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BIANCA HADN’T MEANT to ignore his calls was the lie Bianca told herself. Well...that was partially the truth. After all, she did have to hurry off to be with Kimberly. The guilt twisted her insides as she disregarded the ringing phone and voicemail messages. What was she supposed to do? She couldn’t risk Wesley getting inside her head and trying to dissuade her decision. It was bad enough she was going to catch hell when he found out she’d convinced the clerk to waive his signature from having to be on the adoption papers, which is allowable in the state of North Carolina. She hadn’t exactly lied when she told the clerk that her husband was in the military and deployed on an assignment and unreachable. “I have no idea when he’s coming home. And the last thing I or the birth mother wants is for the baby to end up being placed into the foster care system.”
The obviously patriotic clerk sipped from an American flag mug before smiling at Bianca. Setting the mug down, she said, “Wherever your husband is, he’s serving our country. It would be a pleasure to do this for the two of you.”
Bianca returned the smile. “Thank you so much. You don’t know how much this means to me... I mean us.” Living in a military town and being a soldier’s wife certainly had its advantages.
Making it to the hospital in time, Bianca put thoughts of her husband and their troubled marriage out of her mind. Rushing to Kimberly’s side, she held the teen’s hand as she screamed at the top of her lungs for the doctor to, “Take this monster’s baby out of me! I want it out now!” Fortunately, the laboring hadn’t been too long. When the teen began to push, Bianca’s heart pounded rapidly with anticipation and excitement of becoming a first-time mom.
A heavy cloak of sadness wrapped itself around her heart as the distraught girl turned her head refusing to look at, let alone hold the newborn baby girl. The doctor gently placed the babe in Bianca’s arms instructing her to hold the baby close to her chest to keep her warm. That missing space in her heart was instantaneously filled as she cuddled the crying bundle of innocent love to her bosom. Tears pricked her eyes. I wish Wesley were here with me. I know he would love her too, if he just gave this a chance.
All too soon the nurse was taking her daughter from her arms to finish cleaning her up. She was torn between watching over the nurse as she cared for the baby and going to check on Kimberly. Her heart was pulled toward the young teen, who looked so despondent and alone.
Easing over to the bed, she gently brushed back a damp curl from Kimberly’s forehead. “Can I get anything for you?
Shaking her head in the negative, tears streamed down her face as she refused to make eye contact with the woman who had done so much for her.
“Sweetheart, what are you thinking?”
Kimberly hesitated before she whispered in a shaking voice, “Please don’t think bad of me. I can’t love her. What if she grows up to look like him? I don’t love her, but I don’t want to hate her either. And I know I will if she looks like him.”
The agonizing bluntness of her words was painful for Bianca to hear. Over the months she’d come to know Kimberly, she honestly believed that over time the young girl would come to eventually love the unborn baby. However, as a clinician she was aware that the trauma Kimberly suffered very well might be the catalysis for child abuse, if she decided to keep the baby. She was proud of the girl for making a very adult decision.
Bianca did the only thing that felt right at that moment. Curious eyes watched as she gingerly wrapped the girl in her arms. “Kimmy, I would never think that of you.” Validating the teen’s feelings, the lump in her throat almost made it hard for her to breathe. “What happened to you was horrific. Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal, so I could never think badly of you. You’ve gone through so much, at such a young age. But I promise you, this situation doesn’t have to define who you are as a person. One day, you will get over this. Do you understand?”
Sniffling, Kimberly held on to Bianca as if she was her lifeline. “Yes, I understand.”
Anger burned in her chest toward the sexual predator that had done this evil thing to the once carefree and well-adjusted girl. During their counseling sessions, Bianca discussed with Kimberly continuing the sessions once she returned home after the baby’s birth. She prayed the young girl would take her advice because she had a long road to recovery ahead of her. The last thing she wanted for Kimberly was for this horrendous event in her life to lead her down a destructive path.
Giving her a tight squeeze, she pleaded, “Just promise me that you will let me help you find a therapist once you go back home.”
Bianca breathed a sigh of relief when the teen acquiesced with a nod of her weary head.
––––––––
FOUR DAYS LATER
Shuffling wearily from the upstairs bedroom with her destination being the kitchen, Bianca covered her mouth to conceal an enormous yawn. Passing the living and dining rooms she let out a deep sigh. The partially packed boxes littering the floor were a result of her sleep deprivation. Her intentions had been to have all of her necessary belongings packed and loaded in her car by this afternoon. She had found a cute little studio apartment not far from her job. Using her negotiating skills, she persuaded the landlord to give her a month to month lease. Although it was unlikely, she didn’t want to commit to a year’s lease just in case she and Wesley could work things out.
Looking around at the mess she breathed out, “I’m too exhausted to deal with any of this.” Although she read at least a dozen books on parenting and newborn behaviors, she simply wasn’t prepared. Baby Kendell, as adorable as she was, had her days and nights confused. While the world was fast asleep, little Miss Kendell was content being snuggled in her new mommy’s arms. Bianca was just as content, too. However, the second she tried to lay her down, Kendell would put up a fuss. The poor little thing’s wailing tugged at her heart making it hard to resist picking her back up. Bianca softly chuckled. “I’m such a sucker for baby girl.”
Rocking, cooing words of love and softly singing lullabies to Kendell soothed Bianca’s troubled spirits as much as it calmed the newborn. For the past four days she wondered how her heart could be filled with so much joy, but yet in agony all at the same time. Going against her mother’s wishes to be with Wesley had been one of the toughest decisions of her life. And now she was faced almost with the same dilemma. From the moment she held her daughter in her arms she was madly in love. She would rather die before turning Kendell over to another adoptive parent or worst yet, foster care.
As much as she loved her husband, she wasn’t willing to live the rest of her life without being a mother and loving a child. If she stayed and continued to give in to his demands to a marriage without children, she would grow to resent him and their life together. That was too high of a price to pay.
Yawning again, Bianca filled the sink with hot soapy water and began washing dirty dishes that were on the counter for days. Finishing the dishes, she let the water out, thoroughly cleaning the sink before filling it with hot soapy water again, this time cleaning the baby’s bottles. After they were all cleaned, she filled them with formula before placing them in the refrigerator.
Now that the kitchen was looking back to normal again, Bianca fixed herself a turkey and Swiss sandwich on rye bread. Grabbing grapes and a bottle of water Bianca took a seat at the kitchen table. She took a healthy bite of her sandwich. Slowly chewing Bianca admitted that she had no desire to divorce Wesley. Even though she loved him and knew he loved her; their love for each other would never fulfill her innate yearning to be a mother.
The one thing Bianca would never do is force a child on Wesley that he didn’t want. She had grown up in a home with parents bickering and fighting over everything and nothing until her dad finally got fed up and left. As it was, there was already a strain on their marriage at the idea of her wanting a baby. There was no way she would put Kendell through the emotional rollercoaster of having to walk on eggshells every time she and Wesley argued because he resented being a father.
Twisting off the cap to the bottled water she took a sip. Setting the bottle down, she wiped her mouth with a napkin. Tears filled Bianca’s eyes as she twisted the napkin in her hands. What did it matter? She was leaving anyway. The second Wesley took one look at Kendell, he would most likely become so angry and tell them both to get out.
Cleaning up her mess, Bianca looked at the clock on the microwave. She had a few minutes to pack up the last of her things before Kendell woke up. First thing tomorrow morning she’d be ready to move into her new apartment.