We all have emotions, and we never know when they will show up or go away, but we don’t have to let them rule us. We can control our emotions and break up with emotional habits that harm both ourselves and others. Some emotional habits that are harmful are self-pity, depression and excessive discouragement or grief, and letting our circumstances determine our mood. Others are a quick temper, being touchy and easily offended, and taking action based on emotion without being realistic and giving thought to what we are doing. There are hundreds of emotions, but these are some of the ones we deal with most often.
The habit of feeling sorry for ourselves is what I refer to as an ugly habit.
There is nothing more unattractive to look at or more unpleasant to be around than a person who is prone to self-pity. It is very draining on everyone. I know a woman who was very sweet and pleasant all of her life, and she loved doing things for other people. But at the age of eighty-seven she could no longer live alone and had to become a resident in a nursing home. The nursing home was one of the best in the city, and the staff was superior. She was taken good care of, had good meals, her children paid all the bills and visited her often, but she let the emotion of self-pity begin to rule in her life. She grumbled about and found fault with everything. She frequently said that people just didn’t understand how hard it was to give up all of her stuff and have to rely on other people.
The problem became so severe that people dreaded visiting her, and the staff cringed each time she pressed the button to turn on the red flashing light outside her door, indicating that she wanted or needed something.
Thinking about the negatives in her life eventually made her angry and depressed, and sadly her doctor had to give her more and more anxiety and nerve medicine to keep her calm enough for people to handle her. I truly believe that if she had been positive and thankful, her experience could have been a joy. She was so self-absorbed that she refused to even go out of her room to visit with any of the other residents or go to the dining room, chapel, or to any function the nursing home offered. To me, this is a good example of how habitually displaying wrong emotions can literally ruin our life and relationships. She did have a choice about how she would react to this new season in her life, but she made the wrong choice and it led to miserable years for her that could have easily been avoided.
One of my greatest problems in the earlier years of my life was self-pity. It was definitely an emotion that I allowed to control me most of the time. When I didn’t get what I wanted or had difficulties and problems, my first reaction was to feel sorry for myself. I had endured an abusive childhood and an unfaithful first husband and somehow I fell into the trap of thinking I had a right to feel sorry for myself. I thought that after what I had endured, it was time for me to have life easy and my way, and when that was not the case I sank into self-pity. I remember when God spoke to my heart: “Joyce, you have a reason to feel sorry for yourself, but you have no right to because I am willing and waiting to bring justice and recompense into your life.” When we allow ourselves to become a victim, it threatens our future. No matter how poor a start we may have had in life, or even how bad things are now, God will always pay us back and give us double blessing for our former trouble if we are willing to do things His way. His way is not self-pity and all of the other negative emotions that go with it. I had to break the habit of self-pity, and you will need to do the same thing if it is a problem for you. Self-pity keeps you stuck with only yourself, and the self you are with isn’t a happy one. You become the center of your universe. God had to show me that self-pity is actually idolatry, because when we are turned inward we are focusing on pleasing ourselves rather than focusing on God.
Self-pity is a death and has no resurrection, a sinkhole from which no recusing hand can drag you because you have chosen to sink.
Elizabeth Elliot
We cannot receive help from God or man until we make the decision to break the bad habit of sinking into self-pity when we face disappointments in life.
As with any bad habit, the way to overcome self-pity is to recognize it and realize that it is hurting you and is not pleasing to God. Then you must confess it as sin, repent, and ask for forgiveness and God’s help in changing. Learn to recognize the signs that you are sinking into self-pity and say, “No, I am not going to that dark place again.” Self-pity is a total waste of time, and it makes us feel lousy. It prevents God from helping us, makes us unpleasant to be with, and steals joy and peace.
If you are starting to sink into self-pity, then think about your blessings. Write them down and rehearse them out loud. Go visit or call someone who is worse off than you are. Get out and help somebody, but whatever you do, don’t just sink deeper and deeper into feeling sorry for yourself. If you have a place to live, food to eat, and clothes to wear, you are better off than more than half of the world’s population. If we compare ourselves to people who appear to have a better life than we do, we can easily sink into self-pity. However, if we compare ourselves to those who have less than we do, then we will feel fortunate indeed. Develop the habit of not letting emotions like self-pity control you.
Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret—it only causes harm.
Psalm 37:8 (NKJV)
Temper is a symptom—self is the disease. We can easily become angry and lose our peace when we don’t get what we want, but we can also develop the habit of staying peaceful and not allowing our emotions to control us. Keeping “self” happy can become a full-time job, but the pay is disappointing at the end of the week. I eventually realized that the more I doted on myself, the more miserable I was. I believe that the only path to true happiness is to forget yourself and live to be a blessing to others. God will always provide our joy if we follow His guidelines for a happy life.
The Bible teaches us clearly that we are to control our temper. You may think that you can’t do that, but the truth is that it is your temper, and only you can lose it or control it. The choice is yours. I grew up in a home where anger and turmoil were the norm. My father was an extremely angry man. He used his temper to control people through fear. I was so accustomed to anger that I didn’t even know that peace was an option until I saw God’s peace operating through Dave.
Righteous anger is a divine emotion, but it is anger directed toward evil rather than all the people and things in our life that inconvenience us. If we are going to get angry, why not get angry enough at poverty to do something about it? Or so angry at human trafficking that you pray and participate in some way in rescuing those enslaved by this terrible tragedy? Recently one of our medical teams was in an area of the world where sex trafficking is rampant, and due to the extreme poverty that exists there, many parents sell off one or two of their children for five hundred dollars in order to prevent the other five or six from starving. They rationalize that at least the ones they sell will be fed, and the price they get for them will feed the ones who are left behind. They have no true understanding that they are selling their children into a life of torment, disease, and slavery. Thankfully, we are negotiating right now with traffickers in that area to buy the girls back—girls who were already in a container waiting to be shipped to another country where they would be forced into prostitution. It will cost three thousand dollars but is worth every penny to save them from the life they would be facing. We are angry about this evil in the world today, but it is a righteous anger that moves us to action. I wasted too much of my life in unrighteous anger, being angry because I wasn’t getting everything I wanted, and I refuse to waste any more of it. Are you at that point yet? I hope you are, and that you will start being in control of your anger instead of allowing it to control you.
While there is righteous anger, that usually isn’t the kind of anger we experience. Moreover, that isn’t what gets us into trouble. The type of anger that we usually feel is unrighteous anger. It is the anger that triggers pain and damage not only to others but also to ourselves.
The emotion of unrighteous anger is a disease waiting to happen. Frequent anger places undue stress on us and is the root cause of many illnesses. Doctors from Coral Gables, Florida, compared the efficiency of the heart’s pumping action in eighteen men with coronary artery disease to nine healthy controls. Each of the study participants underwent one physical stress test (riding an exercise bicycle) and three mental stress tests (doing math problems in their heads, recalling a recent incident that had made them very angry, and giving a short speech to defend themselves against a hypothetical charge of shoplifting). Using sophisticated X-ray techniques, the doctors took pictures of the subjects’ hearts in action during these tests.
For all the subjects, anger reduced the amount of blood that the heart pumped to body tissues more than the other tests did, and this was especially true for those who had heart disease.
The doctors administering the tests commented, “Why anger is so much more potent than fear or mental stress is anybody’s guess. But until we see more research on this subject, it couldn’t hurt to count to ten before you blow your stack.”
God’s interpretation of “Don’t blow your stack” is “Hold your peace” (Exodus 14:14). He has given us His peace, but we have to hold on to it when the temptation to lose it arrives at our doorstep. I know that it is possible to break the habit of letting the emotion of unrighteous anger control us and to enjoy the peace of God at all times.
We have learned behaviors that cause us to react to a variety of situations without even thinking. They are habits that have been formed through years of repetition. When we are upset, we react one way; when we are discouraged, it may be another way. When we are hurt, we may react in a completely different way than when we are upset or discouraged. Jesus experienced all of these emotions and yet He always reacted the same way. He trusted God and remained peaceful. Can we do the same thing? Yes, we can! Begin paying attention to how you react in situations and record your observations in a journal. Before long you will realize that you are reacting to emotional stimuli instead of purposely acting according to God’s instructions in His Word. You can develop a new habit of remaining stable in all circumstances.
If I feel sorry for myself and angry when someone hurts my feelings, then I am reacting to the emotions they stirred up in me. That puts them in control of my life, and that is not a good thing. However, if I forgive them, which is what Jesus teaches us to do, then God is controlling my life, and that is a wonderful thing. If we allow what other people do to us and other circumstances to control our behavior, then we become a slave to our emotions. On the other hand, if we are willingly led by the Word of God and by His Spirit, we become Servants of God and can expect to enjoy life and all God has promised us.
Everyone experiences emotional wounds in their life, some of them deeper than others. We all must learn not to allow our emotions to control us, but people who have been deeply wounded emotionally may have more difficulty doing so than others. If a person has been rejected, abandoned, or abused, it is probable that their emotions do not function as they would if they had been spared those traumas. If love and acceptance have been withheld or you have been made to feel that you have no value, you fit into the category of people God calls the brokenhearted. But I have good news for you. Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted, to give them beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, and praise for heaviness. He also came to exchange turmoil for peace.
I have been the recipient of God’s healing in my life and I hope you have also. However, if you are in need of this kind of healing, I want to assure you that Jesus is waiting with open arms to begin a miraculous restoration in your life. If your emotions are wounded, you may have emotional habits that are harmful to you.
Do you eat for comfort when you are hurt or upset? Many people who have a habit of overeating run to the refrigerator for comfort when they should be going to God.
Do you go shopping and spend money that you don’t have when you’re hurting? If so, you are trying to buy comfort. Whatever comfort we obtain from pampering our flesh is temporary at best, but the deep wound that needs God’s healing touch is still in us. Whether it is eating, shopping, gambling, drugs, alcohol, or any other destructive behavior, God can and will deliver people with those problems. He is the God of all healing and comfort. He is our Deliverer! The first step to freedom is to recognize the truth about why we do what we do and be determined that, with God’s help, we will not stay in bondage.
People do all sorts of things when they are upset or feel emotionally down in any way. These emotions cause stress, and people revert to habits—things that we do often without even being aware that we are doing them—for relief. Learn to run to God in times of stress instead of to the habit or addiction you normally turn to. Jesus simply says, “Come unto Me.”
When is a destructive behavior a habit and when is it an addiction? We can have varying degrees of habits that more or less have control over us. But when a destructive habit is taken to extremes, then it usually becomes an addiction, something that one must do in order to feel calm or satisfied.
When I smoked cigarettes I automatically reached for a cigarette many times a day, but especially when I was in a stressful situation. I was addicted to the nicotine and had to go through a period of discomfort physically, emotionally, and mentally in order to stop smoking. I never said, “I am addicted to cigarettes.” I said, “I have a bad habit of smoking cigarettes.” I believe we feel more comfortable thinking that we have a bad habit rather than that we are addicted to anything. Did I have a bad habit or was I addicted? I am not exactly sure when a habit becomes an addiction, but I think the answer is the same. The process of healing may be more difficult if a habit has become an addiction, but it is self-defeating to think that if we are addicted to something, we are stuck with the problem and just cannot help doing what we do.
Addicts may feel that they have no choice in their behavior. They think they are addicted and must do what they do. When we see something as a habit, we are more inclined to believe the bad habit can be broken. But I assure you that whatever category your problem falls into—you can be set completely free.
Whether the problem is biting your fingernails or a heroin addiction, the answer is still the same: God will help you! I don’t mean that to sound overly simplified, but in reality it is. He is our Helper! Will breaking these habits or addictions be easy? No! Is it possible? Yes, absolutely yes! If you are addicted to any kind of behavior that is destructive, you are hurting and suffering and may feel trapped and hopeless, but God offers us hope in Him. You will go through suffering while you are giving up these habits and addictions, but it will be a suffering that will eventually bring joy.
When you are suffering the symptoms that go along with change of any kind, always remember: THE SUFFERING WILL COME TO AN END!