TULALA ako habang nakaupo at nakasandal sa headboard ng kama ko. Barado na ang ilong ko sa kaiiyak. Ilang oras na akong umiiyak habang iniisip ang mga sinabi ni Wendell.
“You only used us to recover from the pain from your failed relationships. You only get into a relationship with us because you didn’t want to be alone.”
“You never really know how to truly love someone, Zoey. Because the one you only love is yourself.”
Kanina habang nagmamaneho ako pauwi ay kinokontra ko sa isip ang mga sinabi niya. Paano niya nasabi na hindi ko sila totoong minahal? Ang alam ko ay naging mabuti akong girlfriend sa kanila. I had been loyal and faithful. Sa pagkakaalam ko ay minahal ko sila at bawat isa sa kanila ay pinangarap kong makasama hanggang sa pagtanda. Pero nang makauwi ako sa bahay at pinakawalan ang mga luhang pinigilan kong ilabas ay naisip ko, paano kung totoo ang sinabi ni Wendell?
What if, all along, I only wanted to have someone beside me, someone who loved me and would never make me feel alone? What if I just thought I loved them because they loved me? Because they gave me the sense of belonging and they made me feel special?
What if what I had felt for all of them were not true love? What if I just believed they were because I was desperate to be with someone beside me? Because I did not want to be alone…
Sarili ko lang ba talaga ang minahal ko? Kaya ba madali akong nakaka-move on? Kaya madali akong “magmahal” ng bago?
Paano kung totoo ang mga sinabi ni Wendell? Paano kung wala talaga akong minahal ni isa sa kanila dahil ang sarili ko lang talaga ang mahal ko?
“That new guy… sigurado ka bang mahal mo talaga siya or you’re just desperate to have someone beside you so you won’t be alone anymore?”
Ito ang huling mga salitang pinayagan kong sabihin sa akin ni Wendell bago ako tumayo at iniwan siya.
When I left the coffee shop, I was sure that I knew the answer to the question. But now… I was confused. Ramdam ko na mahal ko si Kenzo pero paano kung minahal ko lang siya dahil ayoko nang maging mag-isa? Nagustuhan ko siya kahit ang akala ko ay hindi siya ang tipo kong lalaki. Paano kung ginusto ko na lang siya dahil desperada na akong magkaroon ng boyfriend at nang matapos na ang pag-iisa ko?
Was I using Kenzo, too?
Tumunog ang cellphone na nasa loob ng bag kong nakalapag sa kama. Kanina ko pa naririnig ang message alert tone niyon pero hindi ko pinapansin. Nang maisip na baka kay Kenzo galing ang text messages at siya ang tumatawag ay hinila ko ang bag.
“Hello, babe? Did I disturb you? I’ve been texting you for an hour now. Medyo nag-alala lang ako kasi mabilis ka laging mag-reply.”
“Sorry, babe. I was sleeping,” sabi ko na lang.
“What happened to your voice? Did you catch colds?”
“I think so.” Mas mainam nang kunwari ay may sipon na lang ako kaysa malaman niyang umiiyak ako.
“Poor baby. Pupuntahan kita riyan.”
Kung sa ibang pagkakataon ay kikiligin ako sa pagpapakita ni Kenzo ng concern. Nasisiyahan ako kapag may nagpapakita sa akin ng matinding concern, kapag may nag-aalaga sa akin sa tuwing may sakit ako at nagpapadama sa akin kung gaano ako kahalaga. Pero sa pagkakataong ito ay para akong namanhid dahil na-realize ko na mukhang may katotohanan talaga ang sinabi ni Wendell.
Mukhang nagmamahal lang ako para may magmahal sa akin at hindi dahil kusa kong naramdaman ang pag-ibig na iyon.
“No!” tutol ko. “You don’t have to go here. Nakainom na ako ng gamot. Gusto ko lang magpahinga. I badly need rest.”
“Are you sure?”
In another time, I would definitely allow him to come here and take care of me because I always needed someone to look after me. “Yes. ‘Wag mo ‘kong masyadong alalahanin. I’ll be okay.”
I did not think I would be okay.
AS I entered a room, I heard a soft music started to play from the piano. I saw Kenzo standing in front of a single table in the middle of the room with subdued lighting and romantic interior. He was looking at me with hearts in his eyes while carrying a big bouquet of red roses.
God, he was so handsome. I could not believe this guy actually did all these for me. Umarkila siya ng isang function room sa isang events center para sa amin samantalang monthsary lang ang ise-celebrate namin.
I smiled as I slowly walked towards him. Bago ako pumunta roon ay inihanda ko ang dibdib ko at inalis ang lahat ng nagpabigat doon. Ayokong hayaan ang mga sinabi ni Wendell na maapektuhan ako at ang damdamin ko. Mahal ko si Kenzo. Iyon ang mahalaga. Hindi na mahalaga kung minahal ko lang siya dahil kailangan ko ng magmamahal sa akin.
Pagkatapos naming kumain at magkuwentuhan ay niyaya ako ni Kenzo na magsayaw. We had the whole room for ourselves so we moved anywhere we want together while laughing. When the music went soft and slow, he pulled me closer and took my hands to put them behind his neck.
“This is the first time I celebrated a monthsary like this,” he said softly.
“Really?”
“I don’t celebrate a monthsary at all. Kasi isang buwan pa lang naman kaya hindi raw kailangang i-celebrate. But this time, wala akong pakialam kahit sabihan akong OA. I want to do this because I’m so happy. I’ve been happy for a month now and I realized I’ve never been this happy with a woman before. I’ve never felt so eager to make a woman happy until now. You must be really special, Zoey. You made me fall so hard with you every day. And in fact… I’m sure by now that I’m in love with you.”
Kenzo was in love with me! Dapat ay napakasaya ko dahil mahal ako ng lalaking ito pero bakit ganoon? Bakit nilalamon ng guilt ng dibdib ko sa mga sandaling iyon?
Napansin ko ang unti-unting pagkabura ng ngiti sa mga labi ni Kenzo habang nakatitig sa akin. Nakita ko ang kalituhan sa mga mata niya. “Babe? Is there something wrong?”
I realized I was not smiling anymore and my eyes were probably showing guilt. I stopped swaying with him and slowly pulled my arms away. No, I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t pretend that I was not affected by my recent realizations about myself.
“Zoey?” untag niya sa akin. Lumarawan na ang pag-aalala sa mukha ng lalaki.
“There… there is something wrong with me.”
“What?”
“I love you… but…”
“But?”
“I don’t know if I loved you because I wanted to love you or I just wanted someone to love me.”
Kumunot ang noo ni Kenzo. “I don’t understand.”
“I am broken, Kenzo. I have always been broken. I was broken since I was six… when my mom abandoned me.”
“But she died, right?”
“She died later on after she abandoned me. Ipinamigay niya ako sa daddy ko. Iniwan niya ako. Hindi na siya bumalik para man lang dalawin ako o alamin kung ano ang kalagayan ko. I was abandoned. At simula noon, pakiramdam ko, mag-isa na lang ako. I never had a family I could call my own. I was alone. That’s why I hated being alone. Iyon ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ko kayang walang boyfriend. Dahil ayokong maging mag-isa…”
“Zoey… I still don’t understand.”
Hinaplos ko ng palad ang pisngi ni Kenzo habang nakatitig sa kanya. “You are a wonderful guy and I don’t think I deserve you.”
“What are you talking about? I don’t care about your past.”
“But I’m still living in that past. I’m still broken. Hanggang ngayon, hindi pa naghihilom ‘yong sugat sa puso ko. ‘Yong sugat na ibinigay ng nanay ko. Hindi ko pa rin matanggap hanggang ngayon na inabandona niya ako. I never really felt my dad accepted and loved me wholeheartedly. And all my life I felt so all alone. That’s why I always needed someone to love me, to give me the attention and care that I needed to make me feel I was important. I didn’t realize I might only be using people for my desperate need to not be alone. I might… I might be using you, as well…”
Lumarawan ang matinding pag-aalala sa mukha ni Kenzo. “Zoey… whatever the problem is, I’m here for you. Tutulungan kita.”
Nangilid ang mga luha ko. “Naaalala mo ba ‘yong sinabi mo noong nasa bar tayo? I realized you’re right. I shouldn’t let other people fix me when I am broken. I should fix myself. Ako lang ang dapat na umayos sa sarili ko. Ako lang ang makakaayos nito.” Ibinaba ko ang kamay.
Halatang naalarma ang lalaki. “Babe?”
“Let me fix myself, Kenzo. I want to fix myself first. I want to be alone for now.”
Kenzo looked taken aback.
“I’m sorry.” I walked away with a heavy heart.
Nang makalabas ako ng function room ay saka ko lang pinakawalan ang mga luha.
“I NEVER told anyone that I was abandoned by my own mom,” pagtatapat ko kay Kenzo habang nakatanaw sa mga puno sa parke.
Nang habulin ako ni Kenzo, nagpunta kami sa parke kung saan kami nag-practice na maging lovers. Naupo kami sa mismong bench kung saan kami naupo noon. Gabi na at iilan lang ang mga tao sa paligid. Nakatingin lang sa akin si Kenzo na sinabing handa siyang pakinggan ang tungkol sa itinatago kong emotional baggages.
“Ni isa sa ex-boyfriends ko… wala akong pinagsabihan tungkol sa parte ng buhay ko na ayokong tanggapin. Nakasama ko sila ng ilang taon nang hindi nila nalaman ang tungkol doon. I was ashamed of the fact that I was abandoned. Ayoko ring pag-usapan ang tungkol sa isang bagay na hanggang sa paglaki ko, hindi ko pa rin natanggap. I never talked about my childhood because I had a very sad one. Yes, I had a dad but I felt his hesitation to accept me in his life. Hindi kasi niya matanggap noon na binatang ama siya. Hindi niya alam kung paano mag-aalaga ng isang bata bukod sa hindi pa siya handa sa responsibilidad noon. Iniwan siya ng girlfriend niya dahil may anak siya sa ibang babae. Lalo tuloy lumayo ang loob niya sa akin. I felt I was a burden to him.
“My lolo… I knew he loved me but I also knew that he was compelled to take care of me because his son couldn’t do a proper job as a father. I’d been a burden to my grandpa. When I started to have friends, I slowly learned to enjoy life. Pero eventually, nawala isa-isa ang mga nagiging kaibigan ko. I was convinced that friends won’t stay in our lives. Hanggang sa makilala ko si Jaja. She stayed beside me… until she got pregnant and got married early. Hindi ko na siya halos makasama noong nagkapamilya na siya.
“I realized that the only way I could secure a company was to have a boyfriend. A boyfriend would give all the attention, time and love that I needed. A boyfriend won’t make me feel alone. Kaya sa tuwing natatapos ang relasyon ko sa isang lalaki, hindi nagtatagal, pumapasok ulit ako sa bagong relasyon. It’s because I hated being alone. I always wanted someone beside me to make me feel loved. Little did I know, sa tuwing nagkaka-boyfriend ako, parang tinatakpan ko lang ‘yong totoo kong problema sa sarili ko…”
Bumaling ako kay Kenzo at nasalubong ko ang tingin niya. Nasilip ko ang simpatya sa mga mata ng lalaki. “I am broken, Kenzo. My mom and dad… they broke me into pieces. They made me hate being alone. They made me want to desperately crave for love and attention. And that’s why I became like this… a serial monogamist. A girl who can’t stand being single. A girl who is emotionally dependent. A girl who depends her happiness to someone else. Noong nakausap ko si Wendell, doon ko lang na-realize na posible ngang nagmahal lang ako dahil kailangan ko ng magmamahal sa ‘kin, na minahal ko lang sila dahil ayokong mag-isa. Maybe he was right. Maybe the only one I truly loved was myself…”
Ginagap ni Kenzo ang mga kamay ko sa kandungan ko. “No, babe. Don’t listen to him. It’s only normal to yearn for someone to love you and some people are emotionally dependent by nature. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“You don’t understand, Kenzo. I have issues with myself and with how I see love. I probably… don’t really love you.”
Halatang natigilan ang lalaki.
Alam kong nakalarawan ang guilt sa mga mata ko. “Let me make sure about my true feelings. Let me fix myself first. Gusto ko na kapag humarap ulit ako sa ‘yo, buo na ako. Magaling na ‘yong sugat sa dibdib ko. Iyon siguro ‘yong dahilan kung bakit kahit gaano katagal ang naging relationships ko, hindi nauwi sa forever. Dahil may mali sa ‘kin simula pa noong una. Kaya siguro nila ako iniwan. Kaya siguro nawala ‘yong feelings nila para sa ‘kin. Napansin siguro nila na hindi ako buo.”
“But, Zoey…”
“Please, Kenzo? I don’t want you to end up like my exes. I don’t want you to leave me someday just like how they did. I want you to stay with me. And to make sure you do, I need to fix myself first… for me and you.”
Hindi na sumagot si Kenzo. Nakita ko ang pag-aalala sa mga mata niya pero may kasama na iyong pang-unawa.
Pinakawalan ko ang mga kamay ko mula sa pagkakagagap ni Kenzo. I wanted him to stay holding my hands but I knew I had to let him go for now.