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“YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY to see me,” Gertrude said to Hale. “I know what the murder weapon was, and someone here moved it, because it’s gone.”
“Oh yeah? What was it?” Hale asked without looking at her.
“It was an ugly green lamp with dead birds hanging off it. Well, the birds weren’t really dead. At least, I don’t think so, but they looked dead. And they were filthy!”
“OK. Thanks for that. Now you can join everyone over by the fitting rooms.”
“Aren’t you going to write that down?” Gertrude asked. “Don’t you want more details about the dead-bird-lamp?”
Hale finally looked at her. They had a short staring contest, and then he said, “No. I got it.”
“Well, what about security cameras?”
“This is Goodwill,” he said.
“Yeah, and I’m pretty sure people steal from Goodwill!”
“No cameras,” Hale said, and pointed at the crowd on the opposite side of the room. “Now go.”
Gertrude gave him a dirty look, and then headed that way. It’s too bad he’s such a jerk, she thought on her way there. ’Cause he’s really quite handsome. But isn’t that the way? Young, good looking, pompous jerk. He’ll probably run for mayor.
Gertrude parked her cart alongside another. She leaned her forearms on her cart’s handle and then surveyed the contents of the cart beside her. Apparently, this shopper had trouble saying no. Her cart was overflowing with goodies. Gertrude spotted a hen and rooster salt and pepper shaker set and sneakily moved that to her own cart. No one noticed. They were all too busy craning their necks toward the crime scene.
Gertrude didn’t want to let go of the cart, but she forced herself to do so, so that she could move about the crowd, looking for clues. Marveling at the fact that no one was paying her any mind—she might as well have been invisible—she looked closely at people’s hands, in their carts, and she was even able to peer into a few purses. Had she not been such a morally upstanding individual, she could have even kiped a few wallets. Of course, she did not.
She did, however, notice that one of the Goodwill employees was acting awfully suspiciously. She eyed him closely. He was sweating profusely, though he was only wearing a T-shirt under his blue apron, and the store didn’t exactly have the heat cranked up.
“You all right, fella?” she asked.
He looked at her as if surprised she had noticed his existence. “Um ... yeah? I’ve just, I’ve never seen a dead body before,” he said.
“I see. Well, you get used to it. This is my second.”
He didn’t respond.
“What’s your name?” Gertrude asked.
“Roderick.” He looked down at his nametag as if to make sure he’d gotten it right. Then he looked back at her.
“I’m Gertrude.”
He nodded, still looking at her.
Bonus points for eye contact, she thought. “Did you kill her?”
“No!” Roderick cried, loud enough to draw attention from several people nearby. “Why would I kill her? I didn’t even know her! I mean, she came in here a lot, and I thought she was pretty, but I didn’t know her. I don’t know anyone. I just work here.”
Gertrude stared at him closely.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked. He sounded terrified.
“I’m trying to see if you’re lying or not,” Gertrude said.
“Of course I’m not lying! I wouldn’t lie. I don’t lie! Well, not usually ...”
“Everything OK here?” the woman who appeared to be in charge asked. She was also wearing a blue apron. Her nametag said “Manager” and “Sherri.” She had short spiky hair, but the spikes were in neat rows, and her makeup was flawless.
“Your hair is very organized,” Gertrude observed.
“Thank you,” Sherri said without a blink.
“And your makeup looks fancy. Is that Grace Space?”
“No,” Sherri said. “Are you all right, Roderick?”
“Yes, Sherri. This lady was just asking me lots of questions. I think she thinks I killed that woman with the pretty hair. But I didn’t. I wouldn’t kill anyone, would I, Sherri? You know me! You know I wouldn’t hurt anyone.”
“Yes, Roderick. I know you. And I’m sure that’s not what this customer was implying. Isn’t that right?” Sherri asked, giving Gertrude a stern look.
“Yes, that’s right, Roderick,” Gertrude said. “I was just asking if you killed her. I wasn’t saying that you did.”
“But I didn’t!” Roderick cried.
Gertrude eyed him closely. Then, satisfied, she said, “I believe you.”
A deputy stepped toward them. “You were the first one to find the body?” he asked Gertrude.
“I was.”
“Excuse me for a minute, folks,” the deputy said to Sherri and Roderick. He took several steps off to the side, obviously expecting Gertrude to follow. She did, after a momentary delay to retrieve her cart.
“Can you tell me what you saw?” he asked.
She leaned forward on the cart handle and whispered, “I saw the woman lying on the floor—”
“Why are you whispering?” the deputy asked.
Gertrude looked around. She leaned toward him. He leaned away from her. “I’m certain the murderer is still in here,” she whispered.
“OK then,” the deputy said doubtfully. “Please continue.”
“So, she was obviously dead, because there was so much blood. There was also a green lamp lying in the blood. I think that might have been the murder weapon.”
The cop looked up. “We didn’t find any green lamp.”
“I know,” Gertrude said, grateful that someone was at least listening to her about the stupid lamp. “When I looked up, it disappeared.”
“And you didn’t see anyone take it?”
“No. If I had, I would have mentioned that by now. It was there, and then someone snatched it out of the blood. Probably the murderer. If you find that green lamp, you’ll find the murderer. The lamp was really ugly, and dirty, and it had dead birds hanging off it.”
“OK then. Did you see or hear anything else?”
“You don’t believe me,” Gertrude observed.
“I didn’t say that.”
“I can tell by the way you’re looking at me. You think I’m bonkers.”
“Ma’am, I’ve got a lot of people I’ve got to talk to. Did you see anything else?”
“Don’t call me ma’am,” Gertrude said.
He took that as a no, and moved on to question Roderick. Gertrude followed, but was stealthy about it.
“Do you mind if I sit in on this?” Sherri asked. “I’m the manager, and Roderick struggles with anxiety.”
I’ll say, Gertrude thought.
“That would be fine,” the deputy said to Sherri. “So,” he said to Roderick, “can you tell me what happened?”
“Sure,” Roderick said. “I heard a lady scream”—
I didn’t scream, Gertrude thought defensively, I just gasped. Maybe a little yelp. But not a scream! I’m a professional, for crying out loud.
—“so I went to the soap section, and I saw another lady lying on the floor. I thought she was dead, so I went to get Sherri. And she called the police. Then me and her went back to the soap section. Then you got here. And you told us to come stand—”
“OK,” the deputy interrupted. “Did you hear or see anything else, in or near the soap section, maybe before you heard the scream?”
I didn’t scream!
“No,” Roderick said quickly. Too quickly.
The policeman looked suspicious. “Have you seen anyone in here tonight, anyone behaving unusually or suspiciously?”
Gertrude stifled a laugh. Only everyone?
Roderick just shook his head.
“And did you know the woman?” the policeman asked.
“The dead one?”
The deputy nodded.
“No. She came in here to shop a lot. But I didn’t know her. I mean, I’ve seen her. A lot. But I don’t know her. I don’t even know her name.”
“OK then. Thank you,” the deputy said. Then he turned to Sherri. “Let’s step over this way,” he said, and took her far enough away so that Gertrude couldn’t hear what they were saying.
She sidled up to Roderick. “So, how hard is it to get a job here?”
“I dunno,” Roderick said.
“Well, how did you get a job here?”
“I dunno,” Roderick said, and walked away.
How rude, Gertrude thought.