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GERTRUDE CLIMBED UP into the machine, her heart thumping madly inside her chest. She turned the key. Then she pressed the gas pedal. Nothing happened. She pressed it harder. Still nothing. She pushed it to the floor and the forklift took off—backward. “Aiiii!” she screeched and slammed on the brakes. Too late, as she slammed into a pile of blue bins behind her. The pile of bins wobbled perilously as she looked up through the overhead guard of the forklift. “Please, Jesus, save me,” she whispered as the top few bins teetered off the stack and came careening down on top of her, effectively burying her in last chance Goodwill treasures. She felt something slippery slide by her cheek. She heard glass things smashing on impact. An Elvis salt shaker plopped into her lap.
When everything stopped moving, she checked herself over to make sure she was OK, and found that she was unscathed. Then she heard shouting, but she couldn’t see anything except used merchandise. Judging from the sound of footsteps, she figured at least two sets of feet were hurrying toward her.
“I’m all right!” she cried out. “Just had a small accident!”
She heard a flurry of activity, which she assumed was people digging her out, and within minutes, she saw two men, each wearing a blue apron and an incredibly sour expression on his face.
“Who are you?” one of them asked.
“I’m Gertrude.”
A woman appeared. “The police are on their way,” she said to the men. “They told me not to engage with her.”
“The police? Oh, good thinking!” She looked up and was happy to see the dead birds were hanging right where she’d last seen them.
“Can we start picking this up?” one of the men asked.
“Sure,” the woman said. “I don’t think that would hurt.”
Gertrude slyly slid the salt shaker into her pocket, and began to climb out of the forklift.
“You,” the woman snapped, looking at her with disdain, “don’t move. The police will deal with you.”
Gertrude plopped back down in the forklift seat, wishing it had lumbar support.
“I work at Goodwill too,” Gertrude said to them. “That means we’re practically family.”
No one answered her.
The pound store employees had about half of the pile cleared out when two police officers arrived.
“Can you step down out of there, ma’am?” one of them asked.
“Don’t call me ma’am. I’m not old,” she said. Then she tried to climb down and had some trouble. She looked at the policeman. “Actually, I think I could use a hand.”
He politely extended it. Then he said, “I’m Officer Mahoney. This is Officer Fortin.”
“I’m Gertrude. Could you retrieve that walker for me?” she asked Officer Fortin. It had been knocked over in the avalanche.
He righted the walker and placed it in front of her. “Thank you. All right. Now, what you’re looking for is right up there,” she said, pointing to the birds.
Officer Fortin looked. Officer Mahoney did not. He just said, “If you’ll follow me, right this way.”
“What about the lamp?” Gertrude asked.
“Please don’t make this difficult,” Mahoney said. “You need to come with us right now.”
“Come with you where?” Gertrude asked. She thought it was a reasonable question.
“We’re taking you down to the station. These people have to get back to work.”
“Oh!” Gertrude said. “Just let me tell Calvin.”
“Who’s Calvin?” Mahoney asked.
“He’s my assistant. And my neighbor. He’s out there,” she said, pointing to the retail room. “He was checking out for me.”
“OK, let’s go.” Mahoney led the way. Officer Fortin motioned for her to follow Mahoney. They reentered the retail room, and no one paid them any mind, except for Calvin, whose eyes grew wide.
“Can you point him out to us?” Mahoney asked.
She pointed to Calvin and then headed toward him.
“No,” Fortin said sternly. “You wait right here. Officer Mahoney will explain the events to him.”
Gertrude crossed her arms. “The events? What events? That I crashed a forklift? Look, that was an accident! I was just trying to get the lamp. Look, you just need to call Hale. He’s a cop with the Somerset County Sheriff’s Department. He’ll explain everything to you.” She realized Fortin wasn’t listening. “Hey!” she cried. She waved a hand in front of his face. “Are you even listening to me?”
Mahoney returned. “OK, I’ve explained everything to your friend. Now let’s go.” He grabbed her arm gently but firmly and walked her out to a cruiser that still had its blue lights flashing.
Suddenly, Gertrude felt embarrassed, an emotion she rarely experienced. She wondered for the first time if she was in trouble. Mahoney helped her into the backseat and then collapsed her walker and put it in the trunk. She looked out the window and saw Calvin looking in at her from the doorway. He managed to look both disgusted and concerned.
She tried to roll down the window. Nothing happened. She pounded on it and hollered, “The lamp is back there, Calvin! I saw it! Way up high! You need to go get it! It’s back there! In a blue bin! The dead birds are showing!”
“Quiet!” Mahoney ordered as he slid into the driver’s seat.
Gertrude remained silent and still, but she was fuming. This is what I get for trying to catch a murderer! How was I supposed to know the forklift was broken? Why in tarnation did it go backward? And why won’t anyone listen to me?
They pulled into the Gorham Police Department, and Mahoney helped Gertrude out of the car. Then he led her to a small room and offered her a chair. She accepted. She expected him to sit down too, but he left her there, alone. She was exhausted. She was starving. She was frustrated. And she missed her cats so much that she vowed to never leave her house again. Then she thought she probably ought to still go to church. But that was it. House and church. Thinking about church made her think about Pastor Dan. He was always getting people out of trouble.
Officer Fortin entered the small room and sat down.
“Can I have a phone call?”
“Not right now. You’re not under arrest.”
“I’m not? Then what am I doing here?”
“We just have a few questions.”
He asked her for her name and social security number.
She asked him if he had any peanuts.
He did not.
He asked her why she had vandalized the pound store.
“Vandalized? Are you bonkers? I don’t vandalize things! I’ve already tried to tell you. I’m a gumshoe, and I was looking for the murder—”
“A gumshoe?” Fortin interrupted. “Where do you work?”
“Goodwill, but I was at the pound store trying to—”
“Which Goodwill?”
“Mattawooptock.”
“OK, and you live in Mattawooptock?”
“Yes. I told you to call Hale—”
“OK, I’ll be right back.” Officer Fortin disappeared, and Gertrude was alone again. She decided that every interrogation room on earth should have a cat. She vowed that if she ever actually interrogated someone, she would make sure they had a cat to hold.
Officer Fortin reappeared several long minutes later. “You can go, ma’am.”
“What?”
“We’ve talked to your boss, and she explained everything.”
“Explained what? She has no idea what I’m—”
“Your friend Calvin is here. He will take you home. But you are not allowed to ever go to the pound store again, OK? Someone could have been seriously hurt. If anyone sees you in the pound store, there will be no more warnings. You’ll be in real trouble next time. Do you understand?”
Gertrude nodded.
He stood in the doorway as if waiting for her to get up.
She did. Then she followed Fortin to the lobby and was thrilled to find Calvin waiting there.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
“Just get me out of here, please,” Gertrude muttered.