I pulled the car into the parking lot of First Presbyterian Church and shut it off. I lay my head on the steering wheel as my tears threatened to cascade down my face. I sniffed back the on-coming tears, then I raised my head to gaze out my car window. The parking lot was full of cars. I smiled to myself sadly as I realized that all these people were here to see my baby off. Some were people that Michelle knew and others were strangers who were apart of the LGBTQ community. They wanted to come out and show love to one of their fallen peers. I bowed my head and closed my eyes as I prayed silently. I asked God to welcome my baby into his pearly gates and make her happy until I could be with her again. I asked him to take good care of my baby up there in heaven. I finished my prayer and reached over to my passenger seat for my Bible. I grabbed it and my purse, then I stepped out of my car.
I walked slowly towards the front doors as a few mourners were entering. I walked inside behind them as I clutched my bible tightly in my hands. People greeted me as I made my way down the aisle. I heard “I’m so sorry for your loss.” and “She’s with the angels now.” As I passed by. I walked slowly until I reached the front of the pews. I walked over to my designated seat. Already seated were Michelle’s best friends Megan and Sharon. Also sitting in the front row was Michelle’s surgeon Dr. Slate, Michelle’s therapist Dr. Martin and a few of her friends that belonged to the LGBTQ community. I slid down in my seat and placed my Bible in my lap. There was another seat vacant beside me which was reserved for Melvin, but I hoped that he didn’t sit there. I didn’t want him anywhere near me.
Megan reached over and hugged me to her chest and placed a kiss on my forehead.
“Mrs. Andres, I miss her so much.” She whispered.
“I miss her too,” I responded, getting choked up.
“She was our best friend,” Sharon commented with tears glistening in her eyes.
“I know, right? We did everything together.” agreed Megan.
“I know. Y’all were the three musketeers.” I said chuckling slightly.
“I’m certainly going to miss having her around,” said Sharon.
Dr. Slate stood up and wrapped her arms around me in a hug. She kissed the top of my head as she held me in her arms.
“I am so sorry for your loss Mrs. Andres. Michelle was special to me. To me, I was more than just her surgeon.” She said, letting go of me and taking her seat.
Next, Dr. Martin got up and hugged me. She rubbed my back soothingly as she spoke to me.
“You know that Michelle was more than just a patient to me. She was full of so much life. I wish things didn’t end this way.”
I nodded my head in agreement as tears flooded my eyes. They soon spilled over and dripped down my face. The sunglasses still covered my eyes, but they did little to hide my pain. I removed them as I wiped at the tears falling down my face. Dr. Martin dug in her pocket and produced a handful of Kleenex and handed them to me before she sat back in her seat. I wiped at my eyes, but the tears wouldn’t stop falling. Finally, I gave up and let them fall. My makeup was smeared, but I didn’t care. I was hurting. My heart was broken. My appearance didn’t matter to me.
The church soon filled as mourners made their way to their seats. There were hushed murmurs as people situated themselves comfortably in chairs. I looked around at the setup of the place. There were pink, white, and red decorations everywhere. Streamers hung from the ceilings and balloons floated around. Each chair had either a red, white or pink cover on them. The flowers that decorated the altar were the same colors, and so were the flowers that surrounded the portrait of Michelle I had made for her. Her smile radiated through the image. She was so beautiful. I smiled as I blew the picture a kiss. My eyes fell on the casket at the front of the room. It was ivory white and trimmed in gold and was mounted on a stand that resembled a crown. My baby was a princess, and she deserved to go out as such.
Once the church was full, and everyone was seated, the pastor stood at the front of the room. He cleared his throat and spoke into the microphone behind the podium.
“Good morning.” He greeted.
“Good morning.” Everyone greeted in return.
“We are here today to celebrate the life of Michelle Anderson. Although she is no longer with us, we will celebrate her memory. I have strict instructions not to make this a day of sadness, but a day of happiness. Michelle would’ve wanted everyone here who loved her to celebrate her life. She was a joy to those who had the pleasure to know her. Those of you who didn’t have a chance to meet Ms. Michelle, you lost out on a good thing. She had a zest for life despite her struggles at the beginning of her life. She was a joy to her mother and a gift to her friends. It is unfortunate that her time on this earth has ended so soon, but heaven has just received its newest angel.” The pastor used a handkerchief to wipe beads of sweat from his forehead as he continued to speak. “Michelle had a big heart. She loved helping others, and she gave freely of herself. If you needed anything, she was there. She wasn’t a member of this church, but I had the pleasure of meeting Ms. Michelle. She was so full of life and a joy to be around. She loved people for who they were, and she never tried to be something that she wasn’t. So, let’s celebrate Michelle. Let’s let her memory live o— “
The pastor’s words were cut off as the doors to the church were thrust open. Heads turned in the direction to see who had disturbed the atmosphere. Melvin walked in looking around at all the assembled faces as he walked down the aisle. He was dressed in a crisp black suit with a white shirt underneath. He wore black dress shoes that shined like new pennies. His bald head shone under the bright lights, and his mustache and beard were neatly trimmed to perfection. He looked as if he was auditioning to be the next model in GQ magazine. He smiled broadly as he waved at people he knew as he walked. He spotted me sitting in the front row, and he made his way over. He bent down and kissed me on the forehead, then he took the seat next to me.
I cringed at his lips touching my skin, but I wasn’t going to make a scene in front of all these people. I don’t know what he thought he was proving by showing up late to his own child’s funeral. All he was doing was making himself look stupid. I shook my head and rolled my eyes irritated. I scooted to the side of my seat. I didn’t want any part of him touching me. He disgusted me. I could hear people muttering under their breaths at the intrusion and the blatant disrespect.
“How is he going to come late to his own child’s funeral?” I heard someone mutter.
“That is so sad. I heard he is the reason his daughter is dead anyway.” I heard someone else whisper.
“Humph. Ought to be ashamed of himself.” I heard an older woman grunt disapprovingly.
The pastor clapped his hands to get everyone’s attention, and the whispering and muttering ceased.
“Um… As I was saying let’s celebrate Michele’s life. Let her memory live on through you. We have a few people who would like to come up and start this celebration. Is there a Sharon Butler present?” the pastor asked, scanning over the crowd.
“Yes,” answered Sharon, raising her hand.
“Ok, Ms. Butler will you please come forward. Ms. Butler is going to read a poem that she composed. Ms. Butler.”
The pastor handed Sharon the microphone as she made her way to the front. She looked out at the crowd shyly. I beamed a smile her way to give her a little courage. She smiled back at me and cleared her throat and started,
“I wrote this poem for my friend Michelle. She was my best friend, and she is sorely missed. She is now in heaven where she belongs. This poem is entitled “Forever Angel.” Ahem.” Sharon said, clearing her throat again before she continued, “You are no longer here with me. But in my heart, you will always be. My love for you will never change. Even though my memories are all that remain. The times we spent together. Will last in my thoughts forever. I miss you every day. But I know you are in a better place. Your memory will never die. Even as the months and years go by. It sometimes hurts when I think of you. Because I think of all the things, we used to do. It brings tears to my eyes. And I have to question why. Did you have to leave so soon? When so many people loved you. I know it’s God's plan. But sometimes I just don’t understand. Why my heart aches so much. And I yearn for your gentle touch. You are now resting in peace. Your pain on earth has ceased. Gone but not forgotten you are. Because you will always live in my heart. Even though I wish you could’ve stayed. I would not have wanted your suffering delayed. So, go now and embark on your new journey. As you enter the gates, oh so pearly. I trust that we will meet again. So we can continue where we left off when. God called home his oh so faithful. Heaven just welcomed a forever angel.”
Sharon smiled out at the crowd as everyone applauded her performance. She walked off the stage as the pastor called for the next person to step up. Megan got up from her seat and made her way to the front. She glanced at the crowd of mourners, then she beckoned for a deacon of the church to take the DVD disk she had in her hand. He removed the disk and inserted it into a DVD player sitting on a stand. There was a wide projection screen mounted at the front of the room.
“As you all know, Michelle was Sharon’s and my best friend. We did everything together. Some things good and some things not so good.” The crowd chuckled at The statement as Megan continued. “We met when we started high school together. We always had each other’s back. No matter what any of us were going through, we always looked out for each other. We also didn’t mind telling each other when we were doing something wrong either. I will miss Michelle dearly, but I know she is in a better place. She is no longer in pain, and she no longer has to be ashamed of who she is. I want to show those of you who didn’t know Michelle exactly who she was.”
When Megan completed her statement, the lights were dimmed, and the deacon pressed play on the player. The home movie started to play. There were scenes from when Michelle was little. I had given the girls some footage of Michelle’s early days so that they could show her timeline of life. People laughed at some of the memories of Michelle and others cried at some parts of her story that was depicted on the screen. There were scenes of shopping trips and beach vacations and scenes of Michelle’s struggle of dealing with who she was. Michelle could be silly at times, so there were scenes of her clowning around also. Seeing all these beautiful memories set my water works off. The movie lasted about thirty-minutes before the lights were turned back on and everyone clapped.
“As you can see and tell so far Michelle was a lovely person. She was beautiful, vibrant and she also had her struggles.” The pastor continued talking into the microphone. “We have others who would like to share their memories of Michelle.”
For the next hour, people streamed up and down the stage sharing their encounters with my daughter. The choir sang a few hems, and a little eight-year-old girl came up to sing a solo. She sang “Amazing Grace,” and she brought the entire assembled crowd to tears. Her voice reverberated through the room with the passion of the words she sang. When the microphone was passed my way, I declined to go up and speak. I didn’t think that I could handle gazing at all those sad faces. I’m sure I would break down into uncontrollable sobs. Everyone knew that my daughter was my life, so they understood my reluctance to speak. The funeral progressed on, and it was simply beautiful. I know Michelle would’ve loved it if she could’ve seen it. It came time for us to view the body and my knees buckled as I stood. Megan and Sharon both flanked either side of me to hold me up. We made our way up and stood in front of the casket.
I peered down at Michelle’s still form, and my body quaked violently from my gut-wrenching sobs. She was so beautiful lying there. She looked like an angel in her white dress. Her hair lay framing her face. The mortician had her face made up flawlessly. I could see her magnificent diamond engagement ring sparkling on her finger. I refused to let anyone remove it. I wanted her to be buried with what she cherished the most. There was also a picture of Jason and Michelle posing together lying next to her. Pink, red and white flowers surrounded her. She was gorgeous. I slowly extended my hand and traced the outline of her cold, stiff face. A single tear dropped from my eye and landed on her cheek. It looked as if she was also crying. I bent close to her face and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.
Kissing my index and middle fingers, I touched them to Michelle’s lips as I spoke, “I love you, Michelle. No matter where you are you will always live in my heart. No one can ever tarnish the memories I have of you. You were my miracle child, and I thank you for the wonderful years you gave me. My life will never be the same without you, but I will learn to live on. Rest in peace, my angel. Until next time.”
I turned away from the casket and gave Megan and Sharon a few minutes alone with Michelle. I wiped at the tears falling from my eyes as I tried to think of happier times.