The Marshmallow Experiment
Nadia glanced at Ashley again as Jason’s presentation on the last consult for the morning droned on.
Normally she would be amused listening to Jason try to convince them that a patient who wouldn’t tolerate any interventions was a surgical candidate, but right now, she was worried about why Ashley was so distant lately.
She shifted her weight. She had tried not to screw up things between them, but it seemed she had done just that. Again.
It likely had to do with her abrupt departure from Ashley’s apartment a few days ago. But Nadia had promised to take things slow because she knew it was important to Ashley, and she knew by now that she would do anything for her.
But that promise didn’t keep Nadia’s body from pulsing with need every time they were close to each other. Nadia looked away from the group, heat at the memory of their last kiss rising in her cheeks.
To distract herself, she thought of the Stanford psychologist, Walter Mischel. In the late sixties, he conducted an experiment with preschool children. Each child was given one marshmallow and the option to eat it right away or wait fifteen minutes and be rewarded with an additional marshmallow. Then they were left alone with the tempting candy on a plate and nothing else to distract them. Some children waited; others didn’t. When he followed up with the children’s parents years later, he found that the children who had waited scored higher on SAT tests and were considered to be more self-reliant. The message was clear: self-control and the ability to delay gratification predicted greater success in life.
Objectively speaking, Nadia was the most successful person she knew. So self-control should be a walk in the park.
Then she glanced at Ashley and sighed. Theory and practice were two very different things.
“He wants a pericardiectomy as soon as possible,” Jason concluded.
“Did the patient tell you that?” Ashley frowned. “Didn’t you say he was delirious during the exam?”
Nadia pressed her lips together hard to keep from smiling. Ashley looked cute when she was confused.
“Well, yes,” Jason said. “But he did express a strong desire to—”
“He also expressed a desire to marry a Martian. Shall we comply with that request as well?” Nadia’s voice broke through. This meeting was taking too long. “He’s internal medicine’s problem. We drain the fluid. If it reaccumulates, we drain it again. Surgery isn’t an option because of his advanced liver failure. He’ll die on the table if we try to operate.” Nadia paused, seeing stunned expressions all around her. Unfazed, she gave back a look that dared them to disagree. “We’re done rounding.”
Everyone looked at Ashley, who muttered her agreement and dismissed the fellows from the rounds. Then she pivoted on her heels, hurrying away from Nadia.
Nadia chased after her. “Dr. Rylan, can we talk?”
“What is it?” Ashley asked as they ducked into a nearby empty patient room.
“You’ve been avoiding me. Why?”
“I thought…at my place…I thought you wanted to…but then you left.”
Nadia chuckled at Ashley’s lack of vocabulary. When she didn’t join in and her frown deepened, Nadia sighed. “Let me be clear.” She met Ashley’s eyes. “I want you. If we did this my way, we wouldn’t be having idle talks and food preps. I already know you. But that’s why I know the complete experience is important to you. You want the overpriced food, the dying flowers, the personality trivia.” Nadia stroked Ashley’s cheek, adding softly, “And I want to give you that experience and much more.”
Ashley swallowed. “You’re not having second thoughts? This isn’t…a phase for you?”
“You think my attraction to you is temporary?” Surely, a blind person could see how much Ashley meant to her. “It’s not.”
Ashley appeared unconvinced as she chewed on her lip, avoiding Nadia’s eyes.
Nadia exhaled heavily. It would seem women were a lot of work. “This isn’t some teenage fling for me. Stop projecting your past experience onto us. I chose you.” She dropped her hand and gaze to Ashley’s shirt, lightly tugging at the edge. “Besides, if it was temporary, I wouldn’t be summoning all my willpower just to stop myself from tearing your clothes off right now.” She stepped closer, eliciting a soft gasp from Ashley. Yes, doing this here and now was inappropriate and rash. And the boldness of it was worthy of a gasp. Nadia’s body quivered with the familiar need uniquely reserved for Ashley. “How about a kiss for now?” Self-control be damned.
Nadia leaned in, capturing Ashley’s mouth with hers and interrupting her enthusiastic nod. Ashley grabbed handfuls of Nadia’s scrubs, pulling her hard against her. Immediately, Nadia moaned, the sweet taste of Ashley numbing her inhibitions. It was insane to think, even for a second, that Nadia wouldn’t want to spend the rest of eternity exactly where she was.
After a moment longer indulging in her indiscretion, Nadia tapped into her depleting power reserves to pull away. Ignoring the tormenting rush of arousal that surged through her, she glanced around to confirm they were still alone. “You’re not working this weekend, right?”
Ashley nodded.
“I believe it’s my turn to take you out. Besides, I’m afraid you’d want to go horseback riding or walking on the beach, if I left it up to you.” She frowned. “Or worse—horseback riding on the beach.”
Ashley rolled her eyes. “You know, you have a talent for making good things sound horrible.” She smirked. “But I look forward to finding out what qualifies as a reasonable date for you. What time shall we meet?”
“Seven in the morning.”
“You want us to meet that early on our day off?”
“Yes.” Nadia had been picturing another date with Ashley ever since they had left that overpriced restaurant Ashley had taken her to. “Also wear something sporty.”
Ashley’s brows drew together. “Are we going to the gym?”
“Maybe”—Nadia lowered her voice—“or maybe I just want to see you in leggings.” Immediately, Ashley’s pale cheeks flushed and Nadia chuckled. Making Ashley blush was turning into one of her favorite things to do.
“In the meantime,” Nadia stroked her cheek lightly, “I’m happy to continue dissecting our feelings over lunch today.”
“I have a conference call at one,” Ashley said apologetically.
“Since I’m on your service today, why don’t I speed things up a little in the OR so we have time for lunch?”
Ashley smiled. “That sounds nice.” She glanced at Nadia’s hand. “How’s your cut?”
In the operating room, Nadia had been covering her hand injury with Tegaderm, and her dexterity hadn’t suffered one bit. Still, the fact that Ashley remembered to ask her about it made her heart skip a happy beat. She slowly raised her hand and wiggled her fingers. “My hand is fully functional.” She winked.
Once again, Ashley’s cheeks flamed as she shook her head adamantly. “That’s not…why I asked.”
Nadia nodded with a mocking seriousness. “Of course not.”
They both looked up at the sound of approaching footsteps, a reminder of where they were. Nadia held her breath until the footsteps faded, then cleared her throat. “Also, I know it’s a redo CABG, but I’m confident it can be done off-pump. It will be so much faster.”
This time, considerably less shyly, Ashley crossed her arms and bore her eyes into Nadia.
“Fine,” Nadia conceded. “It’s your case; we’ll do it your way.” She smiled, appreciating Ashley’s ability to stand her ground. Besides, Ashley might have won this round, but Nadia wasn’t going to let her have the last word. “While you’re waiting for the patient to roll in, look up Mischel’s study on delayed gratification. We’re discussing it at lunch.”
Ashley’s eyes narrowed. “Was that the marshmallow experiment?”
* * *
Nadia sat on an old wooden bench at the trailhead, breathing in the chilly morning air. It carried the distinct scent of the fresh grass and green trees that surrounded her. She breathed in deeply, exhaled, and watched a faint vapor of condensed water escape her mouth and dissolve in front of her. She caught sight of Ashley approaching from the parking lot and immediately smiled.
Ashley’s workout outfit consisted of black leggings and a light gray hoodie made of the same slimming material. Nadia made a point of staring as Ashley walked to her. Just as with the green dress she had worn in the restaurant, Nadia fought the urge to reach out and touch Ashley. The visual feast would have to be enough.
Her eyes dropped to the pristinely clean white running shoes that completed an outfit that could grace the pages of a sports fashion magazine. “Did you buy these today?” Nadia teased.
“No.” Ashley sniffed. “It was yesterday.”
Nadia laughed, then indicated the path. “Shall we?”
They started off walking, surrounded by tall trees and unseen chirping birds. The paved road turned into dirt, and Nadia began hearing ocean waves crashing in the distance. Even though the trail was mostly deserted, Nadia stayed close to Ashley, their shoulders occasionally brushing. It was an overwhelming brand of serenity that made her want to walk next to Ashley for eternity.
Nadia did a few stretches and jumps to warm up and try to get back on track. Her body and mind were too relaxed to exercise. “The trail is a three-mile loop, supposed to be the most scenic in the area. It should make for a nice run.”
“You don’t run here usually?”
“No, I prefer a treadmill. But you mentioned an interest in hiking, so I thought we might compromise. Today is all about doing mundane, everyday things together.”
Ashley looked at the trail anxiously. “Uh, I don’t usually run.”
Nadia snorted, glancing at the brand-new Nikes. “You could have fooled me.” She touched Ashley’s shoulder. “Come on. We’ll take it slow. You can set the pace.”
Ashley blushed, looking away.
“And we’ll only do one round this time.”
Nadia started jogging. Ashley hesitated briefly, then quickly caught up.
Every time Nadia glanced at Ashley, it disrupted her breathing, but she couldn’t help herself. The view to the right was considerably better than the surrounding scenery.
The smell of saltwater grew stronger, and soon the forest to their left disappeared, replaced by blue sky and ocean that merged over the horizon. When they got to the beach, Ashley dropped gracelessly onto the sand, sucking in air.
“You shouldn’t sit immediately after a run,” Nadia commented, then turned to survey the scene. “The online reviews weren’t exaggerating. The view is stunning.”
“I wouldn’t know,” Ashley gasped.
Nadia laughed. “You did great for your first time.”
“What’s next? Skydiving?”
The dread in her eyes made Nadia wish she’d planned that. “Not today. I promised you a mundane weekend. Besides, I have to stop at the lab. I need to check on a perfusion experiment my staff is running today. We can go to your place first to change and get breakfast.”
Ashley nodded, still gasping, and seemingly too out of breath to voice any objections.
* * *
Ashley had left Nadia alone to focus on her work for a few hours, but she found it impossible to stay away any longer.
As she entered the lab Nadia greeted her with a smile. “Did you miss me?”
Wide-eyed, Ashley glanced at Sarah, who was working on a computer next to Nadia. She tilted her head toward the student.
“Time for lunch.” Nadia pretty much barked the order.
Sarah jumped in her seat. “It’s okay, Dr. Keating. I don’t eat lunch.”
“In that case, go to the library and prepare a presentation on the evolution of membrane oxygenators. Now.”
Guilt stirred in Ashley as Sarah hurried out of the lab. “Please don’t give the poor girl a heart attack on my account.” She wasn’t sure she could deliver the requested lecture at an hour’s notice, let alone the timid student.
“Don’t worry. I don’t really intend to listen her stumble through a talk she isn’t prepared for. I’ll share this news with her in about fifty-five minutes.”
Ashley laughed. “You’re such a jerk.”
“Hm.” Nadia’s lips quirked in amusement. “Anyway, she wouldn’t say anything. But I’ll try to be more discreet next time. I just seem to lose my good sense around you.”
Her intense brown eyes stirred all kinds of butterflies in Ashley’s stomach. It would be easy to ignore her sense of propriety, close the distance between them and do much more than kiss Nadia. She shook the thought away. They needed to exercise caution and restraint in the workplace.
Ashley cleared her throat. “So where do you want to go for lunch?”
“I just ordered some Italian food. It’s in the break room.”
Ashley gulped. Alone time with Nadia in a tight space was sure to test her resolve to stay appropriate in the hospital.
“I heard you found a new place,” Ashley said when they settled next to each other on the small couch.
“Why do we even need to talk when Singh tells you everything that’s going on in my life?”
Ashley continued, undeterred. “She also told me it is—and I quote—a really shitty place. There’s no kitchen, and the bedroom is the size of a shoebox.”
Nadia stabbed a piece of ravioli with her fork. “A big tragedy, I know. All my culinary expertise will go to waste.”
“Nadezhda, I’m serious. You should have told me.”
“So you’d feel bad even though none of this is your fault?” Nadia met Ashley’s eyes, and the intensity in them was far from the sexy kind. “No. It’s fine. It doesn’t matter. I spend most of my time here anyway. Let’s talk about something else.”
Ashley knew that Nadia’s living situation wasn’t her problem, but it gnawed at her all the same. Despite her recent success, Nadia still lived on a fellow’s salary, and Ashley remembered how limiting that had been. Pushing the feeling down, she told herself that Nadia was a grown woman who didn’t need a knight in shining armor to take care of her.
“Tell me something I don’t know about you.”
Nadia rolled her eyes. “This nonsense again?”
“We can always go back to talking about your studio.”
“I’ve been sharing a lot lately.” A smile replaced her grimace. “Why don’t you tell me something about you?”
“Hm, let’s see…” Ashley tapped her chin. “You were the first person I talked to on that dating website”—she licked her lips—“and you are the only person I’ve ever agreed to have sex with without getting to know first.”
Nadia stroked Ashley’s hand lightly. The contact was like an electric current that set her nerves tingling. “That’s sweet,” she said softly, “but those are hardly secrets.”
“Hey!” Ashley slapped her hand playfully as Nadia laughed openly at her reaction.
The door opened, making Ashley jump, and she realized too late that she and Nadia were sitting quite close.
“Sorry… I thought you’d be alone,” Dan stammered.
“What is it?” Nadia asked, her lips held in a thin line.
“It’s not urgent. I’m sorry to interrupt.” He hurried out of the room, flinging the door behind him shut.
Ashley sighed. “Here’s a secret for you: a month ago, he asked me out.”
“I knew that too,” Nadia said, getting up. “I’ll be right back.”
* * *
Motivated by a burning need to set something right for once, Nadia caught up with Dan as he waited for the elevator. She met his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
“Fine,” Nadia said. “I’m not sorry. I wouldn’t do anything differently as far as you’re concerned. But if you care for Rylan as much as you say you do, you wouldn’t torture her like this.”
Dan frowned. “How am I torturing her, exactly?”
“You know—with your puppy-dog eyes and the pouting.”
“Your pep talk sucks.”
Nadia smirked. “I’ve been told that before.”
“You’re right though.” He closed his eyes and gave a deep sigh before opening them again. “She shouldn’t feel miserable just because I do.”
“It’s true,” Nadia agreed. “I’m always right.”
Dan shook his head. “And always so full of it.” The elevator arrived and Dan stepped in, holding the doors open. “I came to tell you that we’re discharging Sanders, if you want to say goodbye.”
Nadia quirked an eyebrow. “Do you know who loves this type of emotional display?”
Dan rolled his eyes. “If I had known Ashley was here today, I’d have told her.”
“I’ll tell her to meet us there.” Nadia pulled out her phone, but then paused and eyed him. “And it’s Dr. Rylan.”
When Ashley joined them at the telemetry floor, Nadia said, “Dan has something he’d like to say to you.”
He looked at Ashley with that lovesick look he usually got around her, and Nadia felt a familiar sense of jealousy course through her. She ignored it. This wasn’t about her.
“I’m sorry for making things awkward between us,” Dan muttered.
Nadia cleared her throat.
“Dr. Rylan,” he added.
“Great,” Nadia said. “One awkward emotional situation down. Let’s go to the patient’s room for another.”
Nadia charged ahead, ignoring their stunned expressions.
She didn’t understand why everyone made such a big fuss about Sanders leaving. He would be back in a week for a follow-up appointment. In fact, there were a series of appointments ahead of him to see how the heart would do long-term. Her steps faltered when she thought about the long road ahead for Sanders and his new heart, but she quickly picked up her pace again. She needed to maintain healthy detachment instead of connecting with patients. Levelheadedness was what saved lives.
“There she is!”
Singh, Sanders, his wife, his children, and a few other people Nadia didn’t recognize applauded. She smiled uncertainly. Mrs. Sanders charged forward to hug her, but Nadia managed to step aside in time to avoid her. She swiftly pointed to the surgeons who had walked in behind her. “You remember Dr. Rylan and Dr. Meyers? They did the bedside operation that saved your husband’s life.”
“Yes, of course. Thank you so much, doctors!” The woman hugged them each in turn, then lunged toward Nadia. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten you, Dr. Keating. You get a hug too!”
Well, at least Nadia had tried to avoid it. She stood still, waiting to regain her personal space and trying her best not to flinch.
“Ready to get out of here?” Ashley asked Sanders.
“Never felt readier. The view from my home window is considerably better than this one. No offense.”
Ashley smiled. “None taken.”
After everyone had shaken everyone else’s hand, the staff accompanied the family to a side exit to avoid any media reporters and said their final goodbyes. Nadia let out a sigh of relief as the weight of balancing politeness and suitable distance lifted off her shoulders. At last she found herself alone with Ashley again.
“That was exciting.” Ashley grinned. “What’s next on your date itinerary?”
Nadia glanced around to make sure that the hallway was empty. She stepped forward and looked into Ashley’s brilliant eyes, her heart rate speeding up. “Next, I ask you if I might come over to your place tonight. And just to be very clear—there will be no baking involved.”
“Does that mean I’ve waited my fifteen minutes and I can eat the marshmallow now?”
With a different meaning in mind, Nadia raised her brows.
Ashley immediately turned crimson. She closed her eyes. “That’s, uh, that’s not what I meant.”
Nadia fought the laughter rising in her chest. “I’m going to do you a favor and give you one more chance to answer my question.”
Ashley groaned and covered her face with her hand. “Yes. Please come over.”
Nadia touched Ashley’s hand, already missing the sight of her pretty face. “I know I promised you a mundane day, but I can’t promise you a mundane night.”
Ashley continued to blush.
Nadia stepped back. As delicious as toying with Ashley was, they shouldn’t act so familiar at work. “I’ll come by at seven, Dr. Rylan.”
“Uh, Nadezhda?”
Nadia paused in mid-pivot.
“You should really call me Ashley.”
The thought of voicing out the name awakened an entire swarm of butterflies in Nadia’s stomach. But after Ashley’s repeated insistence for Nadia to say her name, saying it in the middle of the hallway felt anticlimactic. She would have to prolong this sweet torture just a little while longer. For Ashley’s sake, of course. She smiled deviously and said, “I’ll think about it.”