Tanner watched Keira leave, his own emotions in turmoil as his stepmother’s words rang like a hammer through his head.
David had wanted to marry Keira? She hadn’t told him any of that. Though she had asked for a moment alone, he couldn’t stop from pushing his chair back to follow her. To find out more.
“I’m sorry for what I said,” Alice said to Ellen and Monty, thankfully acknowledging how inappropriate her previous comments were. “I’m feeling too emotional right now.”
Tanner looked back, still feeling torn.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like a word with Tanner?” Alice continued, getting up from the table.
It was the pleading tone in her voice that drew his attention away from Keira, walking down the hallway away from him, back to his stepmother.
“I need to talk to you,” Alice continued. “As soon as possible.”
Tanner felt torn, but knew he had to give Keira the space she asked for. He would talk to her later.
Alice looked to Ellen and Monty and laid a gentle hand on Ellen’s shoulder. “Again, I’m sorry, but I need to talk to Tanner in private. I’ll take care of the dishes when I come back. Please, don’t do any of it.”
“Don’t worry about the cleanup,” Ellen said. “You do what you need to do.”
It wasn’t hard to hear the strained note in Ellen’s voice, and Tanner understood where she was coming from. He was still trying to absorb the shock of what Alice had just dumped on them. He could only imagine what was going through Monty’s and Ellen’s minds.
“Use my office,” Monty said, getting up from the table. “You can talk in private there.”
Alice nodded at his gracious offer and, without a backward glance at Tanner to see if he was following, walked in the opposite direction Keira had gone, to the room just off the living room.
Tanner headed after her and closed the door of Monty’s office behind him, leaning against it as if to support himself. Alice stopped by the desk, her hands woven together.
“Did David really want to marry Keira?” was the first thing out of his mouth as his mother turned to face him.
“He loved her,” was all Alice said, taking on the melancholy tone that was her default emotion whenever she talked of David. “When they dated, it was all he talked about. How he wanted to make Keira his wife and live on the ranch.”
Tanner fisted his hands to keep his emotions in check. He had a hard time believing his stepmother and yet his thoughts shifted to the confession Keira had made about dating David after she broke up with him.
Had something more happened between her and David that would make his brother hope they would get married?
He tried to dismiss the idea but it clung, pernicious and evil as his thoughts rushed backward. How David had changed after that summer Keira left. How despondent he had become. How much more he started to drink.
“Another thing we need to talk about is Keira.”
Alice’s voice came from a faraway place and Tanner blinked, trying to bring himself from past into present.
“What do you mean, talk about Keira?”
“I know you and Keira have a history. But I hope you don’t let her distract you. When you told me that you were dedicating this season to David, it felt right. Going to the National Finals was a dream of David’s from the first moment Cyrus put him in a saddle. He came so close the year...the year he died.” Alice released a heavy sigh and leaned back against Monty’s desk, her hand resting on the edge, as if the weight of the memories was too much for her to hold up on her own. “To hear you say that you want to finish what your brother started means the world to me. I’m so sorry for what I said about you not being man that David was. I was hurt and angry. It bothered...bothers me to see you with Keira, that was why I got upset and said what I did. I need you to know that I’m proud of what you’re doing in memory of David.”
She wasn’t his mother and had made that fairly clear from an early age. But to hear her say she was proud of him created an unexpected lightness. For the first time in many years he dared nurture a faint hope that she might see him as more than a stepson.
“Thank you.” He chose to ignore her comment about Keira. That could be dealt with another time.
“But in order to finish what you start, you need to stay focused,” Alice continued, her eyes now blazing with intensity. “You’re close. I know you are. I checked the standings and you’re very high. But you can’t let Keira distract you.”
Resentment flashed through him both at how proprietary she had become with something she had found out only a couple of weeks ago and how she presumed to tell him what to do about Keira. “I know what I need to do,” he said, his tone careful and measured, trying not to let her pressure get to him.
“That’s good. And I think you know that David would be proud of you, too.” She smiled, satisfied as she pushed away from the desk. As if her job was done.
“Before I leave for Vegas,” he said, forestalling her exit. “There’s something else we need to discuss.”
As he pulled in a deep breath, his heart kicked up a few notches. A lot rode on the next few moments—and her reaction. He prayed for strength and that she would understand.
“I’d like to talk to you about the ranch.”
Alice turned the corners of her mouth down, folded her arms over her chest. “What about the ranch?”
Tanner forced himself to look directly at Alice and hold her frowning gaze. Not to back down. He wasn’t afraid of her, but he was afraid of the consequences should she turn him down.
“I’d like to run it. I’d like to find a way to buy it from you.”
Alice sucked in her breath, but her eyes flicked away from him. “So you’re thinking of moving back here?”
“I’d like to. I grew up here. Grew up on the Circle C. All my best memories are there. I miss working cattle and I miss...I miss being with Keira.”
Alice drummed her fingers on her arm, also not a good sign. She would do that whenever he or David had done something she was unhappy with and she was deciding on the best punishment to mete out.
“How do you propose to pay for the ranch? I’ve been offered a lot of money for it.”
As he had since his father died, Tanner had to work hard to keep his emotions out of the situation. He shouldn’t have to buy his father’s ranch back, but he kept those thoughts at bay. One step at a time. “I was hoping you would realize it was my father who owned the ranch and that we could find an equitable way for me to buy into it.”
“But he willed it to me.” Her words were crisp, her tone sharp, defensive.
“I know that. But surely you must realize how this looked to me. I was his son. It was my grandfather who started that ranch. I expected to at least receive some part of it when he died, and if not, then for you to acknowledge that I should receive at least half instead of you saying you were giving all of it to David.”
“I know you’ve always resented my place in your life,” Alice interrupted him, shifting the conversation back to herself.
Tanner held his hand up to stop this line of thinking. “I was only three when my father married you. You were the only mother I ever knew. My father married you for a reason. I know he must have loved you.” Tanner threw the words out, hoping something would connect. The fights that went on in the house when he was old enough to understand were hardly indicative of a loving relationship but something must have drawn his father to Alice in order for him to marry her.
Alice slumped against the desk again, her fingers worrying at the hem of her pale blue sweater. “He did. At first.” She stopped there and Tanner heard genuine pain in her voice and his anger with her softened. A bit.
“But regardless of your past relationship with my father,” he continued, “you’ve got to understand where I’m coming from. My dad willing his ranch to you and you not recognizing me in any way hurt more than I think you realize.”
Tanner hoped to appeal to some sense of fair play. It was the only leverage he had right now.
“I’d like to negotiate something with you,” he said. “I’d like to come back to the area and start a life here.”
“And what about your mechanic shop?”
Tanner released a sharp breath. “That was only a way to support myself. It was never my dream. Not like ranching.”
She fiddled with the hem of her sweater, then pulled in a deep breath, stiffened her spine and looked directly at him, steely resolve turning her eyes into flint.
“Why don’t we talk about this later. After the finals in Vegas. I know people don’t think it’s right that I got the ranch, and I want to be fair about it. But for now, let’s first lay David’s soul to rest, shall we? After the Finals, we’ll talk.”
Tanner could only nod as a chill entered his soul. His past mistakes had been enough to carry into the finals. Now his future was added to that burden, as well?
“That’s all I can ask for,” he said quietly. “For now I need to go talk to Keira.”
Alice’s lips tightened at the mention of her name but thankfully she didn’t say anything more. Tanner left the room but Keira wasn’t in the kitchen when he returned. Monty and Ellen were making a valiant attempt at cleaning up and as Alice entered the kitchen she reprimanded them and took over.
“If you’re looking for Keira, she went out to the shop,” Ellen said to Tanner as she set a stack of dishes on the island by the dishwasher. “You go talk to her. We can finish up here.”
Tanner didn’t need any further encouragement, but the note of concern in Ellen’s voice gave him added impetus. He hurried to the porch, grabbed his jacket and threaded his hands through the sleeves as he tried to jam his feet into his boots. Urgency made him clumsy and slowed his movements.
Finally he was out the door, the wan light of the shop casting a glow over the shoveled walkway.
The door of the shop was ajar and he heard Keira’s quiet voice and he realized she was talking to Sugar.
“I don’t know what to do,” she said, the plaintiveness in her voice tearing at his soul. She sounded lost. Alone.
Scared.
But why?
Help me through this, Lord, he prayed, not sure what else to do. Then he pushed open the door, it’s squeak echoing through the quiet of the shop.
Keira sat on the floor, her back resting against the workbench, stroking Sugar’s head, who was curled up beside her.
Both Sugar and Keira looked up at Tanner as he closed the door behind him. Neither got up, as if they’d known he was coming. As he came closer Tanner’s heartbeat faltered at the sight of Keira’s face. Her eyes were red rimmed and haunted. Her features looked as if they had been dragged down.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, dropping to her side, sliding his arm around her shoulders.
She resisted a moment, then drifted into him, her head resting on his shoulder.
“We need to talk.”
Four words no man ever wanted to hear. Tanner sent up another prayer and waited. And for the second time this evening, feeling as if far too much was riding on this moment.
* * *
“Sorry I took off on you,” Keira whispered, letting the warmth of Tanner’s shoulder seep into her. Her forehead felt tight and her cheeks were hot, but inside she felt cold as ice.
Tanner took her hand in his. It was warm and completely enfolded hers. She heard his ragged sigh and she waited a moment longer, allowing herself this moment of calm before everything between them changed.
“That’s okay,” Tanner said. “I guessed Alice upset you. I would have come after you but she needed to talk to me.”
“What about?” Keira knew her inane question was simply putting off the inevitable, but she couldn’t simply jump into this.
“The ranch. If all goes well at the NFR, she said she would consider finding a way to make it mine when I come back from Vegas.” He clasped her hand just a bit tighter. “Which I’m excited about. Because that will mean I can think about a future. Here. In the valley.”
In his voice she heard a hope that both excited her and sent her heart spiraling downward. Would they have a future?
“What did you need to say to me?” he asked. “In the house you said we would talk later.”
Keira felt as if she stood on the edge of a precipice, teetering, struggling to hold her balance. Once she released the words there was no taking them back. They would be out in the world, real. Alive.
She closed her eyes, clinging to Tanner’s hand, praying for strength and courage.
“It’s about David...” She faltered, wishing she didn’t have to have this conversation but knowing that if they were going to move into the future that she hoped they might have, this needed to be dealt with.
Tanner stiffened, dropping her hands. Creating a distance that chipped away at her resolve.
“Did you want to marry him?” he said with narrowed eyes and clenched teeth.
Keira grabbed his shoulder, praying he believed her. “No. Never. David was delusional. I never wanted to marry him. Ever.” She spoke with force, clinging to her anger to control her fear.
“I’m glad,” was all Tanner said. His displeasure faded away as he stroked her face. “I’m having a hard enough time with my memories of David. I didn’t need that added to the mix.”
Keira’s heart turned over, her breath quickened and she sent up a scattered prayer for strength.
“That summer, after I broke up with you...” Her voice trailed off as she forced herself into the past. “It was hard. I knew I’d a made a mistake. I wanted to get back together with you, but I also knew how proud you can be.” She shifted away from him, wrapping her arms around her knees, but thankfully, he kept his arm around her shoulders.
“I was mixed up and confused, and then David was home and he invited me to a party with him. I went and we had fun and I asked about you and he told me a few things about you. How you’d placed first in the past two rodeos. How you were getting money together. He told me about your work as a mechanic. I was hungry for anything I could find out about you.”
“Why didn’t you talk to me, ask me?” The hurt in his voice was palpable but she couldn’t dwell on that. She had to stick with the facts. It was the only way to get through all of this.
“I’m a proud person, too,” she said, tightening her grip on her knees. “I’d broken up with you and I wasn’t ready to forgive you for not being able to stay in the valley. I didn’t think I had any right to contact you. And then the third time David and I went out he told me about the will, and I understood better why you were working so hard. But he...he also told me about girls you were dating—”
“What? I never dated any girls.”
She shot him a puzzled glance, surprised at his anger. “He said you went out every night when you guys were on the road. That you always had girls with you.”
“Not because I asked them and I certainly didn’t date any of them.” Tanner’s eyebrows were dark slashes over eyes burning with an indignation that both exhilarated and frightened her. “They were just girls who liked to hang around cowboys after a rodeo. Buckle bunnies. Groupies. Whatever you want to call them.”
“So David was lying.”
“Absolutely.”
The conviction in his voice thrilled her but at the same time she felt a growing tempest of fury rising up in her. David... He’d done too much damage.
She sucked in a deep breath, struggling to stay on top of the storm brewing, a storm that had been always latent but now was seeping through the fissures of her slowly eroding self-control.
“I’m guessing, though, you didn’t want to talk to me just about the lies my brother had been feeding you.” Tanner’s voice was gentle but she sensed the steel behind it.
Another breath. Another prayer.
“That summer, David and I went out a bunch of times,” she said, floundering through all of this. “When he told me about the...dates...I was angry. Upset. Even though I’d broken up with you, I missed you. I knew I had made a mistake and if I’d known exactly why you were so busy, if we’d talked more...maybe...maybe everything would have been different.” She paused, teetering, then pushed on. “David and I went to a party one night. It was a bush party and it got wild. I was upset and not thinking straight.” She leached all the emotion out of her voice, bringing the conversation to a simple recitation of the facts. “I had too much to drink. So did David. He tried to make out with me and for a little while I let him. Then I told him to stop. That I didn’t want it and wasn’t over you. I drank some more and then, of course, went out to the bushes to get sick, and he found me there. He tried to help me and I told him I was fine. He insisted and I got mad at him. Told him to leave me alone. I was still upset with what he told me. Then he grabbed me and told me to get over you. That you were totally over me. That you didn’t care about me. That you were glad I broke up the engagement because you were looking for an excuse to break up with me, anyway.”
Tanner’s gasp registered on some level, but she plunged on. “He grabbed me and tried to kiss me again. I pushed him away and he got angry. Told me I had been leading him on. That he’d always liked me and knew I always liked him.”
She heard her own voice grow flat, even and monotone as she dealt out the facts like cards from a deck.
“He kissed me and I told him not to. He began pulling on my hair, grabbing it. I pulled away, tried to run away but he caught me. Then I tried to fight him off, but he was stronger than me. He threw me down on the ground—”
“Enough.”
Tanner’s voice resounded like a shot in the shop. Keira flinched, but stayed where she was, staring blindly ahead, seeing only the vivid memories that she had kept suppressed so long, now flooding her mind.
Tanner jerked away from her and jumped to his feet, pacing back and forth in front of her.
She stayed where she was, reminding herself what Dana, her counselor in Seattle, had told her again and again.
I didn’t ask for it. It’s not my fault.
But the anger rolling off Tanner as he strode back and forth in front of her, keeping his distance, detonated doubts and second thoughts. Did he believe her? Did he think she asked for it?
What did you expect? You throw this bomb at him about the brother who he would do anything for. Did you think he would wrap his arms around you and tell you that it’s all okay? That all is forgiven? You’re not the sweet innocent girl he proposed to?
She slowly got to her feet, her movements wooden and stiff. She couldn’t look at him because she didn’t want to see the condemnation in his face. Didn’t want to see his disappointment and his anger. How often hadn’t he told her how much he loved her innocence?
Not so innocent anymore.
She walked slowly to the hook that held her coat, Sugar right at her heels. She pulled her coat off the hook and slipped it on, her hands clumsy, her movements uncoordinated.
All the while Tanner kept a distance between them. It was only a few feet but it may as well have been a yawning chasm. He didn’t want her anymore. How could he?
She shot a quick glance at him and then said, “I think you better go.”
Without another word she pulled her hood up, tugged open the door and, with her faithful companion, Sugar, trotting behind her, left the shop.
Left Tanner.
It was over.