Back in the days when I was a college professor, I taught neuropsychology. My students learned how the various parts of the brain control human behavior. I would begin the course by holding up an adult male brain and an adult female brain and ask the class if they noticed any differences. There was always overwhelming agreement that the brains didn’t look at all the same. The male brain was bigger and lumpier than the female brain.
Then, as I dissected the two brains, I would show the class that they were not only different on the surface, but they were also different inside. The corpus callosum, a band of fibers that connects the two hemispheres, is much larger in the female brain, even though the brain itself is smaller. This greater interconnection between hemispheres may explain why women tend to take more information into account when making decisions than men do.
The inferior-parietal lobule is proportionately larger in the male brain, especially on the left hemisphere. This area of the brain was found to be abnormally large in Albert Einstein’s brain and is associated with mathematical ability. Is this why more men than women tend to excel in mathematics?
Two language-associated structures, the superior temporal gyrus and the inferior frontal gyrus, are proportionately larger in the female brain. Is there any question that women tend to communicate more effectively than men?
The parietal region of the brain is thicker in the female brain. It’s been suggested that such thickness inhibits a woman’s ability to mentally rotate objects, thus giving men an advantage in understanding spatial relationships.
Beyond this host of visually identifiable differences, there are even more biochemical differences. For example, consider the contrasting ways in which estrogen in a female brain and testosterone in a male brain affect the hormone oxytocin, which has a calming influence and is released during stress. Estrogen enhances oxytocin’s effect while testosterone reduces its effect. It’s been suggested that this difference causes women to take care of themselves and their children under stress while men tend to have a fight or flight response.
How all these differences in the brains of men and woman actually affect behavior is still controversial. But the fact that there are important differences is clear. The overall physical differences that we all see in female and male bodies are also found in their brains—and in the way they think.
Years of counseling experience has led me to believe that those differences help men and women make the wisest decisions in life when they respect those differences. When those differences are not respected, they create conflict and turmoil.
Men and Women Need Each Other’s Perspective
The differences in the structure and internal chemistry of human male and female brains affect the way they think. So it should be no surprise to anyone that men and women come to different conclusions about a wide variety of issues.
Throughout recorded history, because men are physically stronger than women and therefore have been able to dominate them, a man’s perspective has been regarded as correct (by men) and a woman’s perspective as inferior. Until recently, even most women have accepted that interpretation of their judgment.
Just think about it for a moment. Why were women not allowed to vote or hold public office here in America until 1920? It’s because the men who were in charge didn’t think that women had sufficient wisdom. Their evidence was that women often didn’t agree with their conclusions. And at the time, most women didn’t seem to object to that characterization.
But that’s no longer the case. We now know with certainty that women, on average, are just as smart as men. The two simply have somewhat different perspectives. In marriage, those differing perspectives often lead to conflict. And if a couple doesn’t know how to come to an agreement with each other without one running over the other, conflicts lead to fights rather than to resolution. The result has been that spouses in most marriages grow apart, lose their romantic love for each other, and either live independently of each other or divorce.
It doesn’t have to turn out that way, though. Husbands and wives can resolve conflicts the right way—with enthusiastic agreement. And the solutions they find as a result are far wiser than those originally considered by either spouse alone. Their differences in perspective complement each other to create a more complete understanding of the problems we all face in life. In other words, their joint agreement is the best resolution to their conflicts.
But there is an important caveat—they must hold each other’s perspective in the highest regard. They must each assume that they don’t have all of the answers and that their individual perspective may be somewhat flawed. They must value each other’s point of view as an essential piece of the puzzle. They must understand that mutual enthusiastic agreement is the only goal to conflict resolution that makes sense in marriage.
It’s the differences in the way men and women think that make them perfect partners in life. They need each other’s brains. The biggest mistake a couple can make is to view their differing perspectives with contempt and condescension. To joke about the way men and women view life differently is to ignore their most valuable asset—their differences. And it’s equally important for a couple to avoid the temptation to ignore their own perspective for the sake of the other.
Why Giving In Isn’t the Best Way to Care for Each Other
Most men and women know that they need each other in a host of ways: physically, emotionally, and intellectually. That dependence helps create an instinctive willingness to care for and protect each other that goes far beyond the way they treat same-sex relationships.
After speaking to a group of young mothers recently, I was asked this question: My husband frequently “gives in” and lets me have my way, but I know that he’s not really on board with it. I like when I get my way, but don’t always feel good about it afterward. How do I get him to open up to me more about how he really feels?
This woman’s husband may have agreed to do what made her happy because he cared about her and wanted her to be happy. She probably does the same for him every once in a while. They both had an instinct to care for each other at all costs, even if the cost is their own happiness.
But she was aware of a problem that this mutual care created for them. She liked to have her way, but deep down she knew that was not how they should be resolving conflicts.
Notice how she expressed her concern: she wanted him to “open up” so she could “know more about how he really feels.” In other words, their discussions never really got down to their differences in perspective. Instead, she’d express what she wanted and he’d either deny her request or go along with it. What she really wanted, though, was a meeting of the minds—two entirely different minds.
When a choice is to be made in my marriage, my instinct often tells me, If I really care about Joyce, I’ll give her whatever she wants. And the more I’m willing to sacrifice my own pleasure for hers, the more caring I am. And yet, I know that the wisest choices we can make are those that take both of our perspectives into account. They are equally valuable. So if I deny Joyce my perspective, I’m limiting our joint wisdom.
By simply giving his wife what she wanted without expressing his opinion, the husband of this young mother was depriving her of valuable information, and that made her feel very uncomfortable. It was more important to her to understand her husband than it was to get her way.
In marriage, a man and a woman should become a new entity, functioning not as two individuals but as a team. They should learn to plan together and to carry out that plan together. Having a cooperative and caring life partner gives us a great advantage over anything we could have been as an individual. And we’re much wiser than we could have ever been on our own. But it takes skill to work as a team—negotiating skill.