Seeing Bradford, seeing him like this, hurt, and Munroe hated that she hurt. He leaned forward and, his voice hoarse, full of disbelief and abandoned hope, said, “Thank you for coming.”
She matched the smile. “It’s a pretty pickle you’re in.”
Bradford sighed and she could read in his exhaustion the desperation that came from having been cut off from real life with no way to communicate, no way to know if anyone knew where to find him or if they’d even try, and the caution of knowing that anything they said here would be interpreted, possibly reworded, and used against him.
They sat quietly for a long while, as if neither of them really knew where to start. “I didn’t,” he said finally.
“I know,” she said.
Bradford rubbed a hand over his eyes and then dragged his palm across several days’ worth of stubble. “How bad is it?” he said.
“You need a really good lawyer.”
Lips pressed together, he glanced off to the side.
“I’ve already called the local U.S. consulate,” she said, “as well as the embassy in Tokyo. I’ll contact your office once I get out of here today—I didn’t want to call them until I had something worth saying. I know someone who used to work with the David House Agency and I’ve put out some lines to see if this is something that meets their criteria.” She paused. “If you’ve got any strings worth pulling, they’d certainly be useful now.”
“Whatever strings I have, the office will know how to utilize,” he said. “What’s the David thing?”
“International crisis resource organization. They take on cases where geopolitics and corruption make getting justice a difficult thing. At the least they might be able to make sure you don’t get screwed over by your local lawyer—whenever you get one.”
Bradford stared at the ceiling and the silence ticked on, and then he searched her face in the way of a starving man looking through to the diners in a restaurant window. “Is it fixable?” he said.
“You lied to me,” she mouthed. And then, voice barely loud enough to carry through the drilled holes, “You shut me out when I desperately needed the work and then used me anyway. You knew I’d go looking,” she said. “That’s what burns me most of all, you and your Easter eggs after the fact when I was there all along. I begged you, Miles, every fucking day, going crazy with boredom while trying to play happy and domestic.”
Bradford’s eyes closed in a long, slow blink. She wanted him to argue, to contradict, to tell her she was wrong and give her a reason to fight with him and lash out, but he only offered silence. “I waited out these months for you,” she said, “for us—for love—out of hope of what better things could be. You knew what it meant, and in return you gave me lies and stole what I would have given you freely.”
Bradford put his fingertips to the glass and his mouth opened, though it took a half-second for the words to form. “It wasn’t like that, Mike,” he said.
“No?” she said. “Then tell me what it was.”
“You know what it was. Trying to give us a chance, same as it’s always been.”
Her eyes cut toward the officer. “This is giving us a chance?”
“I had no idea it would become this.”
“Don’t play semantics. You knew something was going down.”
“Nothing I could lay out logically, nothing I could point to.”
“Fuck that,” she said. “I was right there, every single goddamned day, right there, begging, enduring, and you knew, Miles, you knew! And then you left a nice little parting gift when it was too late to do a fucking thing about it.”
Bradford shook his head, wearing that same sad smile. “That’s not what it was, not what it looks like.”
“So you keep saying, but you’ve said a lot of things, haven’t you?”
“Dammit, Mike, yes, I knew what it cost you. I wanted to give you what you wanted. That’s why I put things in motion, processed the paperwork.”
“And then just let it sit there while the world burned down?”
He put his other hand to the glass, both of his palms pressed in toward her as if he would have reached out and held her and buried his face in her neck. He said, “You think that was easy? You think I didn’t hurt every damn day I went into that building without you, wondering if this would be the day you’d had enough and got up and walked away again? You think saying no was fun? I’m trying to keep you alive, Mike, I’m trying to keep us alive. What kind of hypocrite does that make me if the moment I think my own ass might be on the line, I’m suddenly willing to risk yours again? I’d rather die than put you in that position.”
“That wasn’t your fucking choice,” she hissed. “You had no right to control my decisions by withholding the truth. You’d rather die? This is death, and I would’ve given anything to keep it from happening.”
“I would’ve done anything to keep it from happening. You think I knew? Things got…” Bradford paused. “Things were…”
She crossed her arms. “Complicated, you said.”
“For God’s sake, Mike, I’m not an easy man to take down, you know that. Not after twenty years of staying alive while people around me were blown to hell. I had this. I figured whatever came at me, would be more of the same ol’, same ol’, not this underhanded bullshit.”
“But you sat and waited for them.”
“Of course I did. This isn’t Afghanistan. Different sandbox, different rules. That was the only way to fight it, and you know it. You would have done the exact same thing.”
“No, I would have fucking called you.”
“Michael,” he said, his voice low, chiding and knowing, full of protective pain. “I call you, you show up—and you know you would have—and that makes you an accomplice and buries you in the same shit I’m in.”
Munroe glared.
Bradford stopped. “You’re right,” he said. “I should have called. But would you have, had the roles been reversed?”
His question ground the conversation to silence. She would have done the same as he—tried to distance him, protect him just as he had her, and he would have been just as angry as she was now. Munroe shifted back into the chair and straightened her legs. Bradford’s fingertips remained pressed against the glass.
She felt his hurt inside her chest, as if her own heart had been squeezed and wrung, as if it had been she who’d spent the last four nights unable to sleep, believing quite possibly that what she’d tried to hold on to had abandoned her for good. She wanted to reach for him, to comfort him and make things better, but that just made her mad and so she stayed where she was, arms crossed, glaring at the small ledge beneath the window. Finally she said, “How long have you known? How far back does this go?”
“As far as I know, the day I got there.”
He paused, as if he’d left the sentence unfinished. She looked up and met his eyes. He said, “You see atrocity and you think of me, you know it?”
The belt, the murder weapon.
“Yes,” she said.
“Maybe two weeks on the Easter egg squares—”
Information left on the calendar sheets.
“It’ll flow from there like Chutes and Ladders—”
Follow the trail.
“You have the jewelry box?”
Have you looked at the external drive?
“I tried on the three pendants,” she said. “They don’t fit.”
“That’s all I had, all I could afford. You might have to take it back to the store. I left you the receipt.”
“Yeah,” she said. “I’ve gone back to look at a few pieces but haven’t had a chance to go shopping.”
Another beat of silence.
“I didn’t know, Mike,” he said. “Not like this.”
“You should have told me from the beginning.”
“In hindsight I see that.”
She waited, then said, “Remember what I told you in Argentina? Back when Logan and his friends were using me to get what they wanted—when you begged me to stop because you thought the risk was too high?”
“Choice,” Bradford said, and he searched her face. “You chose to let them use you, knowing it might be the end.”
“We’ve come around full circle,” she said. “I’m here now because I choose to be, not out of some sense of duty or obligation or even because I love you, but because untangling these types of puzzles is what I fucking live for.”
Bradford glanced down and, lips pressed together again, he traced a finger in random patterns on the counter that edged out on his side. Finally he said, “Never mind the big picture. Are we fixable? Can I undo what I’ve done?”
“I don’t know,” she said.
Pain etched in his facial creases. He sat back and sighed, then nodded and went back to the previous subject. “What about the current situation?”
Munroe jutted her chin toward the glass, the walls. “Have you said anything?”
He shook his head.
“They won’t stop.”
“There’s nothing to confess,” he said, but he said more with his eyes and his expression than he did with his words and in everything he left unspoken he told her that he knew how the system worked and that he would hold out against the worst of it.
“Then maybe,” she said. “Possibly. I haven’t looked at it hard enough yet to know what can be done, but if it is fixable, the fixing won’t be free.”
Bradford smiled again, that sad, sad smile, and with his focus drifting back down toward the counter, he shook his head again. His pride would never allow him to articulate it, so Munroe answered the question for him.
“Logan used me, but I didn’t go to Argentina to save him,” she said. “That’s what makes this different. I’ll do everything I can to save you, Miles, but I won’t do it for love. You want me to work? You want out? Pay me.”
“I’m kind of between a rock and a hard place here, Mike—it’s not exactly like I can say no, no matter how fucked up that is.”
“You can say it,” she said.
“That’s how it is, then? One bad turns deserves another, and either I succumb to blackmail or you leave me here? Abandon me? Will that make us even?”
She crossed her arms and he glared at her and she glared back.
“Look, you can hate me now,” she said, “I don’t care. There’ll be plenty of time later for hurt feelings and licking wounds. I prefer pissed off and angry, anyway.”
“Michael,” he said. He put his hand to the window again. “I’m genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, sorry. Sorry for thinking I knew what you needed more than you did and not giving you work when you asked for it. Sorry for not telling you there might be storms on the horizon. Sorry for putting you through this.” He tipped his head in the direction of the officer who’d remained standing on his side of the wall. “I thought I was doing the right thing, but I was wrong and you deserved better.”
“Stop,” she said. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“Tell me what you want to hear and I’ll say it.”
“I want you to write the goddamn check so I can go to work.”
“You’re being an asshole.”
“I’m very good at that.”
“This isn’t you, Michael. This isn’t who you are. Not to me.”
“These past few months?” she said. “The lies, the stolen moments and stolen choices while I tried to change who I was for you—for us—was that you?”
Bradford’s eyes wandered over her shoulder, toward the officer behind her. Voice distant and hollow, he said, “When you contact the office again, tell Walker the score. She can make sure you’re compensated.”
“Give me your authorization codes.”
“What? You want a blank check?”
“You want to rot in here for the next twenty years? You know what I’m worth.”
“I don’t have that kind of money.”
Munroe shrugged. “What’s the rest of your life?”
Bradford’s expression hardened. He’d run the full gauntlet from sorrow to pain to anger. “Tell Walker I said to put it all on Armageddon.”
“I’m not coming back until this is over,” Munroe said. “There are no do-overs, no opportunities to clarify things, so you’d better be sure she’ll understand exactly what that means.”
“I know it’s hard given the way things are,” he said, “but please, a little trust.”
“Okay,” she said. She stood to go. Business was done, that’s what she’d come for.
Half out of his chair, Bradford pressed both palms to the window. “Michael,” he said. “Please, not yet.”
Munroe paused, then sat again, and Bradford did, too. He drew a long breath. “There are a million things I wish I could tell you, so much I wish I could undo. It plays in my head over and over, the little choices, the what-ifs, the smallest things that might have made a difference. I miss you,” he said. “If I could rewind and do things differently, I would, but I can’t. All I can do is hope you’re able to figure it out. Maybe at least then you’ll understand that my intentions were good and that even in the lies I never meant to hurt you. None of that matters now, but I wish you could know it.”
Munroe gritted her teeth. She didn’t want him to beg, didn’t want him to suffer, and didn’t want an apology, either—it was easier to feed the monsters from a place of rage. His earnestness tore at her, shredding resolve.
She placed her hand against the glass, lining her fingers up against his, aching for the touch that had once been, separated by an inch of material that might as well be an ocean and a lifetime.
Given the circumstances, it might truly be a lifetime.
Bradford leaned nearer and she did, too, and his eyes traced over their fingers and then up to her eyes. His expression, tightening as if he had no voice and only the agony of failure, ripped the heart right out of her.
There were no words for good-byes like this.
Bradford whispered, “Always.”
Munroe closed her eyes and smiled his sadness.
This might be the last time she saw him. Ever. And the things she said today might be the last words from her he heard and carried. Even the anger and the sting of betrayal, the confusion and disorientation that had stained and sullied the memories of every moment they’d shared to now, wasn’t worth the future regret of never having said what she needed him to know.
“Maybe one day you’ll understand, too,” she said. “I never meant to hurt you.” She put two fingers to her lips and then pressed them to the glass. “Always,” she whispered back, “I love you.” And then she stood, and before he could respond, she walked away.