After my heart opens,
I am no longer in control.
And that’s how True Love finds me.
When It does, my brain short-circuits
because it cannot comprehend
What I am encountering.
But every cell in my body
Recognizes Its Maker.
I fall to the ground.
I had forgotten what True Love
truly was.
It is the precursor to Strength.
It is the prototype of Power.
It is the Genesis of Life.
It is the beating Heart of this Universe,
and nothing “beats” That.
While I experienced True Love at the crucifixion
during my fetus soul-fragment retrieval,
it was through my parents’ hearts.
Now, I was experiencing True Love
through my own heart.
I haven’t had this direct and unfiltered
personal contact with It
since I first entered this Universe.
True Love asks: Do you trust Me?
I become excruciatingly aware
of all my agendas and strategies
to get Love:
By being spiritual enough.
By helping people.
By looking and sounding and doing right.
By making up for my past mistakes.
By fighting hard enough for It.
By taking down the Church and resurrecting the Original Lineage.
By making my parents proud, and humanity want me, and this world accept me.
By healing my core wounds.
By retrieving and embodying my soul.
By making myself worthy of It.
But I can’t.
I can’t control or manipulate
the Heart of this Universe.
And I don’t need to.
Because what I’m Experiencing
in these Moments of All Moments
is that
True Love is always Loving us,
no matter what we do or don’t do
or who we are or aren’t.
No one and nothing
can stop Love from Loving.
But we can block ourselves
from receiving and giving
True Love.
I have.
While I can’t make myself
be Truly Loved or Truly Love,
I can practice letting go
of everything I have put
in True Love’s Way,
including all my strategies and agendas.
I can’t be a Goddess.
Or an Enlightened Masteress.
Or the immaculate child
of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene.
I have to be everything my inflated ego and deflated wounds
and this fixing, perfecting, proving, achieving, winning,
self-helping, enlightenment-seeking, spiritually overambitious
culture resists being.
I have to be human.
It’s the only Way True Love can Incarnate here.
Through me and as me,
as I am now.
or attempt to make myself into,
or believe I need to become.
For it’s clear to me,
crumpled up on the floor,
that my imperfection
is True Love’s Admission.
In other words, my brokenness
is True Love’s entrance.
And, True Love is what brings
all my pieces back together again.
For although we are just as Lovable
lost and scattered about,
we are not meant to stay lost
and scattered forever.
It takes True Love to Forget, Shatter, and Lose Ourselves
and
it takes True Love to Remember, Heal, and Find Ourselves.
All are Astonishing Acts of Self Love.
At this point, I’m still on the ground,
trembling and sweating,
and pretty damn sure I don’t feel That:
Self Love.
And I know I can’t make myself Love myself
no matter how important I believe it to be
or how many self-help books I read.
nothing is in my hands.
Everything is in Love’s Hands.
I have never felt more vulnerable or exposed or humbled.
I have never felt more human.
I sputter:
“I’m so sorry for thinking
I know better than You,
and for not trusting You, Love.
I am ready to learn how to trust You again.
I am ready to learn how to Live through You
and allow You to Live through me.”
I swallow and continue.
“I Know now that You
have always been here
with me and inside me.
You are the Red Beating Heart of me.
Thank you for Reminding me
What You Are, Who I Am,
and Why I am Here.
Thank you for holding
each of us,
and this entire Universe
Together.
I Love You, Love.”
True Love increases Its Presence,
charging up my cells and rushing through my veins;
then It fades away from my immediate awareness.
I slowly peel my drenched body off the floor
and feel my Lady’s heated Presence.
There is something else you need to face.
I raise my hands in surrender.
My Lady lovingly turns me around as Sera,
to face my soul, Sarah.
Reclaiming Sarah
Hell hath no fury like a scorned soul.
Sarah whips around me
like a tornado,
tearing everything apart.
I duck for cover, but she screeches,
“Look at me! Look at what you have done to your soul!”
She is pale with dark circles under her lifeless eyes.
Ragged black robes hang off her emaciated body.
“You continue to reject me!” Sarah shouts.
“You doubt and deny me!
You make me feel unworthy of Life!”
I gasp and feel like I’m going to be sick
as the truth of what Sarah is shouting
punches me in the stomach.
While I had merged with and retrieved Sarah’s soul fragments,
I had yet to reclaim Sarah as the essential part of my soul.
Sarah takes a step closer.
“You returned to the past in order to live freely in the present.
You have allowed yourself to feel lifetimes of repressed pain.
You are releasing trauma from your body and healing your core wounds.
You are retrieving and integrating previously lost and fractured parts of yourself.
You are forgiving those who have harmed you.
You are dropping your weapons and opening your heart.
You are Remembering True Love.”
Sarah raises her hand and jabs a thin finger at me.
“And yet you think your experiences of me are ‘crazy’!
When what’s actually ‘crazy’ is living without your soul!
You need your soul to be complete,
to contribute your gifts to this planet,
to feel Alive and to Incarnate True Love!
Soul loss is an underlying reason why humanity
and this planet are in such dire straits!
Doing what it takes to embody your soul is a Public Service!”
“Hold on, Sarah!” I cut in.
“I’m not exactly afraid to embody my soul,
I’m freaked out by who my soul claims to be!
Who you are, Sarah, not only bitch slaps the face of history
and challenges the largest religion on the planet,
but What you represent
as the missing Soul
in the Original Trinity,
contradicts what most people have been taught to believe is ‘God,’
and it implies that almost every spiritually sanctioned higher realm, end goal,
or ultimate state, such as Source, Oneness, Nondual Awareness,
Unity Consciousness, and enlightenment
are cosmic buffers
to Organic Reality
and purposeful decoys
en route to
Remembering and Reclaiming
our Distinct Divine Identity!
So, there’s also THAT!”
“EXCUSES!” Sarah roars.
“These are just ‘spiritual’ excuses
for why you can’t be yourself!”
Another truth bomb goes off in my belly
and I bend over, heaving,
as my history of self-rejection overwhelms me.
I have rejected both
my Divine Soul, the Red Lady,
and my human soul, Sarah,
collectively agreed-upon
spiritual realities.
While I have made amends with my Red Lady
and brought Her into my public life,
I’m still keeping Sarah locked underground.
My biggest fight is no longer (and perhaps never was)
with the Church, my demon, or oppositional forces.
It is with myself.
I am the Inquisition.
I’m oppressing Sarah in order to fit in, be liked,
and not make others uncomfortable
or upset the spiritual status quo.
I’m more worried about what people will think and feel
(you, my family, my publisher, my colleagues)
than what my soul thinks and feels.
But each time I reach outside of myself
for acceptance, I let go of my soul’s hand.
And Sarah is abandoned
once again.
Sarah takes another step closer to me.
“No matter how many people like you,
or how big your career or spiritual consciousness grows,
or how much you help others and this world,
you will never be fully human,
you will never be truly you
WITHOUT ME!”
Sarah steps even closer,
till we are almost touching,
and hoarsely whispers:
“I’m so tired of being alone, Sera.
I want to come home now.”
She wraps her thin arms around herself
and starts to sob.
My body is aching with Sarah’s pain,
but. I. just. can’t. do. this.
I’m astonished by how strong my refusal is to claim Sarah.
It feels childish and obstinate,
traumatic and tender.
It’s multifaceted and merged with my musculature.
It changes texture and shape with each movement I make.
It stretches back through time and forward into my possible future
collecting every piece of evidence it can find,
building a solid and convincing case why I should not claim Sarah.
It scrambles my mind and scaffolds my emotions,
creating confounding and countless layers
between my inner reality and the world’s reality.
Like, what the fuck does it mean if I do claim Sarah?
Does it mean I’m announcing to the world
that I’m the reincarnated daughter
of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene?
Am I really going to be that woman?
I can already imagine the cynics and jokes.
I mean, I wouldn’t take that woman seriously.
I can also envision my future inbox filled with earnest emails
from “long-lost reincarnated family members or friends,”
and public events where people project all their shit or shine onto me.
Or worse, what if someone acts violently toward me or those I love?
Few things madden people more than when their spiritual beliefs are threatened.
It all makes my skin want to crawl right off my body.
And how can I be sure that what I’m sharing is true?
There is nothing outside of me that can confirm anything
that I have experienced inside of me.
What if I’m wrong? What if this is just my psyche gone wild?
I drop my head as my chest caves in.
I feel lonely and weird enough as it is;
claiming Sarah feels like it will isolate me
even more.
I raise my head as my chest puffs out.
Why can’t I just be me?
Plain ol’ Sera Beak is good enough!
I don’t need to latch onto some sensational
—and possibly fabricated—figure from the past
in order to validate or ruin myself
and my mission in the present!
Fuck that!
There are far better ways to help this planet
than to claim Sarah!
My Lady interrupts:
What if reclaiming Sarah
is why you were born
and how you can best help this planet?
I instantly restock my refusal with new ammunition:
“Then why can’t I reclaim her in private?!
Remembering and writing Sarah’s story was healing for me.
Why publish this book for others to read?! How will this help them?
Or why can’t I at least make the book fiction or Jungian
and frame it as an example of active-imagination therapy?!”
I vigorously shake my head,
“I just don’t understand why
I have to go public with Sarah
like this.”
Silence is my Lady’s answer,
giving me the space to find my own.
Abruptly, my heart slaps my head.
THWACK!
behind this book’s reality
Reveals Itself:
True Love
in the form of
Self Love.
My hands find my chest
as my butt finds the floor.
Publishing this book
is a demonstration
of Love
for my soul.
Taking this risky and seemingly “crazy” leap of faith
shows my soul that I trust her and I believe in her.
Claiming my soul when the world has disclaimed her
is the Grand Finale of my soul’s retrieval,
and publishing this book is the perfect Setup for our Reunion.
Going public with my experiences
provokes my greatest fears, exposes my core wounds,
reactivates my trauma, triggers every loose part of me,
precisely stimulating my predisposition of self-abandonment,
thereby, offering me chance after chance to do
what I haven’t been willing or able to do in the past:
Embrace my Soul.
The tectonic plates of my Being suddenly shift.
Holy Fuck.
It’s never been about proving Jesus and Magdalene’s marriage,
saving the Lineage, or some “big mission.”
Loving and accepting myself is my mission.
It’s how I carry on the Lineage!
It’s my Redvelation!
My body catches Fire with my Truth.
This book is not about a woman claiming
to be the reincarnation of Jesus and Magdalene’s child!
This book is about a woman reclaiming her own soul!
Sarah is more than a person from a previous life
or a soul fragment.
Sarah is the timeless essence of my soul
who is
the daughter of Jesus and Magdalene,
and the daughter of this Universe.
The difference between these perspectives anchors me
and reminds me of my Soul’s Choice to be Sarah.
Withholding my soul from the world
is withholding my support and love
for other souls and my Parents.
It’s doing the same thing that
I’ve accused the Church of doing:
tampering with the Original Trinity.
means reaccepting
my Original Role
and rejoining
my human
and holy family.
It means being the Third,
like we all are,
which requires
that I live and share
my truth
here in this Universe,
here on this planet,
and here in this book.
I turn toward my raggedy, withered soul
who has been watching patiently from the sidelines.
I look her straight in the eyes,
and with all my heart I apologize:
“I’m so sorry, Sarah.
I am so sorry for what I have done to you.”
She stares at me, warily.
“I don’t know what to do with all my pain,” she quietly states.
“Give it to me, Sarah. For I am the one who has caused it,” I answer.
She does.
Years ago, I felt the pain of abandoning
my Divine Soul, the Red Lady.
Now I was feeling the pain
of abandoning my human soul, Sarah.
It’s the worse pain I have ever felt.
It’s the kind of pain that comes forward
when you finally admit
that you have left yourself behind.
I’m sitting on the ground,
legs bent behind me,
forcing myself to breathe.
Every part of me
feels like it is hurting
every other part of me,
until all I am is
HURT.
I grow dizzy and sway,
my legs slip beneath me.
And then,
like a tornado,
it passes.
Leaving just me.
But it looks and feels like
I’m restrained
by two thousand straightjackets.
I can’t move, and I can barely breathe.
I panic and struggle to escape this bound position
that I have kept my soul in for so long,
but it is useless.
I feel my heart beating against the constraints
and become aware that it was specifically designed
to handle this sort of thing.
It’s all the muscle I need.
ba boom, ba boom, ba boom
I follow its bold lead
and make a bold decision:
to accept and love myself
for abandoning my soul.
My heart beats louder
and grows bigger and brighter.
ba boom, ba boom, ba boom
With each encouraging heartbeat
I decide to accept and love myself
a little more,
ba Boom
Ba Boom!
and even more,
Ba Boom!!
My heart keeps growing
larger, stronger, and Redder,
pushing, pushing, pushing
against the straightjackets:
Ba BOOM!! Ba BOOM!! Ba BOOM!!
Until finally my soul’s bindings explode