Danny knocked on the door, but entered without getting permission.
Marnie sat on the edge of the bed with her head in her hands.
“Why did you quit?” Danny asked.
Her head tilted toward him, a gaunt expression on her face. It reminded him of a haunted woman. “You lied about you and Nia. I saw you guys together that night.”
“I wished you would've asked me about it, because then I would've told you it was over.”
“I did, but you said nothing was going on.”
He remembered that night. She'd turned cold when he returned with the pizza and now he knew why. They'd lost six months because he'd thought she needed to be shielded from his past. The same thing she was doing to him. They were both stupid.
“Look, maybe I was wrong not to tell you, but the only reason I didn't was because she didn't matter anymore.”
Marnie turned away from him. “Danny, you and Nia are beside the point, there are other reasons I can't marry you.”
He turned her to face him. “I love you.”
“No.” She recoiled, her face twisted in horror. The anguish in her eyes was almost more than he could bear.
“Oh, Marnie.” He closed his eyes, his hands forming fists.
Words didn't touch her. A grand canyon‐sized chasm stood between them. The pain in her voice was breaking him. But it can't be too late for us.
He opened his eyes again. “Let me hold you, baby.”
He wrapped his arms around her, and they settled on the bed. He lapsed into a slow rocking rhythm, pressing feather light kisses to her forehead.
“I've loved you since that first day at the diner, but I was a coward. I couldn't admit to myself how I felt. I naively convinced myself you needed saving. But you've never really needed me.”
She raised her head, surprise in her violet eyes.
“Of course I did.”
“When I decided to bring you into my life, you opened yourself up to me, and the more I saw, the more it became impossible to deny my feelings for you.”
“Please don't.”
Danny cupped her chin, tilting it toward him. He gave her a soft smile. “You can kick or even cry. Do whatever you want. It's your right. But it's high time I man the fuck up and admit that I love you. I've fallen madly in love with you.”
Her head fell back as if she was surrendering to his declaration. He placed kisses on her extended neck.
“Whatever the problem may be, I don't care. Baby, just tell me what it is, and you'll see that it doesn't change a thing,” he crooned.
Marnie pulled back from his embrace.
“Two months after I was attacked, I found out I was pregnant.” She took a deep breath. Danny stared at her intently, willing her to continue. “I was tooting coke and mainlining heroin, and when I found out I was pregnant, it seemed like I just wanted to do more and more. To get higher and higher. I knew it was wrong, but I just did it anyway.”
“Of course,” Danny murmured in a sympathetic voice.
“I started speed balling, and then one day right before I was getting ready to hit a vein, I went to the bathroom and I felt it fall out of me. I got up and looked in the toilet, and I flushed my baby down and went and got high.” She took a breath as if the pain was resurfacing fresh and raw as the day it occurred. “I murdered my baby, before I got a chance to decide if I wanted it or not.” Marnie hid her face in her hands.
“Marnie, look at me. You're an addict, and your disease took over, but there are a million reasons for the miscarriage. You didn't kill your baby.”
When he first noticed her at the diner, there had been a jolt of recognition. He hadn't been able to place it, but now he could. Guilt over the death of a loved one. Lost in a haze of heroin, she couldn't have saved that baby any more than he could've saved Emily. He bit his lip to hold back the pain that threatened to overwhelm him.
He had wanted to save Emily. Wished he could've traded his life for hers, but in the end he was just like Marnie—a victim to a coke binge, his mind no longer his. He hadn't been able to do anything but watch her float away. Just as Marnie watched her baby float down the toilet.
It was stronger now, that magnetic pull Marnie had. They were supposed to be together. As much as he loved Emily, it was clear he couldn't help her. His shoulders dropped, and the tightness around his chest loosened.
“After that I started getting high every day, and I racked up so much debt I couldn't pay. I just lay down, and let them come in one after the other. I lay down in that bed for so long, years passed.” She closed her eyes. “How could you possibly want to be with me knowing all of that?”
“By simply falling deeper in love with how amazingly strong and courageous you are.”
Living. That was the only thing they could do for the baby or Emily.
Marnie opened her eyes in surprise. “Danny, I'm not Emily.”
He smiled. “Damn right. You're Marnie and that's ten times better. I don't want Emily, or Nia, or anybody else. I want, I need, Marnie. Do you understand?”
Danny kissed her. Her body surrendered to his touch.
“Emily couldn't stay sober, but you can.”
“So you want me, because I'm safe?”
How could he make her understand? All he wanted to do was shower her with love. It wasn't a choice. He'd tried and lost that battle already. He couldn't choose not to love her.
“Oh, Marnie.” He brushed a strand of hair out of her face. “How can I make you understand that you” He kissed a knuckle. “are” He kissed her nose. “everything?”
She gave him a sheepish smile and shrugged out of his embrace.
“Come on.” He stood and held out his hand. “You don't have to decide tonight.”