29

 

A faint knock at the door vaporized Nila’s tormented dreams. She forced her eyes open and peered at the alarm clock. Nine thirty. She gasped. She was late for work! She pushed herself upright, gasped, and lay down again. She pressed her bandaged arm against her ribs as memory returned.

Nick was dead.

Will was gone.

Because of her. Agonizing guilt racked her. She moaned.

“Nila, are you awake? Can I come in?” A soft, childish voice roused her.

She rolled onto her good side and buried her dark thoughts. “Yes. Come in, Gracie.”

The door opened, and a small, dark head peeked around it, questions in her almond-shaped eyes. “Are you OK? Grammy said you got hurt.”

Nila patted the bed beside her. “Come, sit here. I did get hurt, but I’m getting better.” She clenched her teeth, pushed to a seated position, and reached behind to adjust the pillows and leaned back carefully. “When did you get here?”

Gracie climbed onto the bed and sat with her legs straight out in front of her. She arranged her lace-trimmed purple tunic over her leggings before she answered. “Last night. It was way past my bedtime. And yours, too, right? Grammy said I couldn’t come see you because you’d be asleep and you needed the rest.”

“I didn’t hear a thing,” she murmured to herself. “Those painkillers…”

Gracie’s voice squeaked. “Pain killers? What’s that?”

“Grace Ling Phillips! Where are you?” Lily called.

“Uh-oh.” Gracie slid off the bed and waved with her fingers. “I have to go. Bye.”

Nila smiled. “Thanks for coming to see me. I’ll be up in a few minutes.”

Half an hour later, Nila entered the kitchen dressed in overalls and a baggy green sweatshirt.

“Hi, Lily. It’s good to see you. Good morning, Lydia.”

“Good morning, my dear,” Lydia said. “I’m glad you could join us. I’ll bet you’d like some coffee. Here, this is fresh. Did little Miss Gracie disturb you?”

Nila smiled her thanks for the steaming mug and cautiously settled at the table before answering. “No. Those painkillers pretty much knocked me out. I’d been trying to wake up for a while. Gracie helped me.”

Lily grimaced and shook her head. “I told her not to bother you. I should have known she’d have to make sure you’re all right. She’s been as excited to see you as she was her grandparents.” She leaned her hip against the counter. “Looks like you’ve got a fan.”

Nila’s smile disappeared and her shoulders sagged. She set her coffee cup down. “I hope you’re wrong. I’m not role-model material.”

Lydia and Lily shared an unidentifiable gaze.

Lily patted Nila’s shoulder as she walked by. “I’ll go see how Parker and the kids are doing with that jigsaw puzzle. We’ll catch up later, OK?”

Nila nodded, head low.

Lydia sat across from her and waited until Nila met her gaze. “May I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why did you push Nick?”

Nila’s eyes widened. Her heart lurched. “He was going to hurt Jess and Tommy.”

“Did you want to kill him?”

She automatically pressed her hand to her side. “No! Yes.” She closed her eyes. “I don’t know.”

Lydia waited.

When Nila opened her eyes, tears threatened to spill. “I couldn’t let him hurt the kids. I knew he would. And I didn’t think I’d ever really be free from his control.” Regret turned liquid and ran down her cheeks. She buried her face in her hands. “But I didn’t want to kill him. How can I live with that?”

Lydia moved her chair closer and stroked Nila’s back in widening circles of comfort. “You already are released from any guilt. Not only did you defend your own life, you protected the children. And the police agreed.”

“They did.” She lifted her head and turned her wet face toward her friend and mentor. “But I still feel horrible. How can God possibly forgive me?”

Lydia moved closer and hugged Nila. “Would you do something for me? Two things, actually.”

“Of course.”

“Read Isaiah 53, particularly verses 5 and 6. I think they’ll help you understand how God forgave you. Here, use my Bible.”

Nila tilted her head. “OK. And the second thing?”

“Give yourself time to grieve.”

She thought about that for a moment and slowly nodded her head. “I loved Nick. At least I thought it was love. I always hoped he would change. I prayed for him after Jesus saved me.” She sighed. “And now it’s too late.”

Lydia moved to the stove as Nila opened the Bible. “Feed your soul, but feed your body, too, if you want to heal quickly,” she said. “What would you prefer, french toast or scrambled eggs?”

Nila opened her mouth to refuse but changed her mind when her stomach grumbled. “Eggs, please. And thank you.”

“You’re more than welcome. Want to read out loud? I love those verses.”

Nila bent over the Bible and read aloud until her throat constricted.

“But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.”

Nila closed the book. She couldn’t bear the shame. It was her fault Jesus had suffered.

Why had Lydia chosen those verses? Didn’t she realize?

Forgiveness was only for those who forgave. Guilt suffocated her. She couldn’t breathe. She pushed away from the table and stumbled toward the basement door.

“I’m sorry, Lydia,” she said. “I need to be alone.”

 

****

 

Monday afternoon, Will stepped back and admired his handiwork. White bi-fold doors now covered the deep closet in Nila’s new bedroom. Already the room felt brighter, and after one more coat of semi-gloss paint and installation of a couple doorknobs, this part of his project would be complete.

He heard a knock at the door and voices in the kitchen. The enticing smell of fresh coffee and some kind of baking drew him into the kitchen.

“Happy Christmas Eve, Will. I thought you and Faith might need a break.” Kendra handed a plate of warm, chocolate chip cookies to his sister and set an open, steaming thermos on the counter.

“Thanks. Chocolate chip—my favorite.” He grabbed a cookie and popped it in his mouth. “Um-mm, these are good.” He chewed, swallowed, and grinned. “Happy day-before-Christmas to you, too.”

Faith pulled three mugs from the cupboard. “You must have read our minds. This is perfect. Can you join us?”

Kendra shook her head. “No, thanks. I don’t want to keep you, and I’ve still got packing to do. We’re taking off tonight to spend the holidays with my parents. I wanted to see how you were doing, though.”

Faith poured two cups of coffee and handed one to Will, who popped a second cookie into his mouth as he accepted the coffee mug.

“I’m not nearly finished with the boxes we brought over today. Hopefully we’ve still got a few hours before Jason calls for help. Thanks for letting us in. Nila’s lucky to have you for a landlord.” Faith moaned in pleasure as she bit into a cookie. “Kendra, these are fantastic.”

“They sure are,” Will mumbled, around his mouthful of cookie.

“Glad you like them. And I’m glad you’re doing this for Nila. Sounds like she needs friends like you.”

Will swallowed his cookie, but part of it seemed to stick in his throat. His voice cracked as he said, “Sure hope she agrees.”

After Kendra left, Faith sat on the flowered couch and patted the cushion beside her. “We need to talk.”

Will grabbed a third cookie before crossing the room to sit beside his sister. “What about?”

“A couple things.” Faith closed her eyes briefly, and when she opened them, dampness shimmered there. “I said it before, but I’m really sorry I lashed out at you. I was just so worried. We saw the ambulance, and…”

Will hunched forward, his elbows on his knees. His shoulders drooped under the weight of regret. “You were right. I promised to be there, and I left.” He shuddered. “When I think about how it could have ended…”

“But it didn’t.”

Will leaned into his sister’s hand as she kneaded the knotted muscles in his back.

“You had an impossible choice to make. And guess what? God still managed to save my kids, even without your help.”

Will straightened, dislodging her hand. “Yeah, He did. But I still regret my choice.” He faced her. “What’s the second thing?”

Faith broke eye contact. “I guess it’s two more things. I really appreciate you letting me help with this. I feel guilty, too, and doing this for Nila alleviates that a bit.”

Will frowned. “Why?”

Faith sighed. “If I hadn’t been so eager to get a night out…”

“Hold on.” He waited until she faced him. “Mom said something last night. Maybe you weren’t in the room. But it stuck with me, since I have so many regrets. Haven’t really figured it out yet, but it got me thinking.”

“What?”

“Just this: God is never caught off guard. Never surprised. No matter what. Before it happens, He knows.”

Faith leaned her head against the back of the couch and closed her eyes. “I didn’t hear that. Wow.”

“Yeah. It’s rolling around in my head. Something to think about, eh?”

His sister nodded without speaking.

“Anyway, we need to finish this.” He glanced at his watch. He needed to get home and shower before the Christmas Eve service. “You bringing the kids to the church?”

“Of course. We want to make it a family tradition. So I guess we’d better get back to work if we want to get this part done. ”

“Wait a sec. What’s the third thing?”

Faith grinned. “When are you planning to tell Nila how you feel about her?”

Will felt his face warm. “I was kind of hoping this”—he gestured around the small suite—“would tell her.”

His sister shook her head. “Nope. It might do for a guy, but women like words, too.”

She patted his cheek as she stood. “I’ll help you practice, if you want. Repeat after me, I adore you, Nila. You are my world, the light of my life. Marry me. Without you I am nothing.”

Will swatted at her arm, but she back-stepped out of reach. “Missed me.”

“You’re a brat,” he said, “but I love you, anyway.” He opened another box, but his mind kept replaying his sister’s words. Was he ready to say them?

And how would Nila respond? How much time did she need?