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Sara carried the last of the groceries into the kitchen and set the bag on the counter. She turned the laptop on and went to unpack the food while the laptop booted up. She was still waiting to see the schedule for Robbie's hockey team, the practices and games. Once she had it, Sara had to cobble together options to keep Ben busy. She wasn't looking forward to it. The practice rinks could be as far as forty minutes away and the games even farther.
Robbie came in from the mudroom.
"Hi, Mom," he said.
Sara flooded with guilt, over her resentment about the hockey schedule. Robbie wanted this. He needed this. But still, chess club would have been so much easier.
"Hi, Rob," Sara gave him a hug, which Robbie immediately squirmed away from.
"Do we have any pizza?"
"Yes. I just got some. It's in the freezer in the basement."
Robbie headed to the basement stairs, but stopped in front of the laptop.
"Mom," Robbie said, pointing to the laptop. He sounded excited. "It's Ty, look!"
Sara went and stood next to Robbie. The headline said, "Second version of Ty Winslow/Inya video for So Unexpected released today. Inya's club in LA to open tonight."
"Can we watch it? The video?"
Sara snapped out of the daze she was in. Getting blindsided by news about her ex-boyfriend on the internet still stunned her.
She said immediately, "Absolutely not."
"Why not?"
Oh brother. Sara was sorely tempted to say, "Because I said so," but she kept her head. Which wasn't easy, because she was wondering why on earth there was a second version of the video. Hadn't the first one been enough?
"I have to watch it first, without you. Make sure there isn't anything inappropriate in it."
Robbie rolled his eyes, but kept his mouth shut. Then he headed down to the basement to get the frozen pizza. Sara logged into her e-mail just to get the video news off her screen and quickly scanned the inbox and the spam too for good measure. Nothing from the hockey coach. Really? It was Thursday and practice was supposed to start next week. Didn't they know people had other stuff to do?
Sara knew her annoyance about the hockey was blown out of proportion because she was reeling from the idea of another video. Robbie came back up and got his pizza started. The he took out his homework. Sara made a quick decision. She grabbed the laptop and unplugged it.
"I'm going upstairs," she told Robbie.
He didn't answer her, for which Sara was grateful. She went up to her room and locked the door. Then she sat on the bed and pulled up the original webpage then the story then hit the link to the video. The video started. Sara turned the sound down, so she could barely hear it. The video was different. Ty was playing with his band in a club. Sara remembered he had told her they had shot lots of footage of that, but it hadn't been used in the original video.
Then the shot changed to Inya in bed with Ty. Making out. In slow motion. This video didn't flip back and forth between scenes as much as the first. Made it really easy to see that Inya was really naked, under the sheet. It changed back to the club scene and back to the bed. Then again. In the last shot Sara could clearly see Inya pulling her hands under the sheet. Just like Ty had said it had happened. Then Ty pulled back from Inya and the look on his face was hard to read. Sara reached out and dragged the cursor back and replayed it. She couldn't be sure what it was.
Sara watched the video to the end. Then she watched hit the replay button and watched it again. Then she closed the window. "It doesn't matter," Sara told herself. With, or without, the second video, Ty was gone. She shut the laptop and went back downstairs. On the way down she debated whether or not she should tell Robbie, right away, he couldn't watch the video or wait until he brought it up again. Probably she would wait. Didn't she always?
"Mom," Robbie said, as Sara was plugging the laptop back in.
"What?" Sara said, turning back to him. "Vocabulary tomorrow? You want me to quiz you?"
Rob had a vocabulary test just about every week, and it was easier to quiz him before Ben got home and was jumping around, jabbering and interrupting. If Sara got really lucky, Robbie would help Ben with his homework while Sara started dinner. Sara just had to keep an eye on them and make sure Robbie was helping Ben not doing the work for Ben.
"No, I mean, yeah sure, but I was just wondering, when is Ty coming back to play in Boston?"
"Why?"
"Well, he said we could go to the show, right? Do you think maybe I could ask a couple of my friends to go to? Would that be okay?"
"Oh, no," thought Sara.
"Rob, you haven't told anybody about the tour, have you?"
"No, not yet. I wanted to see if it was okay, if anyone else could go."
"Rob," Sara went over to the kitchen table, pulled out a chair and wearily sat down. "Don't tell anybody about the tour, okay?"
"Um, okay," Robbie said. He looked Sara up and down before he asked the question Sara knew he would. "Why?"
"Because," Sara said, then willed herself not to cry. "Ty and I aren't together anymore."
"What do you mean?"
"Before Ty left, before he went back to LA, we broke up. So we aren't going to see him when he comes to Boston, or Covalent. I'm sorry Rob/ I know you were looking forward to it."
"It's okay," Rob said and Sara knew it wasn't.
Rob shoved his vocabulary list towards her, and Sara read off the words. When they were done Sara looked at the clock. Ben wouldn't be home for twenty or so more minutes. Sara looked at Robbie. He was shuffling through his binder looking for more homework.
"Robbie," Sara winced at her mistake. "Rob, look I just want you to know, that Ty leaving, it didn't have anything to do with you. Or Ben. Sometimes adult relationships," Sara was struggling to find the right things to say. Robbie glanced up at her and quickly turned his eyes back to his papers. "Adult relationships are complicated."
That earned her another eye roll from Robbie.
"I know that, Mom."
"Ty..." Sara felt compelled to reassure Robbie, that the relationship that Robbie had had with Ty was real, which was kind of stupid.
Sara felt like an idiot, like she could have seen it coming. Ty had made her feel like everything between them was so special and then he just dumped her and walked away. Yeah, he had been great with her kids, but what did that really matter? For some reason, Sara felt it was important to reassure Robbie that Ty had cared about him. Probably because she didn't want Robbie to feel as stupid, and used, as she felt. If Robbie was feeling that way, which was what—a fifty-fifty chance? But, if Robbie was feeling that way, it was all Sara's fault. She had brought this guy into their lives, without thinking about the consequences at all. So stupid. So naive. So selfish. How could she have done this? She should have been more careful. Her kids had been through enough.
Sara looked up and found Robbie staring at her. Sara's eyes were wet, but the tears weren't for herself. They were for her kids.
"Mom?" Robbie said nervously.
"Ty told me you wanted to play hockey again. That's why I asked you," Sara told him.
"So?"
"Rob, I just want you to know, if you want to talk about it, you can talk to me okay?"
"Do I have to?"
"No, only if you want to."
"Good, I'm going to do my math homework," Robbie paused. "Okay?"
"Yeah, honey, fine. I'm going to go get Ben off the bus."
Sara fled the kitchen and went out to the driveway. It was beautiful out. "Congratulations, you just made it worse," Sara told herself. Maybe she should tell Ben as soon as he got home. She would do a piss poor job of that as well, but at least it would be over. One miserable afternoon and they would never have to mention Ty again. Sara was still mulling over what to say, when the bus pulled up. Ben hopped off the bus.
"Hi, Mom!"
Sara waved to the bus driver, as the bus pulled away, and hugged Ben.
"Guess what Mom? Mikayla threw up in class! All over her desk! And we had to wait in the hall while the guy cleaned it up."
"Wow, that's very exciting," Sara said, making a mental note to stick a bucket in Ben's room, at bedtime.
"It was so gross. Do we have any cookies?"
"Um, I think so, Ben," Sara said. "I have to talk to you."
Ben cocked his head up and looked at her, curiously.
"The thing is Ben, Ty, he's not coming back, after the tour. He's not coming back ever."
Ben twitched his nose one way and then the other. Then he shrugged.
"What kind of cookies do we have, Mom?"
"Umm," Sara stalled, confused. Then she decided to do the exact opposite of what she really wanted to do, which was make sure Ben was okay. In the way that had really backfired with Robbie. "Leave it alone," Sara told herself.
"Chocolate chip?" Ben asked.
"Let's go see and, if not, we can make some."
Ben ran ahead and Sara was left to wonder if cookies were the best thing to feed a kid who was potentially, no most likely, coming down with a stomach bug. There were no cookies and they did make a batch, all three of them, working together in the kitchen. Robbie quizzed Ben on his spelling words while Sara made dinner. Finally all that was left was the nightly bedtime battle.
Worn out, as usual, and wondering if Ben was ever going to grow out of it, Sara trudged back down the stairs. Robbie was lying on the couch reading.
"You need to head up too, Rob," Sara told him.
"Okay Mom."
"Good night," Sara wondered if she should chance a hug and decided against it. She had put the kid through enough poor parenting for one day.
Rob grabbed his book and headed for the stairs. Sara threw herself down on the couch, looked around for the remote, realized she'd have to get up, to get it, and sighed.
"Mom?"
Sara looked up. Robbie was standing behind the couch looking down at her.
"What's up?" Sara asked him.
"I think, well, for a long time, I was kind of mad. At Dad."
Sara was startled. Where had this come from? Robbie never talked about Dan. Never.
"You were mad at him?" Sara asked, carefully.
"Yeah, I was," Robbie looked at his feet. "Pretty stupid huh?"
Sara sat up on the couch and slid backwards, so she could look more directly at Robbie.
"It's not stupid, honey, pretty normal actually," Sara said, thinking about the grief stages, in the pamphlets they had, at the hospital, at the hospice, everywhere.
"Well, the thing is, Dad didn't want to leave us. So it's kind of stupid for me to be mad at him, isn't it?"
"He didn't want to leave us, honey," Sara said quietly. "He fought as hard as he could, for as long as he could. But if you were mad at him about it, that's okay too."
"I'm not mad at him anymore," Robbie said. "But sometimes I really miss him."
"Me too, honey," Sara said, and she raised herself up to her knees and hugged Robbie across the back of the couch.
From the way Robbie was shaking, and the way he was breathing, Sara was pretty sure he was crying, at least a little.
"It was nice when Ty was here. Wasn't it, Mom?"
Sara pulled back from Robbie. He was scared, probably, and with good reason. He was expecting Sara to fall apart again, the way she had when Dan had died. Right after New Year's Sara had given up, for a little while. After the holidays were over Sara had felt positively deflated. When the kids had gone back to school, the first day after winter break, Sara crawled back into bed. Then she had done the same thing the next day, and the next.
Sara thought back to the days she had gone back to bed, as soon as the kids had left for school and hadn't moved until they got home. Siobhan had dropped off groceries for a couple of weeks. Siobhan had been doing that, once a week, since Dan went in for treatment. Other than occasionally thinking about how much money Siobhan was spending on food for her and the boys and that Sara should pay her back, Sara didn't give it a second thought. Then one day Sha had shown up unannounced, earlier than usual. No groceries. She had announced that Sara was going to the supermarket with her, no ifs, ands or buts.
Sara had refused and Siobhan had been furious. Sara had buried her head in the pillow, and only vaguely wondered what Siobhan was doing, storming around in her bathroom. Then Siobhan went stomping down the stairs and Sara figured she was leaving. But Siobhan wasn't leaving. Sara figured it out when Siobhan came back to the bedroom and ripped the covers off Sara. Siobhan had been looking for a mirror and, unable to find a handheld one in the bathroom, she had taken the one off the wall in the downstairs hallway. It had a much bigger impact on Sara than a little compact mirror would have.
"Look at yourself," Siobhan had screamed at her holding the mirror, out in front of her, like a shield. Sara had reached for the covers, but Siobhan had yanked them away. "You want to die too? Sorry, but you can't! Not an option. Now pull your shit together and take a shower. We're going to the fucking supermarket."
Sara looked at Robbie. It had only been a couple of weeks. She had showered and gone to the supermarket, and the next week had applied for the food service job at the school. The req on that job had been tied up in budget arguments for almost a year, but the district office had called her when the recess position opened up. A week after that call, she was working. Sara had wanted her world to end when her husband died, but it hadn't. It hadn't been the end of the world, not Dan's dying and not her falling apart either. But she would never forgive herself, for the second part. For making it even worse for her kids, than it already was.
"Rob, it was nice when Ty was here," Sara felt herself getting stronger with every word. "It was, but he's gone now and it's okay. I'm okay. We're going to be fine. We really are."
Sara grabbed, and squeezed, Robbie's hand, until he pulled away. He headed up the stairs, pausing only to look back quickly and give Sara the smallest hint of a smile. Sara sank back onto the couch and stretched out. She folded her arms confidently. She'd be fine. They would be fine. For the first time in a long time, Sara had no doubt. No doubt about the future and no doubt in herself.