I do not care so much what I am to
others as I care what I am to myself.
I want to be rich by myself, not by borrowing.
— MICHEL DE MONTAIGNE
I received a voice-mail message from a friend who is a massage therapist at a luxury hotel. “Call me,” she requested excitedly. “I have to tell you about my brush with greatness.”
When I returned her call and ask her what had happened, she told me, “I massaged Dustin Hoffman today.”
Well, that was cool. Yet something about her phrase “my brush with greatness” did not sit well with me.
“Dustin Hoffman is a great actor,” I told her. “But when you say ‘my brush with greatness,’ it sounds as if he is great and you are not, and you were lucky to touch greatness for a moment. In my opinion you are just as great as he is. You are an outstanding massage therapist and an awesome person. Who knows, maybe after his massage he phoned a friend and reported, ‘I have to tell you about my brush with greatness.’”
Many of us believe that greatness lives outside of us, and if we can somehow import it, we too will be great. We believe that we are empty or lacking and others are whole, and we can offset our lack by getting some of their light to shine into our darkness. So we emulate them, idolize them, rub shoulders with them, drop their names, get our photos taken with them, and build our identity around theirs, hoping that the power, beauty, wealth, fame, love, or happiness they possess will become our own. Yet when we seek to live in reflected glory, we miss the glory we already own.
You are already a star in your own right, and no one outside you can add to your brilliance. Instead of importing greatness from the outer world, tap into the magnificence you already own and are, and bring it forth. You do not need to brush with greatness; you simply need to brush from greatness.
Heartthrobs and Hot Rods
Do you need any person, object, or ideology to give you a sense of self-worth? Does your experience of validation come from others, or yourself?
Teenagers, for example, are prone to seek to borrow identity. Girls develop a crush on the latest heartthrob, and they wallpaper their bedrooms with photos of their idol. While such adoration is innocent enough, it sets up the dynamic: “If I can just fill my world with him, I will feel beautiful and lovable.” Later the girl as a young woman chooses a fantasy husband who could not possibly live up to Prince Charming’s résumé. When his human foibles come to the fore, she becomes disappointed, frustrated, and angry. Many couples part at such a juncture, while others use the shift from idol to real person to build an authentic relationship between two human beings. They do not seek to derive worth from the relationship; instead, they bring worth to it, which makes the difference between disaster and fulfillment.
Young men play out the same dynamic with cars. The guy with the coolest car gets the hottest girl. So the fellow spends all of his money on a custom candy-apple-painted car with glimmering wheels, augmented lifters, purple lights flashing around the license plate, and a sound system with bass booms you can hear in Antarctica—all in hopes of attracting a girl who will be impressed by his (hot) rod.
Fortunately, in spite of all of our attempts to import worth, life disrobes phoniness, rewards authenticity, and leads us back to our innate splendor. When Mr. Hot Rod finds a girlfriend who loves him just for his car, he feels even emptier because he as a person is absent from the equation of love in the relationship. He has also set up his relationship to self-destruct by attracting someone who is equally enamored of an object.
Whenever there is an agreement that objects or idols are more valuable than people, despair must enter and point us back to who we are, not what we own. The universe is constantly, lovingly, persistently, patiently nudging us (sometimes with a sledgehammer) back to the one essential truth that makes us happy:
You are valuable and lovable for who and what you are.
Nothing outside you can add to or detract from your inherent wholeness.
Your True Quest
The need for others to validate you is really a quest for self-validation. If you know your worth, you do not need other people to affirm it. If you do not recognize your worth, all the validation in the world will not fill the void you perceive. Your worthiness depends on nothing outside you, and everything inside you. Consider this bumper sticker: GOD LOVES YOU, AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
Many people spend a lot of time, energy, effort, and money trying to prove themselves to others. They amass degrees, corporate clout, trivial data, sex appeal, celebrity friends, and trendy jargon, all in hopes of impressing other people and demonstrating their wisdom, power, beauty, and achievement. Yet the proving game is booby-trapped from the start. When you begin with the assumption that you are not enough, and if you can just get enough people (or one significant person) to recognize that you are enough, you set yourself up to lose, because your initial premise was faulty. The more you try to prove yourself, the more you need to prove.
In the movie Cool Runnings (based on a true story), an unlikely team from Jamaica enters the Olympic bobsled contest. On the eve of their competition, one of the team members is troubled. When the coach asks him what is the matter, he explains that he will be ashamed if the team goes home without a medal. The coach tells him that if he is not good enough without a medal, he will not be good enough with a medal.
It is not titles that honor men, but men that honor titles.
— Niccolò Machiavelli
No medal can make you more than you already are, and no lack of a medal can make you less than you already are. Kudos from the outer world are fun, but not necessary. Self-acknowledgment is the most valuable trophy you can place on your soul’s mantel. Either you have inner peace or no peace. As you cultivate the knowledge of your intrinsic worth, you cease to be the slave of outer opinion and you source your life from your soul.
Get a Faith-Lift
I saw a television news story on “The Human Barbie,” a woman who has undergone more than a hundred cosmetic surgeries at a cost of over a million dollars. When the interviewer asked her why she had gone to so much trouble and expense to look like a doll, she explained, “When I was not so pretty, I went to parties and men dissed me. Now I take great pleasure in dissing them.” How much time, trouble, and money could this woman have saved simply by knowing her beauty and worth?
Cosmetic surgeries can be helpful if they improve your self-image and confidence. The better you feel about yourself, the more effective you will be. Before submitting to the knife, just check your motivation. If you approach your nips, tucks, and enhancements with a creative, self-honoring intention, enjoy the adventure. If you believe that they will make you something you are not and gain you love or approval, tread carefully. Consider, instead, getting an attitude-lift.
Real beauty is an energy you exude from within. I know many women and men who might not be considered attractive from a glamour-magazine standpoint, but they radiate such zest for life that everyone loves them and wants to be around them. My friend Elsita was 89 years old when I met her. She had such tremendous charisma that everyone in the community vied to be in her presence. I used to invite Elsita to be a guest lecturer at my Life Mastery Training programs. She would tell spicy stories about her life, recite from memory poetry she wrote at the outset of World War I, and reveal her beauty secrets to the group. (Her skin was hardly wrinkled.)
Elsita explained, “Every morning I stroke cream on my face with the affirmation ‘Beauty, beauty, beauty … love, love, love … joy, joy, joy.” Elsita’s secret was not the cream, but the affirmation, which penetrated deep into her cells. Everyone loved Elsita not because she was a beauty queen, but because love oozed from her pores. That made her a real beauty queen.
A Course in Miracles asks us to remember, “I have a kingdom I must rule.” That kingdom is not a geographical domain; it is the realm of the mind and heart.
The real shift you seek is not geographical, but attitudinal. When you see yourself from the perspective that God sees you—whole, perfect, and beautiful—you can drop your quest to become worthy. Your true value is built into you.
Can you remember who you were, what you knew, and how you felt before you were taught that you had to earn validation? When you reclaim that crucial memory, all the people whose approval you sought will be unimportant, for you have gained approval from the only person who matters.