more bit of current news, another post on Facebook, to catch up on “connecting,” all the while missing the person in front of us. It seems that as a society, we are gradually losing the art of delightful and interesting conversation with each other over a meal. Good conversation is what keeps Mediterraneans lingering for hours at the table with one another. What do they talk about? Well, for one thing, especially in France, they do not discuss problems or negative topics over a meal. It’s an unspoken rule that conversations should be interesting and uplifting. (Have you ever tried to eat when someone at the table is upset or goes off on a political rant? Your digestion slows down and stops when dinner conversations become awkward and unpleasant.) What Mediterraneans love to talk about most is ideas. Philosophy. Meaning. Culture. Observations. Topics that everyone at the table can weigh in on. Mediterraneans are raised to be conversationalists and to discuss topics of depth, meaning, and interest.
“Good conversation is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after,” wrote Anne Morrow Lindbergh. And yet many couples are so conversationally lazy that they can put each other to sleep by (1) not talking at all or (2) talking on and on about things that hold no interest for their mate.
Think of the people you have most enjoyed talking with over the course of your life. What was it about them that pulled you into the conversation and kept your interest? Misty and I discussed this and realized that the friends with whom we most like to converse show a sincere interest in us and in our thoughts and opinions; they laugh easily and add humor of their own; they are good storytellers without being long-winded or dominating or sounding as if they were onstage when they share; they are vulnerable and open and real; they are readers and thinkers; they are curious and interested in life and in others; they are growing spiritually and want to do something to make the world a better place; they are aware of their strengths and weaknesses, their successes and failures, and this makes them nonjudgmental and full of grace. Making this list together helped us see why we enjoy talking with one another over a meal, and it helped us identify a few ways each of us could up our conversational game. Try going out to dinner with your mate as if you were dining with someone you didn’t know but would love to get to know better. What you discover may surprise you!
Ten Questions to Ask Your Partner at the Dinner Table13
Don’t ask them all at once! Just pick one or two at a time.
1. If you were by yourself and could do anything you wanted for one day, what would you do?
2. What is your most vivid childhood memory?
3. If you could wake up tomorrow and have one new ability or talent, what would it be?
4. What advice would you give your younger self?
5. What do you hope people think when they think of you?
6. If you have kids: What’s the most important thing you hope your kids take with them out into the world?
7. Who has been kindest to you?
8. If you could hold on to just one memory for the rest of your life, what would it be?
9. When you imagine yourself at eighty years old, what do you see?
10. What are you most grateful for?
Perhaps you’ve never considered the possibility that savoring food, becoming more of a gourmet in the kitchen, could increase your happiness in marriage and in the bedroom. (I told you this book would be fun, didn’t I?) I hope this chapter has opened your eyes to ways that food, cooking, and serving can add up to more passion in your life and with each other.
Bon appetit!
A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou.
Thirteen Ways to Treat Your Lover to Fun Food Experiences
1. Serve your mate breakfast in bed or tea and a snack on a pretty tray. Something that says “I love you” in a tangible way through food.
2. Put on some music and light a candle for dinner tonight, even if dinner is tacos or burgers.
3. Put together a romantic picnic of cheese and crackers and wine, perhaps stopping at a gourmet deli to pick up some interesting salads. Surprise your partner at work, or if the day is pretty, go out for a weekend drive to a park or lake.
4. Take a cooking class together. For added romance, choose a class that will teach you how to make a dish from France, Italy, Spain, Greece, or Israel—one of the Mediterranean countries known for passion.
5. Go out for tapas or appetizers and try some dishes you’ve not tried before. There’s a great tapas restaurant in Scottsdale, Arizona, overlooking a pretty canal, that has flamenco dancing one night every week. It’s called Tapas Papa Frita. Find a restaurant in your area that provides entertainment along with your meal. It’s a wonderful, budget-friendly way to awaken all your senses for the cost of a meal for two.
6. Plan an old-fashioned dinner party, inviting one or two other couples whose company you both enjoy. Remember, this is about enjoying yourselves, so keep it simple, ask your guests to bring side dishes, or do whatever will make this stress free and fun!
7. Go together to a farmer’s market or specialty ethnic store and plan a meal based on the foods that look most appetizing to you. Try at least one new food or spice or herb!
8. Plant a garden together. This can be as simple as a small herb garden you plant indoors in a nice window or as big as a full-blown country vegetable garden. If space is an issue, search for “space-saving gardens” on the internet, and you’ll find dozens of ways to grow produce on the smallest of plots.
9. Ramp up your conversational game. The next time you go out to eat, think ahead about some good questions, interesting topics, or uplifting stories or funny facts you’ve heard or read. Don’t forget to listen attentively and ask follow-up questions or compliment your mate’s answers. Talk less about problems and more about solutions, less about negative happenings and more about positive experiences.
10. Create your own daily happy hour. Signal the end of the workday and beginning of the evening together by sitting down with a beverage (wine, hot tea, lemonade, or sparkling water, maybe) and perhaps a few nuts or cheese slices or some fruit or veggies. Turn on some soft music if you like. Ask each other about the highlights of the day, and offer a sympathetic ear to any problems or hurts that your spouse may have experienced that day.
11. Take turns researching a new ethnic cafe or restaurant to try each month. To save money, you can share a meal or enjoy half-price appetizers at happy hour or just go for dessert and coffee. Even the priciest restaurants have specials, and if you share a plate or order soup and appetizers, you can enjoy amazing tastes in beautiful places on a budget.
12. Create a meal using as many “aphrodisiac foods” as you can, just for fun!
13. Determine to slow down and enjoy your meals together, pay attention, be fully present. Flirt liberally.