THAT DAY I TOOK MARLOWE HOME FROM SCHOOL. USUALLY I walk down Lauder, the street I live on, but that day I walked down Marlowe.
I waited by myself on the corner. (Usually I walk home with Shrubs but he had to stay after school for saying shit to Miss Filmer. Shrubs’ real name is Kenny. He is bad in school, all the teachers hate him. But he is my best friend. I have known him since I was born. He is exactly one week older than me. Exactly. We are blood brothers. When we were five we pricked our fingers with a pin and held them together. Except I didn’t because I am scared of pins. So I slammed my thumb in a drawer to get blood. I had a cast for six weeks.)
I started to walk down Lauder first, but there were the safety boys on the corner who are mean. They are grease. They pick on little children. Which I am one. I had my picture in my hand from school (we had coloring in Homeroom because we ran out of things to do) and I waited on the corner for the safety to say, “Let’s go.” Safeties stand with their arms out like this and say “Hold it” when there are cars coming and then they say “Let’s go” when it is safe. This is why they are called safeties.
While I was waiting the safety saw my picture.
“What is that, a frog?”
“No,” I said. “It’s a horse, I drew it.”
He looked at me, he was very large.
“What are you, stupid or something?” he said.
I said, “Yes.” He was going to pound me. But my picture was quite good I feel, as a horse. It was green. I named him Greeny.
The safety grabbed it out of my hands, which ripped Greeny’s mouth. He laughed and showed it to the other safety who told him to quit screwing around. (They have two safeties on the corners so they can gang up on little children.) Then he gave Greeny back and said, “Let’s go.”
But I didn’t. I said, “Do you have some Scotch tape to fix Greeny’s mouth?”
“Are you kidding?” said the safety.
“You ripped it.”
“Go piss up a rope,” he said and made a fist at me and I saw his fingernails were dirty.
This is why I walked home down Marlowe that day all by myself. I crossed the first street alone. First you stop. Then you look both ways to make sure no cars are coming. Then you walk don’t run across the street. I am good at safety rules. I have never got run over.
On Marlowe the trees had helicopters in them, which are green things that twirl when they fall. I feel they are interesting as nature items.
Then something happened. I saw Jessica walking on the other side of the street with Marcie Kane who I have no use for, to be candid, because she is a pig, no lie. Also she is Jessica’s best friend I found out later. They didn’t see me. I was invisible. But I slowed down and bent over to tie my shoe. (Only I didn’t really because I have loafers which are cool, man. I made my mom buy them for me. Usually she buys me Boy Scout shoes which I hate but I threw a conniption fit in the shoe store and she bought me the loafers I wanted. They don’t have any sewing on them, none. None. They are pointy too. My mother cries every time she sees them. She says, “To be candid, it makes me ashamed.” This is where I got To be candid.)
Jessica and Marcie Kane walked down Marlowe. I watched them. They talked. Jessica was swinging a purse with fringe on it. I didn’t know what was inside. It swung up and down up and down against her dress and when it hit her, her dress got like waves in it. I thought, Inside the purse is a magic wand that turns into flowers. And you get a hat with it free, I seen one at Maxwell’s.
Jessica’s house was the one with blue shutters. Bricks not wood. Not red bricks though, mauve. She went in it is how I knew. She went in the side door from the driveway. Her driveway has grass down the middle which I don’t like as much as our driveway which is plain. Also we have a back door, not side.
(Marcie Kane walked down Margarita. She lives on Strathmoor. In a toilet.)
I stopped across the street from Jessica’s house and looked at it. I stood behind a little tree. (We have a little tree in front of our house, it still has paper wrapped around it from the tree store. This is how I can tell my house. When it is big I will be grown. But I will be able to tell my house from the fort on the front lawn. Which I will build when I get out of here. I built one once before, with Shrubs though, out of mud. My father had a conniption fit because he had to rent a truck to get the mud off the front lawn. It was a big fort. It was going to be mauve.)
There was wind on Marlowe, it messed my hair up. I combed it with my fingers. I have a princeton but I want a flat top like on “Spin and Marty,” but my mom makes me get a princeton. I hate it. I would like to kill it. But when it gets long in front I can put Olivo Pomade on it, I dip the comb right in it. It is cool, man.
(I got conniption fit from my mom. She said I had one.)
There were drapes on Jessica’s windows. I looked at them for a half an hour. I could tell time because I had my watch which I got for Hanukah until I lost it.
While I was looking at Jessica’s drapes the sidewalk opened up under my feet. Luckily I didn’t fall because my loafers have things so I can’t fall. It was a hundred feet down and there were dinosaurs and fire. I jumped over it and landed on the grass. Then I looked across the street and I saw Jessica had seen me and she said, “My, what a brave young man.”
When I got home my mom asked me why I was late. I said I was in a car accident. She screamed. But I told her it was ok because I didn’t get killed, only somebody else did. She started yelling but I said I forgot who. Then I went up to my room and played with my men.
“Dad, how much are blue shutters?” I asked at dinner.
“Why?”
“I’m going to put them on my fort.”
“You’re not building another fort while I’m alive.”
“Ok,” I said. “But how much are they, for when you’re dead?”
Later he said he’d get them wholesale but I don’t know what that means. I think it’s when they bring them on boats.
Mauve. M A U V E. Mauve.
And in a few days school was over for summer vacation. Everyone said “Hooray.” During the summer I played with Shrubs quite frequent. We played Zorro, he was the horse. I taught him how to neigh. It is like coughing only longer. I rode him. Our maid Sophie said I was going to cripple Shrubs. She is a colored negro.
I have a Zorro suit. Also I have Robin Hood and Peter Pan (which have the same pants) and Tom Corbett Space Cadet and Santa Claus and Superman and Doctor. When I play Zorro alone I use bolsters for the horse, I get them off my mom’s bed and also I use them for bad guys to sock them. In Zorro the bad guy is El Commandante. He is on tv. Last month they got a different one. Jeffrey said he saw the old El Commandante on a Brylcreem commercial but he is lying, man.
Shrubs and me made a plan. It was a signal. It was whistling, like birds. The plan was that when Shrubs went to bed he was supposed to tie his sheets together and lower himself out the window, then come to my house and give the signal and then I would tie my sheets together and lower myself out the window and then we would play Zorro at night, like real.
My bedtime is nine but I can stay up later if I throw a tantrum, but that night I went quietly. Usually Mom tucks us in. Sometimes she sings to us. She is very excellent as a singer. Jeffrey’s favorite song is “Shine On Harvest Moon.” Mine is “Hound Dog,” only Mom doesn’t know it. Sometimes she doesn’t tuck us in and I have to turn my light off by myself. I stand at the switch and point my finger at the bed, then I turn the light off and run where my finger goes. This is how I find my bed in the dark. I am scared of going to bed because there are monsters in my closet. I keep the door closed. The more times you push it the more closed it is. Before bed I push my closet door fifty times.
The night of our plan I had to take a bath before bed. I wish I was old enough to take a shower but I’m not because I can’t work it. Sometimes I take a shower with my dad. He is undressed and has hair on him and on his peenie. I don’t have any on mine. I don’t like to take showers with my dad.
Mom also reads to us before bed. My favorite book is The Puppy Who Wanted a Boy. It is delightful. Jeffrey’s favorite is The Rickety Rackity Schoolbus. Sometimes Mom makes up stories and sometimes she makes up more songs. She invented one entitled “All the Kids in the Neighborhood.” It is about bedtime on Lauder. It has all their names and then it goes
And they’re asleep are you
Shhh Shhh Shhh Shhh
And they’re asleep are you.
It scares me to death.
That night we sat on my bed and Mom got out a book. But it was different.
“Tonight we’re going to have a special story,” she said. “Your father and I feel it’s time you boys learned some things about growing up. This book is called From Little Acorns. Soon you’ll be young men, and it’s time you knew.”
“How come I’m a young man when I was a little baby yesterday when I tracked in dirt?” I said.
She turned over the book which wasn’t even in color.
“Are there going to be dogs, Mom?” I asked. I thought maybe there was going to be dogs.
“No, Honey,” she said. “This is a story about real people like you and Jeffrey and Daddy and me.”
“Boring,” said Jeffrey and he did this with his eyeballs, and Mom said, “Keep it up, you’ll be blind someday.”
From Little Acorns was about some children whose mother was going to have a baby and they are on a farm with their grandfather who shows them chickens and eggs and everything. It was boring as H. I was nervous because I knew Shrubs was coming, for our plan.
Finally she stopped reading and went and then I put my Zorro suit on under the covers. I donned it. Then I waited. I waited and waited. It was hot in bed in my Zorro suit. Then I heard Shrubs outside yelling, “Burt!” I got out of bed. I started to tie my sheets together. Then the lights went on. It was my mother.
“Burt, Kenneth is here, he was outside calling for you, he says that you and he had arranged to play outside tonight. That’s out of the question.” Then she looked at me. I had on my Zorro suit. “Well, I suppose it’s all right this once. Jeffrey will go with you. Look what you’ve done to my clean linens.”
She took me downstairs. All the lights were on. My dad was watching tv. I had my mask and Zorro hat and Mom took the mask and said, “Here let me help you with this so it’s straight.” She said, “You can stay out fifteen minutes.”
We went. First I ran behind a tree and ducked down. I watched out for El Commandante. He is very clever, Señor. He was on Seven Mile Road at the A&P with prisoners that I was going to rescue, so I hid behind a tree waiting for my horse so I could ride out of the night when the full moon is bright. I was going to rescue Jessica who was in jail for having blue shutters which aren’t allowed. I heard El Commandante. I took out my sword.
“What are you doing with that pencil, Burt?” said Jeffrey. “That’s mine, it was on my desk.”
He was telling Shrubs about his new model, it was a Thunderbird. Shrubs asked him how many parts and Jeffrey said a thousand, it was for big kids only. Shrubs asked if he could watch Jeffrey put it together and Jeffrey said no because he would wreck it.
I was the only one playing Zorro.
I yelled out, “Come amigos, we go!”
Jeffrey said, “What are you talking about? Hurry up and finish so we can get back.”
We went around the block once then, just walking. Then we went home. My mom asked if we had fun, but I just went up to my room and pointed my finger at my bed. I turned the light out by myself.