CHAPTER 21
t Privilege House the next morning, Jacob Two-Two was caught daydreaming again during geography class. Sneaking up behind him, Miss Sour Pickle roared, “You are not paying attention!”
“Yes, I am,” said Jacob Two-Two. “Yes, I am.”
“Good. Then you will surely be able to answer the following three easy questions. What is the population of Albania, the principal export of Peru, and how many left-handed people are there in Canada?”
“I don’t know.”
“Then you will write the following line for me two hundred times – I AM A DAYDREAMER, IGNORANT BEYOND COMPARE – and bring them to me first thing tomorrow morning.”
At lunch, the boys, their stomachs growling, watched as a platter of lobsters was wheeled in for Mr. I.M. Greedyguts, followed by a roast goose, a pail of red cabbage, and a potato pie, with a chocolate cake for dessert. “And how do we express our thanks to Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse for today’s feast?” asked Mr. I.M. Greedyguts, cupping a hand to his ear.
“YUMMY, YUMMY, SAYS MY TUMMY!” groaned the boys as they considered their perfectly vile, absolutely yucky lunch: thin potato-peel soup and lukewarm broccoli burgers, followed by a slimy lettuce salad and, for dessert, mouldy bread pudding.
“Oooh,” moaned Chris Lucas.
“I can’t take this much longer,” said Mickey Horowitz.
“Neither can I,” said Robby Burton.
“We won’t have to take it much longer,” said Jacob Two-Two, and he went on to explain that his friend, Mr. Dinglebat, the master spy, was on the case. “He has a plan. He has a plan.”
“Good. What is it?” asked Mickey.
“Well, um, I don’t know yet.”
“Oh,” said Chris, obviously disappointed.
In the world of spies, Jacob went on to tell them, everything was on a “need to know” basis, and the need-to-know time hadn’t come yet. “But we are going to need your help,” said Jacob.
“You can count on us,” said Mickey.
After school Jacob Two-Two was presented with a mop and pail and set to washing his classroom floor. Miss Lapointe stopped by to see him. “I want you to know, Jacob, that I and most of the other teachers believe you are innocent. We dislike Mr. I.M. Greedyguts as much as you and the other boys do, but there’s nothing we can do about it. His uncle is so powerful.”
When Jacob Two-Two finally came home, picked up late by his mother, weary from all his chores, an amazing thing happened. His two older brothers and two older sisters didn’t tease him. In fact, suddenly, Marfa, Emma, Noah, and Daniel couldn’t do enough for him.
“How would you like to have a lesson on my two-wheel mountain bike?” asked Marfa.
“But I thought I wasn’t allowed to touch it,” said Jacob Two-Two twice.
Emma offered to set the dining-room table for dinner even though it was Jacob Two-Two who was supposed to be on duty. “You just go and watch some TV, you poor thing.”
Noah insisted on writing Jacob Two-Two’s lines for him. “Miss Sour Pickle will never know the difference,” he said.
“Hey,” said Daniel, “why don’t we take in a movie together this Saturday afternoon?”
Then Daniel, Noah, Emma, and Marfa appealed to their father at the dinner table. “Do something,” they said.
“I have already written a letter of protest,” said Jacob Two-Two’s father, “to Senator Slimy ‘Free-Loader’ Greedyguts, who is chairman of the Privilege House board.”
“A lot of good that will do,” said Jacob Two-Two’s mother. “The Senator just happens to be I.M. Greedyguts’ uncle.”
“Look here, we can’t yank Jacob out of Privilege House in mid-term. He’d lose a year before I could get him into another school,” said Jacob Two-Two’s father. “If my letter doesn’t get us anywhere, I will meet with the fathers of Chris, Robby, and Mickey, whose boys are also unhappy, and take things up from there.”
Mr. Dinglebat had told Jacob Two-Two that he would require several helpers if his planned operation, whatever it was, had a chance to succeed, so Jacob decided to take a risk. He asked Noah and Emma to meet him in his room after dinner. “I need your help,” Jacob Two-Two said. “I want you both to be watchers.”
“What’s a watcher?” asked Emma.
“It’s a spy,” explained Jacob Two-Two, “who follows and reports on the enemy, being very, very careful not to be seen.” And then he went on to explain that Mr. Dinglebat, the master spy, had come up with an idea for an operation that was risky, but that he hoped would catch both Mr. I.M. Greedyguts and Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse in the same net.
“What’s the idea?” asked Noah.
“I can’t tell you yet,” said Jacob Two-Two impatiently. “Now are you willing to help us or not?”
They hesitated.
“But I can tell you this,” said Jacob Two-Two, and then he told how, disguised as the World’s Best Midget Photographer, he had accompanied Mr. Dinglebat to Mr. I.M. Greedyguts’ office.
“Wow,” said Emma, impressed.
“You did that?” said Noah.
“Honestly, I did.”
“In that case,” said Noah, “the intrepid Shapiro is at your service.”
“And so is the fearless O’Toole,” said Emma.
“Okay,” said Jacob Two-Two, delighted to have CHILD POWER on his side, “then you are to report to Mr. Dinglebat’s house at five-thirty sharp tomorrow afternoon.”
“Count on me,” said Emma.
“And me,” said Noah.
“But it is my duty to warn you in advance,” said Jacob Two-Two, “that on this mission it’s ‘Moscow rules.’”
“If the operation fails, and we are caught,” said Jacob Two-Two, “Mr. Dinglebat will deny we were working for him. In fact, he will say he never laid eyes on any of us.”
“Gosh,” said Emma.