T hese days I doubt there’s anybody who questions the fact that the body and mind are inextricably linked when it comes to health and health issues. In this chapter I talk about the principles behind this thinking. I also talk about the power of the mind to make or break us, how a reader can recognize mental health issues, and what a reader can do about them.
I mentioned earlier that diseases of the body can (and often do) show up with psychological symptoms.
Here’s an example. There was a brilliant, visionary surgeon and teacher at Yale University named Dr. Bernie Siegel. He taught his cancer patients to pray and to visualize while also getting traditional medical treatment. His success rate with cancer was very good. (If you want to read something amazing, try his 1984 book Love, Medicine & Miracles. This is another work that’ll stand the test of time.)
In this chapter I share with you what I’ve learned so far about the mind-body connection. I have read for many psychologists, psychotherapists, and psychiatrists over the years, and I’m told that I’m right on target in this aspect of my tarot practice.
And you can be too.
To me this connection is clearly evidenced when I consider the case of Lance Armstrong. I can only imagine what went through his mind when he was told he had cancer and only weeks to live.
Lance Armstrong is a long-distance cyclist. To me this requires grit, toughness of mind and body, and serious determination. This is a guy who’d have to be focused and physical, with serious stamina and endurance. I can just imagine him thinking at hearing the terrible news: no way this is happening to me! And really, there’s no doubt in my mind that between his traditional cancer treatment and his attitude, this guy was able to erase cancer from his body.
Meanwhile, Western medicine has gotten so hung up on the tree that too many doctors ignore the roots! Until very recently, most doctors weren’t even interested in what their patients were eating. (And, you know, we really are what we eat.)
Now, thank goodness, enlightenment is upon us. We’re finally getting the message that our brains and our bodies are not on different planets. Many doctors are now telling us that attitude can make or break a recovery. That people who are depressed a lot are sick a lot. That people who don’t care about eating right aren’t the healthiest specimens on the block.
So this chapter is about what makes us tick. And about this I say that the only way to get over most serious psychological problems is to go to psychotherapy: to go to somebody trained to (1) ask the right questions and (2) not let you play games with yourself while avoiding the real (painful) issues.
What happens, for example, if a person suffering from alcoholism stops drinking but never tries to understand and heal the old pain he or she has been trying to anesthetize with shots and beers? Well, what happens is that this person never really feels anything. So, for example, somebody may stop using a substance but may never stop using people. I myself used to be that crutch in my personal life—a lot—until I went to therapy and learned why I was making that choice. And so I learned how not to be that used woman anymore.
The I Ching Says Solve a Problem at the Beginning
Psychotherapy helps us get past the past so we can live the lives we dream of. If I’m seriously overweight, in this American culture that is based so much on looks, is the man of my dreams going to give me a second look? Maybe not. Most guys aren’t usually looking to see who’s beautiful on the inside, at least not at first. I think guys are simply hard-wired to look first for the butterfly, not the caterpillar. And if I’m in great shape but spend eighteen hours a day working, seven days a week, when am I going to have time for the relationship I say I want? And if I spend most of my free time drinking or drunk, am I going to appeal to somebody who’s healthy? No. No. And no.
So what I’ve observed in my practice as well as in life is that the men who actually want needy, desperate women are the men who don’t know how to love and don’t care to learn (and vice versa). They use, they discard, they move on. They’re the guys (usually) who’ll sleep with you and say whatever it takes to get laid, then you never hear from them again. And the women who actually want weak guys? They’re the women who play mind and sex games to manipulate and control needy men. Both genders will take your hearts, both will take your trust, and many times both will take your money.
At one time or another, all of these types of people have found their way to my table.
So what a good reader needs to do when it comes to mental health issues is first to try and identify the problem, then name the cause, then suggest what can be done to fix things.
See, what I’ve discovered is that most of us know exactly what our problem is, and why it got started, and when. But most of us just don’t have the courage right away to face the sad facts of our lives. So we go on, day after day, unhappy, not satisfied, allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of, settling about everything that really matters. Because of this, if we weren’t angry already, we sure can become so.
This is amazing: I remember the exact moment I lit my first cigarette. I was angry at my mother. This’ll show her! God knows how much damage I did to myself over too many years after that, smoking away like my life didn’t depend on it.
Sometimes things can get so bad that I’ve seen people choose death over living any longer in a pain they can’t name. So they get sick, finally, utterly unaware of it, because they want to. They just can’t get away from hurting any other way. This is not just my opinion. I’ve seen it in cards and have read it in professional literature. Most times I see it when a woman is in a lifelong hell of a marriage. Finally, her spirit is broken and she “chooses” to get sick and die to get away from it all because she sees no other option.
This is how strong the mind is. And how unconscious some of our most important decisions can be. There are people out there who will disagree. There are professionals who will agree, at least in theory. All I can say is that this desire to get sick and die is not conscious, and I’ve seen it several times in readings.
Well, then, as a reader, if I can see this kind of despair coming, I can warn a client to find the courage to face his or her life, face the sadness and the pain, and be honest about who caused it. And because I can usually see what’s coming down the road, I can then encourage my clients by telling them how things will be—if only they choose to find real help.
Who Wants a Reading?
Many times, the people who come to me are looking for some kind of magic. I’m sure they don’t think of it that way, but—let’s face it—if you’re not willing to look really hard at what’s wrong with your life, and if you prefer to trust a stranger with a bunch of picture cards to set you on the right path, then maybe you’re just looking for magic. Shake the eight ball and all your problems are solved.
So what is one of the first things I try to do with clients when I see there is some emotional problem? I tell them there is no magic. I tell them that I’m not the answer to their problems. I tell them there is no answer outside of them. I tell them that the only way to arrive at last at any semblance of a peaceful, fulfilling life is to do the emotional housecleaning within that needs to be done.
See, this has happened more than once: somebody comes to me, and I see a lot of things, and I tell the client that he or she needs to do something to change these things. Well, if nothing is done and nothing gets changed, the next time that client comes to see me, the same cards will show up. When I discovered this, I learned so much. I learned that we just can’t hide from ourselves, no matter how hard and how long we try.
You know, I read a Dear Abby column once in which a woman was upset. She wrote something like this: “All I want is to be married and have a family, and it seems that all I end up with is married men.” Gee, I wonder how that happens. If this woman were at my table, I’d be showing her that she’s choosing all those married guys, and I’d be telling her why, because I can see it, and I’d be suggesting counseling to get it all cleaned up.
It hurts not to be happy. It hurts worse to be in pain.
So my own reading style and content are designed to do two things: (1) inspire my clients to believe change is possible, and (2) guide them to a path toward that change and healing. What does this mean?
Well, for example, a person suffering from alcoholism needs both AA and psychotherapy to fully overcome the problem. The child of such a person needs both Al-Anon and psychotherapy. And so forth.
Addiction
That brings me, in turn, to a sad statistic: In thirty-five years, I’ve done maybe 25,000 readings for thousands of people, and I estimate that at least a third of these people are either addicted to something or come from families in which addiction runs strong. (I read the other day that 25 to 50 percent of Americans are seriously overweight. This issue is so pervasive that a former mayor of my city, New York, was trying to legislate good diets. We’re a nation of crutch-seekers because we’re a nation of people who are hurting.)
Some of my clients drink too much. Some eat too much. Some spend too much. Some gamble too much. Some are addicted to sex. Many are addicted to people who don’t love them. And many times it’s some combination of these. One of my clients once referred to a hateful lover as a “fix.” Well, that’s drug-use language, pure and simple. And I read recently about a woman who plays video poker in Atlantic City eighteen hours a day because, as she said of the machine, “It doesn’t give me any problems.” Well, this is anesthesia. Right?
Some of my clients work way too much. Working sixty hours or more a week is tough, but it does manage to distract us from that pain I’m talking about. The problem is it also insulates us emotionally from those who are trying to love us.
Another problem is that much addictive behavior goes unnoticed. A guy is praised for working eighty-hour weeks, but ask his wife and kids about the quality of their lives. Then there is the compulsive spender (and maybe hoarder). Big-time consumer and a credit card company’s dream, right? Billions of dollars are spent on ad campaigns to get people to buy more. Casinos promise pie in the sky. Drug companies dispense millions of opioid doses without a second thought.
People who work with addicts tell me that addiction “masks the pain.” But I say that, first, addiction anesthetizes the addict. If you can’t feel, you can’t be hurt. And whatever it takes to get to that place of non-feeling will win in the end.
Addiction and Tarot
I’m writing a lot here about this subject because I’ve noticed that addicts try to come for readings more often and more obsessively than other people. These are the clients who want me to make all their major decisions for them, the magical-thinking magic seekers. And I have to teach them that there’s no way I will be their next fix.
See, your job as a reader is not to see the client every day or week or month and take the money and run. Your job is to help that client not to need to see you ever again. You don’t want them to end up like my client who found a storefront fortuneteller instead of going for real help. She was nearly forever emotionally crippled by the experience.
So our job as readers is to see the problem and then identify the source in the past where it all started.
But there’s a problem here: Psychotherapy isn’t held in great regard by certain groups. Cops and politicians come to mind. God forbid somebody should admit to a “weakness.” Also, people tend not to notice garden-variety emotional problems, like this one: “My mom didn’t love me the way I needed when I was little, and now I ‘never seem’ to find love.” Maybe someday there will be a Lifetime movie about this quiet little devastation everywhere around us. People unhappy everywhere. People hurting themselves in socially acceptable ways everywhere. No wonder there are so many therapists in the phone book.
Notlove (One Word)
There’s been a lot of talk in the past maybe twenty years about “low self-
esteem.” Well, I can tell you exactly what this is.
It’s the inability to love or be loved: it’s the lack of self-love. If you didn’t get what you needed emotionally as a little kid, from the person you looked to for it, there’s no way you’re going to be able to give it to yourself when you’re thirty-three. It’s that simple. Esteem is another word for “high regard.” Nobody esteems things of no value. So if you don’t have self-esteem, you don’t feel you have any value. So this can’t be about esteem anymore!
What it’s about is not having been loved, because that is how we come to feel not valuable as people, and totally not lovable or worthy.
I saw a client once, a young woman whose father had sexually assaulted her when she was six. Well, this is what I saw in her cards: Not only did the man do this to her, but she didn’t feel as if she could tell her mother about it.
And that is what damaged her totally. She hadn’t been able to trust the only person she could have turned to. And I could see that mother in the reading. My client was right not to trust her.
When I told her all of this, she started to cry. What a relief to finally have it all out there in the open at last. The shame. The pain. The guilt. The beginnings of anger.
And this is why I say that a reader has to come from the heart, from a place of compassion and empathy. People come to us with issues far beyond our ability to fix them. But that doesn’t mean we can’t care, and it doesn’t mean we still can’t be of great service.
What I see as my biggest job is to inspire my clients to care about themselves.
Sometimes I fail.
And I can’t tell you how many clients “can’t remember” their childhoods. In fact, it’s pretty much like arithmetic to me now. If you can’t remember your childhood, it probably hurt too much to be there. It’s that simple. But all that unremembered stuff is in there just the same, waiting to get out. One critical, tough backhand by life as an adult and we crumble.
A Little Story
Some years ago a woman named Caroline called me from Indiana. She’d been referred to me by another client.
It turns out that Caroline had been the victim of physical abuse all her life, from the time she was three years old. By the time she called me, she was at the end of her rope, miserable and physically ill.
But by the end of the first reading, an hour later, for the first time in her life Caroline finally understood her victimization. And she realized that she had the power to change things.
So she took herself to therapy, as we’d discussed.
For two years after that I’d hear from her now and then, progress reports. Then one amazing day came a note: Not only was she still in therapy, but now she was writing children’s books—her life’s dream. She was no longer physically ill. And, most important, she had persuaded her twenty-five-year-old daughter to go to therapy too. Caroline wrote that she’d told her daughter she’d been a bad mother to her. She said to her kid, “Now I’m working on loving my inner child. You go to therapy so you can too.” It makes me cry to write this, it’s so beautiful.
And that is what a competent, caring reader can do. If we’re lucky.
The Law of Attraction
Readers who set out to be healers tend to attract people in trouble. So the only way you’re going to be able to even start to recognize their problems is to know a little bit about how psychology works: Where pain comes from. What it means when somebody has a long list of bad relationships. What denial is. What repression is. Actually, it’s all pretty simple once you get past the big words.
Over the years I’ve discovered that most of the psychological issues I see appear in the form of Minor Arcana cards. A pattern of bad relationships? The Five of Swords. Denial? The Eight of Cups. Repression? The Page of Rods/Wands reversed. Frustration and/or anger? The Five of Swords reversed. The willingness to settle? The King and/or Queen of Cups reversed. Needing therapy? The Page of Cups reversed. Insecure? The Ten of Pentacles reversed. Codependent? The Knight of Pentacles reversed and/or the Four of Pentacles.
All of these can be psychological markers, the cards that can point you to what’s really going on when your client either doesn’t know or doesn’t want to say. (And if my students and I are able to master this stuff with no background in psychology, most of you probably can too. I mean, it’s just life, right?)
Now, many times a physical illness will show up in a reading alongside the psychological markers, which tells me that a holistic approach is needed. If you fix the physical symptom but not the underlying psychological cause, the problem will be back. I first noticed this connection a long time ago with fibromyalgia, and I’ve seen it many times since with multiple sclerosis and breast cancer.
This is fascinating: As I was revising this manuscript, for the second time I came across the same issue of Oprah Winfrey’s O Magazine. The same issue: first in a doctor’s office, then in the waiting room of my car mechanic, of all places. But you see, in this issue was an amazing story. A quite physically active woman had experienced a serious knee injury that had kept her basically unable to live her regular life for five years, I think it was. Finally, she couldn’t stand it anymore. Nothing else had worked, so she asked her knee what it wanted. The answer that came to her was run!
The woman didn’t hesitate. She went outside and figured, what the heck—and she ran several miles. From that moment on, it turns out, her knee was just fine.
I figure I’m supposed to tell you that story. I mean, who finds O Magazine in the waiting room of a car mechanic, never mind the very same issue months earlier in a doctor’s waiting room? I confess, until then I’d not been familiar with this magazine. But I now think O might be a fantastic source of encouragement, inspiration, and practical how-to.
In the next chapter I share with you the cards and card combinations that can tell you who is hurting psychologically, from what, and why.
Finally, I’ve developed a broad definition of self-destructive behavior that’s really simple: If we’re doing something, anything, that takes us in the opposite direction from where we say we want to go, we’re being self-destructive. This may seem an extreme attitude, but it’s what I’ve learned from my clients over the years. As the saying goes, you can take this to the bank.
Think about it: The woman who wants a husband and family but only dates married men. The guy who desperately needs a job and manages to oversleep and miss a crucial interview. The person who leaves school one credit short of graduating.
Sure, something’s wrong here. It all says: This is how I can hurt myself. I choose it.
Well, a good reader can be aware of this and see the clues everywhere in a reading when it comes to the self-destructive person—and can help accordingly.