31

 

Nila couldn’t hear anything outside the office.

The Harris family must have gone downstairs to watch a Christmas movie marathon as promised.

She took a deep breath and placed her hand over her pounding heart. She lifted her chin and met Will’s gaze. “A while ago, you said you wanted to know me, to know my past. Is that still true?” She held her breath.

Will tilted his head and nodded, puzzlement on his face.

She reached behind her for the stack of paper on the printer. She handed the sheaf to him. “I wrote these letters to everyone I could remember who hurt me. I needed to forgive them and release myself from all the pain they caused.” She drew in a quivering breath. “Pastor Dave told me this was a good way to do that.”

Will pulled out the desk chair and sank into it. “You’re right. I need to sit.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “Are you sure you want me to read these?”

Nila sagged against the desk as her courage deflated. She couldn’t face him. “You don’t have to. They’re not pleasant.”

He set the papers on the floor. “Come here. Please.”

She looked into his eyes. The light that shone from them brought fresh tears. She let them fall as she stood in front of him.

His hands cupped her face, and his thumbs wiped her tears. He carefully tugged her onto his lap and kissed her with a gentleness that stirred her soul. “I was afraid,” he whispered, “that you never wanted to see me again. I thought you’d called me over to say goodbye. Forever.” He kissed her again, and his tears mingled with hers.

He pulled back and traced her tears with one finger. “I am humbled and honored that you would ask me to read these letters.” He gestured to the pile on the floor. “I do want to know you. I want to share your pain.” He sighed raggedly.

The sound ripped at her heart. She mirrored his action and traced the wetness on his cheeks. “After you read those letters, I’m going to burn them in the fire pit in the backyard. If you’re willing, I’d like you to help me do that.”

He nodded and closed his eyes for a moment. His Adam’s apple bobbed. “Thank you.”

Nila slid off his lap and went to the door. “I’ll wait in the kitchen. Whenever you’re ready, let me know.”

He smiled then, and his deep blue eyes held hers. “As you wish.”

 

****

 

Will waited until the door closed and clicked behind Nila. He picked up the sheaf of papers and set them on his lap.

The top sheet began, “Dear Nick.”

At first, he scanned the document in an attempt to remain detached. It didn’t work. As he read Nila’s description of the first time Nick beat her, Will felt his pulse jump. His whole body stiffened. He stopped to gulp in a breath and let it out through his nose. He didn’t know if he could handle this. Part of him wanted to shove the letters away. The truth hurt so much.

But she trusted him. Nila had opened her past to him through these letters. He couldn’t let her down. He gritted his teeth, bowed his head, and continued to read.

I thought you loved me, Nick. But love doesn’t do the things you did.

Her confession and absolution continued, and by the fifth page, Will could no longer hold back his tears. He wept for the young woman who’d felt trapped and unworthy of freedom. He wept for the abuse she’d suffered. He sobbed aloud for the lonely, mistreated child she’d been. He lost all concept of time as he immersed himself in her pain. He marveled at her perception and willingness to forgive.

By the time he set aside the final page of the letter written to her unknown mother, Will’s energy had ebbed, leaving him devastated. And amazed.

How had she endured all that? She could have given up, chosen bitterness and self-pity. Instead, she’d embraced forgiveness and love. In Jesus’ name.

Will grabbed several tissues and blew his nose. He ignored the wetness on his cheeks as he leaned back and lifted his face toward heaven.

He’d never understand why she’d had to endure so much. No one should suffer like that.

But she’d survived, like purified gold.

He leaned forward, elbows on knees, and lowered his face into his hands. He wept in sorrow, love, and wonder.

How could he ever be worthy of her?

 

****

 

Nila looked up when Lydia poked her head around the kitchen door from the basement. “May I come in?” the older woman asked. “The kids are hungry, so I thought I’d grab some snacks. OK?”

Nila closed her Bible and pushed her chair back. She knew her red, puffy eyes and nose revealed her ravaged emotions.

But Lydia would understand.

“Of course.” She glanced at the clock on the kitchen wall. “Oh, I didn’t realize it was so late. I’m sorry. I didn’t think we’d need this much time.”

Lydia shook her head. “Stay put. I’ll just get some buns, cheese slices, and carrot sticks. What you’re doing is incredibly important. We’re all praying.” She gathered the food, kissed the top of Nila’s head, and headed for the stairs.

“Thank you,” Nila said. “For praying.” When the basement door closed, she pushed to her feet. It had been a long time. She hoped Will was all right. She hoped…

“Nila.”

At the sound of Will’s voice, she turned.

His face looked as if he’d just come from a battle zone.

Her heart twisted. Had she asked too much? Uncertainty forced her back, away from the deep sorrow in his eyes. “I—I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you to read those.”

His long legs brought him within inches of her quaking body. His finger under her chin lifted her face until she had to meet his gaze. He caressed her cheek with his thumb as he lowered his lips to hers.

“Will…”

“Shh. Not yet,” he murmured against her mouth.

He wrapped his arms around her as though she might break.

Nila leaned into his embrace. She’d missed this. She slipped her good arm around his waist and pressed her ear to his heart. Its beat reminded her of a marching band’s bass drum. Steady, stirring, and strong. She wanted to listen to it forever. “I love you, Will.”

He stiffened.

Fear surged through her.

But with one gentle finger he lifted her face to his and just before their lips joined, he murmured, “I love you, too. So much.”

She pressed her lips and body to his, eagerly welcoming the currents that sparked between them. She never wanted to let go.

Will pulled back first. His voice sounded ragged. “Is the fire pit ready?”

Nila released a long, unsteady breath. “Yes. Dave and Parker took care of it earlier.” She stepped back a few inches.

His eyes deepened to midnight blue. With his index finger he tenderly traced the outline of her lips. “Do you still want to do this?”

She lifted her chin, and her mouth moved against his finger. “I do.”

 

****

 

Flames danced in shades of red, orange, and blue and created a festive glow in the dark, frozen garden.

As Will handed the letters one at a time to Nila, she fed page after page into the fire.

Every tear-stained letter, every disclosure of abuse and neglect, was released to the flames with a blessing. “I forgive you.”

Will felt tears cool on his cheeks as he stood in the trampled snow beside the fire pit. Awe filled him as he watched Nila.

Each time she accepted another sheaf from him, her face gained more radiance.

And not just from the fire. He knew without a doubt that, like Moses before the burning bush, he stood on holy ground. He handed over the final letter, the one to her birth mother.

Nila accepted it with a quavering smile. Tears ran down her face. “This is it,” she said. “Almost done.” She stepped closer to the fire and offered the letter to its flames.

When she turned around, he opened his arms wide, and she rushed into his embrace. “I’m so proud of you,” he whispered into her hair.

They remained side by side, arms around each other’s waists, in the darkening yard until the flames reduced to embers.

Only then did Will realize how cold he was.

Nila shivered against him and leaned closer. “It is finished,” she said into the holy silence. She looked up at him, and her eyes shone. “I’m free. I feel it. I really am free, at last.” She closed her eyes for a moment. “Thank you, Jesus.”

Will began to sing, soft and low. “Amazing grace…”

Nila’s voice joined his. “How sweet the sound…”

The door to the house opened, and the bundled-up Harris family poured out and joined them. “That saved a wretch like me…”

Will lifted his face toward the clouds as he held out his hand to Garrett.

It sounded as though heaven’s choir accompanied their song as they joined hands around the fading fire.

The final notes seemed to hang in the frozen air.

Gracie’s eyes were round as she squeezed Nila’s hand. “I heard angels. Did you?”