ZANDER and Lorenzo left the party and decided to seek out one of Lorenzo’s favorite Roman restaurants, La Taverna dei Fori Imperiali, a quintessentially Roman family-run bistro tucked away on a side street in Monti, Rome’s oldest neighborhood, not far from the famed Roman Forum and Coliseum. Toque-topped chef and owner Alessio greeted them each at the door with a hearty two-cheek kiss, then ushered them to a discreet table toward the back where they could have some privacy. After placing their orders, they got down to business as the waiter poured their wine.
Zander pulled the backpacker’s phone out of his pocket. He held it up with his fingertips as if it had cooties.
“You think the thing is toxic or something?” Lorenzo asked him.
“I have no idea, but with that girl, who knows what sort of booby trap might be set for whomever finds her phone?” Zander said. “I can’t imagine that one going off gently into the night with a missing mobile. At the very least, I’d expect she has some sort of remote control stun gun attached to it. Or she’s bewitched it by casting a spell on the thing.”
Lorenzo laughed. “She did seem like the type who might want to cause bodily harm to the likes of you for crossing her.”
Zander held up his hands in surrender. “All I did was stand there! I didn’t do a thing!”
“Women,” Lorenzo said, holding his wineglass up to Zander’s. “It’s why God invented alcohol.”
Zander laughed and turned the phone on. “Well, would you look at that,” he said. “Not even a password required. Who doesn’t require some modicum of security in this day and age?” He started poking around on the thing. “So what do we do—read her e-mails first, play back voice messages, or go straight to the pictures and see if there are pervy selfies in here that she sends to her boyfriend?”
“I vote for pervy selfies.”
“I second the motion. Looks like the pervs have it then,” Zander said, immediately opening up Andi’s photos and scrolling through her pictures. “She certainly gets around.” He pointed at various images. “Look at this: looks like Morocco here. I’m guessing the souks in Marrakesh. Then somewhere in Africa on this one, judging by the elephant. Oh look, there’s a baby cheetah. Cute thing. Some blood-covered lions enjoying their zebra supper. I hope this girl’s got her pictures backed up or she’s lost a lifetime of memories. Though damn, so far not one naked shot of her. Shame, that. I was all about catching a glimpse of that full ass of hers or those perky little—”
Lorenzo grabbed the phone, rapidly scrolling past her holiday pictures till he stopped at one. “Holy mother of God,” he said, tapping to enlarge it. He looked at the image, then at Zander, then at the image, then at Zander again. “Well, well, well. We’ve finally got confirmation now, my friend.” He held the image up to Zander.
Zander stared at himself staring back at him from Andi’s phone, one fist around the neck of a Vintage 2004 Veuve Clicquot, the other clutching a bottle of Patrón tequila, and an arm draped over the shoulder of a breathlessly beautiful—and extremely naked—young woman with a perfect set of breasts. “How did I not hang on to those for future reference?” he asked, shaking his head. “I should have at least had a plaster cast made of them so I could remember their feel forever.” His eyes wandered downward, and he pointed. “Well, Lorenzo, there’s your answer. That’s one rockin’ boner, if I do say so myself.”
Lorenzo enlarged the image even more. All in the name of fact-checking. Just in time for a waitress to refill their waters, with Zander’s huge—albeit slightly blurry—erection staring up at her. Lorenzo quickly covered it with his hand. “I must admit, I’ve got a little of the green-eyed monster.” He laughed.
“Better than the one-eyed monster,” Zander said, slapping his leg at his own wit. “Not too bad a joke, eh?”
“Well, don’t let it get to your head,” Lorenzo said. “Besides, it’s all in how you use what you’ve got.”
“Speaking of head, that’s what little guys always say,” Zander said in a high-pitched voice, pinching his thumb and pointer finger close together as a size indicator and holding it to his friend’s face.
To which Lorenzo simply flicked the backside of his fingers against his chin in a classic Italian hand gesture. “Ma ne frego. I couldn’t care less. Now let’s be real here: we’ve got to figure out the bigger question,” Lorenzo said, looking up at Zander. “How in hell does she have this picture of you on her phone?”
“More important, let’s delete the thing,” Zander said, trying to grab the phone from his friend. “But first, I want to text a copy to my phone.”
“No!” he said. “You can’t do that! This is her private phone. Do you want her thinking you’ve been snooping through it?”
“But I have been snooping through it.”
“But she doesn’t need to know that.”
Zander shrugged. “But that’s me. Starkers. Stiff as a flagpole. It’s my badge of honor.” He said as he punched in his number, then forwarded the image to his private phone.
“I’m impressed you could maintain that with all the alcohol you must’ve been drinking,” Lorenzo said. “Nevertheless, consider leaving this picture on her phone your penance for your bad behavior.”
“I suppose it would be a public service to the poor lonely woman,” Zander said. “I’ll leave it to her, a piece of me she can keep with her to warm her up on those cold nights. A little Zander fantasy, if you will.”
“Your ego really needs to be checked sometimes.”
“Calling it like I see it, mate,” he said, buffing his nails against his chest. “After all, she does have my naked boner picture on her phone. And it’s been a damned year since that happened. I don’t see a picture of your johnson on her phone.”
“That’s because I’m not stupid enough to get naked in a Vegas pool.”
“You say stupid, I say adventurous.”
Lorenzo just shook his head in dismay.
The men hunted around on the phone a bit, trying to figure out more about her.
“She exchanged text messages with some bloke named Rafaele,” Zander said. “Doesn’t sound like a boyfriend. Just sounds like she’s staying at his place.”
“Give me that thing,” his friend said. A few minutes later, he pulled up a text. “This one seems to be her mother. Why don’t we send her a message?”
Zander grabbed the phone back. “Aww, her mum. Think her mum knows she’s toting naked Zander in her phone?” He gave a wink. “Let’s send her a message.”
“And the girl’s name appears to be Andi.”
“Andy, like the boy?”
“No, with an i,” Lorenzo said. “So that she could dot it with a heart, no doubt. Girls love to do that.”
“You mean like a porn star?” Zander laughed at his dumb joke. “Makes no difference, because trust me, that one is lacking heart. If she’s even got a hand-drawn one above her name, she might want to shove it into her chest... Andi, eh? Well, good on that. Andi it is. Now let me make her mother swoon.”
Dear Mum, he typed. Having a fun time. Wish you were here.
Lorenzo rolled his eyes. “Be serious. The goal here is to find the girl and give her back her phone.”
“Okay, okay,” Zander said.
Hello, miss, he typed, saying out loud: You don’t know me, but my name is Alexander. Zander for short. Your daughter fell in the train station—
“Don’t tell her that her daughter fell,” Lorenzo said. “She’ll go mad with worry.”
“Fine,” Zander said. “How’s this:
Not to worry, your daughter is fine but took a little spill in the train station and lost her phone. By the time we found it, she was gone. Trying to reach her, but to tell you the truth, she’s can be a mean one, that girl. Does she have man issues perhaps?”
“Jesus, sometimes I wonder about you,” Lorenzo said.
“Joking, my friend.”
Lorenzo reclaimed the cell phone and typed a neutral message.
...So please if you wouldn’t mind having her reach out to me.
“Who should she contact?” Lorenzo said. “If she’s going to be in Rome, it would make sense for it to be me. But if she’s going somewhere else, maybe it should be you. But then again, you haven’t done such a good job impressing this woman despite your, er, girth, so maybe we should stick with me since I’m a neutral third party.”
“No way,” Zander said, shaking his head. “This one’s all mine. She’s got me too intrigued. I want to hear what she has to say. Plus I want to know how she got my picture. She and I have some unfinished business.”
“Like I was saying, perhaps it’s best to have a neutral third party.”
“I can promise you never once have I had fun at a neutral third party.” Zander winked.
“I thought you never met a party you didn’t enjoy,” Lorenzo said as the waiter delivered the antipasti. “And in which you didn’t find your pickup del giorno.”
“You must think I’m some sort of reckless party boy.”
Lorenzo laughed out loud. “Think? I know it for a fact.”
“But seriously, Lorenzo, I’ve got this one. I’m too curious to let you have at it with her. We have to finish what we started. I mean what she started. Or maybe what I started when I ended up naked in her phone.”
With that he typed in his number and hit Send.