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KRISTIE
Sleeping in Matthew’s home had been... restful. I hadn’t planned on that. I’d assumed I would toss and turn and be generally uncomfortable. Instead, I’d slept solidly and woken up with a smile on my face. Not something that was common in my world. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d looked forward to getting up so much.
The sun rose early, warming the air quickly. I moved to the deck with another cup of my favorite tea in hand. How had he known? Was that possible? Coincidence or not, we had so many similarities, it was getting hard to accept as natural. After less than a day together, I felt like I knew him and that he felt the same way. The evening had ended smoothly, even with the incident in the park. Nothing felt out of place or like it was too much drama or not enough excitement.
I fit into his life seamlessly and... I loved it.
Was it possible that he was really my match? Everything about him was perfect. He had PTSD which couldn’t be clearer, but instead of a flaw it made him more vulnerable, more approachable. A man with sensitivities instead of a list of traits that made him a jerk. I’d found one and he was mine.
The thought warmed me more than my tea. I couldn’t do anything to mess it up. I had to make sure I was honest and didn’t ruin what Matthew and I were working on.
Matthew came out to the deck, buttoning the cuffs of his sleeves. “I’ll be back this afternoon. Make yourself at home. I’ll see if we can do something fun again this next weekend.” He braced his hands on the deck railing as he smiled at me, glancing at the cup of tea in my hands and then studying me with an eye for detail.
I hoped he liked the simple jeans and white t-shirt I wore. It was a fairly standard outfit for me. “Wait, you’re leaving?” I swallowed, looking around the deck and scanning the panoramic view of the river. “What am I supposed to do?” I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to hear just the sound of my breathing.
I wasn’t naïve. I expected he would have to work, especially to maintain the type of home he lived in, but I guess I was hoping for a reprieve from normal life for a few days. I wasn’t even used to the home yet.
He touched my back reassuringly as he pushed away from the railing. “I have to work, but I’ll be back afterward. I own a construction company. They need me there. Things are too much of a mess since...” He closed his mouth as if keeping information to himself.
Unsure how much I should push or even if I wanted to push for more information, I wiped my palms on my thighs. “Okay, that sounds good.” What was I going to say? It’s not like I could scream and cry and beg him to stay. The image of me doing that in my mind’s eye brought a sincere smile to my face.
He left with a soft kiss on my cheek. I rubbed the smooth skin after he’d left. Would it get old, his brief contacts that left me with a tingling of awareness where his skin had grazed me? I hoped not.
Cleaning the kitchen and then picking up my room, I did everything I could think of and I only used thirty minutes. Thirty minutes. My life was going to be so boring. I needed a job or something to do. He hadn’t mentioned needing me to work or anything. Maybe I could do volunteer work or something.
I picked up my phone and called Tara. The early hour would either get her before she went to bed or just as she was getting up.
“Hey, doll, what’s going on?” Tara yawned, sipping what was probably coffee. “I didn’t think I’d hear from you since you went out of town for that job interview. How is it going? Is your boss hot?” She rambled when she was tired. Plus, she and I hadn’t spoken for a couple days.
I’d obviously lied to her, which I just didn’t do. Actually, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I did lie – a lot. That bothered me. I didn’t want to be a liar. I didn’t want to lie to my best-friend or my parents. I would fix it, but I was too far in. I couldn’t fix anything at that point. All I could do was resolve not to do it anymore.
Clearing my throat, I moved back to the deck from the living room and claimed a lodgepole loveseat and sat down. Chewing my lower lip, I realized I had to be honest with Tara. What I was doing wasn’t something you hid from someone you loved. “Okay, so you know I got married and I’m at the guy’s place. The problem is, I’m bored and I don’t have anything to do. He has a ton of money and a huge place... at least, I think he has a ton of money. I’m in a log mansion, for crying out loud.” I bit my lip.
Saying it out loud was jarring. Not only had I not told Tara... I hadn’t told anyone. It was the first time I shared what I was up to. Besides Matthew, no one else knew.
“What!” Tara’s screech was so loud I had to pull the phone away from my ear. She screamed a few other words and then lowered her voice, laughing that came off and on in spurts. “Wait, you’re joking right now, right? Please, tell me you didn’t get married before I could tell you I’m engaged!”
I squealed on my end, moving to the edge of the seat and jiggling my legs up and down in a weird little dance. A family of birds flew roof, disturbed by my exuberance. “He finally asked you!”
“Yeah, I’m getting domesticated.” I could hear her grin over the phone. She continued, “Why are you joking with me about this? I don’t think it’s funny. Look, Kris, we’ll find you a guy. Chad has been looking for you. I hope it’s okay, I dropped the system from the balcony. He kind of deserved it. Okay, he deserved it a lot.”
I gasped then laughed with delight. “Absolutely that was okay.” We fell into a companionable silence, one I didn’t want to ruin but that I had to break to come clean with her. “Honestly, Tara. I’m married. I did that site. Remember, the one you told me not to? I was matched.”
“Right. But when you quit work, I thought you were just taking a little bit of time. You said you were going for a job interview. You said... I didn’t know you were...” Her words trailed off and her betrayal was palpable, slicing through my peaceful morning.
The pain was my fault, my doing. “I’m sorry. I had to do this. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to stick around in Libby for me. I want you to go on and be all the amazing things you have the capability of being.” I sniffed, the reality of what I wanted thick in my throat. She was my best friend and she and I both knew I was holding her back.
We hung up, but my heart ached. Everything hurt like sadness filled my very being.
I’d moved from being lonely in beautiful Libby to being lonely in Missoula.
Nothing had changed.
~~~
I HAD DINNER ON THE table when Matthew got home. Tara’s comments about domestication struck home. I wasn’t ready to sit around the house all day. With just Matthew and I, there was nothing to do or clean up. It wasn’t yet my home – at least not in how it felt. I couldn’t just do what I wanted or renovate or change anything. That was something couples did together.
We didn’t have children for me to take care of, not that the idea of children with the enigmatic man didn’t fill me with fluttery butterflies. Without those things to look forward to, I didn’t have much to do.
Sitting for dinner, he grinned sappily at me. I could get used to the looks of adoration he shot me when we were together. I would love for my husband to love me sooner rather than later.
I cleared my throat. “Matthew, do you think there’s something I can do? This was so boring and I was... well, I’m not a huge fan of being alone. I can do something, or maybe I can get a job or something?” I was an adult, yet there I was asking for his permission to get a job? I wasn’t sure just how much independence I still had. I felt like a guest in his home and I wasn’t sure what was expected of me.
The rules of marriage were so confusing.
Matthew put his fork down and folded his arms. “You want to work?” He looked around. “I guess I just assumed you wouldn’t want to.”
“I need to stay busy. Not that I don’t appreciate your offer of not doing anything, but a stay at home mom needs kids and we... well, we aren’t close to having kids.” I laughed uncomfortably. We weren’t even kissing yet and the topic of children had come up.
“Do you want to have children?” He raised hopeful eyes my way.
I laughed, picking at my plate. “Of course, I do. Not tomorrow, but eventually, when the time is right.”
Matthew stared at the curve of his water glass and then cocked an eyebrow at me. “Can you organize or manage or schedule things? If so, I have the perfect thing for you.” He picked up the steak knife and cocked his head in my direction, waiting for my reply.
All three things I loved to do. “Yes! I love organizing and I can learn, fast.” Excitement built in me. The chance to do something besides waitressing and cleaning the house were right up my alley.
“You’d be working with me. Is that alright?” He asked as if he was nervous that point might be a deal breaker.
A chance to see my husband more during the day? What better way to get to know him better? I nodded, too excited to point any of that out as if it were obvious I was benefitting more than he was.
Relieved, he sighed as the lines between his eyebrows on the bridge of his nose smoothed out. “I can set you up as office manager. Things have kind of fallen down at our headquarters. It would be nice to see you more. I missed you today.” He lifted his hand and carefully cradled my fingers in his.
But I was too shocked to reply to his sweet comment. He didn’t even know me and he would let me run the office of his business? How was that possible? Matthew waited for my reply. I finally got out. “But, you don’t know me well enough to make me your manager. How do you know I’ll be able to do that for your office? Should I take a test or something?” My chest rose and fell in a slight panic. “Honestly, I’ve never supervised or anything like that before. I might not do well at it.” I swallowed. I was getting too much, too easily around him. I didn’t deserve the way he was treating me – like a princess or something.
But I had no idea how to straighten him out that I didn’t deserve anything like that.
He shrugged. “True, but how will you know what you can do, if you don’t try? I’m willing to give you a shot. Plus, why not take advantage of nepotism or whatever and grab the job? I’ll even pay you really well.” He winked and reclaimed his fork. “This is delicious. Thank you.”
“Thanks, that makes sense.” I sipped my water, still overwhelmed by the generous offer. To take the topic off me, I cut into the eggplant parmigiana and glanced at him. “Do you have any friends I should meet or that we could invite over for dinner?” But my words trailed off as Matthew’s expression darkened, closing me off.
“Nope. No one.” He chewed with a subdued mechanical movement.
How had we gone from happy and flirty – progressing – to feeling like I’d just shot his best-friend? I didn’t understand the sudden distance between us and it left me feeling even more alone than I had when he’d been gone for work.
Somehow, I had to figure out what triggered his melancholy. I didn’t want anything getting between us. Not this early. I had to succeed at something. I couldn’t fail.
Something I was doing was pushing him away. I had to figure out what it was before I scared him away completely.