‘I’ve got to tell you something.’
This was last weekend, a couple of months after Michelle’s split from Patrick.
Michelle had been up and down, but gradually the ups had started to win out. It finally felt as if she had put Patrick and her failed marriage behind her. I was still eaten up by guilt, but I had taken Adam’s advice. Nothing could be gained by Michelle finding out the truth. However much I felt I wanted to exorcise that particular ghost, I had to learn to live with it. It had got easier with time. I was almost able to forget it had ever even happened for days at a stretch.
We were back at the spa. This time it was her treat – no doubt because that way she knew I wouldn’t be able to say no. We were in the sauna, red-faced and sweating. She had waited until the two other women who were in there with us left.
‘What?’
‘I feel stupid.’
I can’t stand when people tease me with a trailer instead of cutting straight to the main event.
‘About what? Just tell me.’
‘OK. You have to promise not to laugh. Or to say anything.’
‘Mich, I am going to kill you if you don’t just tell me what you’re on about.’
She sat up and looked at me. ‘I think I like Adam.’
For a second I didn’t quite take in what she was saying. Of course she liked Adam. Adam was great. Then it hit me. She LIKED him. The same way I LIKED him. This was my chance to own up that I did, too. Stake my claim.
‘Say something,’ she said. I looked at her and her eyes were shining. She looked animated in a way she hadn’t done for months.’
‘Wow!’ I said. ‘When did this happen?’
‘I don’t know. Is it ridiculous? It’s ridiculous, isn’t it?’
Yes. I thought. Please don’t let her be serious.
‘No. I mean … it’s a surprise. I had no idea you even thought of him like that.’
‘Neither did I. It’s been creeping up on me, I think. He’s just so … lovely.’
And kind. And sweet. And thoughtful. And funny.
‘You fancy him?’
She actually flushed red. ‘Yes. Like crazy.’
‘Does he know?’
‘No! God, no. Don’t say anything.’
‘I won’t.’ I wouldn’t know what to say.
‘I know you probably think I’m stupid. I mean, I know you think he’s completely unfanciable …’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘You pretty much did after that first date you went on.’
That’s because he’s a grower, I thought. He’s not going to knock anyone off their feet at first sight, but gradually he’ll get under your skin by sheer force of personality. It’s a much more insidious, much deeper kind of attraction.
‘I think I just said he wasn’t my type …’
‘Anyway. What I’m saying is, I know he’s not obviously drop dead gorgeous, but I happen to think he is. There. Now you can laugh at me.’
I didn’t want to. I wanted to cry.
‘No. I … I don’t know what to say …’
‘I know he’s your friend really, so I wouldn’t want you to think I was trying to muscle in …’
Every part of me wanted to scream, Please don’t, I’m still only just coming to terms with how I feel about him myself. I had been building myself up to coming clean with him. Fantasizing about him reciprocating and us having a future. Why couldn’t I have done it a week ago? The day before? Why couldn’t I have confided in Michelle about how I was feeling?
Not that I had any evidence he would be anything other than horrified. I knew this was the main reason I had been so hesitant. Adam had never done anything to make me believe he had fallen in love with me as I had with him. Or even that he found me even halfway attractive.
And then it hit me. Michelle would be a much better match for Adam than me. Both of them deserved someone who would value what was so special about them. Who would treat them well and never cheat on them or lie to them.
And when I thought about it, I realized he probably liked her, too. He had been so attentive and supportive. He was always telling me how lovely she is and what a shit Patrick must be. I just didn’t put the pieces together.
I took a long breath. Tried to stem the feeling of panic. Smiled. ‘No. Go for it. I think you could be great together.’