CONCLUSION
PERSONAL PARTING THOUGHTS
I have been loving you a little more every minute since this morning.
According to couples therapist John Jacobs, “The single greatest weapon in the battle to ensure the survival of a long-term relationship is maintaining awareness of the fragility of the marital bond.”
In other words, people who remain happily, passionately coupled for a lifetime realize how easily a marriage—any marriage, even a marriage of two fine, caring, well-meaning individuals—can go off the rails. And frankly, it can happen in a very short time, if a marriage is not regularly nourished and tended to by both husband and wife. One person can make changes that begin to improve a marriage, but eventually, for long-lasting, passionate love, it takes two to tango.
I have come to believe that the wisest, most passionate couples prioritize their relationship above almost everything else. Right after their personal faith, they choose to have a marriage-centered marriage.
Not a career- or work-centered marriage.
Not a kid-centered marriage.
Not a ministry-centered marriage or a hobby- or sport-centered marriage.
Not a me-centered marriage or a you-centered marriage.
But an us-centered marriage: a marriage-centered marriage.
It is my observation that when couples choose to make their marriage top priority, the rest of life’s important issues tend to balance out on their own.
THE WELL-TENDED MARRIAGE
The happiest couples feed their relationship, regularly, with all the ingredients of passion that we’ve talked about thus far; they lovingly, purposefully tend to their marriage every day in some big or small way.
“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone,” wrote novelist Ursula K. Le Guin. “It has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.” In Texas, where I grew up, it was common for mamas and “meemaws” to make the most amazing sourdough bread you’ve ever tasted, like clockwork every week. Sourdough bread is deliciously yeasty and just slightly sweet, but with a twinge of sour that gives it a special balance of flavor. Served right out of the oven with a smear of real butter, it’s a slice of heaven. (And you may also recall that sourdough bread naturally lowers glycemic levels; it was touted as one of the factors that may be keeping those Greek Ikarians healthy and happy. So it not only tastes like heaven but also may help you live longer!)
This wonderful bread began with a “starter,” which was a little bubbling concoction of yeast, flour, sugar, and water that sat like a mini-monster in a mason jar in the back of the fridge. To keep the starter going, it had to be fed. Yes, fed like a plant. Or maybe more like a puppy, because you had to feed it every day. The little yeasty beasties were alive, and they survived on daily additions of fresh flour and water, so a good baker would never neglect to feed the starter. If you missed a day, the starter might die and the bread wouldn’t rise, and this was a near tragedy. If this happened, you had to start all over again, with a starter you had to beg, borrow, or buy. That was a huge hassle, and you wanted to avoid it.
Marriage is almost as fragile and needy as a sourdough starter. If words of encouragement and praise and love go unsaid for long, a marriage may languish and eventually die from neglect. The damage that can be done in one day by a rejecting or critical spouse can be huge, reducing the feeling of safety and connection for a long time. One wife shared, “My husband told me I was pretty and that he loved me exactly one time, in what would be the last three years of our marriage. I tried to live on the memory of that one compliment, as long as I could, but eventually my heart broke, love died, and so did our marriage.” I have heard grown men say things like, “I told her I loved her when I married my wife. I haven’t changed my mind, so I don’t know why she needs to keep hearing the words over and over again.” Of course, most of these grown men are now sleeping single in a double bed.
Suffice it to say that a marriage is a living, breathing thing. Feed it, nourish it, and it will gladden your heart and bless your life with ever-increasing passion and joy. Neglect or abuse it, and love will shrivel and die.
QUICK REVIEW OF THE SEVEN SECRETS
Before we end this book, let’s pause for a little recap and take one last look at the list of seven secrets to a more passionate marriage, as we’ve observed in Mediterranean countries.
1 The Secret of Attunement. Connecting to and focusing on each other at some point every day, from the heart.
2 The Secret of Playfulness. Enjoying each other through laughter and simply having fun.
3 The Secret of Savoring Food. Taking advantage of opportunities to cook, serve, and savor delicious food, as we slow down to share the events of our lives or share deeper thoughts together.
4 The Secret of Enjoying Beauty. Purposefully surrounding ourselves with lovely sights, sounds, and smells. Going to inspiring places can feed our soul’s hunger for beauty. When we enjoy beauty—in nature, in culture, or in each other—we connect, heart to heart.
5 The Secret of Creativity. Giving yourselves the passion-boosting pleasure of working on projects together or engaging in an activity that brings you both into a sense of flow. So much passion arises from that special feeling of being in the zone, working in tandem on something that uses your creativity and talents.
6 The Secret of Health and Longevity. Prioritizing rest, natural exercise, healthy food, sexual intimacy, a sense of belonging to community, and growing in a vibrant faith.
7 The Secret of Blending the Sacred and Sexual. Enjoying mind-blowing, God-blessed sex that is both physically pleasurable and spiritually bonding.
I would urge you to print out two copies of the above list (you can find a printable copy of it on my website at Newlife.com) and put it someplace where you can see it often. Perhaps tape it to your bathroom mirror or to the dash of your car, or tuck it into your Bible. As you familiarize yourself with these seven secrets to passion, you’ll naturally start looking for ways to apply them to your life and marriage.
I would also suggest that after reading this book, you and your mate sit down together and look over the seven secrets and talk about which areas you’d most like to work on. Begin with the area you both agree deserves the most attention—or maybe the one that sounds like the most fun! Give at least one or two weeks to focusing on this secret and applying some of the suggestions from its chapter into your daily lives. Get that plate spinning, so to speak. Then move on to the other six secrets, one at a time, applying what you’ve learned.
You will be amazed at how quickly these positive experiences will bring relief and healing and feelings of joy and passion back to your marriage.
For other resources and ideas on how to implement the contents of this book or lead a group exploring these life-altering secrets, go to Newlife.com, click on “Mediterranean Love Plan,” and download guides for one-on-one and group discussions. And let me hear from you, please, at SArterburn@newlife.com.
PASSION IS PROACTIVE!
Leonardo da Vinci said, “It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.”
Misty and I speak to you from the depths of our heart: Please, please, don’t just sit back and let things happen to your relationship. Do something, every day, to make passion happen to your marriage. Bring your personal enthusiasm for connecting, for play, for food, for beauty, for creativity, for health, for God, and for lovemaking into your marriage. If you each bring your most passionate selves to the union of marriage and practice the secrets within these pages, you will fall in love again and again with the same person, day after day, year after year.
I want to close with a memory of a man who lived his whole life with passion, a man I hope to emulate. He was the music man of Ball Avenue, Misty’s father, Mike. After he died suddenly in 2012, the chapel filled up, standing room only, for a final honoring and a sweet goodbye. Mike had previously survived two heart attacks, and this last one took his life. I performed the service and prepared as if this were the most important message I would ever give, because it was.
On the day of Mike’s funeral, my little boy Solomon stood right with me. At age five, Solomon had written his own eulogy to honor his Pepa. He proudly shared his memories with all gathered. After Solomon spoke, I shared what I knew about this good, loving soul who never had much in the way of material things, but what he had, he always generously shared. I was able to tell the story that Misty’s mom, Penny, had told me about the night before he died. Mike had been in a local department store when the lady in front of him realized she didn’t have enough money to pay for her purchases. She was searching her purse, and Mike was noticing her dilemma. He did not want to embarrass her by intervening but was compelled to do something. Mike reached into his pocket and pulled out what money he had, then discreetly handed it to the woman with a whisper. “Here, take this to buy your things.” She opened her hand and received the gift, confused and smiling, while Mike walked quickly away. He didn’t want for her to hesitate or fuss or have to try to say thank you or ask why. He didn’t want for her to know his name; he didn’t want to receive any kind of glory for his gift. He just wanted this woman to be able to make her purchase and to perhaps feel seen and cared for by a loving, passionate God. Mike never minded walking away empty-handed if he could fill someone else’s heart. That’s the type of man he was.
Several others at the gathering also shared their memories of Mike. We laughed, nodded our heads, and wiped away tears. Then, in tribute, we filled the chapel with music, his music, and Penny and Misty and her sisters, the husbands and children, all began dancing to one of his favorite records. It was the song he had always played at the end of the “record hops” he would DJ as he made his final call for the last dance: putting needle to vinyl, he would play Jesse Belvin’s “Goodnight, My Love.”
His life was short, just sixty-seven years, but Mike lived it well, and we still draw on the deep wells of his generous love, his teaching, laughter, and heart. A few days after the funeral, I learned a bit more of his final moments of passion and love, his truly grand finale before leaving this earth. You see, that final night, once he had returned home from his shopping trip, he put on some old records and held Penny in his arms. They laughed and talked about old times, caught up in familiar feelings of romance, remembering how they had started out together as a young couple those forty-eight years prior, and all that had transpired since. They danced in the living room cheek to cheek, smile to smile. They stayed up all night together, until they finally retired to their bedroom at nearly six in the morning, for the last time. There they made love, a sweet completion after a perfect night of celebrating their bond, their gratitude for each other, and their wholehearted love. And when they finally went to sleep, Mike did not wake again.
Their love had survived hard times, tough spells, and at times difficult kids. Every day presented a struggle of some kind. But their love still endured, grew, and flourished to the end. Mike once said to his wife playfully, “Penny, if you were ever on an airplane that had crashed into a mountain, it wouldn’t matter what the news media had reported, I would climb that mountain to go find you for myself to see with my own eyes whether or not you had survived.” Penny laughed and nodded knowingly, then immediately replied, “Well, if I had somehow survived a crash like that, I would keep on surviving, ’cause I’d know you’d be coming for me.”
Grande amore.
Mike remains in the hearts and memories of us all. He left a great legacy we will pass on to our children and grandchildren. It is a legacy of living with all the passion, mindfulness, and selfless love we can, loving our mates with every drop of energy we have, pursuing their hearts the way God, “the Wild Lover of our souls,” passionately pursues us every day of our lives.1
If you both are willing to embark on this holy adventure, you too will know a grande amore.
To love or have loved, that is enough. Ask nothing further. There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life.