The apostle Paul wrote concerning sex, “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent” (1 Cor. 7:5). While the Policy of Joint Agreement that I’ve been recommending requires that you both enthusiastically agree before you have sex, Paul is saying that spouses should have sex unless they both agree not to do it. Later in the passage, knowing that the issue is complicated, he lets the reader know that it’s a suggestion, not a command. His readers, especially women, heave a great sigh of relief when they come to that escape clause.
I fully understand Paul’s dilemma. He knew that sex was very important in marriage and spouses should be encouraged to have a rich and fulfilling sexual relationship with each other. But trying to have sex on demand has its problems.
Frequent and fulfilling sex in marriage is as common a problem today as it was two thousand years ago. And as is the case with most ageless problems, the issue is definitely complicated. But from the perspective of many spouses, mostly men, it shouldn’t be that way. What’s complicated about a man and woman enjoying sex with each other?
At the time of marriage, most spouses, men and women both, consider frequent and fulfilling sex with each other to be one of the God-given benefits of marriage. But as time passes, men usually discover that their wives are not quite as interested in sex as they are. And the longer they’re married the less interested their wives become. As sex becomes less and less frequent, husbands become more and more frustrated and disappointed. What had seemed almost effortless now becomes almost impossible. Men find that they don’t know how to persuade their wives to get back to being the great lovers that they once were. With this issue, they lack negotiating skill.
If you find yourself in that position, and you simply can’t seem to discuss the subject with your spouse, or your discussions get you nowhere, I’ll show you how what you’re learning in this book can be applied to conflicts over sex.
Can You Discuss the Issue Safely and Cheerfully?
Sex is such an emotional need that calm and respectful discussion can be very difficult to achieve. I sometimes use an analogy of a thirsty man to illustrate a husband’s frustration with his wife’s sexual reluctance. It’s as if he’s unable to reach water while his wife can easily bring it to him if she’s willing. She explains that she’s too tired or not in the mood as he is becoming increasingly thirsty. But instead of negotiating with her, he makes demands: Bring me some water right now! When that doesn’t work, he is disrespectful: What a poor excuse for a wife you’ve turned out to be! Then, as his frustration mounts, he loses his temper and starts to yell obscenities.
On the one hand, you can understand that the position he’s in can be infuriating, but the methods he’s using will not lead to her cooperation. They will drive her away. Instead of trying to help him, she’ll avoid him. The same principle applies to getting the sex he needs. If he wants her to become a more fulfilling sex partner, he must make his discussion with her safe and pleasant.
The discussion itself should begin with a request for a change in how often or in the way you make love. After the request is on the table, you then each have an opportunity to explain your perspective on the issue to find a way to meet the request with mutual enthusiasm. Are there any differences that must be taken into account when trying to find an enthusiastic agreement?
I suggest that you begin your inquiry with a question. The answer to that question will help guide you toward a resolution to almost any conflict over sex. The question is: Why should we have sex?
Why Should We Have Sex?
Men usually experience a craving for sex that builds over a few days, or for younger men over a few hours, after their last sexual release. Masturbation relieves that craving to some extent, but a sexual encounter with a woman is usually the most fulfilling. So for most men, their answer to the question “Why should we have sex?” is that sex is necessary to relieve their sexual craving. I call what most men do to gain that relief a “sexual act.”
Women, on the other hand, don’t usually experience the same sexual craving that men do. At least, it’s not nearly as often. So for them, sex usually has a much different purpose. It’s usually a small part of a larger whole that helps them create intimacy with the man they love. For most women, the answer to the question “Why should we have sex?” is that sex is necessary for emotional bonding that builds on affection and intimate conversation. I call what most women do to achieve that objective a “sexual event.”
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that husbands and wives consider the purpose of sex to be entirely one way or the other. There’s usually a blend of motives as men also want sex for emotional bonding and women want relief for their sexual craving. But what I’m saying here is that the primary motives of husbands and wives to engage in sex with each other are usually very different.
The hormone testosterone helps explain why men view the purpose of sex as a release from a craving. This hormone, which is in abundance for most men and sadly (from the perspective of most men) in short supply for most women, creates their sexual craving. Women find that when they are administered the same amount of testosterone as is found in most nineteen-year-old men, they, too, tend to have a craving for sex, and find themselves searching for sexual relief as often as men.
As with men, there are probably physiological reasons for a woman’s perspective regarding the necessity for sex. Hormones and neural pathways unique to women probably account for a woman’s need for the intimacy that sex can provide. But whatever those physiological reasons are, they don’t seem to motivate women to have sex as frequently as most men would like.
Procreation, of course, is the ultimate reason for sex. The physiology of both men and women unconsciously motivates them to have sex with each other to perpetuate their species. Sometimes that purpose can be conscious, and they deliberately engage in sex to have a child. But that is not the usual reason that husbands and wives give for having sex. And those reasons motivate them to have sex even when they have no ability or desire to procreate.
How Should We Have Sex?
In your effort to respectfully gather relevant information on each other’s perspective regarding sex, the next question you should discuss is “How should we have sex?” The answer to that question depends mightily on the answer to the first question, “Why should we have sex?”
If left to their own devices, most men would choose a method of sex that reflects their purpose, which is to satisfy a craving that they experience far more intensely and far more often than their wives. They would initiate a sex act by doing what it takes to create sexual arousal for themselves. For most men, looking at and feeling their wife’s body, especially breasts, buttocks, and crotch, usually works best. The most convenient time for this sex act is while their wives are in bed with them before going to sleep or upon awakening. The sex act itself usually involves intercourse, but many men prefer oral sex because they find it to be quicker and more intense.
Again, don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that all husbands behave this way or even think this way. I’m merely saying that without any resistance or direction from their wives, it makes sense for most men to have marital sex frequently and in the most stimulating way possible. So in your discussion, be completely honest about your instincts. Tell your wife what would please you the most if she were not to object.
Based on a wife’s perspective that sex should be a bonding experience that builds on affection and intimate conversation, she would have a much different answer to the question “How should we have sex?” She would want sex to be part of a much larger romantic experience. Dining, dancing, and moonlit walks, all generously infused with expressions of care, are examples of the foreplay that would lead her to a fulfilling sexual experience. Technically, if he does just about anything to demonstrate his care for her, like washing and drying the dishes after dinner so she can take it easy for a while, she might be willing to make love. But since all women are different, and I certainly can’t speak for you, give your husband an honest answer that would reflect your most preferred way to make love to him.
By the time you reach this stage of negotiation with each other, your differing perspectives on how you should have sex with each other will help you understand why you’ve been having conflicts over sex. I think you will be able to demonstrate my point that sex is usually a singular “act” for the husband and usually a much larger “event” for the wife.
With such a wide difference in perspective, how can a husband and wife be expected to reach an enthusiastic agreement regarding how and how often they will make love? Having sex his way makes her feel like a receptacle—something he uses to merely relieve his sexual craving. Having sex her way makes him feel that she is imposing conditions that make the frequent sex he needs essentially impossible for him.
At the risk of being annoyingly redundant, bear in mind that I know that both husbands and wives look for sexual release and intimacy when they make love. In fact, there are some men who crave intimacy more than their wives, and some wives who crave sexual release more than their husbands. But I think it’s useful to know that there is usually a significant difference between husbands and wives regarding the primary purpose of sex, and how sex should be expressed. Once that difference is understood, you’re in a position to find a way to increase sexual frequency with mutual enthusiastic agreement.
How to Make Love More Often and More Passionately
After you have each other’s answers to questions of why and how you and your spouse should have sex, you’re ready to brainstorm resolutions to the issue that’s been raised. Assuming the issue has something to do with increasing sexual frequency and/or improving sexual satisfaction, I generally recommend that a couple think of ways that they can turn sexual acts into sexual events.
In my book His Needs, Her Needs, I begin my chapter on affection with the observation that when a man creates an environment of affection (affection throughout the day), he creates the conditions that make sex an event for her. Intimate conversation is also included in this observation. If his ongoing affection and conversation help her feel bonded to him emotionally, sex adds an important dimension to her feeling of intimacy.
An assignment that I have often given couples who struggle with the issue of sexual frequency is for them to engage in three hours of affection and intimate conversation before having sex. Most men who have not learned to create an environment of affection for their wives feel at first that it’s too much work just to have sex because they’re not in the habit of meeting her emotional needs. But after they practice doing it for a while and get the hang of it, they find themselves being affectionate and conversant almost effortlessly. It turns out not to be work at all. Instead of thinking of it as a requirement for sex, they consider it to be essential to their relationship.
When a husband meets his wife’s needs for affection and intimate conversation, she finds it much easier to meet his need for sexual fulfillment. Of course, the converse is also true. The more she meets his need for sexual fulfillment, the easier it is for him to meet her emotional needs for affection and intimate conversation.
I’ve written a rule for couples that helps them make massive Love Bank deposits. It also helps them turn sexual acts into sexual events. I call it the Policy of Undivided Attention: Give your spouse your undivided attention a minimum of fifteen hours each week, using the time to meet each other’s emotional needs for affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship. Couples who follow this rule are able to increase their frequency of lovemaking with enthusiastic agreement because sex becomes fulfilling for both husband and wife. They usually plan a four-hour date four times a week where all four emotional needs are met on each date. You’ll find more information on how to be mutually enthusiastic about the way you make love in my book His Needs, Her Needs (chapter 4—Sexual Fulfillment).
Special Problems with Sex
Making love to someone for whom you care deeply and who cares deeply for you is one of life’s most enjoyable and fulfilling experiences. But many spouses, especially wives, find that what should be enjoyable turns into a nightmare. In the beginning of their marriage, a husband’s perspective on sex overrules her perspective, and so he forces her to have sex with him on his terms. Complying with his demands, she associates sex with a demeaning and sometimes painful experience. Instead of a way to express his love for her, sex becomes one of his most selfish acts. Eventually, it becomes the last thing she wants to do with her husband. She has developed an aversion to sex.
In those cases, I help a wife overcome her sexual aversion before encouraging her to have sex with her husband. In my Q&A column, “How to Overcome Sexual Aversion,” at the MarriageBuilders.com website, I describe the method I use to help a wife overcome an aversion to sex. It involves associating sex with love and comfort instead of selfishness and fear. After the aversion is overcome, her husband learns to make love to her in a way that expresses his care for her, rather than only his craving. Affection and intimate conversation usually provide the environment, followed by a personally satisfying sequence of touching that helps trigger sexual arousal for her. She also discovers positions and movements that create the most intense pleasure for her. After her husband learns how to make love to her in a way that is sexually and emotionally enjoyable for her, she is in a position to negotiate with him about having sex more often.
A related problem some women experience is pain during intercourse caused by vaginismus, a muscle spasm that closes the opening to the vagina. A yeast infection is usually the original culprit, but there are a host of other possible causes as well. The trick to overcoming this condition is to gently stimulate the vaginal opening without triggering the reflex. Daily exercises that slowly introduce ever-larger amply lubricated objects to the opening usually solve the problem within a few weeks. I offer a more detailed description of this recommended method in my article “How to Overcome Pain during Intercourse” in the Q&A section of the MarriageBuilders.com website.
If you try to have intercourse with pain, it will only make matters worse. It strengthens the painful muscle reflex until it becomes impossible to tolerate. On the other hand, even if you experience vaginismus occasionally, when your lovemaking always follows the Policy of Joint Agreement you will be able to overcome it the right way. Thoughtfulness is the solution to most marital problems.
Yet another problem faced by couples trying to resolve sexual conflicts is their tendency to fight. A point often made by wives is that the time taken for affection and conversation can be ruined by an argument. It’s the opposite of affection and intimate conversation. While that sounds logical to most women, men often don’t seem to get it. They expect their wives to be sexually receptive regardless of what went on before, because they would feel that way. An argument doesn’t necessarily lower a man’s sex drive, but it certainly creates enough emotional distance for a woman to crush her desire for a bonding experience. I’ve been writing for years that arguing in marriage should be avoided at all costs. But that’s especially true if you want to make love more often.
Every marriage is unique, so some of what I’ve written may not apply to you. Sometimes it’s the wife who wants to make love more often. In this case a husband may have lost his craving for sex due to lower testosterone levels. The solution to that problem is to see his physician for a testosterone supplement. Or it may be that his wife has made sex so unpleasant for him that he has developed an aversion. The recommendation I make for wives with an aversion to sex also works for husbands.
Sexual inexperience can also create sexual conflicts in marriage. For a couple, or even just one spouse, to enter marriage without knowing how to have a sexual experience complete with all five stages (willingness, arousal, plateau, climax, and recovery) can create a honeymoon disaster. The worksheets in Five Steps to Romantic Love can help a couple gain the experience they need to fully understand their own and each other’s sexual responses. It’s an understanding that’s absolutely necessary for marriage.
When I suggested sexual training to a couple recently, the wife responded by saying that she didn’t want to be part of a “science experiment.” She felt that if a couple were right for each other, they shouldn’t have to learn to enjoy sex with each other—it should just happen naturally. In one sense, she has a point. A couple in love finds that their sexual responsiveness toward each other is so greatly enhanced that they don’t have to do much to trigger every stage of the sexual experience. But when one or both spouses loses that feeling of love, understanding their sexual response so that they can create it with each other almost at will gives them a great advantage in being able to restore their love. Having a fulfilling sexual experience with each other is one of the best ways to make massive Love Bank deposits.
_____
I want you to have what you need in your marriage. And I’m sure that you want to give each other what you need. The only thing standing in your way is failure to understand and respect each other’s perspective whenever a conflict arises. The recognition that your perspectives complement each other—they both contain some truth that should be addressed in a final enthusiastic resolution—helps you see solutions that go beyond what either of you would have found on your own. Together you make wiser choices and meet each other’s needs in a much more fulfilling way. You’ll find that when you make love in a way that addresses both of your reasons for having sex, you will be completely fulfilled by it.
Consider This . . .