Shortly after midnight, Joanna pulled into the driveway. Jake’s car was parked near the garage where it usually was this time of night, and relief came over her at the sight. If it hadn’t been there, she probably would have sat down on the front steps and wept from sheer jealousy.
Joanna got out of her car and headed toward the house, grateful for the porch light Ina had left burning. But she was in no hurry as she approached the front door. She wasn’t tired. Just discouraged. Sad. Lonely. Turning the key in the lock, she slipped quietly into the sleeping house. The door clicked shut behind her as she switched off the outside light and turned to find the hand railing of the staircase. Then she made her way up the steps in the darkness. Walking into her bedroom, she dropped her purse on the dresser and kicked off her shoes. When Joanna pulled back the bedspread, the sheets felt cool beneath her fingertips. She folded them down. Maybe she was a little bit tired, after all, she considered. And definitely thirsty. The popcorn at the theater had been too salty for her taste. Her mind went back to the events of the evening.
Her date with Bob had not lasted long, but she’d missed Jake the whole time. Every single minute. She picked up her pillow and gave it a halfhearted punch. Was she forever the hopeless romantic who would want someone she couldn’t have? Sometimes it felt that way deep inside, and she wanted to kick herself for allowing it to happen.
With a frustrated groan, she headed for the bathroom to get a drink. The tap water from the sink wasn’t very cold, and she remembered the pitcher of water Ina kept in the refrigerator. Still wearing her jeans and pink T-shirt from work, Joanna descended the staircase quickly, her bare feet sinking into the plush carpeting. She walked through the darkness into the kitchen. As she pulled open the refrigerator door, the cool air flowed over her. The light from within dispelled the shadows of the room, and Joanna gasped when she saw a movement near the table.
“It’s just me.” Jake’s voice cut through the night.
She closed the appliance door abruptly. “Why are you sitting here in the dark?”
“Can’t sleep when I’m angry,” he stated flatly.
Joanna watched him lift a glass to his mouth and take a long, slow drink as she walked toward the table. Her mind went back to his story of little Toby’s death in the emergency room. And the drinking that followed. “You’re angry with me?” she asked cautiously.
Jake gave no reply. His glare remained on her eyes until it lowered to her lips, which were still parted in question.
Joanna’s heart thumped uncomfortably as unwelcome tension stretched between them. But the conclusion she’d reached earlier that evening preyed upon her conscience.
“Jake, driving home tonight I thought of the way I acted about your date with Natalie Eden—”
“It wasn’t a date.”
He was going to make this difficult for her, and she knew she deserved it. She placed her unsteady hands on the back of the chair in front of her, gripping it firmly.
“Well, whatever it was,” she began, “I was wrong to act the way I did about it. You have the freedom to see whomever you wish.” Even if it shatters my heart into tiny bits, she longed to say. Nervously, she ran her thumb along the back of the wooden chair in front of her and waited for a response. For his forgiveness. She’d never dreamed he wouldn’t give it.
“Is that why you came down here in the middle of the night? To apologize to me?” One eyebrow quirked in sarcastic inquiry. The moon filtered enough light through the window to ease the darkness of the room and reveal the bitterness in the direct gaze that viewed her.
“No, I—” Why had she come down here? “I didn’t realize you were here. I came to get a drink.”
“Have one.” He pushed his glass across the table toward her. “Then go back to bed,” he ordered and looked away as something dangerously close to despair stole over his features.
His demand came harshly, but the sharp response that came so easily to the tip of Joanna’s tongue was silenced by the anguish she’d glimpsed in his gaze. “Jake—”
“So, tell me,” he interrupted, his eyes meeting hers again. The sorrow was gone, replaced by anger. Or was it something else? “What did you and that date of yours do tonight?” His low, almost threatening words startled her.
“I don’t like what you’re implying,” she answered over the uneasy thudding in her chest. “We went out to get something to eat after work and saw a movie together. That’s all.” Wanting to put some distance between them, she returned to the refrigerator and poured water into a glass.
“That had better be all.” Jake’s tone was sharp, the meaning clear. “This is the first time in my life I’ve ever waited for someone to come home from a date. I didn’t know whether to feel like a worried guardian or just plain jealous.”
“The fact is, you’re neither.” Joanna took a sip of water as she watched him, her misgivings increasing. What did he want from her? Why was she continually receiving these mixed signals from him? “Why did you wait for me, Jake? You could be with Natalie. Isn’t that where you’d rather be?” She placed the glass on the counter abruptly, spilling some of the contents.
“No, it isn’t,” he snapped. “Natalie Eden is here to see the hospital.”
“She couldn’t care less about any hospital.” Joanna almost choked on the words. “It’s you she’s after, Jake, and you know it.” Her eyes filled with tears suddenly, unexpectedly. The sob rising in her throat nearly cut off her words, and she raised an arm, covering her mouth with the back of her hand.
Jake rose from his chair and moved toward her. “It’s not like that.”
Joanna wiped away angry tears. “Yes, it is. She wants you—”
“Jo, don’t—”
“—and you’re always here for her…waiting.”
Jake’s hands brushed her arms, gliding up to her shoulders. “Natalie is not who I’m waiting for.”
Joanna swallowed hard. She could barely comprehend what she’d heard until his warm, unsteady hands touched her face.
His fingers moved to sift through the softness of her hair, and Jake wondered how he’d kept from kissing her the thousand different times he’d wanted to. He’d never felt this way with any woman. None except this one. “You are who I want, who I’ve always wanted, Joanna.”
She gasped in pure amazement. She’d nearly given up hope that he’d ever say such things to her. Her throat ached with words she longed to say in return but wouldn’t. Not until she knew his heart and the secrets kept there. What Joanna didn’t realize was that her eyes told Jake what he needed to know. The love they’d not spoken of was mutual. Deep. He saw it shining in her hopeful gaze as his hands found her waist, pulling her close. She was the most precious thing in his life. The only thing that mattered. He wanted to never let her go.
Jake slowly lowered his mouth, capturing hers in a kiss he meant to be gentle. But Joanna responded with yearning she was too young and trusting to hide. She was soft and beautiful, warm and giving, and Jake’s hands moved against the soft lines of her back, arching her toward him. Joanna was everything he’d longed for, right there in his arms. Together they were discovering a love they hadn’t been aware they could feel until they found each other.
“Jake,” she murmured his name as his mouth left her soft lips for the slender column of her throat.
Raising his head, he looked into those beautiful eyes so filled with unspoken emotion.
They’d been here before—that night of Joanna’s birthday, the snowy evening by the firelight, a hundred times or more in their dreams.
Jake looked away for a moment to fight an unfamiliar sting in his own eyes. This ache in his heart went way beyond wanting. It had for a long time. He loved her. No matter how much he didn’t want to, he did. It was deep and real. And it hurt like nothing he’d ever imagined.
He pulled her close, breathing warm words against her temple. “What am I going to do with you, Jo? You’re here, around all the edges of my life, without really being mine at all. And I know I can’t have you, but I don’t want to let you go.”
“Does it have to be all or nothing?” she asked in a sad whisper as she tipped her head up to meet his gaze.
“Either one will break our hearts,” he said quietly. Jake leaned forward to kiss her lightly on the mouth before releasing her.
It felt like a kiss goodbye. Panic rose in her throat. “Jake—”
“Go back upstairs, Joanna. You don’t belong down here with me.”
“But I don’t want to leave you.” He was slipping away, shutting her out, and she reached for his arm, wanting desperately to hold on to the best of what they’d found in each other’s hearts. “We can’t keep doing this to ourselves…to each other.”
But Jake’s hand encircled her wrist, removing her hand from his arm and pressing it down to her side. He had to force himself to meet her gaze, not wanting to confront the misery he knew he’d find there. The same misery she’d seen in him.
“We have something special, Jake. Far more than friendship. We both feel it every time we touch.”
“Yes, we do,” he agreed. “That’s why I can’t be your friend,” he sighed in self-disgust. “I can’t keep my hands off you long enough for that. And we can’t be lovers. That would go against everything you believe in.” Jake paused, studying her sorrowful expression. There was marriage, of course. Being a husband, having a wife. He’d steered clear of it all his life. But, now, with Joanna….
Tell him…tell him. Ina’s words ran through Joanna’s mind once again. Her love for Jake burned brighter than ever, but could she risk telling him when he had not spoken of love? She lowered her gaze to the collar of his shirt.
“Jake, what we have…this can’t be only physical. Please tell me you want more than that.” Her voice was soft and pleading, and her heart was afraid of his reply.
“Of course, it’s more,” he responded, openly surprised by the honesty in her statement. “How can you ask that? Look at me, Jo.”
She hesitantly met his solemn gaze again, and in that instant he wanted to tell her everything. How much he loved her, how much he wanted a lifetime with her. But she couldn’t promise him forever. Could she? At her age? “You know it’s much more.”
Joanna stood only inches from him but the distance seemed intolerable, and she moved easily into the embrace that was there for the taking. “Oh, Jake…”
Jake’s arms went around her in a protective band of warmth, his mouth barely brushing her forehead. “You belong with someone your own age, someone who shares your beliefs and convictions.” But the thought of Joanna finding that someone had never come so close as tonight when she’d been out with Bob. The threat of it seemed to twist and turn inside Jake. The affection she’d so freely offered was a treasure he’d rejected. Time and again. And tonight, sitting alone in that dark kitchen, how he’d wished she’d come home. Watching her fall in love with another man was something he wouldn’t do. He couldn’t. Jake cupped her face tenderly in his hands again and looked into those dark, dark eyes in which he sometimes felt he could almost drown. And he knew deep down for the first time that he’d rather drown there than lose her. “God forgive me, I can’t let you go,” he whispered the truth his heart finally accepted.
Joanna’s eyes flew open wide. “Do you mean that?”
“Yes,” he admitted. “I want you. Us.” His hands were warm against her face, framing it, caressing it. “I don’t know how I’ve fought it this long.” He smiled a little before his mouth met hers again with a sweet tenderness that easily brought tears to Joanna’s eyes.
She was all he loved in this life. If what they shared didn’t last forever, he’d take whatever they could have. He’d settle for that. He had to. If he lost her someday and was destined to live his father’s sorrow over again, then he’d have to find a way to survive it. He couldn’t let her go now.
Joanna responded to his kiss with all the hope in her young heart until Jake slowly brought the moment to an end and pressed his lips in a last, light touch on the tip of her nose. He wasn’t sure if he’d lost this battle, or won it. Joanna made him believe in possibilities he hadn’t dare think of before falling in love. Things like promises, commitment, the future. With her. Things he would offer. Things he would ask. “Joanna…I want to do this right.”
Then it was Joanna’s turn to smile. She had ideas. Possibilities of her own. “I know how we can start. Remember when we went to dinner with Karen and Doug? And the night we celebrated my birthday? I loved those times together, and we’ve done so few things like that, Jake. Couldn’t we try? Just the two of us?” She paused, catching her lower lip anxiously between her teeth as she waited for his reaction.
“Something not too tempting?” he remarked, his steady gaze arousing that familiar longing in Joanna, a longing Jake easily recognized.
She watched him glance away from her momentarily as if considering something, and when he looked fully at her again, a glint of amusement brightened his expression. “Are you asking me for a date?”
“Not if you’re going to laugh, no,” she countered briskly and dropped her gaze to the floor.
“I’m not laughing.” With one warm hand he touched her chin, gently tilting it up until his own eyes once again locked with wary brown. “It’s just a little out of character for you, that’s all.”
“I have a bad habit of doing things out of character when you’re involved.”
One corner of Jake’s mouth curved into a smile. “Believe me, Joanna, I’ve noticed. And, yes, we’ll go somewhere tomorrow evening. Any place you choose is fine. Except here, alone in this house, in the dark.” His smile faded. “Understood?”
She laughed softly although she hardly felt like laughing at all. “Understood,” she responded and reached up to slide her fingers into his silky straight hair.
But Jake caught her wrist gently and brought it to his mouth for a whispery kiss. Joanna stood perfectly still, entranced by the teasing touch of his lips against her skin.
Jake cleared his throat, pretending not to be affected by the glimpse of pure desire Joanna had unknowingly given. He let go of her arm slowly. This wasn’t going to be easy. “I want to do this the right way, Jo. Your way.”
She nodded, unable to speak with her breath in her throat the way it was.
“Go upstairs. Now.” He inclined his head toward the kitchen doorway and let her hand slip from him. “Before I try to talk you into staying.”
“But, Jake—”
Firm hands moved to her shoulders. “Please, Joanna. Don’t make it more difficult to say good-night than it already is,” he added with deliberate emphasis. “We have tomorrow.”
A thought crowded into Joanna’s mind that she had dismissed earlier. “But what about Dr. Eden? She’s here to see you.”
“She doesn’t mean anything to me, Jo. She’s a colleague. A friend.”
“Like I’m your friend?” Joanna asked, her eyes wide with sudden anguish.
“No, no. It’s nothing like that.” He studied her uncertain gaze, wishing he could undo some of his past. “Joanna, there’s no one like you in my life. No one.” He paused. “And I’m tired of this senseless lying to myself.”
Joanna frowned. “Lying? About what?”
“About not wanting you. I know you’re too young for me and you have a serious faith in God that I don’t yet share. But the truth is, no matter what our differences, I do want you. Only God knows how much.” Jake’s fingers were warm against her skin as he traced the line of her jaw.
Want was not the same as love, Joanna knew all too well; but the tender light in his eyes assured her it was a beginning. For now, that was enough.
“Tomorrow?” he reminded before leaning forward, his lips brushing hers in barely a kiss.
She laughed softly, stealing a second light kiss before she turned to leave. “Tomorrow,” she repeated. Something Jake had not given until now. The promise of tomorrow.
“Good morning, Ina!” Joanna’s voice, light and happy, brought an immediate frown to her friend’s face early the next day.
“You’re certainly cheerful this morning,” Ina remarked as she poured steaming coffee into two mugs.
“And why shouldn’t I be?” Joanna slipped her arms around Ina, giving her a hug. “It’s a beautiful day, and I’m in love with a wonderful man.” The smile lighting up Joanna’s face did nothing to alleviate the frown on Ina’s.
“In love? What are you talking about? Things couldn’t have gone that well on a first date with…what was his name? Bob?”
“No, you’re right about that. But when I came home, Jake was waiting for me. Where is he this morning, anyway?”
“He left for the hospital about an hour ago. He said he wouldn’t be gone long.” Ina sank down onto a kitchen chair. “Tell me what happened.”
“Well…” Joanna began as she joined her friend at the table. Reaching across the table, she squeezed Ina’s hand. “Jake really cares for me, Ina. More than I ever dreamed he would.”
“I know he does, dear, but—”
“We’re going out tonight. Just the two of us.” Joanna paused at the wonder of her own words. “I can hardly believe he agreed to it.”
“Well, I’m sure you’ll enjoy that, but—”
“I’ve loved him for so long, Ina. You can’t imagine how it feels to finally have some hope. I know I’ve always been jealous of Natalie Eden, but he said last night that she didn’t mean anything to him.”
“I’ll bet he did,” Ina interjected.
Joanna’s heart skipped a beat. “Why would you say that?” she asked, not certain she wanted to hear the answer.
“I know that you’re in love with him, sweetie. I’ve known that since the first time I saw you with him, but whatever Jake said to you last night…”
“What is it, Ina?” Joanna watched a deep frown settle over her friend’s kind face. “What happened?”
“Before Jake left for the airport last night to pick up Dr. Eden, he got a phone call. I’d been upstairs with Mae and was just coming down to the kitchen to make some coffee when he was talking on the phone.”
“With whom?”
“It turned out to be Daniel Vernon, one of Andrew’s sons, on the phone.” Ina placed a hand over her mouth momentarily in a thoughtful gesture. “Jake was too quiet, solemn. Maybe even sad. I’m not sure how to accurately describe it, but when I walked past him, he was ending the conversation. There was something about his expression that concerned me, so I asked if everything was all right.”
“And…he said…” Joanna prompted.
“He said that nothing was right. Nothing. Then he told me that Natalie Eden is marrying Daniel Vernon.”
“Natalie Eden and Daniel Vernon? You’re not serious.”
Ina nodded her head.
“Daniel’s a good friend of Jake’s. I’ve heard Jake talk about him.” She eased slowly into a chair. Her throat tightened, and being ill was becoming a real possibility. How wrong had her judgment been about Jake’s feelings last night? Wrong enough to last a lifetime? “So, news of the marriage…upset him?”
“I think so.” Ina sighed. “Believe me, if I didn’t think this was important, I wouldn’t mention it. I’m not one for gossiping. Honestly.” Ina reached over to pat Joanna’s hand. “But he said he almost couldn’t believe he felt this way. I told him if he wanted to talk, I’d be glad to listen. But he said he didn’t have anything to say except that he was jealous of Daniel. Jealous. He repeated it as if he didn’t believe what he was saying.”
“Jealous of Daniel Vernon,” Joanna barely whispered. “Because Daniel is marrying Natalie.”
“I’m afraid so,” Ina answered as she gave Joanna’s arm a gentle squeeze. “He went storming out of here, slamming the door behind him. I’ve known Jake for years, and I’ve never seen him tear out of the driveway the way he did then.”
Joanna rose from her chair, pulling away from the comforting touch of her friend to walk to the window. The brilliant sunshine did nothing to ease the sorrow that gripped her aching heart.
“Maybe he was jealous of your date with Bob, too. Do you think—”
“No,” Joanna responded with certainty. “Jake knew it was a first date. It was nothing to be jealous of.” But…all the things he’d said last night? Had he meant any of it? Or was she a convenient replacement for the woman he really longed for?
“But you showed interest in another man. Jake’s not used to that kind of behavior from you. He’s had you all to himself since you moved here.”
“As though he’s noticed,” Joanna commented. “The only reason he was suddenly so interested in me last night was because he knew Natalie was gone. Really gone. He’s too close a friend to Daniel to pursue her, regardless of how strong his feelings are for her.” Joanna shrugged hopelessly. “And why shouldn’t Jake be in love with her? She’s gorgeous, intelligent, successful, wealthy.” Joanna raised a hand to her forehead. “She’s right for Jake, you know. She even looks right for him. They’d make a perfect set. Matching good looks, medical careers and bank accounts. I think they’d be very happy together.”
“Jake belongs with you. Permanently,” Ina stated matter-of-factly. “But, he might have to get her out of his system first. Sometimes that’s how it is, Joanna, whether we like it or not.”
Joanna blinked hard. The familiar burn of rising tears returned. She’d cried over Jake. Too many times. She had no desire to do it again. “Excuse me, Ina. I have to get ready to go to work.”
“Joanna, wait. I’m sorry I had to tell you all this. I heard Jake come home late last night, but I had no idea he was downstairs when you came in. I didn’t realize—”
“That I’d fallen conveniently into his empty arms?” Joanna finished the sentence with a weak laugh. “Well, I had. Again. The funny thing is, it feels so right, Ina. I can hardly believe that he wasn’t sincere.”
“I know he cares for you, dear, but he was just so angry.”
“He was angry at first,” Joanna remembered, “but he was so…so tender. He can be so gentle with me, Ina.” She stopped abruptly, hugging her arms to her stomach. How could what she felt last night not be real?
“I’m sorry, Joanna. I had no idea you’d come down here this morning so excited.”
“He said he didn’t feel anything for Natalie. And I believed him…I trusted him.”
“Talk to him about this. I don’t believe for a second that he would do anything to hurt you.”
“But everything that happened, all the things he said…how could he have feelings for her and say those words to me?”
“There has to be some misunderstanding,” Ina insisted.
“I love Jake,” Joanna admitted, “and last night I thought he was beginning to love me, too. That’s the only misunderstanding.”
“I know he cares very much for you, Joanna. There’s a reasonable explanation for all of this.”
“Can you think of one?”
“I’m trying,” Ina acknowledged. “Even if he has some feelings for Dr. Eden, they won’t last forever.”
“And since he can’t have her, he’ll settle for me? No, Ina, I don’t want him unless he loves me—only me.”
“Don’t let your pride get in the way. Discuss this with him. Tell the man you love him.”
“Not now,” Joanna said with a sad shrug. “What would I say when he tells me he doesn’t feel the same?”
“You need to hear the truth, whatever it is. There are going to be things you’re going to have to accept. Jake is a man who has made mistakes that need to be forgiven—just like the rest of us,” Ina explained.
“Forgiveness has nothing to do with this. We’re talking about believing in someone, trusting him…something a relationship can’t survive without.”
Ina rose from her chair to approach her young friend. She pressed a warm hand to Joanna’s cheek. “What we’re talking about is a lovely young woman whose pride has been hurt. If you love him, talk to him.”
“Ina, it’s not that simple,” Joanna argued.
“I know, dear, but you’re not being fair to him until you give him a chance to explain.” She smiled at Joanna’s troubled expression and tilted her head a little to the side. “Don’t be afraid of what he has to say.”
“But I am afraid, Ina. What do I have to really call my own? No family, no home…and now, Jake? I can’t share his love with some woman from his past.”
“Then give him a chance to explain her away.”
Joanna quietly considered the words Ina had spoken, but nothing sounded logical in a moment when the only thing she could do was feel. “All I want to do is leave. Now. Today,” she said. “I’ve prayed about this so many times, and the answer has always seemed to be wait, wait a little longer, until the time is right. But, now, I think the answer is no…not Jake…not for me.”
She looked up to see the color drain from Ina’s face in an instant. Joanna turned, knowing instinctively what had happened. And she was right. Jake stood silently in the doorway, his eyes fixed on Joanna.
“Excuse me,” Ina mumbled and cast an encouraging look in Joanna’s direction. “I need to check on Mae again. She wasn’t doing well this morning,” she added before she hurried from the kitchen.
Stone-cold silence settled over the room as Joanna placed both hands on the back of a nearby chair to steady herself. Her mind raced with thoughts. What had she said? How much had he heard? “Jake—”
“You would leave?” He spoke slowly with a lethal calmness keeping whatever emotion he was feeling in check. “Without discussion? Without explanation?”
“I wouldn’t go without telling you.”
“Telling me what? Goodbye?”
Joanna looked at him, the cautious gray of his eyes. The truth, Ina had said. But how could they get to it beneath all of the emotion? “You know Natalie Eden is marrying Daniel,” she stated, her voice shaky.
Jake studied her questioning gaze. “Yes.”
“You’re not surprised by that?”
“No,” Jake answered. “Daniel has been in love with her since our first year of medical school.”
“But she’s interested in you. Back in Charleston, you traveled to conferences with her, you dated her—”
“We went to dinner a few times. She’s a friend, Joanna, someone I worked with.”
Like I’m your friend. The words screamed through Joanna’s mind, but she didn’t speak them. He’d only deny it like he had last night. “So, then, will you be attending their wedding?” she asked, ignoring the swell of pain rising in her chest.
“No,” Jake responded quietly. Not after the events of this morning’s conversation. “I won’t be going.”
Joanna bit her lip until it throbbed. “Wise decision,” she remarked crisply. “Then you don’t have to worry about whether or not to take me along. I’m sure it would be quite an embarrassment. Being seen with the immature, frivolous twenty-two-year-old that I am.”
“That’s not true,” he countered, swallowing the despair in his throat. He’d be the envy of every man there if he showed up at that ceremony with anyone as young and beautiful as Joanna on his arm. And standing in that solemn sanctuary, watching Daniel make eternal vows… Jake exhaled a quiet sigh. He’d want to ask Joanna to marry him. Like he wanted to do only moments ago… And he wasn’t going to let that happen. Not when so slight a misunderstanding could send her fleeing. Running from him, without so much as a question asked. Just as his mother had done. “Believe me, Jo. It’s not you. It’s me. I can’t go to that ceremony. It’s not something I can do.”
“I see,” she answered softly, then locked her fingers together in prayerlike fashion, clasping her fidgeting hands in front of her. She felt Jake’s eyes follow her movement.
“You’re not going to pray now, are you?” he asked.
“What are you talking about?”
Jake nodded toward her hands. “I know that you’re concerned about doing what is right for you, but I don’t think this is an appropriate time for prayer.”
Anger burned through her, one emotion she rarely experienced with him. “Don’t make fun of me, Jake.”
“I’m not,” he replied immediately. “I wouldn’t do anything to stand in the way of your Christianity, Jo, but I don’t want to find myself standing in the middle of it.”
“Because you won’t accept it.”
“Because I don’t fully understand it,” he said. “I haven’t misled you.” He thought they had at least reached an understanding on that obstacle. “You know that I don’t share your beliefs—you’ve known that from the beginning.” He paused. “You knew that last night.”
Joanna stiffened at the sting of hurtful words. She had always known but, somehow, she had still hoped. “Yes, I guess I did, didn’t I?” she lamented. “And, as I recall, you seemed quite sure last night that Natalie Eden didn’t mean anything to you.”
“Because she doesn’t,” Jake answered, a flash of anger burning through his own gaze. “I’ve told you that. Why won’t you believe me?”
“And yet you won’t watch her marry Daniel.”
“I don’t care who Natalie marries. I’m not in the mood to go to anyone’s wedding,” he said in a clipped, tense voice. Least of all, his own.
Joanna’s brown eyes clung to his in a desperate search for some glimpse of the tenderness she’d seen only hours earlier. But it was gone. “If you’ll excuse me, I have some packing to do before I leave for work.” She took a few steps toward the doorway and Jake stepped aside to let her pass. How quickly and easily this was ending. She’d never imagined it being like this.
“Joanna.” The unfamiliar tone in his voice stopped her. He sounded so cold, so clinical. “Mae is staying here where she can be taken care of properly. You will explain your departure to her in some way that makes sense.”
She gave a forced smile. “Yes, I’ll talk to her.” Was that all he had to say? Didn’t he care at all that she was leaving?
“The decision to go is yours to make. You know what’s right for you,” he stated, “but when you leave, I want to be informed where I can reach you.”
A cry of exasperation escaped her. “You don’t have to look after me, Jake. I’m quite capable of taking care of myself, thank you.”
“I realize that,” he answered, his voice sounding oddly resigned, “but if you’re not living here, you still need to be nearby. I promised Mae that you would be here for her.” His mouth took an unpleasant twist of determination. “I intend to keep that promise.”
“Yes, keep your promise to Aunt Mae,” she said in clear, cool words. “That’s what started this whole situation, isn’t it?”
“We started it ourselves, Jo, by wanting things we cannot have.”
Joanna watched the play of emotions on his face. Whatever Jake wanted was more unclear to her now than ever, but she’d learned exactly what she wanted. The love she’d begun to believe in last night. How could she have been so wrong? Turning, she left the kitchen and rushed up the stairs to her bedroom. The truth they needed was buried somewhere in the words they’d spoken to each other. It had to be there. If only they could find their way to it.
She pulled her suitcases from the closet and dropped them onto the bed as the first of many tears slid down her cheeks. But the yanking of sweaters and blouses from hangers and stuffing them haphazardly into the luggage stopped abruptly at the sound of Ina’s panicked voice.
“Joanna, come quick!”
She ran into the hallway, nearly colliding with her friend. “Is it Aunt Mae?” Joanna asked, running toward her aunt’s room down the long hallway.
“Where’s Dr. Barnes?” the nurse asked as she was coming out of the doorway just as Joanna rushed in.
Ina was by Joanna’s side in an instant, slipping an arm gently around her waist. Mae was gone. Peacefully, quickly, gone. And she’d taken what was left of Joanna’s heart with her that day.
The funeral was brief. Simple and fitting. Aunt Mae was buried in a small country cemetery only a few miles from Jake’s home. She had been born and raised less than fifty miles from that spot so Joanna gave no argument when Jake suggested it as a final resting place. His father was buried there, Joanna noticed when she inspected the area with Ina to see if it was acceptable. But there’d been only one tombstone with the Barnes name on it. She wondered briefly why Jake’s mother was buried elsewhere. Wouldn’t any woman have wanted to been laid to rest alongside her husband if it was possible? Mae’s husband had been cremated years ago. Otherwise, Joanna would have requested her aunt’s body be shipped home to be buried beside her uncle. She couldn’t imagine choosing otherwise for herself. If Jake had loved her… But he didn’t, she reminded herself, and there wasn’t any point in considering possibilities that had never really existed.
It wasn’t Jake’s shoulder Joanna cried on during those difficult days. Ina was her mainstay for what little weeping she did. She felt more numb than sad, and she longed for the familiarity of the home she had shared with Mae, a house she would have to sell immediately to pay bills. Returning to Charleston as soon as Smithfield found someone to replace her, was her plan. In the meantime, she moved temporarily into Ina’s home in a subdivision near the city. With Aunt Mae gone, Ina wasn’t needed at Jake’s home as much so she, along with Joanna, packed their things and moved. Jake let them go with little more than a nod goodbye. And Joanna was glad. It made the leaving easier. As did the news from Andrew Vernon that the marriage between his son and Dr. Natalie Eden had been called off. It seemed the couple couldn’t agree whether home would be Indiana or South Carolina. The engagement was over and Dr. Eden had returned to the clinic in Charleston. Alone. For now, at least. Joanna felt that she herself had accepted the news rather well, considering her prediction had come true. Jake would be gone for good with Natalie available again, and Joanna didn’t shed a single tear over that knowledge. In fact, she took her small paycheck from Smithfield and went shopping. But not even two new pairs of shoes and a shiny silver locket eased the persistent ache within. If the lovely Dr. Eden had been trying to make Dr. Barnes jealous with news of an engagement, she’d certainly succeeded. And the payoff would probably be a lifetime with him.
Joanna sighed. Sliding the shoe boxes into the bedroom closet, she lay back on the bed. It was over. Whatever misguided notion she’d had that she might have a future with Jake had ended. He didn’t want marriage, he had said. But he’d change his mind or, rather, Natalie Eden would change it for him. And Joanna didn’t want to be around to see it when it happened.
“At least I didn’t tell him I love him,” she said to herself in the stillness of the bedroom. “Thank you, Lord, for saving me from that embarrassment.” But she’d felt strongly impressed to say it. More than once. And what good would it have done?
No, she’d done the right thing, the only thing that made sense. She’d kept her mouth shut, her heart closed and walked away with what little pride she had left. She’d lost more than her hope for the future when she’d left Jake’s home. She lost the friend that he’d been. And her pride wasn’t a comforting companion.
Tears flooded her eyes. “Lord, what am I going to do now? Aunt Mae’s gone, Jake’s as good as gone….” She’d never felt so alone in all her life.
“I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” The scripture verse came to mind. “Never leave thee, never leave thee.” There was no love like God’s in all the world. Joanna was certain of it. And it was the only love that held true. The only love that remained. She eased off her bed and onto her knees as raw grief overwhelmed her. She would ask the Lord for clarity in the midst of the confusion of her ever changing life. He was the only place left to go.