CHAPTER 6
THE SECRET OF CREATIVITY
I have loved to the point of madness; that which is called madness, that which to me, is the only sensible way to love.
A walk in Paris will provide lessons in history, beauty, and in the point of Life.
Picasso, Vincent van Gogh, Monet, Salvador Dali.
Charles Dickens, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Gertrude Stein.
Chopin, Stravinsky, Josephine Baker, Cole Porter, George Gershwin.
Julia Childs, James Beard.
Christian Dior, Coco Chanel.
Isadora Duncan.
What do these names have in common? All of these people are artists—painters, writers, chefs, composers and singers, dancers, and fashion designers, from all over the world—who found exhilarating freedom, along with a rich social and cultural environment, in which to create in La Ville Lumier, the City of Light: Paris.
Blogger and writer Bryan Hutchinson expressed the effect of Paris on the creative soul: “When I walk the streets of Paris I feel as if the place is otherworldly, that God made this one place where artistic inspiration and creative energy meet to produce the divine.”
The artistic tools might vary. They could be paintbrush or pen, chisel or ballet slippers, camera or chef’s knife, musical instrument or operatic voice. But no one can deny that Paris has a centuries-long reputation for bringing out the artist’s muse like few other places on earth can do.
A MOVEABLE FEAST
If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.
If you have not seen the Woody Allen film Moonlight in Paris, well, you must. Rent it posthaste. This charming, romantic time-travel movie gives a delightful glimpse into many of the quirky, passionate artists of the Lost Generation who flocked to Paris between the two world wars in order to mingle with other artists, gather inspiration, create masterpieces, and live cheaply. The exchange rate was favorable for Americans in the 1920s, which helped them live on a meager and intermittent artist’s income. Also, there was no Prohibition in Paris, and it is no secret that many of the expats there had a fondness for drinking.
The film shows that beyond producing novels, paintings, and musical scores, these artists-in-residence also fell in and out of love, with great regularity and plenty of passion.
Ernest Hemingway wrote about the magical, bohemian, creative years that served as the backdrop for Moonlight in Paris in his memoir A Moveable Feast. The writer tells of sitting in a quaint Parisian cafe one cold and rainy day to work on a novel. He starts out sipping a cafe au lait but soon graduates to a glass of rum. (It never took long, in Hemingway’s memoirs, for him to graduate to alcohol. Usually after his morning coffee.) Before long, he spies a pretty, dark-haired girl sitting near a window.
“I looked at her and she disturbed me and made me very excited,” he wrote. He wished for some personal interaction with the young lady, but he could see she was there waiting for someone else. At one point he looked up from his work, and moved again by her face and form, he penned one of his most famous lines: “I’ve seen you, beauty, and you belong to me now, whoever you are waiting for and if I never see you again, I thought. You belong to me and all Paris belongs to me and I belong to this notebook and this pencil.”
After this declaration, Hemingway “went back to write and entered far into the story and was lost in it.”1
It is fascinating to me to observe how, in this example, the act of writing in a small cafe along with the presence of a pretty lady prompted a bit of romantic daydreaming. And how the author’s romantic imagination, in turn, inspired him to more creative work—to go deeper into the story he was writing.
Indeed, art and love often go together like cafe au lait and a fresh chocolate croissant. A sip of coffee calls for a bite of pastry. A bite of pastry begs for a sip of coffee. And so it goes with writing and romance, art and love.
I believe that creative energy is a much overlooked, and a powerful secret to arousing passion and romance between a man and a woman. Sensual feelings often appear when two people are in the creative zone, sharing the high of artistic energy. This is probably why workplace affairs (employees falling for each other while working on an exciting project) and affairs among artsy types (the choir director running off with the organist) are so common.
So why not harness the passionate energy that comes with creating art of any sort, then purposefully and proactively administer it, like an aphrodisiac, to our cherished monogamous relationships? Why leave this secret of sensuality to Mediterranean lovers, when we can access its power and spice up committed marriages?
CREATIVE FLOW, TOGETHER
When Hemingway said he entered the story and got lost in it, he was describing what Hungarian psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced “Mee-hi Cheek-sent-me-high”) calls the “state of flow.”
Few things in life, Csikszentmihalyi believes, are as pleasurable and satisfying as entering “the flow,” or “the zone,” or what psychologist Abraham Maslow referred to as a “peak experience.”
Contrary to what Americans often think, pure relaxation—chillin’ out—doesn’t really make us as happy as being in the state of flow, which requires concentrated effort. Csikszentmihalyi writes that the “best moments in our lives, are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times—although such experiences can also be enjoyable, if we have worked hard to attain them. The best moments usually occur when a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.”2
He gives some examples of what flow looks like in everyday life. It could look like a child proudly and excitedly placing a block on a tower, higher than she’s ever built it before, or a swimmer out to beat his own record, or a musician mastering a difficult musical passage. “For each person,” he writes, “there are thousands of opportunities, challenges to expand ourselves.”
There was a poignant time when I felt caught up in just such a state of flow. The middle brother in my family had been diagnosed with AIDS. This was in the late eighties. Tragically, the disease was so virulent that people who caught it did not have long to live. My brother Jerry led a troubled life. It was confused, complex, duplicitous. Somehow he was able to keep his secret from me until I was twenty-six years old. He’d been molested by a preacher’s son when he was young and had never shared this with my parents. And now he was down to ninety pounds and trying to figure out how to tell Mom and Dad that he was gay and dying. He felt he had a story to tell that he hoped would prevent others from molestation and its effects.
I have to say, this was a horrific tragedy that I never saw coming. Not to our Southern Baptist family. And certainly not to Jerry. He was an architect, and his life appeared to be as well-planned as the blueprint of a high-rise. He and I had pulled our money together to buy a boat that we loved taking out on Lake Conroe, near our hometown in Texas. Later, he and I would go in together to buy an oceangoing boat in Newport Beach, California. So many great memories out on the water with my brother! He was classy and movie star handsome.
In the middle of the worst of his misery and emotional turmoil, he asked me to write down his story in a book that would eventually be published and titled How Will I Tell My Mother? Spurred on by love for my brother, by the limited time to honor his wishes, I wrote, as we say in Texas, like a house afire. Sentence after sentence poured out of my heart; pages of stories flowed like a river out of my computer’s printer. When I was finished, I gathered up the pages and took them to read aloud to my brother as he lay in his bed. The book was a true reflection of my brother—creative, full of life and humor, sadness and confusion, desire for meaning and love for God. He wept as I read his life back to him, and there were times when I had to pause to catch the lump in my throat. He loved it. And I loved him loving it. I cannot express what it meant to me that God allowed me to use my gifts of listening, capturing stories in my mind, and telling them again on paper to bring comfort and joy to my big brother in his last hours on earth.
You never know when or how God may use your creative talents to bless someone in ways you never dreamed about. I believe that one way the Holy Spirit directs us to our God-given talents that will bless the world is by getting us caught up in this state of flow. I am sure many of you reading this remember a time when you were working on a creative project that had special meaning or purpose or value to you. Time ceased to exist; you felt almost as if you were just a reed, a conduit of God’s creativity, allowing his Spirit to simply flow through you. As if the Creator of the universe wanted you to know the joy of creating as well. How do you know if you are in the flow? You’re deeply immersed in what you are doing, and time seems to fly. You feel clearheaded: you know what you need to do to finish the task ahead, and you believe you have the skill set needed to accomplish it. You aren’t self-conscious, and worries drift away because of the concentration needed and the pleasure involved in the task.
Most of us can recall times when we have, individually, been caught up in creative flow. But have you and your mate ever experienced working together—on anything creative—and found yourself moving into a zone where everything feels seamless, as if you don’t have to use words, because the other simply gets what you are doing, almost reading your mind? Where time seems to disappear because you are so focused on what the two of you are creating? The feeling of energetic joy that comes out of these shared moments can be profoundly bonding and romantic.
You can experience flow as a couple by working on a shared activity (more practical ideas for this to come) or by being together while you are in the same outdoor space or indoor room, caught up in something you both love to do. The more creative, the better!
I have friends, passionately and happily married, both in the professional writing industry. Sometimes they work on the same book project—brainstorming outlines or titles, with ideas bursting between them like popcorn. “We work together like a well-oiled machine at these times, lost in our own creative bubble,” the wife shared.
Her husband agreed. “It’s a natural high, no doubt. And there’s often sexy sparks flying back and forth when we are in this zone. The more creative we get, as the project unfolds, the more we tend to flirt. It makes my workday feel much more like play.”
However, most of the time, this literary couple is writing on laptops, in the same room together but not talking. Still, they experience a sort of “quiet, happy, connected flow” between them—even while working on separate projects.
Misty and I get this, especially now. Writing this book, a true heart-project for us, has opened new layers of passion. We are pulled together, caught up in like-minded flow. Things that might have normally irritated us don’t seem to bother us while we’re focused on writing a book that we hope will help other couples catch the fire of passion! We have laughed and cried as we’ve reminisced about our marriage and searched for the secrets that led us from frustration to passion. This creative, meaningful project has brought us closer to one another than we ever dreamed it would when we first brainstormed the concept. I think part of the reason for this is that we’ve been able to use our individual writing gifts as a team, in tandem, in ways we never have before. As a result, we are experiencing creative flow together. And it has definitely increased the passion factor in our days. There has been a lot of fun, private connecting between the lines that ended up in this book.
This outcome for us has made me think that a fun project for every couple would be to write your love story together sometime. Talk about and write down the highlights of your unique, personal romance—the moments in your relationship when you experienced a surge of love and passion that you never want to forget. You may be surprised, as we’ve been, to find yourselves reliving the highlights of love in a walk down memory lane, feeling emotions that arise, overflow into the present, and overwhelm you all over again.
Whether you and your spouse are working side by side on a shared creative project or working in close proximity on separate endeavors that bring you both into a state of flow, the experience of getting lost in time together can be bonding, stimulating, and passion inspiring.
BONDING THROUGH SELF-EXPANDING ACTIVITIES
Let’s face it: boredom is the enemy of passion. And yet living together, especially while raising a family, requires a lot of routine, ritual, and stability. What to do?
Begin by simply being aware that keeping passion alive means purposefully, proactively reserving time for what some psychologists call “self-expanding” activities. Research suggests that couples who feel most intensely in love are the ones who not only have strong physical chemistry and emotional attraction but also regularly participate in new activities together. If these activities involve even a small risk or challenge, all the better. Because when you accomplish a challenge as a couple or try something new (as easy as going to a restaurant you’ve never been to before), you’ve expanded your feeling of conquering new territory together, and this causes a romantic rush.
“Novel and arousing activities are, well, arousing, which people can misattribute as attraction to their partner, reigniting that initial spark,” writes psychologist and social researcher Amie Gordon.3
Psychologist and relationship researcher Arthur Aron collaborated on a 2012 study to discover why some couples stayed wildly passionate about each other after many years of marriage.4 The researchers found that couples who feel passionate about one another experience regular strong doses of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that makes us feel energetic pleasure. One important way couples trigger the release of dopamine in each other is by spending time together in new and challenging activities. Studies found this was especially true for active men, who tend to bond more deeply over going kayaking together, perhaps, than a long conversation “about the relationship” over afternoon tea.
According to Aron’s research, novelty is a key ingredient in a passionate long-term relationship. This doesn’t mean you give up your favorite fun rituals together, but you do want to make an effort to incorporate some new and different activities into the mix. This could be anything from taking a painting or cooking class as a couple or going for a walk in a new neighborhood to riskier adventures like skydiving or rock climbing. It depends on the couple’s personality and preferences. Just pick something you haven’t done together before (or recently) that you’d both like to try (or experience again).
Though new and challenging activities produce dopamine that creates feelings of exhilaration and passion, just spending time with one another on any creative project—say, sprucing up the basement or gardening—is also very bonding for couples, evoking other pleasurable neurotransmitters such as serotonin and oxytocin. Again, mix it up! Enjoy the familiar creative activities together, but push yourselves now and then to try an activity you’ve never engaged in before.
As mentioned earlier, the best way for many males to feel close to their spouse is to work on a project or task together. This is one reason why I encourage women to combine their need for communication with some sort of physical activity, especially if their husband has a hard time sitting still. Chat with him while he’s polishing the car, or go for a walk as you talk. You’ll find that many men, especially those with ADHD tendencies, focus more and hear you better if they can also walk, row, fish, or fiddle with something—any repetitive activity that keeps their body moving so their mind can better focus.
MAKING YOUR OWN SUNSHINE
There is no getting around it: at some point, each person in a partnership has to take responsibility for becoming happier and more passionate individuals. A 2012 Stony Brook University study discovered that “individuals who exhibit excitement for all of life” were more likely to enjoy healthy and long-lasting romance.5
“People who approach their daily lives with zest and strong emotion seem to carry these intense feelings over to their love life as well,” wrote Susan Krauss Whitbourne in Psychology Today. “If you want your relationship to have passion, put that emotional energy to work in your hobbies, interests, and even your political activities.”6
Though all couples need commitment, safety, and stability, if this is all a marriage has going for it, the result can start to look like neediness or caretaking or boredom. Not exactly the sexiest things in the world.
When your partner gets a chance, however, to observe you doing something you’re passionate about, something that requires a little courage, something in which your talents shine, it allows them a brief shift in perspective. When we discover some new talent or skill in our partner, it often increases feelings of surprise, passion, and desire.
The musical apple did not fall far from her father’s tree, so it was no surprise to me to learn that Misty has a great voice. But I’d just caught little bits of her singing here and there. Imagine my surprise when I heard her sing her first solo in church and realized, “Oh, my goodness. My wife could have been a recording artist.” She sang in a style I’d never heard before and haven’t heard since—a little southern gospel, a little contemporary country, a little of Misty’s own unique style.
I once captured a photo of Misty singing that still moves me when I walk by it. Her eyes are shut, her mouth is open, as splendorous words of praise are drifting upward. And she isn’t alone in the picture; our yet-to-be-born daughter, Amelia Pearl Arterburn, is curled up inside Misty’s pregnant belly. I honestly don’t know how I was able to take that picture in that moment, because I was so full of joy, so grateful for the miracle of a precious wife and the impending birth of my daughter, so moved by Misty’s voice giving praise to the Giver of these unspeakable gifts, that I was a mess of tears.
Don’t let yourself become apathetic or dull. Keep your creative and curious spirit alive by pushing yourself to try some new adventures or learn some new skills. There is nothing more attractive to the opposite sex than a happy person in love with life, who is interested in discovering new ideas, learning new information, and trying new activities. So take ownership of your own zest for life, your joie de vivre.
After our son Solomon was born in 2006 and started toddling and talking, the oddest thing happened to me. I took up colored pencils and started to draw. Solomon, as a preschooler, responded to my drawings as if I were his personal Van Gogh. So I started a tradition of creating fun pictures and word art with colored pencils when I traveled, to let my family know I was thinking of them. Elmo and Mickey Mouse were among the subjects of my first, highly praised portraits.
Little did I know then that someday art journaling, drawing your prayers, and adult coloring books would become all the rage. I was drawing and coloring long before it became a fad! I was doodling before doodling was cool.
One day I was doing a radio show with Dr. Sheri Keffer, a therapist with NewLife. While we talked on air, I was doodling. I had taken my daughter’s name—Amelia Pearl—and created a monogram of her initials, in sort of a Frozen meets Cinderella meets Peppa Pig style. Dr. Keffer asked if others had accused me of not paying attention to them, or to a sermon or a class (or a live radio show), when they saw me drawing. “All the time,” I said. “But I can’t seem to stay still and focus unless my hands are busy!” She said, “Steve, with people who have ADHD, drawing and doodling actually helps them listen better and helps them stay engaged and on topic. When you draw, it is a way to flip the ‘on switch’ in your brain. Then you are actually more alert and stay more focused on the topic at hand.”
Remember how I used to call my paternal grandfather Dad Art—a nickname for Arterburn? Misty has, over the past two years, begun calling me Art. From the garage on her way to the grocery store, she will call out, “Hey, Art! Are we out of bread?” Ask me how much I love this. It has come to me late in life, but I do like to think of myself as an artist of sorts now. And after hearing Dr. Keffer’s explanation, I realize I am my own art therapist. Misty’s term of endearment for me, connecting me to my grandfather and validating the artist she sees in me, touches my soul intimately, in a way that’s hard to describe. All I can say is, I am grateful.
Now that doodling and coloring is cool for adults to do, thousands of right-brained creative types, or those of us with ADHD, are suddenly being praised for our creativity and artistic style. If only this had been true when I was a kid. I am just glad that so many adults are realizing that drawing, doodling, coloring, and painting relaxes the mind. It’s what psychiatrists call a “centering activity,” and it gives the amygdala, the part of the brain associated with anxiety and fear, a much-needed rest.
Not long ago, Misty came to me and said, “Steve, I have an idea.” Since I love new ideas, I was all ears. She had a few close friends who had all been through some sort of major trauma, and by working the twelve steps together, going to recovery meetings, these women had come out the other side stronger, more fulfilled, and more real. Misty wanted to start a website and Facebook page called Recovery Girls to motivate women—with a wide variety of issues—to get into recovery and experience freedom.
I told my wife she was brilliant. This was a fabulous idea! Her eyes lit up with excitement, and it was a lot of fun to watch her normal routine disintegrate as she—fueled by surges of fresh ideas and caught up in the flow—poured hours into creating a website, making videos, holding photo shoots, consultations, and meetings. The passion beneath this frenzy of activity was Misty’s deep desire to provide hope for struggling women who needed a dab of strength and a pinch of guidance from sisters who understood their daily battles.
The benefit for me? There’s no greater joy than seeing my wife soar! When she is happy, when she is doing what she feels called and gifted to do, I fall in love with new sides of her that I never realized existed before.
Two people in love with life and with each other are bound to enjoy a long and passionate relationship. So get those creative juices flowing, get in touch with your inner artist, and have fun! Then take it one step farther, and ask God how he might use your creative talents to bless someone else in a meaningful way. Whether you serve together as a couple in some ministry or take turns cheering and supporting each other, there’s nothing quite like the passion that flows from being a vessel of blessing to the world.
Thirteen Ways to Get Creative with Your Lover
1. Get away together to an energizing, culturally rich city. Of Paris, James Joyce wrote, “No other city is quite like it. I wake early, often at 5 o’clock, and start writing at once.” Have you noticed that some cities seem to have an electrical current of energy about them? Besides Paris, most people feel this energy when they are in big cities like New York or Chicago. And many creative types thrive there. Most of us live near enough to a big city that we can drive to its cultural center and spend a day walking through art museums, nature museums, or history museums, or people-watch at a sidewalk cafe or take in a live concert or play or musical. So plan a day in the city together, absorbing its culture, then notice how the energy of the artists affects you. You may very well find yourselves with fresh motivation to try your hand at new creative projects or some sort of art.
2. Go to an inspirational setting. To balance the cultural energy in the city, head out to places that are more serene, laid back, and beautiful and allow you space to think and create. Big cities often inspire us to create. But most of us need serenity and quiet—a beach, a camping spot, a coffee shop—to take the next step and begin creating. These places give us room to write, paint, draw, or brainstorm new ideas.
3. Shake it up! Think about something you already enjoy doing regularly together—say, walking around your neighborhood or browsing a local bookstore. And ponder how you can shake it up a bit. Drive to a new neighborhood and walk—or bike or skate—around it. Do a little research and explore a new bookstore in another part of town; combine your visit there with going for dessert and coffee at a French cafe you’ve never tried before. Sometimes it is easier to start being more adventurous by springboarding off the activities you know and enjoy.
4. Paint together. Go to one of the popular “canvas and cocktail” events in your town. They are springing up everywhere (check the internet for discounts, such as Groupons), and they are a great, easy, fun way to enjoy a night out in which you and your spouse are participants in the creative arts rather than just spectators.
5. Take classes together. Research community education classes in your area. These affordable classes, typically offered at a local community college on evenings and weekends, are a rich resource for creative date nights. They cover a wide array of subjects, and they vary in length. Some are one-night seminars; others are six-week (one night a week) courses. There is something for everyone, and you will be amazed at all the great things you can learn to do—from “How to Make Sushi on a Shoestring” to “How to Paint Like Monet” to “How to Be a Clown for Fun and Profit.” Pick a class that sounds fun and interesting to both of you and sign up!
6. Create your own romantic cards. Skip the pricey stuff and connect with your inner child: spend a little time with paper, scissors, glue, markers, lace, buttons, and stickers, and create a card for your beloved that comes from your heart, either for Valentine’s Day or just because. You can make a “dry-erase board” out of a solid piece of colored paper—with the words “I Love You Because...” written at the top—tucked into a pretty glass picture frame. Keep it somewhere special, all year long, and take turns writing impromptu love notes to each other with a dry-erase marker (attach it to the frame) as the mood hits.
7. Color your heart out. At this writing, adult coloring books are all the rage! Along with these fill-in-the-blank coloring pages, there are books that inspire you to draw your prayers or illustrate Scripture verses. This is a wonderful way for creative types to connect with their inner artist while also connecting with God and spiritual meaning.
8. Play your own kind of music. If you’ve always wanted to learn how to play an instrument, what is stopping you from taking lessons? Go for it! Or maybe you used to play the sax back in high school, but it is now gathering dust in the attic. Go get it, clean it up, and give it a go. Gather the family around a campfire for impromptu, home-style sing-alongs. (You can create campfire ambiance around a back patio fire pit or indoor fireplace or even a grouping of candles on a coffee table.) If nobody in your family plays an instrument, you can hand out a tambourine or a kazoo to a couple of the kids. Sing in the car, dance in the kitchen, grab your guitar and serenade whoever is cooking dinner. Let music become a natural part of your life.
9. Take a pottery class. One- or two-hour classes that cater to beginners who want to try their hand at pottery are popping up in most towns. Who knows? You two might fall in love with the medium of clay—and end up recreating the potter’s wheel love scene that Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze made famous in the movie Ghost.
10. Pursue whatever talent God has given you. Have you always wanted to act? Try out for a part in the local community theater. Do you have a beautiful voice that you aren’t using to bless others? Join a choir or an ensemble. Give yourself permission to develop your God-given talents, individually, to keep your creative spirit alive. Support each other in these pursuits, and sit in the front row—literally and figuratively—cheering and clapping and encouraging one another in using your gifts and talents.
11. Pass along your talents. There is so much meaning in teaching your children or grandkids to play an instrument or showing them how to paint with watercolors or make a birdhouse or dance an Irish jig. A friend of mine told me, “When I was in junior high, our youth director offered to give group guitar lessons to all the kids in our small youth group. I am fifty-six now, and to this day, I think of the gift he gave me when I strum the guitar and sing with my grandkids.” Whatever your talent—decorating cakes or building a treehouse—share it with others.
12. Be each other’s number one fan. When you watch your mate perform any kind of creative artwork, be sure to tell them how proud you are of their gifts and the courage they’ve shown in using those talents. Assure them of how happy it makes you to see them in their creative element, in the flow, in their zone. This can be as simple as saying something like, “I loved watching you teach our daughter how to sew today. You were so patient and encouraging. You are passing down a legacy of creativity!” Or, “I am so proud of the landscaping you’ve done in the backyard. I sit out there in the mornings with my coffee and just soak up the beauty you helped create.”
13. Plan an “adventure of the month” together. It doesn’t matter what it is; just try something new, something that is at least a little challenging. It should be more active than passive. (For example, take a cooking class rather than eating at a new restaurant.) Push yourselves a bit out of your comfort zone on this one. Go big. Think outside the box!