She had time.
Tana’s apartment was only minutes away, but the baby forced them to pause, to think things through, to cool off. A diaper had to be changed. Footed pajamas had to be snapped over chubby legs and soft arms.
I shouldn’t do this. If we start something, there will be an end to it, someday.
She placed the baby in the crib that Caden had assembled for her this summer. He’d offered to do it last Thanksgiving, when they’d been dancing at the pub. He’d offered to do so many things as an ex-boyfriend, with no expectation of sex. After a romance died, he’d said he’d still do everything he could for his baby, and that included taking care of its mother.
She’d wished, as she’d waltzed, that he was her ex-boyfriend.
If she took him to bed tonight, she would get that wish, sooner or later. Boyfriends became ex-boyfriends even more easily than husbands became ex-husbands. Her heart would break, but if the man who broke it this time was Caden, then her son would not suffer. Sterling wouldn’t be cut out of Caden’s life with a phone call, then forgotten as if he’d never existed.
Caden walked up behind her. In the soft pink light of the nursery, they looked into the crib together, cheek against cheek. She kept her hand on the baby, her other on the safety rail.
Caden pushed her hair to the side, baring the nape of her neck, and placed his mouth on her skin.
She let go of the baby and held on to the safety rail with both hands. She wanted to touch Caden, to have the right to touch him, everywhere and in every way. She wanted to feel his hands on her.
Caden tasted his way to her ear, where he bit her ear lobe lightly, as she listened to the way his breathing changed with arousal. Not with anticipation, but with purpose, for this was it. She didn’t want to keep resisting this.
“Tonight?” he asked in a hushed tone.
“Stay. Please.”
Caden lifted the edge of her shirt and smoothed his palms over her stomach. His fingertips slid under the waistband of her khaki shorts, under the elastic of her underwear, and he pulled her back against his body, away from the crib.
Nearly six months of wanting and wishing were over for her. Incredibly, a year was over for him. Because Caden would be the perfect ex-boyfriend in the future, she could make him her boyfriend.
Now.
She let go and fell into Caden. They pushed each other far enough away to grab for buttons and zippers, they pulled one another close to kiss in greed and need, and they tripped their way out of the nursery and down the hall. By the time they reached her room, she was naked except for her white cotton underwear. Caden had gotten out of his boots. She had taken care of his belt. As she backed up to her mattress, she pulled his navy firefighter T-shirt off over his head, a whoosh of fabric, a release of body heat.
Caden pushed her down firmly to lie on her back, and for once, she had no desire to get up. He stayed standing to pull out a foil square and drop the rest of his wallet on the floor, like the useless thing it was in a moment like this. Then he shoved his uniform slacks all the way off.
She pushed herself up on her elbows, wanting to see more of him. Instead, their gazes met and held, brown eyes into blue. He stood over her confidently, gloriously nude, and sheathed himself.
Time stopped for a breath as they looked at one another.
Then he was on her, pushing her up the mattress to where he wanted her, kissing and tonguing his way over her breasts and down her stomach, taking big, greedy mouthfuls of her body. It was so wanton, so uninhibited, it was hard to believe she could have conceived a child with the tepid sex she’d had before.
But she had conceived a child. She felt a flash of fear, a flush of guilt—she shouldn’t do this, the baby was more important than her love life—but she could do this, as long as Caden became the ex-boyfriend that he’d described during a waltz. He just had to.
“You have to promise me something,” she gasped.
“Yes.”
He pulled her underwear over her hips, down her thighs, backing up on the mattress as he did, so that he could follow the cotton with kisses on her hip, her inner thigh, the side of her calf, all the way down the legs he found so sexy. He dropped her underwear on the floor, then his hand circled her ankle. He caressed his way back up her leg, smoothing his hands over all the skin he had kissed, until he was above her once more, his chest and arms beautifully braced as he looked her over from her head to her toes. The way the corner of his mouth cocked into a half smile meant he liked what he saw.
She was burning for him. As long as the baby was still loved when the passion cooled—
“Promise me,” she panted.
“Anything.”
Caden shifted all his weight to his left arm, so he could reach down with his right to take her ankle and wrap her leg around his waist. She felt the smooth, hard heat of him, pressing where she was so ready to have him.
“Promise.”
“I promise,” he said, and he sank into her body.
She wrapped both legs around him and held on all night.
* * *
Caden lay on his back, looking at the ceiling of Tana’s bedroom as the morning light turned it from gray to white.
He’d never been playing, not once, not ever. But last night, she’d been his playmate, and the games they’d played had been intimate. Turn all the lights on, I want to see you. Close your eyes, guess where I’ll touch you next. Turn the lights off. Touch me everywhere.
He’d made love to the woman of his dreams. She would be his forever, the mother of his children. She’d want more babies, since she’d gone to all the trouble of artificial insemination to have her first. But every one of Sterling’s brothers or sisters would be born in a hospital or birthing center, not in a truck, so help him God. They’d watch those children grow up and have their own children. Tana would be the sweetheart Caden held hands with until the day he died.
But right now, he didn’t know what to say to her.
He couldn’t propose. Less than twelve hours ago, she’d been surprised that he wanted to be more than just friends.
She rolled onto her back with a rustle of sheets, and sighed. He couldn’t see much of her face, not when she was using his shoulder as her pillow.
“Are you okay?” He picked his head up to look at her, but mostly he saw the tip of her nose.
“With what?” She sounded a little apprehensive.
“It might have been too much, after… We probably should have taken it easy the first night… I mean, it’s been a while for you, after the baby and all.” After they’d used his one condom, she’d opened a drawer and taken out a box, and the games had begun.
“I think we established that everything’s in working order.” She sounded like she was smiling now. “In fact, I feel fantastic.”
“I think you feel fantastic, too.”
“You’re very funny.”
He smiled into her hair as he kissed the top of her head. “It’s been a while for me, too. After the baby and all.”
He felt her go still in his arms.
“I dated a little, this past year,” he said. “But I figured it wasn’t fair for a man to take a woman to bed, when he’d only be wishing she was someone else.”
I love you. We’re going to marry and have a family and grow old together.
Tana propped herself up on her elbow. Her expression was thoughtful as she ran her fingertips over his eyebrow, down his nose and caressed his lips. Then she looked at him through her lashes, her brown eyes mischievous and flirty, now that she didn’t have to try to stop herself from flirting with him.
And we’re going to have a whole lot of fun while we’re at it.
She feigned a concerned expression. “Are you okay? Did I wear you out?”
“I’ll keep up with you, somehow. There are times in a man’s life when he just has to cowboy up.”
She liked that, grinning as she settled onto him, soft breasts against his chest. “Honestly, I’ve never lost my mind like that before. Never. Last night was…intense.”
Well, damn. Here he was, trying to appreciate how sacred and special sex was with Tana, and then she went and said a thing like that. He tucked one arm behind his head, as cocky and smug as a man could feel. “I lost my mind, too. I know you made me promise you something, at the very beginning. Tell me again what it was.”
She struggled to keep her grin in place. He saw it, right before she turned to lay her cheek on his chest. “I might not have gotten around to any specifics. It doesn’t matter.”
He frowned a little. “There’s not a whole lot that’s going to embarrass me or scare me away. You can tell me. What promise did you want from me?”
“You’ll do it, anyway. I know you will.”
“That’s mighty comforting, but tell me, so I’ll know when I’m doing it.”
She was silent.
“Tana.”
She sighed. “Fine. Do you remember when we were dancing, and I told you there was nothing a man could do for me now that I was pregnant? You gave me a whole list of things you’d do for the mother of your child, even if you two were no longer in love.”
“I remember.”
“I thought that you’d be the perfect ex-boyfriend. I wished you were my ex-boyfriend.”
He could only see the top of her head as she rested on his chest, toying with his arm, running her fingers up and over the curve of his bicep.
“Now that we’re sleeping together, I’ll get my wish, sooner or later. I don’t want Sterling to be hurt. I know he’s not your son, but he’s attached to you. I wanted you to promise that you’ll still see him sometimes, because he’ll miss you an awful lot. I’m not worried, though. I know you’ll still be good to him, when you and I are no longer sleeping together.”
What the hell?
He rolled her over, pinning her so they were face-to-face, blue eyes into brown. “No longer sleeping together? Is that what you think this is? Some kind of occasional friends-with-benefits crap until we find other people? Tana, damn it, I love you.”
“Oh.”
He hadn’t meant to say it quite that way, but it was out now. “I love you. I have loved you for a long time. We’re not sleeping together. We are together.”
“I’m talking about the future, when you’re not in love with me. I know you’ll need to leave me. I just don’t want you to leave my baby.”
He couldn’t speak.
“Not too abruptly, at least, for his sake.” She patted his arm in a soothing way. “That’s all.”
Caden shifted positions to brace himself on his forearms and hold her head in his hands, so he could study her face. So he could understand her, and she could understand him. “Nobody is leaving anyone. I already promised not to leave you. Haven’t you noticed that I never leave, not until you tell me it’s okay with you?”
She looked up at him with her eyes wide, looking more shocked than anything else. How could this be news to her?
“You were in labor when I made that promise. Maybe that’s why you don’t remember. I’m not leaving you, not if you want me to stay, and I’m not leaving Sterling.”
“I remember. That’s why this is okay. If you wouldn’t leave the baby then, you won’t leave him even when you’re my ex.”
It hit Caden in the heart. She believed that he could love the baby, but she didn’t think he could love her.
“Tana, sweetheart. The baby hadn’t been born yet. I had no idea what loving a baby would feel like. I held your hand, and we drove toward that hospital, and I promised you I wouldn’t leave you, because I already knew what being in love with you felt like.”
“You loved me when I was waddling around the diner’s parking lot?” She sounded skeptical.
“I did. I was trying so hard not to, but I did. In the truck, you cried because you didn’t have someone in your life who could be by your side. I decided to be that friend for you then, because I already loved you then. When you love someone, you want them to have what they need.”
She began to touch him, trailing her fingers up his side, down to his hip. “In that case, you should tell me what you need.”
He touched his nose to hers in relief. “I need you in my life. It’s as simple as that.”
She smiled. It started small, even shy, but she ended up beaming at him.
Through the open bedroom door, Sterling’s cry carried clearly.
“He’s awake.” Tana wrinkled her nose. “At least it’s easy to guess what he needs.”
She put on the blue satin robe that Ruby had given her as a baby gift. He pulled on his boxers, and they walked into the oasis of the baby’s room, together.
“Everything’s good,” Caden said.
She nodded. “Everything’s good.”
* * *
The baby in the high chair didn’t think anything was good.
Tana was working late, holding a team meeting after practice. That wouldn’t normally make Sterling grumpy, not if Caden was with him.
After Tana had left for work, Caden had taken the baby to a couple of stores. He’d bought a high-speed jogging stroller in the first store, a diamond ring in the second. He didn’t know when he’d offer Tana the ring. They’d moved from just-friends to lovers only last night, but Caden was going to have the stroller ready to surprise her this evening.
At least, that had been the plan. He’d started putting it together, assuming Sterling would be happy to scoot around on a blanket next to him, having some tummy time. Not tonight.
Caden offered him a spoonful of baby oatmeal. Sterling clamped his little lips together and turned his head. It was amazing how stubborn a seventeen-pound baby could be.
“Okay, let’s switch it up here, little fella.”
Applesauce met oatmeal’s fate.
Caden let Sterling hold the empty spoon, but even waving that around didn’t satisfy the baby for long. He squirmed in his high chair, fussing and unhappy.
“Let’s mop you up, then we’ll go for a bottle. You need to have a nice, full belly, so you’ll sleep tight tonight. Your mommy will be home soon, and she and I need a chance to…work on our relationship. I’ll explain it when you’re older.”
It hit Caden that he would be there when Sterling was older, and he actually would have to explain the birds and bees to him. For the first time, he imagined it from a parent’s perspective. How had his dad done it with a straight face?
Sterling objected with a little baby yell and a fierce frown.
“No, I’m not going to tell you now. You don’t want me to, trust me. It’s going to gross you out to find out how your parents make babies. Sorry about that, in advance.”
The doorbell rang just as Caden put a toy on the high chair tray, hoping to buy a little time to warm up a bottle. Since the high chair was at the dining room table, Caden could keep an eye on Sterling as he opened the door.
A man stood there, obviously surprised to see him.
Caden didn’t know him. He was around his age, dressed in hiking or outdoor-adventure clothes, although they looked pristine. The brand name was prominent.
“Who are you?” the man demanded.
“Apparently, I’m not who you were expecting. Wrong apartment.” Caden started to close the door.
The man slapped his palm on it. “Hang on.”
Caden switched gears in an instant, squaring off against the man, blocking him from coming in the door. Who the hell did this guy think he was?
“Where’s Tana? Montana McKenna? She does still live here, doesn’t she?” He craned his neck to see past Caden. “Yeah, that’s her couch. Come on, man. Let me in.”
Caden didn’t budge. “Who are you?”
“You’re shacking up with her now, aren’t you?” The man held up his hands in mocking surrender. “More power to you. I’m only here to see the baby.”
“You mean Steven?”
Yeah, the wrong name was a test.
The man looked surprised. “That’s a boy’s name, right? It was a boy. Good.”
Fail.
The man drew himself up tall. He still wasn’t tall enough to look down his nose at Caden, but he sneered, anyway. “I’m Steven’s father.”
Caden knew better. What was this guy’s angle?
The baby chose that moment to throw his toy and kick his chair, crying because he’d lost Caden’s attention.
The man craned his neck again. “Is that him? Let me in. I want to see my kid.” He tried to shove his way into the apartment.
Caden stiff-armed him, smacking his palm against the man’s chest. No stranger was going to get near Sterling, full stop.
“Does he look like me?”
Caden was incredulous at the man’s audacity, but one possibility explained it. Caden had assumed fertility clinics had airtight privacy policies. Maybe not.
He shoved the man back a step, out into the hall. “Are you the sperm donor?”
“Sperm donor, my ass. Tana and I lived together in Houston. I’m the baby’s father.”