19
Feeling Guilty

Friday, September 28, 5:35 PM

Tristan: I have to talk to you about something, Dorian.

Dorian: ok?

Tristan: You know I love you, right?

Dorian: you have literally never said those words to me before

Tristan: I know.

And I’m sorry.

I do . . .

Love you, that is.

I’ve had feelings for you since the beginning.

Dorian: hold on tris

let me guess

you’ve found someone irl that you like

and you want to date them

because you’ll have a better chance at having a real relationship if you can be with them in person

it’s obvious

Tristan: I never said that.

Dorian: you didn’t have to

I know you tris

I get it

I know that feeling of falling for someone irl

don’t get me wrong

I’m angry

but I get it

Tristan: Dorian, would you stop for a second and let me talk, please?

Dorian: I want you to be happy tris

and if that means losing you so be it

that’s the worst part about being in love

your happiness is now more important to me than my happiness

Tristan: Let me talk, dammit!

Dorian: fine

what

Tristan: I was going to say that I have a crush on someone.

And I feel ashamed of it.

And I’m sorry!

I don’t want to leave you, Dor!

I would never do that to you!

Dammit, I just told you I loved you! Why would I preface a breakup with that?!

I just . . . I wanted to be honest with you.

I didn’t want to hide things from my boyfriend.

Dorian: oh

Tristan: Oh?! That’s what you have to say?! You made me feel like crap, Dorian! You accused me of wanting to leave you for someone I had met in real life!

And all you have to say is “oh”?!?!

Dorian: I’m sorry

Tristan: You’d better be sorry! I’m sitting here in tears because my boyfriend thinks I’d just up and leave him for someone I’d just met!

Dorian: I’m really sorry tris

you’re right

I should have heard you out before getting upset

tristan?

Tristan: Yeah, I’m still here. I’m just angry at you.

Dorian: so . . .

who’s this guy you have a crush on?

Tristan: Nobody.

Dorian: tristan please don’t shut me out

you were right

honesty is important in a relationship

and I appreciate what you were trying to do

please?

Tristan: He’s in my English class.

Dorian: oh?

Tristan: Yeah, he’s the guy I thought was annoying at first. We had a project together and . . . he’s a lot nicer in person than I thought.

I dunno . . . he reminds me a bit of you.

And it’s hard because I can see him, you know?

Dorian: ya I know what you mean

Tristan: And sometimes I just imagine that he’s actually you and . . .

And I feel guilty.

Dorian: there’s nothing to feel guilty about

that’s the thing with emotions, we don’t choose who we develop crushes on

what we do choose is how we act on those feelings

I don’t care if you have a crush on someone as long as you don’t go around making out with them

it’s just a harmless crush right?

Tristan: I guess . . .

It didn’t feel harmless.

Dorian: what does that mean?

Tristan: It means that he’s the face I picture whenever I imagine you.

Dorian: ok

now I’m getting kinda jealous

Tristan: Yeah . . .

Dor, I think we should meet.

Dorian: what

Tristan: We don’t know what each other looks like. I think that’s stupid, especially since we’re dating.

So I think we should meet.

Dorian: jesus tris

it’s about goddamn time

I’ve been trying so hard not to push you or make you uncomfortable by asking to meet you

but it’s been killing me!

Tristan: I had no idea! You never told me!

Dorian: I didn’t want to put pressure on you

Tristan: You idiot.

You should have just talked to me about this.

Dorian: ya

I guess I should have

anyways

we should meet

Tristan: Yeah . . .

So I guess the question now is to figure out how far we really are from each other.

Ontario is a big province.

Dorian: I live in hamilton

it’s near toronto-ish

Tristan: Are you messing with me?

Dorian: no?

what?

Tristan: I live in Hamilton too.

Dorian: are you serious?

westdale?

Tristan: Well, yes. This is getting kinda spooky.

Dorian: you’re telling me

Tristan: So, when do you want to do this?

Dorian: um . . .

wanna meet on monday at the moondoe at king and paisley?

Tristan: Okay.

Dorian: I’m really excited

Tristan: I’m terrified.

Dorian: there’s no reason to be scared!

Tristan: YES THERE IS!

What if we meet and we realize there’s no connection in real life?

What if we meet and you’re not attracted to me?!

What if we meet and it turns out you’ve been lying this whole time and you’re really just a serial killer?!

Dorian: what if the world exploded tomorrow?

what if there’s a pandemic and we’re not allowed to meet in person?

you can’t dwell on what-ifs tris

you just have to try

and trust that things will work out

Tristan: Easier said than done.

Dorian: dammit

I wish we could talk about this more

but it’s boardgame night

Tristan: It’s okay. Go play boardgames.

We’ve got our plan. We’re meeting on Monday.

Dorian: ok . . . what time?

Tristan: Um . . . I guess . . . four? Sound good?

Dorian: sounds perfect

Tristan: Tell AJ I say hi.

And we’ll talk again tomorrow.

But try not to get too drunk tonight, okay?

Dorian: I make no promises

Tristan: Goodnight, Dor.

Dorian: night tris

I love you

Tristan: Bye.

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