MEEKS

44

 

I’m glad I had taken leave on Monday. That allowed me the opportunity to wait until after rush hour to check out the hotel and head back to Virginia. I wished I could say that everything was wonderful. Nope. There’s still a lot of healing to be done. Even surrounded by family, I still felt the resentment. I saw the life that my brother had—the opportunity to live with both a mother and a father—and the jealousy returned. I talked to my sisters on the phone and heard about the excitement in their lives, and I was envious. Even April was kind, but I resented her the most because if it wasn’t for her, maybe my parents would have gotten married and the life my siblings had could have been my life.

Daddy and I talked and spent most of the time alone, just the two of us. He allowed me to yell and cry and was always ready with open arms to hold me. It was going to take time to undo all the years of hurt and resentment, but I was on a path of recovery and I was going to continue no matter how difficult the journey. I owed it to myself. No matter how broken and insecure I felt, I was worthy of love.

I had made it as far as Richmond when my phone rang. Mama was calling. I mentally prepared myself for the verbal beatdown I was about to endure.

I pushed Talk on the steering wheel. “Hello, Mama.”

“I just heard some disturbing news from your sister.”

I guess that meant she and Layla were now back on speaking terms.

“What is that, Mama?”

“That you drove to Maryland to see your father.” She didn’t even give me a chance to speak. “Please tell me you’re not that damn stupid.”

I cringed and felt like that little girl again, curled up on the bed broken and alone. “I’m not stupid. I wanted to talk to him.”

She cackled. “You’re beginning to sound like your sister. After all he’s done to you and to me, why would you even do that?”

“Because he’s my father, Mama, and I had so many unanswered questions.”

“I’ve always been honest. I told you everything you needed to know, so what could he possibly tell you that I couldn’t?”

I didn’t answer.

“And no matter how you spin it, Dayana, he abandoned you. He’s never been there for any of us. I told you that.”

“That’s not what he told me.”

“And you believe that bastard over me?” She was appalled.

“Mama, I’m not sure what I believe anymore. All I know is that I have issues I have to work out. Issues that are affecting my relationships. I don’t know how to trust. I can’t seem to have a relationship with a man.”

“What did I tell you? Men can’t be trusted. I taught you a long time ago the only person you can trust is yourself and God. Everyone else will disappoint you.”

Uneasiness settled in my stomach. The same way it always did after one of her lectures. I had heard this my entire life and she had me believing that there was no such thing as trust until you verified. All these years, I had endured her ridicule and humiliation.

“Mama, I can’t continue like this. It’s affecting my life. I want a husband and children. I want to be happy.”

She gave a harsh laughed that sent a chill racing down my spine. “Happiness? There’s no happiness, especially not with a man. The only happiness you’ll ever find is within yourself.” She was only partly right. I needed to learn how to first be happy with me before I could ever find happiness with anyone.

How could I have been so stupid all these years to allow myself to be so insecure and empty inside?

“Mama, I’m going to have a relationship with my father and I’m going to fix my life. But you’ve got to change, Mama. You can’t spend the rest of your life allowing this bitterness to eat you up inside. Look at what it’s done to your life. In fact, look at what it’s done to your girls.”

There was silence on the other end, only heavy breathing.

“Dayana, I better go. I’m watching Maury and they’re getting ready to reveal if this fool is the father or not. I’ll call you later.”

The phone went dead and I drew a breath. She would never change, but that wasn’t going to stop me. I scrolled through my contacts and called Layla.

“Hey, Day.”

“I talked to him,” I announced.

“Good, I’m so happy.” Layla sounded relieved. “I talked to Mama.”

“I know. She just called to cuss me out.”

There was a silent pause while I thought about all the years we had endured the wrath of Rhonda.

“Day, I tried, like I promised. But I’m not ready yet to fix my relationship with Mama. I don’t want that toxic behavior around Maya.” Her voice was filled with frustration.

“I agree. I don’t want my niece growing up with her drama.” No child deserved that. I quickly changed the subject. “April and Daddy invited me down for the holiday.”

“Are you going to come?” I could tell she was holding her breath with anticipation.

I blew out a shaky breath. “Yes, I’m going. I’m looking forward to seeing everyone.”

“I’m so happy to hear that,” she squealed. “We’re planning to drive to Maryland as well.”

“One big happy family,” I sang while brushing tears away from my eyes.

“We can be. We just have to want it bad enough,” she told me.

I paused for a moment, her confident words had rattled me, but I pulled it together and straightened my shoulders. “I was calling because I wanted to know if your therapist is taking any new patients.”

“Yes, she is,” she was quick to say.

I hesitated for a second before admitting, “Good, then I’m going to need that number.”

“Wonderful. I’m texting it to you now.”