As a clinical psychologist, I have been trained to help people who are suffering from depression. These are people who experience very little joy in life, and plenty of sorrow. They have great difficulty finding anything to be enthusiastic about. Does that describe the way you or your spouse feels? If so, would that rule you out of marital negotiation?
My requirement of “enthusiastic” agreement in marriage is, in part, to discourage “reluctant” agreement. I don’t want couples to settle for lifestyle choices in which one spouse feels pressured or obligated to agree. When that happens, even though there is agreement, it’s not actually a win-win outcome. I want couples to hold out for choices that will give them mutual happiness. Those are the choices that make the most Love Bank deposits. Win-win decisions help a couple stay in love.
But they do something else that clinical psychologists have observed: they keep people from being depressed. The more decisions a person makes that are clearly in their own interest, the happier they tend to be (as long as they are not at the expense of others). When they make reluctant decisions, they tend to be depressed.
So I’ve witnessed a pattern when it comes to marital negotiation. When reluctant agreement is accepted as an outcome, at least one spouse often ends up feeling depressed, incapable of being enthusiastic about much. And when a spouse is depressed, reluctant agreement seems to be their only option since they don’t feel enthusiastic about anything very often.
How should a couple go about breaking that pattern?
Before I answer that question, let me offer you a short clinical course on depression.
I’ll begin with a definition: depression is the feeling of sadness usually due to a sense of irretrievable loss. A depressed person feels incapable of ever being happy because they’ve lost what would have given them fulfillment. Happiness seems unattainable to them without it.
Some examples of depression due to irretrievable loss are reasonable. The death of a loved one is a common example. Health problems that are expected to lead to a painful death are another. An example in the realm of marriage is depression due to an affair. Even if the unfaithful spouse ends the affair and wants to restore the marriage, the betrayed spouse often feels that their loss of trust in the unfaithful spouse is irretrievable. And without trust they can never be happily married again.
And yet, even in cases where a loss is catastrophic, most people find happiness in something else. In other words, depression is rarely permanent. People often overcome their feeling of depression and go on to be happy.
There is an element of truth and an element of irrationality in people who are depressed. It’s true that they may have lost something that gave them happiness, but it’s not true that they cannot be happy again without it. And that brings us to my next point: the two types of depression—endogenous and situational. Endogenous depression has a physiological cause with little or no clear rational basis. There doesn’t appear to be any real loss. Situational depression, on the other hand, is due primarily to lifestyle factors, where the loss is quite apparent.
Almost all of the cases of depression I’ve treated during my career have been primarily situational. When I discover the lifestyle conditions that cause depression, and help change those conditions to my client’s advantage, the depression usually disappears.
But I am also aware of the physiology of depression—the endogenous factor. A loss tends to trigger neurophysiological events that make matters worse. They create the feeling of depression that makes a person feel helpless to find solutions to their problems. So I usually recommend that a depressed person take antidepressant medication to counter these unproductive neurophysiological reactions. That helps them feel more optimistic about changes they need to make in their lifestyle, and it helps them make those changes.
Without antidepressant medication, people who tend to be depressed also tend to make reluctant decisions that help sustain their depressing lifestyle. No sooner do I help them remove an unpleasant lifestyle condition and replace it with something better than they make a decision that causes some new unpleasant condition to enter their life. The solution to their problem is to avoid making reluctant decisions altogether, and try to make as many enthusiastic decisions as possible. But while depressed, they don’t believe that those alternatives exist.
As I mentioned, it’s a pattern that is very self-defeating. If you don’t believe that you can be enthusiastic about anything, you’ll tend to settle for reluctant agreements that will tend to make you depressed. If you’re depressed you believe that you can’t be enthusiastic about anything.
What Now?
So how does this analysis apply to the question: How should a couple negotiate when at least one spouse is not enthusiastic about much?
First, if you’re not enthusiastic about much, it’s very likely that you’re clinically depressed. Depression is the most common mental disorder, and treatment for depression is usually very successful. So you should be evaluated by a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in treating depression. If the therapist is qualified, he or she will encourage you to take an antidepressant medication to help you feel more optimistic about making positive changes in your lifestyle. Then the therapist will work with you to help make those changes. When the changes are in place, you will no longer need to take the medicine because your depression will have lifted.
Second, after you have overcome depression, you should try to make all new lifestyle decisions using the POJA. Since you will be more optimistic about finding win-win resolutions to the conflicts you face in your marriage, and you will be more creative as a result, you will be successful.
Consider for a moment how your depression has been affecting your Love Bank. Since it causes you to feel bad most of the time, your spouse’s best efforts to meet your needs will not make Love Bank deposits. In other words, your depression will make you almost incapable of being in love with him or her. The success of your marriage depends on your ability to be happy—enthusiastic about the way you are living. So if you have been suffering from chronic depression, do yourself and your spouse a huge favor and be treated by a professional therapist.