The Tenth Circle
The apartment was quiet except for the sound of fists rhythmically hitting a punching bag in a distant room. Nadia’s stomach knotted. She and Evgeni loved their home gym and often exercised together when her schedule permitted it. The thought of ruining their shared life made her sick all over again. She followed the sound, nonetheless.
Evgeni was circling the bag between punches, sweat running down his naked chest. Despite wanting to run away, she walked to the other side of the bag and stabilized it, giving extra support for the punches to land on.
“Who is he?” Evgeni asked between jabs.
“Does it matter?”
“Is he one of your colleagues? Someone as smart as you?”
“Nobody is as smart as me,” Nadia joked, but the words fell flat. “And he”—filled with unwanted apprehension, she met Evgeni’s eyes—“is a she.”
Evgeni stopped punching and stared at her. Nadia held his gaze, and a moment later he resumed punching the bag.
“She’s a doctor, but that’s irrelevant.” Nadia spoke to fill the silence.
Evgeni stopped punching again. “So that’s it? You’re a lesbian now, and that makes it okay to cheat on me?”
“That would be a lousy excuse,” Nadia said.
“Agreed.” He landed a few hard punches.
Nadia bit back the apology that instinctively came to her. Saying sorry wasn’t going to make up for what she had done. It was a selfish response intended to ease her guilty conscience. Her vision blurred, and she did her best to blink the tears away. Evgeni had every reason to hate her, and that was that. “Nothing I can say will make it okay, Zhenya.” Her voice cracked. “I cheated. That’s it.”
“Was it something I did?” He reached out to steady the bag Nadia had abandoned, pleading with his eyes. “Tell me the truth, Nadyezhda. What did I do wrong?”
It could never be that simple. He had no character flaws to justify her actions. There was no way for him to repair their relationship because she was the broken one.
Nadia sank to the floor, resting her back against the wall. She closed her eyes as if she could erase the image of his hopeful face from her mind. The darkness only made things worse, her aching guilt shining even more clearly. She opened them again and saw Evgeni sink down across from her, his piercing eyes still waiting for her to respond.
“I love you for assuming it’s your fault.”
“If it is, I can fix it.”
“What if there’s nothing to fix?” Nadia’s eyes watered at the thought that she could always be herself with Evgeni. He loved her for who she was.
“Do you love me?”
“Yes, I do.” She said it without hesitation. Evgeni had always been the one constant thing in her life, someone she could rely on, trust, respect, know. What else was love but the unwavering sense of security?
He touched her hand. “Then there is something worth fixing.”
She burst into tears. “Why are you so good to me? I don’t deserve you.”
He moved swiftly to sit next to her and wrapped his arms around her. Her sobs grew louder as guilt tore through her all over again.
“Hush, Nadyenka,” he whispered soothingly. “So smart and yet so silly. Don’t you know you deserve all the love in the world?”
* * *
“Come in.” Ashley wiped away her tears in response to Pari’s knock on her open door. She was still in her office, despite it being past midnight. “How’s Sanders?” she asked.
“Remarkably well. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it was a miracle.” Pari took off her shoes and sat back on the sofa. She rubbed her temples.
“Why can’t it be both? Science and miracles don’t have to be mutually exclusive.”
“Because, Ashley, God makes miracles. The only thing Keating makes is a mess.”
“Ah.” Ashley stood up from her desk and moved to sit next to Pari. Raw wounds flared with fresh pain inside her, but she didn’t try to change the subject. “I was wondering how long it would take you to bring her up.”
“That was quite the stunt in my OR. You shouldn’t have done that. Your drama could have waited until after the surgery.”
“It wasn’t your OR. You let your junior fellow be the primary surgeon, remember?”
“She deserved it, and you know it. Don’t try to take it away from her just because she acted like a jerk.”
Ashley sighed. Pari was right. “I shouldn’t have done that, but it wasn’t like it mattered either way. I doubt that Nadezhda cared enough to lose her focus.”
“You’re wrong.”
“Oh?” Ashley’s curiosity piqued despite the deafening voices of anger in her head screaming she was done with Nadia and didn’t want to know anything about her ever again.
“After you left, she froze. I wasn’t sure she’d snap out of it. In fact, I thought she might drop everything and run after you. Imagine if she’d done that.”
A kindling of want sparked through Ashley at the thought of Nadia going after her, of Nadia fighting for her. She shook the thought away. “But she didn’t. She ran to her boyfriend.” Ashley was well aware that she was exaggerating, but accuracy wasn’t her primary concern right now.
“What happened?”
“I saw them together. She acted like a whole different person with him.” Tears streamed down her face as she recounted the event. “As soon as we were alone, she said it was over between us. Just like that. She didn’t offer an explanation. She said there was no point because I’d never forgive her.”
“Was she right?”
Ashley frowned between sobs. Pari’s ability to find plot holes in one’s story might be a great diagnostic skill, but it sure as hell wouldn’t win her any friendship awards.
“She should have at least tried. I would have,” Ashley muttered. “Instead, she gave up. I told her what she did was horrible, and then he showed up with his birthday gift. Which she left here.” She gestured toward the untouched box on the chair that she wished to burn.
Pari jumped to her feet and grabbed it.
“You can’t open it,” Ashley blurted out even as the sound of wrapping paper being torn filled the room. “It’s not yours.”
“Really, Ashley? After everything she did to you, it’s my actions that are bad?”
Maybe Nadia wouldn’t care. Not caring seemed to be Nadia’s specialty.
Pari whistled.
“What is it?” Ashley asked.
“It’s the best pair of loupes I’ve ever seen. Mine look like crap compared to them.”
Ashley snuck a quick peek at the magnifying surgical loupes and huffed. “Great.” For somebody who didn’t know the first thing about surgery, Evgeni sure had done his research on loupes. “In addition to being absurdly handsome, he’s thoughtful and generous.” But who was keeping score? Ashley was certainly not competing with him. “You can give them to her when she comes to work tomorrow.”
“Oh no.” Pari dropped the opened box on Ashley’s desk. “This is between you and her. Besides, if I take these loupes, I’m keeping them for myself.”
“And how do I explain the fact that her present is unwrapped?”
“You’ll figure something out.” Pari returned to the sofa. “So she just left with him, huh? That’s bitchy, even for Keating.”
“Not exactly…” Ashley conceded. “I told her what she had done was wrong and, worse, that she had made me an accomplice. It must have rattled her because when he came in, she went straight over to him and said she’d had an affair.” Recounting the events didn’t help her make sense of them, nor did it numb the pain in her chest.
“She said what now?” Pari’s jaw dropped.
“She didn’t say who it was with, but she was cold and deliberate, and he was completely crushed. Then he left, and she went to talk to the reporters.” Ashley sniffed. “To make matters worse, Dan was here too. He put two and two together.”
“I am sorry,” Pari said softly.
“I’m sorry too.” Ashley had no more energy left to cry. “I’m sorry I fell for her.”
“You love her?” Pari asked evenly, but her face was heavy with worry.
“I can’t love her after today…” Ashley shook her head, fighting the contradictory feeling inside of her with every ounce of her being. “I can’t.”
“Good luck telling your heart that.” Pari took her hand and patted it. “It’s late. Come with me. You shouldn’t be alone.”
“No.” Despite the void in her chest, Ashley had had enough company for one night. “I need to be alone. Go home to your family, Pari.”
* * *
“Do you love her?” Evgeni asked when Nadia finally stopped crying. His words were those of a broken man.
Nadia swallowed against a rising tide of fresh guilt. “I seem to have developed feelings for her.” She didn’t want to hurt him anymore, but she couldn’t lie to him either. “It was never my intention to become emotionally attached.”
“Then why did you do it?”
The question was inevitable, but regret muddled her well-rehearsed thoughts and burned through her throat. Nadia took a deep breath. “I convinced myself it was something I had to try before I”—she hesitated—“before we moved on with our lives together.”
“You mean before you married me?”
Nadia flinched at the words. Right now, the thought of marrying Evgeni felt as if it were from another life. “Yes, that.”
“How many times have you told me no already?”
“Four times. And it was never no, rather ‘not right now.’” Rotting guilt renewed its attack on her heart. She knew “not right now” was all Evgeni needed to stay.
“Are you sure? I can only think of three.”
“On the day I got my bachelor’s degree, after earning a DO degree, after my general surgery residency, and most recently this past New Year’s Eve.” Nadia delivered the words with newsroom-worthy precision. How could she ever forget them? Every time was etched in her mind with unfathomable sorrow. She had been selfish, knowing she could never love him the way he loved her and yet not being able to let him go.
“Did I really propose to you at New Year’s?”
“We went to New York, even though I didn’t want to,” Nadia said. “We were at the Empire State Building when you shouted at the top of your lungs, pledging your eternal love for me.” She smiled. “You were drunk.”
“Good thing I don’t remember, then.”
“It was sweet.”
“But not sweet enough. You didn’t say yes, and you went on to sleep with someone else.” He paused, inhaled a deep breath, and blew it out slowly. It was the same centering technique that Nadia used.
“You know, I always knew,” Evgeni said.
“Knew what?”
“That you liked women. I figured it out on our first date.”
“How?”
“The way you looked at Stephanie when—”
“Who?”
Evgeni chuckled. “The waitress on our first date. I suppose you never got her name.”
“I’m surprised you did.” The fact that Evgeni had left their first date with the waitress when Nadia had shown no interest in going home with him hadn’t bothered her as much as the fact that, when they met again, he stopped chasing women. He had changed for her and knowing this burdened her immensely. She couldn’t change for him.
“Why? You thought I’d sleep with a girl without knowing her name?”
“Haven’t you?” Nadia raised an eyebrow.
“Not that time.” He smiled. “That was a memorable evening. It was the night I met you. I remember every detail, including the name of the girl I took home that night.”
“How romantic.” The sarcasm did little to erase the smugness off his face.
“When she spilled wine on you and tried to clean it up, you watched her the whole time.”
“You know I don’t like people invading my personal space,” Nadia argued. How had he seen what she couldn’t even admit to herself back then?
“Oh, you were definitely uncomfortable, but not for the reason you like people to believe. You enjoyed it. You were a little green with envy when I left with her, but you hardly even looked at me that night.”
“That’s quite the wild speculation.” Nadia didn’t want to admit how right he was. It stung that she had been unable to figure out her own feelings when they had been apparent to others.
“You had to see it from my perspective.”
“So you thought I was gay, but you still pursued me. You liked the challenge?”
“No, it wasn’t like that at all. I know better than to think a person’s sexual preference can be changed.”
Nadia raked her fingers through her hair in helpless frustration. Of course, he’d say that. He was the perfect man who always said the right thing. Christ, he wasn’t making things easier for her.
“I wanted to get to know you because you were different from anyone I had met before. I hoped we could be friends.” His voice grew quieter and broke at the end. He cleared his throat. “Anyway, when you kissed me, I thought you were into men too. Or, rather, I didn’t think. All that mattered was that you were with me.” He sighed. “I should have known better. You never paid attention to other men. But you noticed women. You may not want to admit it, but you did.”
Nadia looked away. Evgeni had never been that perceptive, but he had seen a side of her that she had hidden from herself. Losing him would be like losing part of herself.
She turned back to look at him. “I chose you, Evgeni,” she said softly. “Not some waitress or another guy or woman. You. I love you.”
“If that’s true, why are we here now?” He asked the question without accusation.
Nadia closed her eyes, embracing the darkness. “Because I betrayed us.”
“Why did you tell me, Nadyezhda? Are you leaving me for her?”
“We’re not together.” Fresh tears welled up in her eyes again. “She didn’t know about you until you showed up at the hospital. It’s over between us.”
“She didn’t know?”
“Of course not.” Nadia drew her knees up close to her chest and gripped her legs. At the thought of Ashley, her tears fell freely.
Evgeni wrapped his arms around her again. The familiar scent comforted her.
“It’s your boss, isn’t it?” His voice was still soft.
“It doesn’t matter. She hates me.”
“Nobody can hate you, Nadyezhda. I don’t hate you. I love you. You know I do.” He continued to hold her, his grip and words unwavering.
Along with Nadia’s tears, the confession spilled past her lips. “It wasn’t supposed to be her. It wasn’t supposed to be anyone I knew. I was playing out a fantasy. I thought I could get over it if I acted on it. And when it turned out to be her, I knew we could never have a future together because we worked together. It felt like a sound decision at the time. But maybe it wasn’t. Maybe I was looking for an excuse because I wanted her. I don’t know anymore.”
“What were you planning to do if she hadn’t found out about me?” Evgeni gently lifted her chin.
“I was going to tell her. And then”—she met his eyes—“I was going to break up with you, Zhenya.”
His face fell and he sat back against the wall.
“She’s beautiful,” he said quietly. “I can see why you’d fall for her.”
“I haven’t fallen for her,” Nadia said it to herself as much as to him. “And you’re the most attractive person I’ve ever met. Looks have nothing to do with it.”
“And what about sex? Who’s better—?”
“Evgeni, you’re better than this.”
He dropped his head into his hands. “I don’t know if I am. She’s smarter than me and richer than me. And you’re throwing away everything we have together for her. I just… I don’t know.” Tears ran down his face.
His words landed on her like physical blows. She had no right to comfort him because she was the one hurting him. And she had hurt Ashley. Her indecision had hurt both of them. All she wanted was to curl up in a ball and cry until the ache in her chest subsided. The thought made her feel even worse. It was selfish to leave and it was selfish to stay. Torn with indecisiveness, Nadia remained passively seated.
The seconds turned into minutes that felt like hours. At last Nadia broke the silence. “Are you angry I cheated?” The question had been twisting inside her long before she had met Ashley. She had been indecisively postponing taking a self-destructive path because she doubted Evgeni would understand her. When it came to their relationship, it was all or none for him. It was yet another excruciating fact that grated her conscience.
“I’m hurt,” he said, his voice quivering. “Wouldn’t you be?”
She had no good answer. “I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry.”
“You rarely apologize.”
“I mean it though. And I should have said it sooner.”
“I forgive you. Of course I do,” he said. “But that’s not the point. Tell me honestly: if it’s over between you and her, can we move past this? Can you marry me and live with me for the rest of our lives? Would you be happy?”
Nadia didn’t have to think about the question. She had known the answer long before she had met Ashley. But only now had she found the strength she needed to admit it.
She looked into Evgeni’s eyes, her heart sinking under the weight of the truth. Evgeni was a saint, and she didn’t deserve him. Surely, there was a special circle in hell for people who hurt saints. But she knew what she wanted, and her eyes watered for the millionth time tonight. “No, I wouldn’t be happy.”
Tears rolled down Evgeni’s face. “Then this must be the end for us.”
“The end,” Nadia repeated, the words piercing her heart. It was over. “I still love you,” she whispered.
Evgeni met her eyes, a look of agony painted across his handsome face. “But you were never in love with me.”