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"Can we do the cake now?" Ben asked.
"Um, maybe after dinner," Sara said, smiling at him.
"Can I light the candles?"
"No, no way, absolutely not," Sara thought, but she tempered her response, as kindly as she could and said, "I don't really need candles, Ben."
"Yes, you do. You need thirty nine candles, plus one to grow on," Ben was insistent.
"Oh, sweet Jesus," Sara thought to herself. The idea of Ben attempting to light forty candles on a cak was so absolutely terrifying, that she barely registered the fact that she would be forty in a year. Barely, but it registered.
"Look," Sara said as she ran across the kitchen and quickly dug through a drawer. She pulled out a nine candle and, after a little more digging, managed to find a three candle as well. She held them up for Ben's inspection. "See, thirty-nine."
"One to grow on," Ben said firmly.
Sara added one more, plain, candle to the pair in her hand and held them up for Ben's approval. Ben studied the arrangement carefully, then nodded in agreement. Sara smiled at the back of him as he left the room. She took a second to figure out she would fill a pitcher with water and leave it on the table, then instruct Robbie to dump the water to extinguish, if necessary and figured it would be okay. Maybe a pitcher and a pot of water, just in case.
That settled, Sara turned her attention back to dinner. The homework was done. Rob was up in his room reading or something. From the living room she heard the distinctive sound of a box of Legos being dumped and that made her smile again. Sara had confided in Siobhan about Ty's generosity and Siobhan had offered her cash for a couple of the gift cards, which Sara had received in hundred dollar increments. Sara had used the cash for the Christmas shopping, which was done. She had been able to get Ben a couple of the Lego sets he had been coveting. Sara was really looking forward to Christmas morning.
Rob was getting tougher to buy for, but Sara had rounded out the clothes she had chosen for him, which he desperately needed, with some gift cards and even a little cash. Ty's gift had gone a long way and Sara had decided that she was not going to feel guilty about it at all. In fact, she was downright elated that she still had hundreds of dollars’ worth of gift cards tucked away upstairs ready for the skates Robbie would undoubtedly need, next winter.
Sara opened the fridge and grinned at the sight of her cake. She and Ben had baked it the previous week then froze it. Ben had decorated it that afternoon, using the frosting Sara had whipped up after hockey practice the night before. Sara didn't really care much about her birthday. Siobhan had surprised her, with a fairly large gift bag filled with various girly luxuries that the boys wouldn't have any interest in and Sara could keep all to herself. Sara ran through the inventory of what she had received, in her mind, and thought maybe after the boys were in bed she would try out one of the body scrubs, in a long hot shower.
Sara headed upstairs to call Rob to dinner. Ben was deep into his Lego project and didn't seem to notice her, as she passed through the living room. Standing outside the boys' adjacent bedrooms doors Sara stopped to finger their report cards. She had taped them up to each of her sons’ doors, along with some gold stars. The report cards had been a nice surprise too. Sara had been worried that the time spent on hockey was going to affect Robbie's grades, but he actually had done better than he had in a couple of years. "Probably his best report card since Dan had died," Sara thought, somewhat sadly.
Ben had done well too. Sara was used to hearing from teachers how cooperative Ben was and how he always listened and paid attention and followed instructions. She had given up trying to figure out how that was possible and just assumed Ben used up all the cooperation and listening he had in his system at school and, by the time he got home, he had none left.
Sara knocked on Robbie's door and announced dinner. He followed her down the stairs and Sara made the same announcement to Ben, twice, then walked over to him to touch his shoulder to get his attention. Ben left up and raced into the kitchen yelling, "What's for dinner?" over his shoulder.
"Chicken croquets," Sara replied.
"What are those?" Ben asked and even Robbie looked confused.
"Kind of like...homemade chicken nuggets."
Sara didn't know if the kids would eat them. The supermarket had done a fantastic sale on whole chicken roasters and Sara had consolidated the stuff in the freezers to make space for as many as she could. It made for a great meal on hockey practice nights, just set the oven on the timed bake and it was ready when they got home. Night after hockey practice was chicken leftover night and Sara had been experimenting with different recipes. Most nights Ben ended up eating cold leftover pasta out of the fridge anyway, but Sara had been happy to see Rob trying some of the new stuff and eating it. But maybe it was more that he was hitting that teenage boy growing and always starving phase.
After the dinner (Ben ate one croquet and then switched to pasta) Sara insisted they clean up and then she brought out the cake. Ben tried to light the candles, but quickly gave up to Sara's relief. She took a second to figure out her wish, then decided to wish for the boys to be okay at home alone when she went out on Saturday night with Kevin.
They were actually going on a real date. They had a reservation at a restaurant one town over, that had been built in an antique barn. It was on the top of the hill and the sunsets were said to be spectacular. Of course it was pitch black by four-thirty these days, but Sara was still looking forward to it.
Sara blew out the candles and served the cake, taking the smallest piece she could for herself. She had yet to try on anything nice for Saturday night and she was worried what exactly was going to fit and how it would look.
"Oh," Robbie blurted out and hurried out of the room.
"Where's he going?" Sara asked. She wasn't expecting Ben to answer, but he did.
"To get your present, I think," Ben said.
Robbie came down with an oddly wrapped square. There were two cards on it, both handmade, one from each of her sons. Ben had drawn a cake with forty candles on it. The last one was labeled "one to grow on" with a big arrow pointing to it. Rob's was less artistic, but Sara appreciated it just the same. Then curiosity go the better of her and she ripped open the present.
It was a middle school shirt. The PTO sold apparel in the fall and somehow there were always extras. Those ended up in the office and were sold on the cheap. Sara had seen the original order form which she had ignored and the announcement of the extras and the discount. When Robbie had been little she had always gotten him a shirt, every year, and she couldn't remember him ever wearing one of them, even when the school requested the kids would do so, for school pride day or whatever. After her finances had tightened up she had just recycled the order forms as soon as they came in.
Still, Sara was moved that Rob had gone to the trouble and spent his own money. She was especially touched that he had included Ben. She hugged each of them as long as they would allow it and then announced bedtime. Birthday or not, Ben stalled as long as he could, but Sara felt nothing but contentment while she put the cake away even though she could hear Ben in the living room working on his Legos, in direct defiance of her order to go upstairs for a shower.
Once the kids were tucked in, Sara headed into her bedroom and dumped the gift bag from Siobhan out on her bed. She took her time going through each item, occasionally putting one aside as a top contender to use right now. Then she heard the doorbell ring. Sara glanced at the clock. Nine thirty. She couldn't imagine who it could be. At times like this Sara really hated being alone. It wasn't unheard of for a motorist to seek help, not all the cell phone companies had decent coverage up here, still, but having strange people outside her house, in what felt like the middle of the night, made her uneasy.
Sara grabbed the phone from the nightstand and headed downstairs in the dark. It was dark out on the porch. She flipped the outside light on and quickly peered out the window next to the front door. She was relieved, though confused, to see it was Kevin. She turned the light on and opened the door for him.
"Hi," she said brightly. "I wasn't expecting to see you till Saturday."
"Hi, Sara, Can I come in?" Kevin asked.
"Sure," she said, opening the door wider and stepping aside.
Maybe he had found out it was her birthday. The thought of him being sweet enough to stop by just for that made her very happy. Kevin stepped into the hallway and Sara shut the door behind him and turned to face him.
"What's up?" she said. "Kind of late."
She was about to add that she was just about to take a shower, but caught herself just in time. That sounded way too much like an invitation and Sara was determined to take it slower this time.
"The thing is, Sara," Kevin said uneasily, shifting back and forth from one foot to the other. "It's, dammit, this is hard," he muttered, almost to himself, then he blurted out, "I'm getting back together with my wife."
"You’re getting back together with your wife? You mean your ex-wife?" Sara was completely unprepared for this particular announcement and was confused.
"Yes, ex-wife. I mean, technically we are divorced, but that was her idea, not mine, and I didn't want a divorce, but well," Kevin wasn't having any trouble talking now, once the bomb was dropped, it seemed pretty easy for him to continue. "Anyway, last night I was dropping Aiden off after practice and she invited me to stay for dinner and then after the kids went to bed we talked for a while and then," now Kevin turned a little red. "Sell there was more than talking, if you get it, sorry."
Sara said something along the lines of, "That's okay," when it wasn't. Not at all.
"She wants us to try to make it work and I want to do that. I really want to do that. I mean, I was happy, before the divorce, but she wasn't and if we can work it out and plus it would be better for the kids." Kevin was rambling and not being particularly coherent. He finished with, "I just want my family back, the way it was. Can you understand?"
"Yes," Sara said.
She understood alright. All too well. She just didn't have that option. Not now, not ever. Not with Dan and not with Ty either. She was angry too. Not at Kevin, okay a little bit at Kevin, but at life, or fate, or whoever or whatever was responsible. The anger helped her hold back the tears, but they were coming and she swiftly opened the door. Kevin stepped through it and the relief on his face was obvious.
"I'm sorry, Sara, really I am. You are really nice, I..."
He wasn't a bad guy, Sara knew that, it was just a bad situation. But she was really sick of being the one who got stuck with the bad situation. Could someone else have a turn perhaps? Just once?
"Thanks," she said, because one word was all she could manage, if she wanted to reserve any of her dignity and she desperately wanted to.
She locked the door and shut the outdoor light off. It would plunge Kevin into darkness and she half hoped he would stumble and twist his ankle or something. She slumped down on the stairs, sobbing a little and feeling utterly defeated. The tears ended quickly and she reminded herself they hadn't even been on real date, just hanging out with the boys at hockey practice and roller skating.
"Oh crap," Sara thought. She was going to have to see him at hockey practice and the games. That did it. She got up and headed to the pantry and pulled out Ben's bag of Halloween loot. She took the whole bag to the couch and grabbed the remote. Sara would use the shower stuff Siobhan had gotten her and she wouldn't wait for the perfect time to do it, risking it drying out or getting otherwise ruined. But she wasn't going to waste it on a night she felt this miserable. This was a chocolate and TV night.
Sara dug through the bag of candy and found something acceptable, then started paging through the guide. She stopped when she saw that the lingerie fashion show was on. Ty was on that. They had exchanged a couple of e-mails when Sara had thanked him for the skates and he was in New York, filming it at the time. Sara had taken a few seconds to consider what would have happened, if Ty hadn't broken up with her, before the tour. Would he just have wound up with Inya anyway? Cheating on Sara with her? Probably. Then she had forgotten about it. It was over and at the time she was looking forward to seeing where things went with Kevin.
"Might as well," Sara told herself dryly and clicked on the show. Then she dove back into the bag.
The show had just started and Sara thought perhaps there was a chance she had missed Ty, but she kept watching. Then after yet another very long commercial break he was there. Just him, singing "So Unexpected" in a spotlight. Then the spotlight was gone and the models started coming up and down the stage. Inya was the fourth or fifth one. "God, she really is that thin," Sara thought. You can't photo-shop that, not on a video, right?
For the most part the show was filmed, or more likely edited, in a very jumpy style, switching between this model and that one very quickly, but Inya had merited the camera's attention, uninterrupted, for her walk the entire length of the stage. "Her legs probably come up to my waist," Sara thought bitterly. Sara shoved the bag of candy aside, but it didn't matter. Not because the damage was already done, but because, no matter what, she would never look like that. Never.
Sara decided she had had enough and was going to bed. She glanced down for the remote, but realized it had fallen to the rug when she had pushed the bag of candy away. It seemed like an enormous task to retrieve it, so she turned her attention back to the TV, in time to see Ty smiling at Inya as she passed him on her way back up the stage.
The smile hurt more than anything else. More than knowing that they were together, more than getting dumped on her birthday by a guy she had barely been dating. Sara knew that smile and it used to be for her, all for her. Now it wasn't. It was real, that stupid Tinya thing. Ty was happy, Kevin was happy and what did Sara have? Nothing. Nothing at all.