Hannah ushered me inside. "Carlos?" she called out, and her husband came around the corner to see who'd arrived. He took one look at me and his face softened. Hannah lifted the baby she was holding, "Here, can you take her?"
Carlos quickly took little Ada, and Hannah threw her arms around me.
"I'm sorry," I said through my tears. "I know you've got a lot happening with Ada."
"Never mind that," she said, pulling me and Missy into the living room. "Tell me what happened." We sat down and she looked at me softly. "You told him you'd spoken to the police?"
"I didn't have to," I said, wiping my face. "My phone rang, it was Detective Zinberg. Joshua was there, and I think he might have pieced it together; that there'd been renewed police interest in his involvement, and then I get a phone call from the same detective?" I took a steadying breath. "Anyway, Joshua left in a hurry, and Isaac just sat there. He asked me outright if I was involved. I couldn't lie to him."
Hannah nodded sadly. "Shit, Carter. I'm sorry."
I shrugged. "And we had a big fight, it was so bad. He told me he didn't want me there. That we were over. He couldn't trust me." Fresh tears started to fall. "Fuck, Hannah, then he was so awful… you know how he says cruel things to hurt people?"
"Oh, God," she whispered. "What did he say?"
"He told me it wasn't surprising my ex cheated on me," I said, wiping my eyes on the sleeve of my tee-shirt. "He said I was suffocating him and maybe that's why Paul fucked someone else in my bed." I shook my head, digging the heels of my hands into my eyes, trying to stem off fresh tears. "He said I was suffocating him."
Hannah pulled me in for a hug. "God, he can be such a prick."
"He thinks I'm trying to control who he's friends with, who he can talk to," I mumbled to her through my tears. "Honestly, Hannah, I'm not! I don't care who he's friends with."
"I know you don't," she said soothingly. "As long as they're not some lying asshole like Joshua, trying to swindle money out of him."
"Isaac blames me," I told her. "He's not wrong, you know. I am to blame. It's my fault Joshua's under investigation. But I'm not sorry. I hope they pin him for everything."
Hannah asked me what else Detective Zinberg had said, and after I told her, she then asked me what other horrible things Isaac had shot at me. I told her everything.
Then she asked me about my ex, Paul, and why Isaac would bring that up.
I shrugged. "Just to hurt me. He knows everything that happened between him and me, and it was over a year before I even met Isaac. But I loved him," I told her, then I corrected myself. "Well, I thought I did, but then I met Isaac." I shook my head and took a deep breath. "I'd moved in with Paul; it was my idea. I wanted it and I think he just agreed to shut me up."
Then something occurred to me.
"Oh, God. How could I've been so stupid?" I said, as my head fell into my hands. "Just like Isaac. God, I pressured him into moving in with me too, didn't I?" I looked at Hannah then. "Am I that bad? Am I that needy? Suffocating?"
She shook her head. "No, Carter. Not at all. Isaac asked you to move in, remember?"
"Yeah, only because I pestered him for so long." Fuck. How could I have not seen that? "He said no for months. Oh God, I am suffocating."
"No, you're not!" Hannah said sternly, using the same tone she quite often used with Isaac when he was being a dick. "Isaac loves you. He does, with everything he is. He'll come around," she said. "He just needs time to cool down and see things for what they really are."
I shook my head. "I'm not sure he ever will. He was so mad. I've never seen him that pissed off. He was yelling… And we both know how stubborn he is."
Hannah frowned and let out a long sigh. "Maybe I should go visit him. See if he's okay. Or call him at least."
"I'm sorry for involving you," I told her. "I had nowhere else to go. I couldn't take Missy to a motel."
"I'm glad you came here," she said, patting my hand. "You're always welcome here."
Carlos stuck his head around the door. "Dinner's ready. It's only spaghetti bolognaise. Nothing fancy."
My stomach turned at the thought of food. I shook my head. "No, thank you. I'm not hungry."
Hannah looked at me, and put her hand on my knee. "You should eat."
I pushed my hand against my stomach, trying to quell the nausea at the mere mention of food. "Not tonight. I couldn't." Hannah frowned again, so I tried to smile for her. It was watery at best. "I'll go sit out back, at the patio table while you guys eat."
"Carter—"
"I could do with some time," I said quietly. Then I realized I hadn't even asked if I could stay here. "Is it okay if I crash on your couch? I can look for somewhere to live tomorrow…" My eyes welled with fresh tears.
"Oh, Carter," Hannah whispered. "Of course you can. But don't give up on him yet."
"It's not me who's giving up, Hannah…" was all I could get out before my emotions got the better of me. I shook my head, took a deep breath and walked through the house with Missy at my heels, to the back patio.
It was early evening, the sun had not long set. I sat at the table, Missy sat by my side like she knew something was wrong. I'd have emotions—tears, anger, hurt—come at me in waves, but I just sat there. I don't know for how long. Hours, I think.
I heard Hannah on the phone; it was a conversation that started out softly-spoken, but ended with Hannah yelling down the phone to Isaac that he was a stubborn ass, who's inability to see what was in front of him had absolutely nothing to do with his blindness.
She stomped out through the back door and threw herself into the chair next to mine. "That man… fucking arrogant sonofabitch… ugh… I love him, but I swear, some days I could punch the ever-loving shit out of him."
I gave her half a smile. "I take it that was Isaac."
She huffed. "He's impossible."
I took a deep breath, and asked the dreaded question. "Do I want to know what he said?"
Hannah shook her head. "He's really mad."
I knew what that meant. He told her he didn't want me back, he didn't want me at the house. He didn't want me. I nodded and swallowed so I could speak. "It's okay, Hannah. I understand."
"Carter, I'll try talking to him again tomorrow."
"It's okay," I whispered. I cleared my throat and stood up. "I might turn in, if that's okay? Could you show me where a blanket is? I'll crash on the sofa."
Hannah led me inside and down the hall to the first door. "It's the spare room, but it's not that organized. We just shoved everything in here when we set up the nursery for Ada, it's not too fancy, but it's a bed."
"It's perfect," I told her.
She stood in the doorway for a long moment. "Carter…"
"I'll be okay," I answered, without hearing the question. I looked at her then. "Thanks for this. I'm sorry to impose. Missy will be fine in the back yard for a day, she won't cause you any trouble."
Hannah frowned then, and her eyes welled with tears. "You're welcome to stay here for as long as it takes for…" she stopped herself from saying his name. "For as long as it takes." Then she said, "Oh, I'll just grab you a towel. Have a shower. It'll make you feel better."
She disappeared and came back half a minute later with a towel and some sleep pants. "They're Carlos'. They'll fit you." She smiled. "Get some sleep. We have a four week old alarm clock that chimes every three hours. And by chimes, I mean screams." She gave me a tired smile and left me to it.
I showered, dressed and climbed into the strange bed. The bed was queen size, cold and quiet. There was no body to lie next to, no soft chuckles, no tender finger tracing patterns up my spine. There were no arms wrapped around me, no whispered words in my ear. No soft snores, no one to tangle his feet in the sheets, no one to hog the blanket, no one to sleep on the diagonal, taking up most of the bed.
No one.
I stared at the wall until Ada cried at midnight, then again at three. I considered getting up to feed her, or burp her or even to walk with her. But then she was quiet, and somehow I slept until she woke up again at six.
I went through the morning, feeling detached. Carlos gave me a pile of clothes to wear, and I took them, too tired, or too emotionally wrecked to feel ashamed or embarrassed. I just took them with a nod for a thank you, showered and dressed. My stomach rumbled at the smell of coffee, but then promptly churned when it came to drinking it. I gave Missy a pat, then a cuddle, telling her not to worry, we'd sort out somewhere to live today.
When I stood up and turned around, Hannah was standing at the back door, holding her little bundle of pink, watching me with my dog. She was teary. "Carter, you know you can stay here."
"I know, and thank you," I said quietly.
"But you don't want to impose…"
I couldn't look at her, so I stared at the ground and nodded. "I just… I don't want him to think you're on my side, ya know? He really needs you."
"He needs you, too," she said.
I bit the inside of my lip, welcoming the pain instead of tears. I tried to talk but couldn't get the words out, so I kissed Hannah on the forehead, then Ada, and left for work.
I got to the animal hospital early, praying for a busy day. When Rani got in, she took one look at me and shut my office door behind her. "What did he do this time?"
I shook my head. "It wasn't him. It was me this time."
She blinked back her surprise. "Well, you look terrible."
"Thanks," I said flatly. I scrubbed my hands over my face. "I didn't sleep."
"I can tell."
"I'll need to duck out during lunch, but I shouldn't be too long," I told her. "Oh, and I know it's not exactly in your job description, but I was wondering if you could check out some real estate sites for rentals."
Rani's mouth dropped open. Then she whispered, "You moved out?"
I nodded and my voice cracked when I spoke. "But I can't talk about it yet." Not without crying, or without the urge to punch something, I thought to myself.
She nodded. "That's cool. Now stand up, come with me," she said, dragging me out of my chair. "We have a shitload of work to do today, and you're doing it. No time for thinking, just work, work, work."
I smiled at my assistant, grateful for the distraction, and dived headfirst into work. She kept me busy all morning. She never let me stop. She fed me coffee, and literally stood in front of me until I drank and ate something. Then she gently reminded me at lunchtime, I'd mentioned needing to go somewhere.
I looked at my watch. Shit. "Thanks, Rani," I said. "I won't be long."
She eyed me cautiously, but said nothing, just giving me a nod. I didn't tell her where I was going because she'd want to come with me, to keep an eye on me or something. But I needed to do this alone.
I pulled up at the front of Isaac's. It was Friday lunchtime, so I knew he'd be at work. I wasn't up to facing him, and from his conversation with Hannah last night, I was certain he didn't want to see me either.
I used the key to the front door, thankful he'd not changed the security code on the alarm, and I walked into his house. It was quiet, eerily so. It looked exactly the same, like nothing had changed. When the truth was, everything had changed. There was no sign of him being upset or unable to function like me. His coffee cup was sitting in the kitchen sink, just like always. He'd even pulled up his side of the bed where he'd slept.
Like my leaving hadn't affected him one bit.
I walked into the wardrobe, pulled out my bag and stuffed what clothes I could into it. I took my toiletries from the bathroom and then walked into the living room to look for anything of mine.
There wasn't anything.
It was like I'd never lived there to begin with.
The soft jingle of Mr Tiddles' bell sounded as the cat uncurled itself from his spot in the sun. He stood up and meowed at me, so I scooped him up and gave him a pat. I checked his food bowl, wondering if Isaac remembered to feed him, but he had. There was fresh dry food put out either last night or this morning.
And it hit me.
Everything was as it should be. The house was in perfect order, like all was right with his world. Isaac didn't seem to care that we'd broken up. Like our fight, or my leaving, hadn't affected him at all.
I gently put the cat down, picked up my bag, reset the alarm, locked the door and numbly drove back to work.
Numb.
Numb just about summed it up. I was in a fucking daze.
I somehow shuffled through the afternoon, thankful for my assistant, Rani, who managed to keep everyone, clients and staff alike, away from me. She kept me busy with doing check-ups on the animal patients that were staying overnight, and then with inventory. Though I had no idea what the hell I'd counted, what I'd noted, or what needed to be ordered. I didn't have a clue.
I hadn't realized the time until she followed me into the storeroom and closed the door behind her. "It's after five," she said softly. Then she pulled out a piece of paper. "Here's a list of rentals in the area that allow dogs, starting from cheapest to the most expensive."
"Oh," I said quietly. I cleared my throat and spoke louder. "Thank you, Rani. For this, for everything."
"You're welcome," she replied with a kind smile. She hesitated for a moment, like she wanted to ask something but wasn't sure she should. She asked anyway. "Can I ask where you're staying?"
"Um," I started, putting the clipboard down. "I stayed at Hannah's last night. She said I'm welcome to stay as long as I need, but they don't need me there, with the baby and all."
Rani nodded. "As long as you have somewhere. I was gonna offer my couch if you needed."
I smiled for her. "Thanks, Rani, really. I'll be okay."
"Good," she said brightly. "Then go, so I can get finished up."
I walked to my office, grabbed my keys and picked up my phone. No missed calls. No messages. I pocketed the phone, plastered a smile on my face to say goodbye to Rani, then sat in my Jeep for a minute or two before turning the key.
I needed to get my shit together. I needed to act like I was on top of this. No, it wasn't what I wanted, but I was a grown man and I needed to deal with it. People dealt with heartbreak every day. From what I saw at Isaac's house, he seemed to be managing just fine.
So I took out my phone and called Hannah. She answered cautiously. "Carter?"
"Just putting in a Friday night pizza call," I said, trying to be cheerful.
Hannah was surprised. "Oh."
"Is that okay?"
She laughed. "Stupid question," she said, then covered the phone, though I could hear her muffled voice. "Carlos, pizza for dinner?"
There was a distant, muffled response from Carlos, then Hannah returned. "Carter?"
"Yeah?"
"Carlos said any pizza is fine, as long as it comes with beer."
I smiled, for what seemed like the first time in forever. "Deal."
By the time the sun had gone down, we'd polished off the pizza, and even had a few beers sitting at the back patio table. Someone's name very deliberately didn't get mentioned, and I was grateful. I ignored the feeling that Hannah and Carlos were babysitting me, or pitying me, or both. I didn't doubt they were, but I ignored it and just tried to act like I wasn't falling apart.
Needless to say, I didn’t sleep much, and when the sun was finally up, I hovered my thumb over his number a hundred times before I plucked up the courage to call him. I had no clue as to what I would say if he answered, though truthfully I was more worried about him telling me, again, that we were really over.
But I had to do something, and I figured a phone call would be a good place to start. My call went through to voicemail, where I said, "Isaac, please. We need to talk." He never called me back. Part of me never expected him to, but it hurt nonetheless.
And I was back to square one.
I spent the rest of the morning looking at the rentals list Rani had given me, and made some phone calls. I even went to have a look at one. It wasn't great, and a little too far from work, so I told the realtor thanks, but no thanks.
I got back to Hannah's and Carlos' place to find Carlos folding laundry and Ada in her bouncer. "How was the house?" he asked as I sat down.
"Ugh. Dark and cold inside, back fencing needed work to be dog-proof."
"So, no good?"
I shook my head. "Nah. Where's Hannah?"
Carlos sighed, long and loud. "She went to see Isaac."
"Oh."
"Well, she spoke to him on the phone first," he said. "And that didn't end well, so she got in the car and went to see him. I'm thinking she'll be home soon."
And about ten minutes later, she walked through the door. She didn't look mad. She wasn't angry. She looked… sad.
"Everything okay?" Carlos asked. Then he sighed. "Did he say something to upset you?"
"No more than usual," she answered. She looked at me and my stomach knotted. "Carter, I tried to talk to him. I tried to get him to listen, and it was all rather civil…" she shook her head. "But then Joshua turned up."
My throat squeezed shut. My voice croaked. "Joshua?"
She nodded. "I asked him if the police had been in touch."
Carlos sighed. "Oh, Hannah."
"What?" she cried. "You know what? Fuck him. He had the audacity to smile at me, and said it was all a miscommunication and had all been sorted out."
"What?" my voice was just a whisper.
Hannah nodded. "That's what he said. So I asked him why he was doing this. I asked him what he got out of it, ruining two perfectly happy lives, and that's when Isaac got mad."
Joshua was there. With Isaac. While I… wasn't.
I tried not to think about what they might be doing. Alone. The two of them. "Hannah," I whispered. "What were… are they… what was he…"
Hannah's face fell. "Oh, Carter. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
My chest tightened. Even putting my hand against my sternum didn't help. "Are they… togeth…" I couldn't even finish the word.
"He said they had plans," she offered quietly. "That was all he said."
I nodded. I tried to swallow, but I suddenly didn't feel very well. "Did he look okay? Was he okay?"
"Carter, don't, sweetheart. Don't do that to yourself."
"I might just go…" I mumbled, "just go lie down. I don't feel very well." I walked quietly down the hall.
So that was it. He'd moved on. Already. I truly meant nothing to him. It was really over. They had plans. Him and Joshua. Together.
I crawled into the bed and waited for the numbness to dull the ache in my chest. But it never came.