| |
“Damn, this isn’t a joke, huh?” I commented. Class had just let out and most people had got up to leave with a small group gathered around the teachers desk. Jennifer and I were seated next to each other.
“I know,” she agreed. “I knew it was going to be hard but damn!”
I let out a grunted sigh. “This is really frustrating.”
“What is?” she asked.
“My memory is messed up. There are still a lot of things that I don’t really recall, and the doctor told me that because of my issues, I would have a hard time retaining new information. I’m supposed to be seeing a specialist at some point, and it can’t come soon enough. I just want to feel normal again.”
“You just have to work that much harder,” Jennifer said. “I know what it’s like to want to feel normal. I went through such an awkward stage after losing my baby. Having to deal with people was the worst part.”
“Tell me about it,” I said in agreement. “Everyone looks at you like you’re some kind of victim. They keep asking if you’re alright. You want people to care, but you also don’t want them feeling sorry for you.”
Jennifer nodded her head. “I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who knows about these kinds of things. It feels good to share with someone else,” she said sincerely. She smiled at me and I returned it. “I’m about to head out, but I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?”
I nodded. “I’ll be looking forward to it.”
Jennifer left the room and I finally gathered my stuff together. There was a dude behind me doing the same. He’d been one of the ones at the teacher's desk asking about the assignments we had to complete. When I got a good look at his face, I realized that I recognized him from somewhere.
“Pardon me, but do I know you?” I asked him.
He shook his head quickly and stuffed a notebook into his bag. “Nah man. I get that a lot,” he said. He was moving fast to get away, but I was right on his tail.
“Weren’t you on Walk By Faith? I used to love that show,” I said from behind him. He stopped walking and turned to me, looking annoyed.
“Yeah,” he mumbled.
I didn’t know if he was having a bad day or what, but he didn’t seem like he wanted to talk about it. I wasn’t a groupie or anything, so I just dropped it. It was interesting to see him at St. Luke’s Academy of all places.
“My bad for bothering you,” I apologized. “It just caught me off guard. Anyway, I’m Dez.”
He grabbed my hand and dapped it up. “I’m Jackson,” he said. He didn’t appear to be in the mood for talk, but since we were two of the last people to leave, I struck up a convo.
“So how are you liking the school so far?” I asked. “I didn’t realize it was gonna be this hard.”
“Yeah, me either,” he said dryly.
“Did you see the syllabus? We’ve got a lot of stuff to cover in a such short amount of time,” I said. I hoped I wasn’t coming across as annoying, but I just needed someone to speak with.
“Yeah, we do,” he agreed. He was keeping his words short and sweet.
“Look, I’m not trying to get on your nerves or anything. I was just trying to talk. If you don’t want conversation then that’s cool too,” I said.
Jackson shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m just having a rough time lately, and it’s been making my attitude worse,” he said sincerely.
“It’s cool. Everybody has a story,” I said. We made small talk as we walked out of the building. I spotted one of the other students outside. He was this skinny guy who was always hanging out down by the gym. He walked past Jackson and me with his head in his phone. I didn’t know what the issue between them was, but the look Jackson gave him was ice cold.
“Damn, what was that about?” I asked.
Jackson turned to me. “What?”
“You gave that dude the death stare? Y’all got beef or something?” I questioned.
He shook his head. “Nah, it’s something else,” he said nonchalantly. We’d arrived at his car. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Nice meeting you.”
“Same here,” I agreed.
I had therapy the following day with Tamia. I was glad for the once a week appointment that gave me the chance to speak with her. Having someone outside of my friends and family to talk with surely made all the difference. I didn’t have to hide thoughts from Tamia, and she knew how to push me further into my emotions which was a good thing, because I could be really introverted.
When I got to her office, I explained my encounters: first meeting Jennifer and interacting with Jackson. I also said that I was glad to be in school.
“I’m glad that things are going well for you,” Tamia said with a smile.
“Me too,” I agreed.
“So you say that Jennifer pointed out a picture of you on the wall, one you didn’t really remember? How does that make you feel?”
I let out a sigh. “It’s fine,” I said.
Tamia smirked. “Something about your reaction tells me otherwise.”
I released another breath. “It’s just...I...my memory gets on my nerves,” I admitted.
“How so?” Tamia questioned.
“I was standing there looking at a picture from two years ago, and I honestly couldn’t feel any connection. I sit in classes and my mind can’t recall all of what’s going on. It’s making all of this a lot harder than I thought, and it just appear frustrating at times.”
“What did you think would happen?” she asked.
I gave her a confused stare, so she repeated the question, this time a little slower. “I said: what did you think would happen?”
“What do you mean?”
“Desmond, you went through a near death experience. You’ve been through physical therapy, rehab, counseling, therapy, and a bunch of other things. You’ve been physically scarred for life and your mental wounds haven’t healed yet either. Based on all of that, did you think that you’d be able to walk back in and suddenly become who you used to be?” She then slowly sat back in her chair because she knew that her question had dropped a bomb.
“I...” I began, but I closed my mouth and considered my answer. “It’s not fair.”
“What’s not?” she asked confused.
“None of this!” I shouted. “You think that I want any of this? I don’t. I never wanted this. I wanted to be special and to be known for my works, not for being the victim of some random accident. I wake up some days in pain. When it rains, I hide in my closet because thunder and lightning scare the shit out of me now. I thought going back to school might shine some light into my life, but all it does is remind me of who and what I used to be.” The words flowed out of me like water from a stream. I didn’t realize how much stuff I’d been holding inside.
“Are you angry with God because of what happened to you?”
“Yes!” I finally admitted out loud. It felt like a weight was lifted as I said it. “I don’t care about plans or destiny or any of that stuff. I was a good person. I was a kid. Why’d He choose me?”
“Sometimes God moves us into positions that we’re not ready for in order to prepare us for what’s coming next,” Tamia said solemnly.
I looked down at my phone and saw that we had about twenty minutes left before we had to conclude our session. I didn’t care. I’d become too emotional. Without another word, I stormed out of her office.