It was near dawn when Sister Esther rushed into the sickroom. Her cap was missing and strands of her dark hair had escaped the bun at the back of her neck and swirled in disarray about her face. When Gabrielle went to meet her, Sister Esther grabbed her arms and gripped them tightly. “Where is she? Where is my child?”
“She is here,” Gabrielle answered softly. Sister Mercy had gone back to watch over the other children. The doctor was lying down in the next room after instructing them to call him if there was any change in Becca, and Sister Helen had dozed off in her chair on the other side of the bed as the night watch had stretched out. Sister Esther’s entrance into the room didn’t disturb her slumber.
Becca had been drifting in and out of sleep. At first she had seemed to know Gabrielle, but the last time she had opened her eyes there’d been no awareness at all. “She is sleeping,” Gabrielle told Sister Esther.
Sister Esther dropped to her knees beside the bed. She ran her hands lightly over Becca’s face and down her arms as if she needed to memorize the feel of her. She gently held Becca’s hands as she looked at her and said, “She’s so hot.”
“Yea, but she’s cooler than she was.”
Sister Esther laid her head softly on Becca’s chest. “Her heart is pounding so hard I can feel it against my cheek.”
Gabrielle could only say, “She’s very sick, Sister Esther.”
“She’s not so sick that she won’t get better, is she?” The woman raised her head to look at Gabrielle.
She needed words of reassurance, but Gabrielle had none to give her. The knowing was still strong in Gabrielle’s mind, and she saw no purpose in making meaningless promises. “I don’t know, Sister. Perhaps now that you are here, it will give Becca the strength to fight off the fever.”
Anguish filled Sister Esther’s eyes. She shot a look over at Sister Helen who was sleeping so soundly she was snoring a bit. “You don’t know what it’s been like these last few weeks. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried to live the Believers’ life. But I love Becca so much, and I know she needs me. You know that’s true.”
“I’ve been praying for your return to the village. Becca has been very sad since you’ve been gone.” Gabrielle kept her voice soft, not much more than a whisper.
“You could never understand what I’ve been through, Sister Gabrielle. Not unless you had a child of your own.”
“I love the children under my care.”
“I know you do, and I have thanked the Lord every day that you were here with Becca. I’ve seen your concern, your caring, but you’ve only borrowed these children. It’s different when you’ve borne them and suckled them.” Sister Esther’s eyes went to Becca’s face. “Becca was our miracle child. We’d already lost three babies, and when she was born she was so tiny I lived in fear we’d lose her too. We prayed then and promised we’d do whatever God wanted us to if he would only let her live.”
Sister Esther was quiet for a moment before she went on. “That’s why I couldn’t refuse to join with the Believers when Jason said it was God’s will for our lives. I’d made a promise to God, just as Hannah in the Bible made a promise and had to surrender Samuel to Eli, the priest. I often think of her and how she could only go see her son once a year. How hard that must have been even though the Lord blessed her with more children. But I could not be like Hannah. Here among the Believers there is no chance for more children for me.”
Gabrielle put her hand on Sister Esther’s shoulder.
Sister Esther kept her eyes on Becca. “And perhaps I could not be like Hannah in another way as well. We weren’t here three days until I knew I wouldn’t be able to uphold my part of the covenant we made with God. I couldn’t give up Becca. Not my miracle baby. But I had no money, no place to go away with her. So what choice did I have except to do what they said, Sister Gabrielle, and pray the Lord would show me a way to keep living?”
“I don’t know,” Gabrielle said.
Sister Esther gently stroked Becca’s cheek. “I know what I’m going to do now. As soon as Becca is better, we’re going to leave this place. We’ll make our way somehow even if Jason stays. Do you think that is wrong?”
“I could not find it in my heart to condemn you, Sister Esther,” Gabrielle said with a quick look over at Sister Helen to be sure she was not overhearing their talk. Gabrielle sent up a little prayer of thanksgiving that Sister Helen was such a sound sleeper. “But first we must help Becca fight off the fever. She told me you used to sing to her when she was sick. It might help if you did so now.”
As Sister Esther began a soft lullaby, Dr. Adams came into the room to check on the child. He looked at Gabrielle and said, “You have to admit she’s better.”
Gabrielle met his eyes boldly. “She is very weak.”
“I may not have bled her enough. A blister might help.”
“It would help if you’d go away and leave the child alone,” Gabrielle said.
The doctor frowned. “You should be silent about things you have no knowledge of.”
Sister Esther looked from the doctor to Gabrielle, but she kept singing.
Becca stirred in her sleep and her eyes flickered open. For a moment, Gabrielle wasn’t sure she was seeing her mother there by the bed, but then Becca smiled and said, “’Brielle. ’Brielle!”
“Yes, little one,” Gabrielle answered.
“I see Mama.” Becca’s voice was excited.
“Of course you do, dear. I told you she’d be here before morning.”
But Becca didn’t act as if she heard Gabrielle’s words. “She’s come for me like I knew she would. I’m not afraid anymore. Mama’s holding my hand.”
“Yes, dear, she is holding your hand. She’s right here beside your bed. Reach over and touch her face.” Fear rose inside Gabrielle as she realized what the child meant. Gabrielle grabbed Sister Esther’s shoulder. “Talk to her, Sister Esther. Tell her you’re here with her.”
“Becca, Mama’s here, sweetheart. I won’t leave you until you are well, and then we’ll go somewhere so we can be together all the time.”
Becca smiled. “I know. It’s pretty here, Mama, isn’t it? Everything’s so bright, and I feel like I’m floating. Look, Mama, that must be an angel!”
“Becca!” Sister Esther cried.
Becca’s eyes clouded for a moment, but then she was smiling again. “Hold my hand tighter, Mama. Don’t let go. I knew you’d come for me.”
The spirit left Becca quietly. Her earthly body made no attempt to cling to the breath of life. Sister Esther stared at her child for a long moment in disbelief. Then as if she was sure Gabrielle could somehow make it not so, she looked up at her. Tears wet Gabrielle’s cheeks as she shook her head.
“No!” Sister Esther screamed. She grabbed Becca’s limp body up close to her chest. “You can’t die, Becca! No!”
Sister Helen had awakened and she stepped up behind Sister Esther to put her hands on her shoulders. “The child is gone from us to a better place, Sister. Come, let her lie in peace.” She began to ease Sister Esther’s arms away from the child’s body and pull her away from the bed. Sister Helen looked at Gabrielle and said, “Help me comfort our sister, Sister Gabrielle.”
But Gabrielle couldn’t take her eyes from the doctor as he listened for Becca’s heartbeat. Slowly he pulled the cover up over the child’s face that still carried the trace of a smile. Gabrielle had fought the vision, but it had done little good. Her request had brought the doctor there and now Becca was dead.
Dr. Adams wouldn’t look at Gabrielle as he gathered his instruments. He snapped his bag closed. “If you’d called me earlier, I might have been able to save her. There wasn’t time to let all the poison out of her.”
“The child lies dead. Her fate has passed out of our hands.” Gabrielle’s own words seemed to tear a hole in her heart.
When he was gone, Gabrielle pulled back the cover and looked down on the child. Dear Becca. Would she be happy in heaven without her mother? Softly she kissed her forehead before she pulled the cover back over the little girl’s face. There was nothing more she could do for her. She turned to see how she might comfort her mother.
Later she and Sister Esther prepared Becca for her burial. Sister Esther had insisted, saying, “It’s a mother’s duty. I got off my birthing bed and wrapped my other babies in strips of my wedding dress. I can do no less for Becca.”
They washed her gently and carefully as though she might yet feel their touch. Outside the house, they could hear the brethren hammering as they prepared Becca’s coffin. But Gabrielle wouldn’t think about them putting the child in the ground. Not yet. Now she would concentrate on helping Sister Esther. After they had dressed Becca, Sister Esther turned away from Gabrielle and reached up under her dress.
“I’m glad Sister Mercy left us alone. She wouldn’t understand, but I think you will, Sister Gabrielle.” Sister Esther held out a small rag doll. “I kept this for Becca when we came. She always loved her dolls, but of course she had to give them up when we came together with the Shakers since the Society doesn’t allow such toys. So I made her this special tiny doll and hid it in the hem of my dress for her to play with when I came to see her.” Carefully she tucked the doll down inside Becca’s dress next to her heart.
Tears filled her eyes when she looked around at Gabrielle. “Do you think the Lord took her because I said I was going to leave the Believers? Because I planned to break my covenant with him?”
“Nay,” Gabrielle said gently. “Becca was very sick. Fevers take many children from their mothers.”
Sister Esther looked back at Becca and softly caressed her cool cheek. “What did she mean when she said I had come to get her and that she wasn’t afraid anymore?”
Gabrielle hesitated. The truth would only add to Sister Esther’s pain.
When Gabrielle stayed silent, Sister Esther said, “Nothing you can say can make me hurt more than I’m already hurting, Sister Gabrielle. And I must know.”
Gabrielle couldn’t deny her the truth. “Becca got lost in the woods a few weeks ago. She’d never gotten used to you not being with her, and when a week passed without you coming to see her, I suppose she decided to go looking for you. I went after her and found her unharmed.” She didn’t say where. There was no need, and Gabrielle didn’t want to think about Dr. Scott. Not now while she was so sure he could have helped Becca live.
“Poor dear. She’d have never made it to the mill even if she had guessed the right direction to go. It is too far.”
“Yea, you are right. When I brought her back to put her to bed, she was asleep. I don’t know. Maybe she had a dream. Anyway, she woke up while I was putting her nightdress over her head. She asked me about going to heaven, what you had to do to go there. She was sure you had died and gone to heaven already, Sister Esther, and that was why you hadn’t come to see her.”
Sister Esther kept her eyes on the child as she said, “And what did you tell her, Sister Gabrielle?”
“I told her where you were. At the mill house and that you’d be back soon. I told her the same thing many times after that as well, but I was never sure she heard my words.”
“She wanted to die, didn’t she, Sister Gabrielle?”
“She was too young to want to die.”
“What does age matter? She thought I was dead, and so she died to be with me.” Sister Esther’s voice was barely above a whisper.
“Nay, Sister Esther. She died because she had a fever. We cannot wish ourselves dead any more than we can wish our loved ones back to life once their spirits leave their bodies.”
But Sister Esther didn’t seem to hear Gabrielle’s words any more than Becca had. The silence was heavy in the room before Sister Esther said, “If I had taken her away, she would still be alive.”
“You can’t know that. There are fevers in the world as well.” “But I can know it, Sister Gabrielle.” Sister Esther kept her eyes on Becca’s face. “I know it in my heart.”
When at last she stood up, Sister Esther seemed smaller than when she’d first come into the room before dawn. It was as if she’d shrunk into herself. “I have to put on a clean dress before the funeral. You will stay with her, won’t you, Sister Gabrielle, until I return? I wouldn’t want her to be alone.”
“I won’t leave until you return,” Gabrielle promised.
The room was very quiet after she left. And empty. Gabrielle looked at Becca’s small body laid out on the bed. There was none of Becca left there. She had gone on. Gabrielle wished she could be sure the little girl was happy in heaven. Suddenly she remembered the vision she’d had as a child of her baby brother in heaven. At the time Gabrielle hadn’t understood why her mother had been so upset when she had told her about the vision. Her little brother had been happy. But now she knew. A mother could not surrender a child to heaven so easily.
Sister Mercy came into the room. “Where is Sister Esther?”
“She went to change into a clean dress.”
“Good. The brethren are almost ready.” Sister Mercy stood over Becca’s body. “She was always so tiny. It seems a shame that our sins are put on those so small.”
“What do you mean?” Gabrielle asked.
“I have heard Sister Esther speak of the babies she lost, and now this one.” Sister Mercy shook her head. “The Eternal Father has ways of punishing us for our sins. Sister Esther never surrendered herself to the humble life as she was meant to.”
“You think the Eternal Father punished her by letting her children die?”
“We cannot know the Father’s ways, but Mother Ann also lost four children. The Lord revealed to her that the death of those children was his way of telling her the life she was living was wrong. That marriage is a sin and that she must forsake that sinful union and devote all her energy and every thought to worshiping God.”
Gabrielle knew Mother Ann’s story, as did every Believer. Before it had seemed right. Mother Ann’s babies had died because she had been chosen by the Eternal Father to reveal a better way for his people to live, but Gabrielle couldn’t accept the same thinking when it came to Becca. “Many others commit matrimony and their children live,” she said now.
Sister Mercy looked at her. “It is not for us to question the ways of our Eternal Father, child.”
Gabrielle wanted to ask her if she’d never had questions, but she didn’t dare. Perhaps Sister Mercy’s faith was too strong to have ever entertained doubts.
Sister Mercy seemed to guess what Gabrielle was thinking. The older sister came to her and touched her cheek. “Your faith is being tested now, my child. It is often thus when one we care for dies. When I first became a Believer, there were times when my worldly past bothered me with those things I had tried to cast away from me. You must do as I did. Pray to Mother Ann to help you. She will send you love and faith enough to carry you through any sort of tribulation.”
Gabrielle bowed her head. “Yea, Sister Mercy. I’ll pray for such love and faith.”
Sister Mercy kissed the top of Gabrielle’s head. “Just as the young sister was very dear to you, so you are to me, Sister Gabrielle. It won’t be long before you will be of age to be welcomed into the circle of true Believers with the Center Family. I know you’ll be ready to serve as Mother Ann wants you to.”
“Yea, Sister Mercy. I pray so.” But even as she spoke the words, Dr. Scott was before her and she couldn’t shut away his image.
Sister Esther slipped into the room just as the meetinghouse bell began to toll. Sister Helen followed her in and said, “It is time. The brethren have brought the box.”
Carefully they placed Becca’s body in the coffin. Then several of the young sisters carried the coffin out to the graveyard where the other Believers had already gathered. Gabrielle stayed by Sister Esther’s side. When Elder Caleb finished reading from the scriptures, his eyes sought out Gabrielle to begin the funeral song.
Gabrielle swallowed hard and pushed out the words. “Our sister is gone. She is no more.”
The others joined in, and they made their slow way through the funeral song. Gabrielle had led the song before when one of their number had passed on to paradise, but never had she felt the words pulled out of her so painfully.
“We now hear the solemn call. Be prepared both great and small.” Her voice almost faded away, and she couldn’t come back as strongly as she usually did for the last line. “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?” But she sang every word.
Esther didn’t sing. Nor did she shed any tears even when the brethren began to nail down the coffin top. She watched them intently as if to make sure it was done properly.
Gabrielle was standing so close beside Sister Esther that she felt the tremor pass through her as the brethren lowered Becca’s coffin down into the ground. She put her arm around Sister Esther’s waist, but the woman didn’t appear to notice.
Elder Caleb picked up the first handful of dirt and let it fall on the box. “From dust we came. To dust we will return.”
Slowly, one by one, the brethren and sisters filed past the small grave, dropping in handfuls of dirt. Brother Jason stared down at the small coffin a bit longer than the others before he dropped his handful of dirt. Then he looked over at Sister Esther, but she kept her eyes fastened on the open grave with no notice of him there. He turned and followed his brethren away from the graveyard.
When they were the only ones left, Gabrielle spoke softly into Sister Esther’s ear. “It’s time to leave.”
Sister Esther shook her head the barest bit. “Nay, I will stay until it’s finished.”
So they watched as the two brothers shoveled in the remaining dirt. When at last they had it smoothed over and picked up their shovels to leave, Gabrielle felt a kind of relief. At last it was over.
Sister Esther made no move to leave.
After a moment, Gabrielle said, “She is not here, you know. You heard her, Sister Esther. She said she was with the angels.”
It was a long time before Sister Esther spoke. Then her voice was flat and empty. “Yea, you are right, Sister Gabrielle. Becca is not there in that cold grave. I am. I feel as if every clod of dirt fell on my face. They didn’t bury Becca. They buried me.”